This person on the cover of Eva magazine is supposed to be “Twilight’s” Kristen Stewart, but she’s not staring soulfully off into space in front of a moonlit forest or frowning her way through a surly cigarette, so I don’t know if I buy it. The character, I mean. Not the magazine. Of course, I bought the magazine. Let’s be serious, who doesn’t have a subscription to Eva? Slovenian periodicals are what all the cool kids are reading these days! How else do you think I manage to stay so hip and fashion-forward?

The 82nd Annual Academy Awards were last night, and other than The Dude winning for “Crazy Heart” and “Avatar” getting rightfully snubbed (“unobtainium,” anyone?), it was a completely forgettable affair. I remember some big fat black chick winning for something, and then she somehow turned into an even bigger, fatter, blacker chick by the end of the night, for which I have no explanation other than James Cameron and possibly peyote.

But the one thing I do remember are the dresses, and while there were plenty of disappointments, a few stars really stood out this time. Kate Winslet, for one. And her dress wasn’t even that spectacular, but paired with the jewelery and the hair and the makeup… I don’t know… she just looked perfect. Versace did Demi Moore and Elizabeth Banks proud, and as much as it pains me to say it, I thought Kristen Stewart’s dress was fantastic. I’ll save the rest of my vitriol and condescension for the worst-dressed, coming up next. Stay tuned!

If you care about this sort of thing, a list of the night’s winners here.

Kate Winslet in Yves St. Laurent and $2.5 million Tiffany jewels:

Elizabeth Banks in Versace:

Demi Moore in Versace:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

The rest of the best after the jump.

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In news that’s sure un-moisten the control-top panties of lonely fat girls everywhere, Twilight puss Robert Pattinson finally admitted he is dating co-star Kristen Stewart. That great disturbance you feel is the collective strain of a million Double Stuf Oreos suddenly crying out in terror and suddenly silenced. The Daily Mail says

After refusing to comment on their relationship for months, Pattinson finally broke his silence and admitted they were an item.

He told The Sun: ‘It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can’t arrive at the same time because of the fans. This was supposed to be a public appearance as a couple but it’s impossible. We are here together and it’s a public event but it’s not easy.’

So they’re a couple, but they don’t arrive together and they don’t leave together and are only ever photographed together at Twilight premieres. Interesting. Just like he is a “heterosexual” but somehow allergic to vagina and hard-up for roles where he gets to kiss naked dudes. Riii-iiiight. I’ve never seen anybody who sucked so bad at lying. And I’ve seen Dick Cheney on “Meet the Press” more than once, so that’s really saying something.

Kristen at the BAFTA’s and the Elle Style Awards last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

Ashley Greene is everywhere lately because ain’t no escaping any o’ them Twilight fools, but at least she’s better than Kristen Stewart.  Ashley doesn’t incessantly bite her lip like she’s trying to eat her own face from the inside out, and she also generally looks like she washes her hair at least once a week.  More importantly, Ashley has been slutting it up as hard as she can recently, which makes my job easier because you pervs are insatiable and it’s winter and the only other ladies flitting around half naked today are Victoria Silvstedt, who is an actual whore (as in literally a prostitute) and Rachel Zoe, who looks like she’s been dead since about 2006.

More photos from Ashley Greene’s “skinsuit” body paint shoot for SoBe Life Water, which will be featured in the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (you can see a video of the shoot here):

Supposedly, Twilight retards Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart spent New Year’s Eve together on the Isle of Wight.  From Star:

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart rang in 2010 together in England’s Isle of Wight.

The stars of Twilight were spotted bundled up in hoodies shopping on the island off England’s south coast and even took pics with a fan, according to reports.

Rob spent the holidays in his native London where he celebrated Christmas with his family so it’s no surprise his costar — who he’s had an on-and-off again romance with — would join him to usher in the new year!

Now, keep in mind that this is from Star, so there’s at least an 85% chance this story is entirely made up and the “reports” came from a talking badger and a bag of hashish.  But still, there is a remote possibility that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson may have spent a day shopping on the same island, and maybe they were both wearing sweatshirts.  Oh mah gawd, y’all… can you feel the romance?  The passion?  The excitement? Yeah, me neither.  I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at some point, and now my whole left side is numb.

