Since Lance Armstrong dumped her ass last month, Kate Hudson’s been chasing down ex-beau Owen Wilson for some good old-fashioned penis action. A source told Star Magazine

“[Owen] was frosty at first. He felt betrayed when she dumped him for his friend Lance. But after a while, he caved in and has been sweet to her.”

Friends worry that Owen (who tried to commit suicide in 2007 after splitting from Kate the first time) will once again fall under [her] spell. It’s not fair to Owen, because he really cares for her and ends up getting hurt.”

You’d be better off sticking your wiener in a garlic press than inside Kate Hudson. At least the garlic press doesn’t come with a kid and ears that double as satellite dishes.

In Beverly Hills August 13th:

Kate Hudson made it four days after getting dumped by Lance Armstrong before being photographed sucking face with ex-husband Chris Robinson. Yep, four whole days! This has to be some kind of new record. A source told OK! Magazine

“They were really affectionate with each other and gave each other a kiss which lasted much longer then a platonic kiss should last — 20 seconds, maybe a little longer. The kiss was more than just friends. They seemed like something more going on.”

A pal of Kate’s tells OK!, “She and Chris have always been close and she turns to her exes after most of her breakups.

This reminds me of that classic fairy tale “Donkey Cabbages:”

A huntsman gave an old woman alms. She told him if he swallowed the heart of the dead bird, he would find a gold coin by his pillow every morning. He came to a castle where an old witch lived with her beautiful daughter. The witch knew about the bird’s heart and gave the man a drink, and the bird’s heart came up.

The huntsmen rode off on a cloud [that] bore him a cabbage garden and he ate some. It turned him into a donkey. He found a different patch of cabbage, which turned him back into a man. He took both kinds of cabbage back to the castle and gave [some to the witch and her daughter] and they became donkeys. The huntsmen sold the donkeys to a miller, telling him to give the old one one meal a day and three beatings, and the youngest three meals and no beatings.

After a time, he came back. The miller told him that the oldest was dead. The huntsman bought the youngest donkey and turned her back into a woman. They married.

Now, doesn’t that tale remind you of Kate Hudson? Not because of the actual story or anything. Because the term “donkey cabbage” is such a good euphemism for Kate Hudson’s vagina. I don’t imagine you take turns playing host to that much cock without a little labial droopage and bunching from time to time.

In Santa Monica July 14th:

The three-month romance between cyclist Lance Armstrong and actress Kate Hudson is already over. According to Page Six

Sources said they tried to make it work, but the constant bickering and their travel schedules drove them apart. Hudson made a last-ditch effort last week, traveling to see her beau in Ohio, but “they both decided it wasn’t feasible,” a friend said.The couple had a big blowout a week ago and Armstrong stormed off - “They didn’t talk for like five days.”

This doesn’t really come as a surprise. We all know who her real soul mate is. Like a moth to a flame or a Spears to a ranch dressing hose or a dog to its own vomit, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are innately drawn together by the cosmic force known as “destiny.” Not to be confused with that stripper from Scores that gave Owen the VD. That was Destinee with two e’s.

Playing tennis at Pacific Palisades earlier this month:

Kate Hudson was caught doing it with Lance Armstrong in the bathroom at a party in Cannes. According to Showbiz Spy

A witness spoke to Hudson in the bathroom at a Dolce & Gabbana event when Armstrong walked out of one of the cubicles. The source said: “I asked her what she was doing. Kate blushed and laughed - and then Lance walked out of a stall topless!”

Just a reminder: every time a person flushes a toilet without a lid, a fine mist of feces or urine (or both, if you’re lucky) sprays out in a ten foot radius from the bowl and coats everything in sight with a nice thick layer of piss and shit. Interesting side note: the average public stall is only 36 inches wide. Ten foot radius. I’ll give you a minute to do the math here. Take your time. Pretty sexy, huh? In fact, I’d say the only thing sexier than doing it in a public restroom is maybe doing it in a truck stop shower after Daytona Bike Week. Those bastards really know how to get down and dirty.

At the Dolce and Gabanna party on Friday:

Kate Hudson has dumped Owen Wilson for seven-times Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. Kate flew to Lance’s Texas home on Friday for weekend filled with romance and absolutely no suicide watches. The Daily Mail says

“When Kate was with Owen, she got to know Lance really well but they hooked up again recently at a dinner party thrown by a mutual friend and that’s when the romance began. They have both been keeping it very quiet. Kate and Lance have been dating for a couple of weeks. She and Lance are both physical, passionate people – she’s never been happier.”

Well, if you’re going to start dating Lance Armstrong, you need to steer clear of several trigger phrases that are well-known to upset him. I can’t stress this enough. I keep a handy list in my pocket at all times, just in case I come back as a bicycle or a desperate slut in my next life. I present to you

10. The expression “you’re really on the ball today!” Try “you’re exceedingly capable” or “good job” instead.

9. Patrick Ball, legend of Celtic harp and spoken word. Enough said.

8. “The ball’s in your court.” Um, no it’s not, you insensitive jerk.

7. “The ol’ ball and chain.” Is that some kind of “Lance Armstrong on a bicycle” joke? Shame on you, sir. Shame on you.

6. “Ball pythons.” Just trust me on this one.

5. “Ball State University.” The Mid-American Conference upsets most people, actually.

4. “Break your balls.” Oh, aren’t they broken enough for you?

3. “Ballindalloch Castle.” Frankly, it was never the same after the first Marquess of Montrose burned it to the ground.

2. “Ball Park Franks.” They plump when you cook ‘em.

1. “Testing for Erythropoietin Stimulating Agents.” Also the “Union Cycliste Internationale” and the “World Anti-Doping Agency.” Those guys are a bunch of serious hard-ons.

Kate at the “Fool’s Gold” premiere last month with Matthew McConaughey:

Fellow woman scorned Sheryl Crow is speaking out on the demise of Jennifer Aniston’s marriage to Brad Pitt, insisting it was Jen who dumped Brad in back 2005 and not the other way around. Crow claims she and Aniston became BFF after she ditched cyclist Lance Armstrong and Jen sent Brad packing. Contact Music quotes her as saying

“The perceived idea is that… we both got dumped. Believe me, this is not true. Neither one of us has ever gotten dumped. Once Jen saw the writing on the wall, she dumped Brad. She took a cold, hard look at her marriage and [realized]… she and Brad had vastly different personal agendas and feelings about love, career and having a family.”

The biggest personal difference of course being Brad’s “porking Angelina Jolie” agenda. It just didn’t meld with Jen’s staunch “not being Angelina Jolie” agenda. I think that’s what’s meant by the legal term “irreconcilable differences.”

Not Angelina and Owen Wilson in Miami filming “Marley and Me” yesterday: