There was no shortage of entertainment on hand at Rihanna’s 22nd birthday last week, unless you count the midget stripper in the leather corset. Nine MSN says

Rihanna’s new boyfriend Matt Kemp the idea to present her with a frisky little person stripper for her birthday.

“Bridget the Midget” performed a raunchy dance for Rhi at her birthday party in Arizona and according to other party guests, Rihanna absolutely loved the kooky gift.

“She thought it was funny,” says a friend.

“Funny” is a fat person being dragged face-first through the sand while still attached to a parasail. A half-naked dwarf wielding a riding crop is not funny. It’s like something from a Stephen King novel. All she needs is a twin and a tricycle and she’d make Pennywise the Clown look like the goddamn Easter Bunny.

In case you wanted to breakfast in reverse this morning: The Sun says

Fueled by the local rum, Amy Winehouse [and] her lover Josh Bowman… broke a bed and lamp in her room during a weekend pillow fight that got out of hand. By the time security arrived, she had stripped off to her birthday suit and was giving Josh a lap dance.

I tried to think of something worse, like emptying an old person’s bedpan or abcesses with maggots in them, but nothing seemed as bad as a naked lap dance from Amy Winehouse. Suffice it to say I would rather wear Roseanne Barr’s ass like a hat while skipping rope with a cobra.

More of Amy topless because I hate you: