Wondering where all the cool kids went this weekend? If you thought, “somewhere in Vegas with Jon Gosselin and his mom,” you’d be right. Play on, playa! People Magazine says

Though the outside temperature topped out at around 115 degrees, Jon Gosselin may have been this weekend’s hottest thing in Vegas. With his mother and four friends in tow, the father of eight hosted a much-hyped pool party Saturday.

Moments after walking into his private cabana at MGM Grand’s Wet Republic, several females from the adjacent VIP area approached. It wasn’t long before he was surrounded by women.

Gosselin, sporting shorts and a collared shirt, was spotted collecting a few phone numbers and mixing drinks for scantily dressed women.

Ugh. It’s like the two dudes from The Roxbury and Dane Cook made a douche baby and then tried to kill it by chucking it down a sewer hole, only it somehow survived. Think “Oswald Cobblepot,” but wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt and enough Axe Body Spray to burn the eyebrows clean off your face from a distance of thirty paces.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin, Splash News

I’m not really sure what the hell’s going on in these pictures, aside from the obvious and terrifying figurine fetishism.  I suppose it’s probably just some dumb stunt to promote Holly Madison’s involvement in “Peepshow”, which is about Vegas sluts or something like that.  It might actually be a burlesque show.  I have no idea, because I don’t care.  Whatever — look, I get the connection between quickie nuptials and Vegas, but what the shit does the Travelocity gnome have to do with naked ladies?  Who knew that little troll was such a player?

Anyway, if for some inexplicable reason you’re really interested in the goings-on of Hugh Hefner’s castoffs, there’s an article about this nonsense in the Las Vegas Sun.  I didn’t read it, because words are hard and readin’s for nerds.  This ass ain’t paid to think, you know?

I had to Google Holly Madison to remind me who she is, but I guess it doesn’t really matter since all she’s here for is so you can stare at her boobs. But here she is at TAO Beach at the Venetian in Las Vegas yesterday, posing with balls. I like that she’s trying to use a cross to purify her nether regions, but I’m afraid that after having Hugh Hefner stuff his softie in there, no amount of holy water, relics or a can of Raid is gonna wipe that slate clean. Nice try, though.

Singer Toni Braxton was admitted to St. Rose Dominican Hospital after her show at the Las Vegas Flamingo Hotel and Casino Tuesday night. TMZ reports

A spokesperson for the Flamingo [said] that Toni had been experiencing chest pains and was taken to [the] hospital for tests. She’s since been released. Braxton suffers from pericarditis, an inflammation of the sac surrounding the heart.

I’m pretty sure the term “sac around the heart” is just a nicer way of saying “undescended testicles,” so it’s clearly way more serious than they made it out to be. Not only is Toni now technically a hermaphrodite, she’s a hermaphrodite with a case of internal scrotal swelling. Barring a cold pool or a couple of well-timed swings with a croquet mallet, the scrotum typically maintains a uniform size,¹ so I’m guessing an inflamed prostate could be the culprit. Or according to my medieval barber correspondence course, possibly an imbalance of bodily humors caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach. Nothing a poultice of powder of staghorn, gum of arabic and sheep’s urine applied on a vernal equinox can’t fix!

¹_{Noted exception: Cisco Adler}