This is a day late and a dollar short, but Beyonce managed to steal Lady Gaga’s Jo Calderone thunder by announcing she was three months’ pregnant with husband Jay-Z’s first child at the MTV Video Music Awards this past Sunday. Thankfully, I didn’t have to watch the VMAs because Hurricane Irene knocked out all the power, so it’s probably best that I just nod approvingly and pretend I know what’s going on from here on out. Us Magazine says:

Radiant in D&G pants and a sequined top, Beyonce began her song “Love on Top” with a rousing invitation to the audience: “Tonight, I want you to stand up on your feet — I want you to feel the love that’s growing inside me!”

Once her showstopping, energetic song was done, the superstar, 29, then unbuttoned her jacket, rubbed her belly, and flashed a giant smile. In the audience, cameras showed hubby Jay-Z beaming ear-to-ear as pal Kanye West congratulated him.

It will be the first child for Beyonce and Jay-Z (real name: Shawn Carter), 41, who wed in April 2008.

So Beyonce’s belly beat out Lady Gaga’s tuck for headlines, and you know how Lady Gaga has to be the center of attention at any show she attends (see here, here, here and here, for starters). I bet that really stuck in ol’ Gaga’s craw. And for the record, “ol’ Gaga’s craw” just made #3 on my list of “The Top Ten Things I Never Want to See as Long as I Live,” followed closely by “Charlie Sheen’s anal warts” and “The Cleveland Show.”

Lady Gaga as angry Ralph Macchio Jo Calderone here; video of Beyonce’s announcement after the jump:

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Lady Gaga posed in Japanese Vogue (cover here; pics here) back in June, but a whole lot of nude and topless outtakes from the shoot have just now surfaced that Vogue decided not to put in the issue. All you have to do is click the header and you’ll instantly know why.

Although her new single won’t be in stores until August 23rd, Lady Gaga released the gimmicky controversial cover of “You And I” on her Twitter yesterday: Gaga dressed up as her “male alter ego” Jo Calderone. If you ever wondered what it would look like if somebody crossbred Danny Zuko with Bob Dylan and then abandoned them to a lifetime of heroin addiction and dirty sanchezes, wonder no more, my friend. All is about to be revealed.

Lady Gaga and her legion of little monsters always claim that her style is “original” and “unique,” but what I see here looks like one part Lucius Malfoy wig, one part Morticia Adams dress, one part Enrique Inglesia’s mole, and a splash of Madonna’s Vogue at the MTV Music awards in 1990. Any way you mix it up, that look’s not hers.

Heading to Jimmy Kimmel live:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lady Gaga is facing a lawsuit today after she refused to reveal exactly how much of the proceeds of those five-dollar bracelets she created on behalf of earthquake relief efforts in Japan actually goes to her “We Pray For Japan” charity. Bored yet? Me, too. Nine MSN says:

On top of the [wristband's] sale price [of $5], she charged $3.99 for shipping and handling and $0.60 for taxes – but she’s been accused of pocketing the extra dosh and won’t reveal exactly how much of the $5 goes to the earthquake victims.

“I’m suing Lady Gaga simply to hold her accountable for giving the money that she was raising for charity to the cause that she was trying to raise it for,” said Ari Kresch, a Michigan attorney.

To be honest, I’m actually surprised she hasn’t been sued sooner. I just figured it would have been Madonna, David Bowie, Britney Spears, Grace Jones, Loli Lux, Ace of Base, SNSD, RuPaul, Marilyn Manson or Jana Sterbak suing her for copyright infringement first.

The only thing sadder than those art deco Dwayne Wayne glasses are the sad, sad titties in this picture. Seriously, they’re like the Pagliacci of tits. You’re not the only one crying on the inside, clown.

Fugging up France yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

What’s worse than a Lady Gaga nipslip? How about two Lady Gaga nipslips? Today is just not going to be our day, my friends. We should stay inside with the shades drawn and nurse a bottle of gin until the bad feelings go away.

