Michael Jackson is alive and well and masquerading as a burn victim… at least according to a website that gets more than a million hits a day. Nine MSN says

According to the conspiracy theorists, Michael is masquerading as ‘Dave Dave,’ a 33-year-old burn victim who he befriended as a child.

MJ’s fans claim they have video evidence in the form of an interview Dave gave on Larry King last year. They say his voice and mannerisms are identical to Michael’s, and his eyes have changed from blue/green to brown. “There’s no doubt Michael Jackson is still alive. We have the evidence, now we want to let everyone know,” says a member of michaeljacksonhoaxforum.com.

Additionally, the MichaelJacksonHoaxForum.com administrator told The Sun:

“Michael Jackson attended Larry King Live on the day of the funeral disguised as Dave Dave.

The media told us two different stories. TMZ.com reported he died six minutes before the doctor pronounced him dead, and CNN kept telling us he was in a coma. What really happened still remains a mystery.”

If Michael Jackson is actually alive, he’s not going to go around pretending to be a damn burn victim. He can be anybody he wants to be, so why not pick something good? Like, say… and I’m just going out on a limb here — a pediatric urologist? I bet touching little boys’ wieners is waaay easier without constant media scrutiny and slings and arrows of public opinion. He’s finally free to live the life he always wanted!

The supposed “proof” (FF to the 2:17 mark) he’s Dave Dave:

Brooklyn Decker shooting scenes for Adam Sandler’s stupid new movie, because burn victims are kind of a boner-killer:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Larry King and Shawn Southwick have temporarily halted all legal activity in their divorce proceedings for the next two weeks, probably because that’s how long it takes for Larry’s Metamucil to kick in and produce a bowel movement. TMZ says

Larry’s attorney [said], “Larry and Shawn met with the counselor today. It was decided that there will be no divorce activity for 2 weeks as several issues need to be discussed and resolved.”

[It should be noted that] Larry and Shawn have not withdrawn their respective petitions for divorce — they’ve simply decided to refrain from making any legal moves.

But Larry might change his tune when he finds out his wife has been bagging the kids’ little league coach (MySpace profile pic here) the whole time he was helping him with his “acting” career. Radar Online says

[Baseball coach] Hector Penate grew extremely close to the family, with the children “idolizing” him and the Kings taking him everywhere with them, including on shopping trips and amusement park visits.

But he was having an affair with Shawn.

Penate confirmed the affair with Shawn in an interview with Entertainment Tonight. When asked if Shawn had discussed divorcing Larry, he answered, “All the time… Don’t worry, he’s going to die soon.”

Shawn was attempting to hook up Hector with her husband’s agent and Larry was also helping. “Larry was more concerned with his kids’ baseball careers, so he was willing to help out Hector to keep him happy. [Hector] was with the family almost every day.”

I’d think it was kind of weird if my coach started hanging out with my family all the time, but then again, I thought it was weird when my coach wanted me to stick around after practice so he could give me wine coolers and pull down my pants in the equipment closet. I guess that’s just what they mean when they say “Coaches touch so many lives.”

Not only does Larry King NOT have a prenup with estranged wife Shawn Southwick, he also signed away the rights to his Beverly Hills mansion and two homes in Utah five years ago (that would be the first time Shawn accused him of boning her sister). TMZ says of the non-existent prenup:

Sources tell us Larry — who was married 7 times before tying the knot with Shawn — did not demand a prenup. As one source close to the situation [said], “She is a tall, good-looking blonde and that pretty much explains it.”

In California, earnings accumulated during a marriage are split 50/50. Larry’s net worth is reportedly estimated at $144 million.

And of the homes he signed over to his estranged wife:

Several years ago Shawn accused Larry of having an affair with her sister, Shannon Engemann. Shawn threatened to leak the story to the media unless Larry signed a document giving up his interest in their Beverly Hills estate, along with two other homes in Utah.

Larry took the document to his attorney, who ordered him not to sign it. Larry [then] went to Shawn’s lawyer, and that attorney eventually gave Larry the green light to sign the agreement.

Larry will try to undo the agreement in divorce court [by claiming] “undue influence” — that Shawn bullied Larry into sitting down with a former partner of her lawyer who told him it was okay to sign the agreement.

When Larry asked his lawyers what legal position he should take regarding undue influence, his attorneys reportedly said, “bent over with your ass cheeks spread, you dumbass.” They were married for thirteen years. Dude is completely fucked.

Legally dead Larry “Pegleg” King is getting divorced for the eighth time, this time from his pill-popping train wreck of a wife Shawn Southwick. TMZ says

Larry King and Shawn Southwick filed for divorce [yesterday] after an explosive argument at their home in Beverly Hills.

We’re told the marriage fell apart over allegations of infidelity. Sources say Shawn is accusing Larry of having an affair with one of her close relatives.

And that “close relative” would be none other than her younger sister:

Larry King’s marriage fell apart in large part because Shawn Southwick believes Larry is having an affair with her sister, Shannon Engemann.

Shannon says Shawn has been accusing her of fooling around with Larry for months. She says Shawn has repeatedly pointed to the fact that Larry gave Shannon numerous gifts… [including] a $160,000 car [and a Cartier necklace].

Shannon [said], “I did not have an affair with Larry. He’s been like a father to me.”

I always thought that old people having sex with a myth, like the Chupacabra or the Holocaust. It just seems logistically impossible. Like trying to drill a hollowed-out prune with a lukewarm wad of ricotta cheese. It defies every fundamental law of physics.

Ew:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Former Miss California and heterosexual marriage champion Carrie Prejean went on Larry King Live last night to promote her new book “Still Standing” and ended up storming off the set when he pressed her about the reason behind her settlement with Pageant officials (that would be the sex tape they screened in front of her mom at mediation, remember?) Only by “storming off,” I mean “grappling with her mic like a retard at a shoe-tying contest and then sitting there with a stupid shit-eating grin on her face for a whole goddamn minute after she finally gets it off.” Yeah, take that, old guy! Gawker says

Larry King broaches the subject of the lawsuit Carrie settled with Miss California USA [because they were in possession of her sex tape]. Then, Carrie complains that King is “being inappropriate,” and after a full minute of wrangling, she removes her microphone and announces she is leaving—only to end up sitting there for another minute, playing the “I ca-a-an’t he-e-ear y-o-o-ou” game until Larry cuts to commercial.

God love her, this girl needs a gay man in her life. She needs like six of them. Now those bastards know how to make an exit. You break something, you throw something, you speak in a voice 20 decibels louder and three octaves higher, and you finishing by throwing what’s left of your appletini in your lover’s face while snapping your fingers and bobbing your head like it was mounted on a fucking spring-loader. Carrie Prejean: FAIL.

In response to the snippet of the Larry King interview that aired yesterday in which he claimed not to remember hitting Rihanna, Chris Brown is now on the offensive (pun intended!) and claiming CNN purposefully edited his responses to make him look bad. He said in a personal statement

“There have been reports on the Internet that I didn’t remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight.

That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like 4 or 5 times.

The first four times I gave the same answer — which was that I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, “Do you remember doing it?” and I said, “No.”

Of course I remember what happened. But it was and still is a blur. I still can’t believe it happened because it is not me or who I am.”

I don’t know why CNN would give the impression that he didn’t remember the hitting her. Except, you know, that he said that. I also don’t know why they would imply that he was wearing a faggoty-ass sweater and bow tie that made him look like Carlton fucking Banks. Except, you know, that’s what he was wearing. All I know is that CNN better start getting their facts straight before they go skewing a story to make a guy look bad. Chris Brown ain’t exactly afraid to hit a bitch, you know.