Larry Birkhead plunked down three grand at an auction this weekend for lingerie worn by Anna Nicole Smith in a Playboy shoot before she died. According to Us Weekly

Birkhead paid $1,800 for a pink bustier and $1,000 for a white negligee because he wanted to give their 1-year-old daughter Dannielynn a keepsake of her mother.

“I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn’t really know about,” he told the Associated Press. “Playboy was such a big part of Anna’s career.”

Nothing makes a better keepsake for child than some of momma’s used lingerie. Not to mention the panache a hot little crotchless number mounted over the crib brings to a one-year old’s room! All Larry needs to do now is pipe in Motley Crue’s “Girls, Girls, Girls” and stack a couple of gin-soaked singles by the crib, and — except for the noticeably absent puke — you’d almost swear Anna Nicle was right there in the room with you.

There’s no denying the magnificent power of call of the douche, as illustrated by Paris Hilton’s assortment of douchetastic boyfriends. Reminiscent of the braying of a donkey or the primal screech of a lust-filled baboon, the douchebag’s song implores its fellow douchebag to commence the mating ritual. But what happens when rival douchebags sound off in close proximity? Douchebaggery aplenty, that’s what! Daily Mail says

Hotel heiress Paris Hilton appears to have a new fondness for famous fathers - after she was spotted with both the ex-partners of Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith. Just 24 hours after the socialite was photographed cozying up to Kevin Federline in Las Vegas, she spent New Year’s Eve enjoying an intimate chat with Larry Birkhead - father of tragic Anna Nicole Smith’s baby Dannielynn. While Hilton appeared to be enjoying Federline’s company over the weekend, on New Year’s Eve the socialite [preferred] photographer Birkhead.

Boy, that ought to get the old gene pool a-bubblin’! Larry Birkhead and Paris Hilton vs. Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton. I’d like to see the bastard results of those Punnett squares right there. A couple of centimeters to the left and Paris ought to be able to see what’s behind her without ever turning her head, so there’s a pretty good chance the kid would end up with monocular vision no matter who the daddy is. You know, where the eyes work independently of each other and span 360 degrees. Like Cookie Monster, if Cookie Monster had a grapefruit and a ping-pong ball positioned either side of his head instead of googly eyes and a nose made of partially-melted silly putty. Think “camel,” only uglier and probably wearing a Starter jacket.

Paris celebrating New Year’s Eve in a variety of stupid poses:

The saga continues. A Los Angeles Judge ruled on Tuesday that Howard K. Stern be named executor of the late Anna Nicole’s estate and Larry Birkhead gets — what else? The kid. People reports:

Attorneys will return to court later this year to review Smith’s assets, which Stern estimated at $710,000 – but which could grow substantially pending the outcome of a battle over the estate of Smith’s late husband, billionaire J. Howard Marshall.

Superior Court Judge Mitchell Beckloff told the lawyers he was concerned about a clause in Smith’s will disinheriting any children born after her son, Daniel, who died last September three days after Dannielynn was born.

Well, Larry, while you may not have won the Grand Prize, Rod tell him what he has won! That’s right, Larry — you and a guest have won a no-expenses paid trip to fatherhood for the next eighteen years raising a genetic cocktail of bipolar disorder, substance abuse and sociopathy; with a splash of diet pills and silicon for good measure! But wait — there’s more! Larry has also won his dead BabyMomma’s white trash family, whom he is effectively chained to for the duration of the fatherhood. Congratulations, man! You’ve earned it!

Just when you thought that “As Anna Nicole Turns” had finally come to an end with the revelation of baby Dannielynn’s true father, a shady new character emerges to foil the male lead and boost sagging ratings. Stay tuned, because former male model Kerrick Ross is telling the tabloids that he regularly made man-love to one Larry Birkhead. The National Enquirer reports:

[Kerrick and Birkhead] met in Louisville around mid-2000 when Birkhead was a struggling real estate agent. “We were together for about two months and had sex eight to 10 times, always at my apartment. He often spent the whole night with me. I had been ‘out’ for a long time, but Larry was not out of the closet - and he was terrified about his [devout Southern Baptist] family finding out. Larry didn’t consider himself gay. He was more comfortable saying he was bi-sexual. I never knew him to go out with women when we were together, but I found out after we broke up that he had been seeing women.”

A little twist on an old soap opera staple: the revealed affair. Usually the adultery is committed with a best friend, or the sibling or parent of the wronged spouse, but that’s what makes this show so unique. The unexpected and innovative plot turns. Like that one episode where Anna Nicole plays a clown and Howard Stern plays the devil, for example. You didn’t see that one coming. And for that matter, there aren’t enough clowns on daytime television anymore, what with all the bigotry and hatred directed at circus folk and carnies. We have feelings too, you know. If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you tickle me, do I not laugh? If you throw a cream pie at me, do I not chase you down and beat you with a prop chicken until Esmerelda the bearded lady finishes her gypsy curse on you? I thought so. Underneath all the face paint and unisex beards, we’re just as human as you.

One sneak peek inside OK’s photo spread after the jump

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