Scarlett Johansson was on “The Late Show with David Letterman” the night before last, and while her teeth looked plenty gross at the premiere of “We Bought a Zoo,” they looked even more disgusting with all the lipstick that was smeared all over them throughout the entire interview. She looks like somebody’s effing grandma. All she’s missing is some creamed corn on her floral print blouse and the faint scent of Bengay and baby powder.

Eva Longoria went on Letterman last night wearing the latest from Antoine Merriweather’s formal wear line to promote her new cookbook that no one will ever buy, but before you interrupt with “BORING!” and “zzzzzzzz,” you should know that halfway through the interview, her jacket button pops open and she flashes the audience. Except not really. Instead she’s just sitting there and suddenly squeals, “Ooh, my button!” and makes a big show of grabbing at her non-existent tits and clutching her jacket together to cover herself, even though nobody, including Letterman, can see anything. So basically, it’s just her shamelessly fishing for media coverage this morning with a fake nipslip, which of course now she gets because I’m a slave to pageviews. If you want to thank anybody, thank yourselves, “Natalie Portman anus” and “Demi Moore bush” googlers. Don’t pretend like you don’t know who you are.

Twilight actress (I say that tongue-in-cheek) Kristen Stewart showed up to the Late Show with David Letterman with her signature goth girl mane a new shade of strawberry blond for her role in the big screen adaptation of Jack Kerouac’s “On The Road.” There is literally nothing I could care less about than the color of Kristen Stewart’s hair, not even the mating habits of the corn earworm or the economic aftermath that resulted from the USSR’s forcible annexation of Estonia in 1940. Mostly because I don’t have glandular issues or a fully-intact hymen.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

After skewering himself in the monologue (video below), David Letterman publicly apologized to both his wife and his staff (video above) for his involvement in a Late Show sex scandal. He said (via Radar Online):

“I’m terribly sorry that I put the staff in that position. Inadvertently, I just wasn’t thinking ahead. And, moreover, the staff here has been wonderfully supportive to me, not just through this furor, but through all the years that we’ve been on television and especially all the years here at CBS, so, again, my thanks to the staff for, once again, putting up with something stupid I’ve gotten myself involved in.

Now the other thing is my wife, Regina. She has been horribly hurt by my behavior, and when something happens like that, if you hurt a person and it’s your responsibility, you try to fix it. And at that point, there’s only two things that can happen: either you’re going to make some progress and get it fixed, or you’re going to fall short and perhaps not get it fixed, so let me tell you folks, I got my work cut out for me.”

That’s nice and all, but I would still like to point out that Letterman has yet to apologize to you and me for constantly subjecting us to the mental image of his soggy sixty-year-old-man balls in action. I know my mind’s eye can’t even begin the healing process without first getting a proper apology.

Opening monologue:

Meet “Late Show” assistant Stephanie Birkitt — the woman unknowingly at the center of the extortion case against David Letterman and the former girlfriend of “48 Hours” Robert “Joe” Halderman, the man accused of doing the actual blackmailing. Confused? Good. Radar Online says

Stephanie Birkitt met Halderman at CBS about 15 years ago. At the time, Halderman was in one of his two past marriages, and Halderman did not have a relationship with Birkitt.

Birkitt later got a job on Letterman’s show and has worked there for more than a decade, often appearing on air.

Our source [say] that Birkitt and Letterman slept together for a period of time before he married his girlfriend Regina had their son Harry. After Halderman divorced, the source says he got involved with Stephanie and she lived with him in Connecticut.

The source says Birkitt told Halderman that she had had sex with Letterman.

So it seems that while they were living together (and without her consent), Halderman went through Birkitt’s personal effects for proof of hers and Letterman’s affair to use to blackmail the talk show host, including

Copies of parts of a diary and correspondence belonging to Birkitt, [along with] documents, letters, emails and photos.

Jesus, I didn’t know anyone other than 8th grade girls kept actual diaries. What a stupid idea. I guess you never know when all your puffy hearts and triple-underlined “Mrs. Stephanie Lettermans” will come back to bite you in the ass.

Olivia Wilde arriving to The Late Show:

Everybody assumes I’m a Republican — mostly because I’m a blathering idiot and I own a shotgun — but for the record, I’m a Libertarian. A constitution-enthusiast, if you will. So that whole “you can’t provide for yourselves without handouts from the government” shit doesn’t really fly with me, but God knows Hollywood loves it. They love it so much that President Barack Obama went on “The Late Show” with David Letterman last night to pander to the masses and stoke the flames of the Amercian sense of entitlement. But there’s really no sense in actually watching the clip yourself. Give it another year or two and the government will be watching it for you and then taxing you for using the bandwidth. Hooray for “change!”

Meet the new boss same as the old boss after the jump

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