It’s hard to know where to look when fat girls try to be sexy. Your instinct is to flatten out and try to be inconspicuous as possible, but then you remember that shortbread cookies and cheese quesadillas are flat, too, and fat girls sure as hell don’t ignore those. So then you think you should maybe crawl under the table to hide, but then you remember that fat girls often hunt the floor in the hopes of finding the occasional wayward M&M that managed to escape their doughy fists before they could stuff it in their big fat pieholes. Basically, you’re screwed every which way you look. Your best bet is to throw something resembling food in the fat girl’s general direction and yell “FIRE!” as you sprint to the closest exit, but unfortunately, that doesn’t work with a video. I know I waved a chicken drumstick in front of my monitor for almost five goddamn minutes before Beyonce finally stopped thrusting her gut at me. Frankly, you’re better off just running away.
The official music video for Lady Gaga’s latest single “Bad Romance” is out, and it’s every bit the masterpiece you’d expect it to be. Think “Nip/Tuck sound stage” meets “The Fifth Element costume department” meets “Lewis Carroll on an opium trip” meets “first year film student.” All that, and she still managed to work in the Curly Shuffle at the 3:07 mark! You usually only find this much crap in one place when you’re standing in a bus station bathroom after Greek Week.
Lady Gaga was one of the guests of honor at the 13th annual ACE Awards in Manhattan last night, and if you’re wondering if she dressed like a complete jackass, well, of course she did. It’s her shtick. It keeps you from noticing how much her music sucks. The Daily Mail says
The singer attended the Accessories Council Excellence (ACE) Awards in New York… [in some very] bizarre headgear.
The 23-year-old singer wore a black lace veil partially covering her Marie Antoinette-style big hair, which was topped with a black beaded crown, a pink bra over a black shirt, pink hotpants, fishnet tights and killer heels.
Boy, good thing she wore that crown. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would have been if someone else had shown up in the exact same outfit?
Just when you thought you couldn’t possibly hate Madonna and Lady Gaga any more than you do right now, they go and do something like this:
Madonna and Lady Gaga continued their catfight from “Saturday Night Live” well into Sunday — they got into a one-on-one dance-off at SoHo hot spot Submercer at a Sunday night birthday party for Madge’s manager. “[The DJ was] alternating their songs ‘Holiday’ and ‘Poker Face,’ and then they both started going at it,” says an onlooker. “Madonna seemed to be the winner. People were going wild.”
There’s not any video of the real dance-off, but just imagine two shemales in S&M attire vogue-ing and thrusting like they’ve got tardive dyskinesia and you’ve pretty much covered it. It’s like my Dad always said — “it’s not really a birthday party unless a tranny pulls a groin muscle.” Of course, “until a little kid throws up from crying so hard” seemed to suffice until I went away to college. Asshole.
Lady Gaga looking more beautiful than she ever looked in her life this past summer:
I dare you to find something unfunnier than Madonna and Lady Gaga’s Saturday Night Live skit. Other than my last ten posts, I mean. That’s not really even trying.
UPDATE: Now with equally unfunny screen cap action!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but… Kanye West’s and Lady Gaga’s “Fame Kills” tour has been canceled. Yeah. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself. According to Rolling Stone
The primary reason “Fame Kills” was nixed: sluggish early numbers. Ticket sales “sucked,” to point where “’sucked’ happens to be a nicer version of the word,” TMZ writes, adding Gaga’s and West’s people were allegedly “at each others throats.”
But Gaga’s choreographer, Laurieann Gibson, tweeted:
Creative differences!!!
“Creative differences” my foot. I bet they just couldn’t agree on which one them got to be the man.
Well, I’ll be damned. You can do something with sheer red lace other than hang it from an antebellum whorehouse window. Scarlett O’Hara could really learn a thing or two from Lady Gaga.
“Performing” at New York’s Fashion Week yesterday, plus some of her drunk at the VMA’s afterparty:
V Magazine proclaims it’s “Lady Gaga’s World” on the cover of their September issue, on which Lady Gaga appears to be mid-fart and full black-face. Oh, and Gaga? 1971 Malibu Barbie called. She wants to know if anyone still thinks that joke’s funny. ‘Cause I sure as hell do!
Whoever smelt it, dealt it:
And for shits and giggles (mostly shits), Kate Moss in next month’s UK V Magazine (thumb 9 NSFW):
Hey guys, it’s Sarah again. Abby’s scheduled to be extradited this afternoon, so she should be back tomorrow. Yay! Now, in things that are far less filled with delight, here’s Lady Gaga in a wig made out of nylon Barbie hair and a skirt made out of the face of Animal from The Muppets. She fills me with so much rage I don’t even know what to do with all of it.
Dear Lady Gaga,
Don’t wear things made of Muppet. You are unworthy. Also, you might consider shaving your head and duct taping some yarn to your bald pate. It would be a vast improvement on your current hair suit. Lastly, please stop happening altogether. It would really help me out.
Here’s one of your favorite people you love to hate, Lady Gaga performing at G-A-Y at Heaven in London, in more stupid costumes. I’m so appreciative that she was nice enough to use a big triangle to point out that the crotch of her fishnets hanging out, otherwise I might have missed it in all the sparkle and ruffles. All her ridiculous costumes are like smoke and mirrors to distract you away from the fact that her music sucks, but it doesn’t quite work. Kind of like how when you take a big stinky dump and try to cover it up with some Glade, but then it just ends up smelling like hot flowery ass.
The first part of Lady Gaga’s name is a term for British nobility. The second half is something a baby says during early attempts at verbalization. She appears to have sewn a gigantic hair button to the top of her head. Given what we know, factoring in current social mores and a margin of error plus or minus five percent, I think we can safely say that Lady Gaga is a fucking idiot.
I’ve already introduced you to the term “party hat nipple.” Now meet Lady Gaga’s spin on the party hat, the “nipple sombrero.” You know, for those times you want to make your aereolas look as big as fucking dinner plates.