Arriving at the CFDAs to get her Fashion Icon (no, really) Award last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lady Gaga really shows her ass in the June issue of Rolling Stone, and I don’t just mean that euphemistically. I mean she literally pulls down her pants and shows her ass. I’m sure it has some deep esoteric meaning that I’m just missing because I’m not gay or morbidly obese. She tells the magazine:

“[When I was in school], I had a very big nose, very curly brown hair and I was overweight. I got made fun of,” she says.

Her early struggles is part of the reason Gaga relates to her fans, many of whom are eccentric misfits.

“I see myself in them,” Gaga has said. “And I look at them, and every show there’s a little more eyeliner, a little more freedom, and a little more ‘I don’t give a fuck about the bullies at my school.’ ”

Gaga, who adores her fans almost as much as they worship her, says “When I am not onstage I feel dead. I don’t feel alive unless I’m performing [for my Little Monsters].”

I’m not how pulling down her pants is really a testament to her fans. I’m sure most of them are more used to having their pants and underwear yanked up their ass crack before they’re stuffed inside a locker or covered in spit balls.

The faggy kid was the big winner of American Idol’s tenth season, beating out the chubby girl in a star-studded crapfest that I didn’t bother watching last night because I was too busy huffing glue. The Daily Mail says:

With an astonishing 122million votes cast by viewers, there was no doubt that Scotty McCreery was the popular choice, with Lauren Alaina coming in second place.

‘I never in my wildest dreams,’ said an emotional Scotty, whose strikingly deep, old-soul voice defies his youth.

The religious 17-year-old then added: I’ve got to thank the Lord first… he got me here.’

The star-studded show featured performances from Lady Gaga, Bono, The Edge, Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce, Judas Priest, Kirk Franklin, Jack Black, Tony Bennett, Carrie Underwood and Tom Jones.

Bono? Really, Bono was on American Idol promoting some Spiderman shit? And I thought I he couldn’t sink any lower than hawking Louis Vuitton man-purses for Marc Jacobs. That just goes to show you should never bank on artist integrity when there’s a dollar at stake. I think selling out just reached its zenith.

Lady Gaga and Jennifer Lopez performing (video of both, plus Beyonce & the female finalists after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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You don’t usually see tits like these unless they’re attached to a woman in a loincloth squatting over a bowl of cornmeal and brushing the flies from her eyes. Leave it to Lady Gaga to bring us all the magic of the African bush without any of the malaria or mass ethnic cleansing that tends to plague the real Motherland experience.

At Best Buy in NYC yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lady Gaga and her “bones” posed in a provocative shoot for NME magazine, which I assumed was a periodical published by Nightmare Enterprises for King Dedede to aid in his attempts to take down the mighty star warrior Kirby. Apparently this was not the case, although it may still give you nightmares. She says in the interview (via the Daily Mail):

“I feel I have been probed endlessly about who the fuck I am. I have been quite open about it. And still nobody seems to have a clue.

I’m not going to start churning out what you expect. If you’re looking for me to be something that isn’t there, STOP LOOKING. I am not that. I am not created. If you want me to be a manufactured act, you can fuck off.

Let me tell you something. If you fucking rip my hairbow and my wig off my fucking head, my shoes, my bra, every single thing on my body, and you throw me on a piano with a microphone, I will fucking make you cry.”

She’s right, you know. You would cry. Seeing that disgusting leprechaun naked on a piano would unleash a torrent of anguish and despair unlike anything you had ever known. It’s the same feeling you get after seeing “Two Girls, One Cup” or when the bartender cuts you off before happy hour is even over.

Her new controversial single “Judas”:

Lady Gaga fell off her piano and pancaked the floor during a live performance in Houston yesterday, and although it was a pretty stout fall, she somehow managed to escape any significant injury. Local paramedics reportedly credit her balls with cushioning the fall.