I’m assuming more than a few of you have subjected yourselves to those heinous Twilight books, and thus are aware of the fact that New Moon is, by far, the worst book in the whole series (which is seriously goddamn saying something, since every page you read of those books will make you exponentially dumber).  For those who had the sense to stay far, far away from the books but still wish to suffer, it’s your lucky day!  Here’s the new, extended trailer for New Moon:

Vampires and werewolves and retards, oh my:

Ohh boy. Can you hear it? It’s the sound of tweens worldwide simultaneously “Squee!”-ing at the same time. It’s fictional romance come to life! Daily News is reporting that Twilight’s Kristen Stewart may be carrying Robert Pattinson’s pasty spawn.

An Australian tabloid is claiming that “Twilight” heartthrob Robert Pattinson has knocked up his onscreen and rumored real-life girlfriend, Kristen Stewart.

An “insider” quoted by Australia’s New Weekly says, “When [Stewart] worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant. And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father.”

The gossip mag also reports she had a friend buy a home pregnancy test for her, and that she is “very nervous about the whole situation.”

The article is accompanied by a photo of Stewart with a tiny round belly protruding from her pants on the set of her upcoming film “The Runaways,” in which she plays rocker Joan Jett.

While the pregnancy story is making the rounds on the Web, reps for Stewart and Pattinson have not confirmed whether there is any truth to the New Weekly’s report.

I’m thinking of writing my own Twilight fan fiction. In it, Bella gets knocked up by Edward because she’s too much of a stoned mouth-breather to make him use a condom, her dad finds out and kicks her out of the house, and she has to drop out of school. Edward starts acting all squirrely because he’s suddenly not sure he really loves Bella all that much, and ignores the notes that she leaves him, even though they’re written in blood. Bella gets all weepy and depressed and spends her days deep-throating Twinkies, gets super fat, pimply, then Edward chokes her and she dies of a broken heart shortly after delivering the surprise twins, which Edward promptly eats. The End.

Displaying the “pooch” and really bad posture during “The Runaways” filming:

The only thing I like more than video of people falling down is video of people throwing up. Catching them throwing up while falling down is pure comedy gold, but my sister got all upset the last time I put her wedding video on the internet. You’ll just have to trust me on this one.

Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett in “The Runaways”:

I’ve been ignoring this whole Runaways movie business for awhile, hoping it would just magically disappear.  I’m not sure precisely where the flaw was in my master plan, but things went awry at some point and the movie version of The Runaways starring Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning is still happening.  Stewart and Fanning are currently undergoing “vocal training” in preparation for their roles as Joan Jett and Cherie Currie, respectively.

I’m pretty sure that if you got a chimpanzee messed up on meth and put it on rollerskates with letters stuck to the wheels and then sent it skidding out into an oil slick, it could probably manage to stamp out a better idea than a movie starring a stoner Twilight retard and the little girl from Charlotte’s Web as the kickass chicks who sang “Cherry Bomb” and “Queens of Noise”.

Dakota Fanning arriving at a studio for voice lessons whilst playing dress-up in big girl shoes:

Kristen Stewart with her hair newly dyed black and cut in Joan Jett’s trademark shag:

Oh look, it’s one of those mouthbreathing Twilight retards.  Not the homeless looking boy one.  It’s the stoner one.  The girl.  This is a photoshoot for… I dunno, some shit or something.  The photo agency tags said only that it happened at Santa Monica Pier, and I seriously can’t be bothered to find out any more about it.

I still say that Kristen Stewart confuses my eyeholes.  She could probably be really attractive, except for the fact that she looks goddamn baked out of her gourd about 97% of the time.  I’m surprised she managed to remain upright for most of this shoot, although she did fall asleep for a little while (twice).  She also appears to have sprained her ankle at one point, presumably because she was engaged in a lovely conversation with the pier which suddenly went south when she thought the pier called her a hebetudinous slag and she tried to kick it in the shin, only to discover that the pier is not, in fact, a person.

I don’t know who’s responsible for making Megan Fox look like this, but I think we can all agree on one thing here: that person should be horse-whipped repeatedly and left for dead. It’s a good thing I’m not a Sith lord. The kind of anger these pictures inspire would make me more powerful than any Jedi’s ever dreamed of.

Megan Fox:

Miley Cyrus:

Kristen Stewart, non-conformist in the most conformist way possible:

Leighton Meester, or Aeon Flux?

Anna Faris’ dress courtesy Hefty Cinch Sak:

It’s that special time of year, folks, when we gather together with friends and family to celebrate the most successful cultural obliteration in the world’s history. Let’s all take a page from Twilight’s Kristen Stewart and pass the peace pipe and the small pox blanket and remember what we’re really thankful for — Squanto’s lack of foresight. Without it, none of us would be here! Snarky Thansgiving, bitches!