I’m assuming more than a few of you have subjected yourselves to those heinous Twilight books, and thus are aware of the fact that New Moon is, by far, the worst book in the whole series (which is seriously goddamn saying something, since every page you read of those books will make you exponentially dumber).  For those who had the sense to stay far, far away from the books but still wish to suffer, it’s your lucky day!  Here’s the new, extended trailer for New Moon:

Vampires and werewolves and retards, oh my:

Ohh boy. Can you hear it? It’s the sound of tweens worldwide simultaneously “Squee!”-ing at the same time. It’s fictional romance come to life! Daily News is reporting that Twilight’s Kristen Stewart may be carrying Robert Pattinson’s pasty spawn.

An Australian tabloid is claiming that “Twilight” heartthrob Robert Pattinson has knocked up his onscreen and rumored real-life girlfriend, Kristen Stewart.

An “insider” quoted by Australia’s New Weekly says, “When [Stewart] worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant. And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father.”

The gossip mag also reports she had a friend buy a home pregnancy test for her, and that she is “very nervous about the whole situation.”

The article is accompanied by a photo of Stewart with a tiny round belly protruding from her pants on the set of her upcoming film “The Runaways,” in which she plays rocker Joan Jett.

While the pregnancy story is making the rounds on the Web, reps for Stewart and Pattinson have not confirmed whether there is any truth to the New Weekly’s report.

I’m thinking of writing my own Twilight fan fiction. In it, Bella gets knocked up by Edward because she’s too much of a stoned mouth-breather to make him use a condom, her dad finds out and kicks her out of the house, and she has to drop out of school. Edward starts acting all squirrely because he’s suddenly not sure he really loves Bella all that much, and ignores the notes that she leaves him, even though they’re written in blood. Bella gets all weepy and depressed and spends her days deep-throating Twinkies, gets super fat, pimply, then Edward chokes her and she dies of a broken heart shortly after delivering the surprise twins, which Edward promptly eats. The End.

Displaying the “pooch” and really bad posture during “The Runaways” filming:

The only thing I like more than video of people falling down is video of people throwing up. Catching them throwing up while falling down is pure comedy gold, but my sister got all upset the last time I put her wedding video on the internet. You’ll just have to trust me on this one.

Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett in “The Runaways”:

I’ve been ignoring this whole Runaways movie business for awhile, hoping it would just magically disappear.  I’m not sure precisely where the flaw was in my master plan, but things went awry at some point and the movie version of The Runaways starring Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning is still happening.  Stewart and Fanning are currently undergoing “vocal training” in preparation for their roles as Joan Jett and Cherie Currie, respectively.

I’m pretty sure that if you got a chimpanzee messed up on meth and put it on rollerskates with letters stuck to the wheels and then sent it skidding out into an oil slick, it could probably manage to stamp out a better idea than a movie starring a stoner Twilight retard and the little girl from Charlotte’s Web as the kickass chicks who sang “Cherry Bomb” and “Queens of Noise”.

Dakota Fanning arriving at a studio for voice lessons whilst playing dress-up in big girl shoes:

Kristen Stewart with her hair newly dyed black and cut in Joan Jett’s trademark shag:

Oh look, it’s one of those mouthbreathing Twilight retards.  Not the homeless looking boy one.  It’s the stoner one.  The girl.  This is a photoshoot for… I dunno, some shit or something.  The photo agency tags said only that it happened at Santa Monica Pier, and I seriously can’t be bothered to find out any more about it.

I still say that Kristen Stewart confuses my eyeholes.  She could probably be really attractive, except for the fact that she looks goddamn baked out of her gourd about 97% of the time.  I’m surprised she managed to remain upright for most of this shoot, although she did fall asleep for a little while (twice).  She also appears to have sprained her ankle at one point, presumably because she was engaged in a lovely conversation with the pier which suddenly went south when she thought the pier called her a hebetudinous slag and she tried to kick it in the shin, only to discover that the pier is not, in fact, a person.

I don’t know who’s responsible for making Megan Fox look like this, but I think we can all agree on one thing here: that person should be horse-whipped repeatedly and left for dead. It’s a good thing I’m not a Sith lord. The kind of anger these pictures inspire would make me more powerful than any Jedi’s ever dreamed of.

Megan Fox:

Miley Cyrus:

Kristen Stewart, non-conformist in the most conformist way possible:

Leighton Meester, or Aeon Flux?

Anna Faris’ dress courtesy Hefty Cinch Sak:

It’s that special time of year, folks, when we gather together with friends and family to celebrate the most successful cultural obliteration in the world’s history. Let’s all take a page from Twilight’s Kristen Stewart and pass the peace pipe and the small pox blanket and remember what we’re really thankful for — Squanto’s lack of foresight. Without it, none of us would be here! Snarky Thansgiving, bitches!

Have you kids heard of this Twilight thing?  I’m going to assume that you have, or that you’ve just woken from a coma within the last ten minutes.  Anyway, another new Twilight promo came out:

Have you read these books?  I read them because I’ve been reviewing them for Pajiba, and they’re pretty much the worst things to happen to my eyes since that time I had to give my grandmother a sponge bath.  A drunk toddler with dyslexia and a broken Speak ‘n Spell could produce better books than this series. It’s taken me over a month to force myself to finish the third one, and I seriously don’t know if I have it in me to tackle the fourth.  Of course, the infinite suckage won’t stop me from seeing the movie.  It’s the primary reason I absolutely NEED to see the movie.  I have high hopes that it will be so bad that I’ll actually pull at least three muscles and possibly crack a rib from convulsions of laughter.

There was some kind of Twilight sneak peak at the Rome IFF, and Kristen Stewart was there yesterday.  These photos were labeled “Twilight Premiere” but they only showed 15 minutes of the film, so I think calling it a premiere is a bit of a stretch.  Anyhow, the point here is that Kristen Stewart confuses my eyeholes.  Sometimes she looks really pretty, and other times she looks like she just came off a bender and she stands around like a gazelle with vertigo that’s about to tip over.  See what I’m talkin’ about?