Kourtney Kardashian was robbed, and I’m not just talking of any good looks or discernible talent. I mean like she was robbed-robbed. According to TMZ
Kourtney returned to her Calabasas townhome Saturday night at about 8:30 PM and discovered the break-in.
Hundreds of thousands of dollars of jewelry was reportedly taken, [including] Kourtney’s Cartier watch worth around $30,000, an expensive Rolex owned by her boyfriend, and diamond hoops.
The home is in a gated community.
I bet the robbers were able to sneak past the guards at the gate by hiding in the crook of Kim Kardashian’s ass the last time she visited. Hell, you could probably fit another two look-outs and a getaway car in there if you got the angle just right.
Want to know the special moment that propelled Kourtney Kardashian into the realm of motherhood? It’s when some guy whose name sounds like “dick sick” spunked inside her and she forgot to take her whore medicine. I’m sure a beam of sunlight came down from heaven and the angels started singing! Us Magazine says
Getting pregnant with Scott Disick — with whom she recently reunited after splitting in February — was unplanned.
“This probably sounds so dumb, but there’s so many times I’ll forget to take my pill and I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. It’s just so stupid,” she admitted.
On her new reality show — Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami (premiering Sunday) — she literally gets sick in a club, she said. Her boobs also became “huge and they were so sore.”
The baby may be incorporated into the second season of her reality show, she “joked.”
You know, it takes a special kind of evil to bring a child into the world just so you can boost ratings for your shitty reality show. I’ve only ever heard it referred to as “Dina Lohan.”
The E! reality star, 30, is not revealing the father’s identity or how far along she is… [and] refused to say if she and ex-boyfriend Scott Disick were back together.
“You’re going to have to see on the show,” she said, referring to her new reality show with sister Khloe, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, which debuts Sunday.
Oh, I have a hunch who the father is. He embodies all that is evil and will usher in a seven year reign of death and destruction at the dawning of the End of Days. Isn’t it obvious? I’m talking about my stepdad. You’re not the boss of me, Ted!
Comedienne WandaDykesSykes officially came out of the closet on Saturday, revealing that she married her long-time partner shortly before the passage of Proposition 8 banning gay marriage in the state of California. She said (via E! Online):
“You know, I don’t really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn’t feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life.
[But then] I got pissed off. They pissed me off. I said, ‘You know what? Now I gotta get in your face.’ And that’s what we all have to do now. They pissed off the wrong group of people. They have galvanized a community… Instead of having gay marriage in California, we’re going to get it across the country.”
When my wife and I leave California, I want to have my marriage also recognized in Nevada, in Arizona, all the way to New York. How can you stop people from loving each other? I am proud to be a woman. I’m proud to be a black woman and I’m proud to be gay.”
What was that? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was busy trying to bury the image of Wanda Sykes muff-diving some be-flanneled she-beast somewhere deep in my subconscious. I’m sure there’s still room in there between “summer camp with Father O’Houlian’” and “that time in high school when I found my mom’s dildo.”
Speaking of she-beasts, here’s Kim Kardashian with sister Kourtney and that dumb twat from “Laguna Beach” in Miami this weekend:
Environmentalists everywhere voiced their concerns over the weekend regarding Kim Kardashian being allowed to lounge outdoors in only a bikini. Scientists believe her bottom could easily be mistaken for North America from an aerial perspective, confusing migratory birds and causing derivations from their usual route to the U.S. “Plus, bitch got one big fat ass,” one scientist was quoted as saying. “I mean, God dayum.” Sorry, but you can’t argue with science!
Upsetting fragile ecosystems with sister Kourtney over the weekend:
“Keeping Up With The Kardashians” premiered Sunday night on E!, and if you forgot and spent that hour jerking off to “Hirsute Hussy” or having explosive diarrhea, you pretty much saw the whole thing. New York Daily News says of the Kardashians
Naked, underage pictures of reality starlets Kim and Kourtney Kardashian emerged two weeks before the debut of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” a new E! reality show featuring the family. In the first episode, youngest sis Kylie, 9, surprised viewers by showing off moves on a stripper pole in her parents’ bedroom.
Is there is a word for the kind of rage the above clip inspires? You know, good old-fashioned hooker-stabbing cat-kicking Palestinian-at-a-Zionist-Day-parade kind of rage. The kind that makes your eye twitch and causes those blackouts where you can’t remember why you’re sitting in a jail cell covered in pepper spray and vomit and somebody else’s excrement. My therapist calls that my “emotionally stunted inner child.” I call it “Jose Cuervo.” The one thing we both agree on? The Kardashians are stupid useless twats. Really, that one fat one makes Paris Hilton sound like Ruth fucking Ginsberg or something.
