I was trying to tell which one of these two twats looked like they were more miserable, and honestly, I couldn’t decide. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson both look like they’re trying to squeeze the itch out of an anal polyp. Hate to break it to you, kids, but that’s a two-finger job. Clenching and soulful staring isn’t gonna cure what ails ya.

On the red carpet at the “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” premiere in the UK last night:

I can’t imagine why “The World’s Leading Men’s Magazine” would put the world’s most pale, boring, and flat-chested actress on their November cover. Unless they’re lthey’re trying to get people to cancel their subscriptions, in which case, keep ‘em coming, GQ!

Her Glamour shoot was slightly more tolerable than her stupid GQ one, so here you go:

The first photos of “Twilight’s” Kristen Stewart as Snow White turned up today, some showing her in a soaking-wet dress riding bareback on a white stallion down the beach, and some of her in a full suit of armor from really far away. See if you can guess the ones one I could afford. Now, we could go around in circles arguing about my perceived “laziness” and “constant state of broke-assedness,” but we’d be ignoring the real issue at hand here, which is clearly “Why the fuck is Snow White wearing a full suit of armor?” Good luck getting any singing squirrels and baby deer to come out of the woods and braid your hair while wearing that.

W Magazine painted up “Twilight’s” Kristen Stewart with enough brow powder and foundation for a whole army of Liz Taylors in their new September issue. I don’t think they used that much makeup turning Robert Downey, Jr into a black man in “Tropic Thunder.”

The most insignificant of all the movie award shows aired on MTV last night, complete with its usual fare of predictable hijinx and zany shenanigans. Like Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake grabbing each others’ naughty bits in a bid to prove that their relationship was strictly platonic (LOL!). Or Robert Pattinson mouth-kissing his Twilight co-star Taylor Lautner (OMG)! Or a celebrity mash-up Hangover parody with host Jason Sudeikis (ROTFLMAO)! The only part of the night that was even remotely funny was when Reese Witherspoon burned nekkid-picture-taker Blake Lively. The Daily Mail says:

During her acceptance speech, Reese addressed the industry’s younger actresses. ‘It’s possible to make it in Hollywood without a reality show,’ she said.

And in a surprising direct dig at Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively, she said: ‘And if you take naked pictures of yourself with your cell phone, you hide your face.’

In other less interesting news, the god-awful “Twilight: Eclipse” won Best Movie, Best Male Performance (Robert Pattinson), Best Female Performance (Kristen Stewart), Best Kiss (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart), and Best Fight Scene (Robert Pattinson vs. Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel); some chick from the comparably shitty “Kick-Ass” took home Best Breakout Star and Biggest Badass Star; and last, but certainly not least, was Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never,” which claimed Best Jaw-Dropping Moment. I assume that references the aghast disbelief that inevitably leaves one’s mouth agape when one finds out that “Never Say Never” grossed $73 million domestically and another $25 mil overseas. To put that in perspective, that’s more than the gross national product of Sao Tome and Principe and Somalia combined. Granted, the 7-11 down the street probably grosses more than Sao Tome and Principe and Somalia combined, but it’s really the principle of it all. That principle being, “This generation sucks donkey balls.”

LOTS more pics after the jump:

Brooklyn Decker:

Emma Stone:

Jessica Szohr:

Kristen Stewart:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Kristen Stewart made sure to loudly bitch and moan about the inconvenience stardom affords in next month’s issue of Vogue magazine. Radar Online says:

“There’s no way to eloquently put this,” Stewart, who plays Bella Swan in the smash hit Twilight series, told the magazine. “I just can’t go to the mall.”

“It bothers me that I can’t be outside very often — and also to not ever be just ‘some girl’ again,” the 20-year-old beauty said. “Just being some chick at some place… that’s gone.”

I’m barely even gonna talk about how fugly they made her look because her comment pissed me off so much. It’s not like the culture of celebrity is some enigma shrouded in mystery and secretness. It’s right there at then end of every goddamn supermarket checkout stand and every Ryan Seacrest/Mary Hart piece of shit on the television. If being famous is such a terrible burden, there’s always the Kurt Cobain route. Nobody’s stopping you, Kristen!

Doing her best Napoleon Dynamite mouth:

Twilight actress (I say that tongue-in-cheek) Kristen Stewart showed up to the Late Show with David Letterman with her signature goth girl mane a new shade of strawberry blond for her role in the big screen adaptation of Jack Kerouac’s “On The Road.” There is literally nothing I could care less about than the color of Kristen Stewart’s hair, not even the mating habits of the corn earworm or the economic aftermath that resulted from the USSR’s forcible annexation of Estonia in 1940. Mostly because I don’t have glandular issues or a fully-intact hymen.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

Hi guys, it’s Sonya again for today, but Abby will be back tomorrow. The MTV Movie Awards were last night, but if you’re like me, I refuse to watch an award show where New Moon wins anything besides a steaming pile of crap. So, the big news was that Sandra Bullock kissed Scarlett Johansson, Mark Wahlberg humped Will Ferrell as they were suspended in harnesses, and Tom Cruise reprised his Les Grossman role from Tropic Thunder while dancing with Beyonce. It’s kind of nice to see him taking himself a little less seriously, but he’s still a creepy midget nutjob, and his “funny” falls kind of flat.  But all I really care about is what everyone was wearing, so down with Xenu and let’s check out the clothes.

100 crows had to die for Christina Aguilera to look this good bad:

Jessica Biel got a few of her leftovers:

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Okay, you closet Twitards, you’re about to cream your little sparkle pants because here is a peek up Kristen Stewart’s skirt. Or maybe it’s not her underwear at all, that could be The Real Thing.  She’s so damn pale, that could literally be the place where the sun don’t shine.

At an Eclipse Q & A session in Sydney:

I can see why all the vampires and werewolves in Twilight land are after Bella. Rumor has it that she’s this close to making a magic potion that will turn all the Smurfs into gold, and then they could kill her and cash in on the life insurance policy.

This person on the cover of Eva magazine is supposed to be “Twilight’s” Kristen Stewart, but she’s not staring soulfully off into space in front of a moonlit forest or frowning her way through a surly cigarette, so I don’t know if I buy it. The character, I mean. Not the magazine. Of course, I bought the magazine. Let’s be serious, who doesn’t have a subscription to Eva? Slovenian periodicals are what all the cool kids are reading these days! How else do you think I manage to stay so hip and fashion-forward?

The 82nd Annual Academy Awards were last night, and other than The Dude winning for “Crazy Heart” and “Avatar” getting rightfully snubbed (“unobtainium,” anyone?), it was a completely forgettable affair. I remember some big fat black chick winning for something, and then she somehow turned into an even bigger, fatter, blacker chick by the end of the night, for which I have no explanation other than James Cameron and possibly peyote.

But the one thing I do remember are the dresses, and while there were plenty of disappointments, a few stars really stood out this time. Kate Winslet, for one. And her dress wasn’t even that spectacular, but paired with the jewelery and the hair and the makeup… I don’t know… she just looked perfect. Versace did Demi Moore and Elizabeth Banks proud, and as much as it pains me to say it, I thought Kristen Stewart’s dress was fantastic. I’ll save the rest of my vitriol and condescension for the worst-dressed, coming up next. Stay tuned!

If you care about this sort of thing, a list of the night’s winners here.

Kate Winslet in Yves St. Laurent and $2.5 million Tiffany jewels:

Elizabeth Banks in Versace:

Demi Moore in Versace:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

The rest of the best after the jump.

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