Remember when Perez Hilton got punched right in his big fat puss at the Much Music Awards earlier this week? Remember how he called Will. I. Am “faggot” and “motherfucking liar” and swore up and down that it was Will. I. Am who assaulted him? Yeah, not so much. Turns out the man who struck Perez was Will. I. Am’s road manager Polo Molina, and now Perez is filing a civil lawsuit against him. TMZ says

Hilton is suing Polo Molina for battery and an intentional infliction of emotional distress. The suit wants payback in excess of $25,000.

Hilton’s attorney released the following statement:

“Perez Hilton files this lawsuit to protect his freedom of speech and seeks legal redress against those who have physically assaulted him because they do not like his review of their album. Whether you love Perez or hate him, he is entitled to his freedom of speech without fear of physical violence. This lawsuit will make the statement that violence is never the answer.”

And now, Perez is apologizing — not to the man he wrongly accused of assault; not to the woman he called a “fugly bitch” and on whom he routinely draws wieners; not to GLAAAD for his using of a homophobic slur; not to Isaiah Washington for publicly campaigning for his termination from “Grey’s Anatomy” for having said the word “faggot;” and not to Jesse Metcalfe for writing that Metcalfe deserved the beating he got outside a Hollywood night club last year — but to himself, for being such a poor helpless victim. He writes on his site:

I am speaking out because I realize that the last few days have been more hurtful to me - and many others - than the repeated blows I suffered to my head in Toronto this past weekend.

I am sorry that any good work I have done for promoting equality may be tainted by me reclaiming a hurtful word - that’s been personally used against me and the gay community - to hurt someone that was verbally attacking me. It was stupid.

The “F” word will never be uttered from my lips again. I challenge [others] to remove it from their vocabulary as well.

I should have been the bigger man and walked away from an unfortunate situation. Instead, I chose… to stand up for myself and only made things worse by how I - under pressure, anger and extreme emotion - handled the situation.

I am NOT apologizing to GLAAD. I could care less about them, my former employers.

I am apologizing to the gay community and to all the people who have ever emailed me to thank me for all that I have done to fight for gay rights over the last few years.

I will be donating any money collected from my lawsuit against Polo Molina, road manager for the Black Eyed Peas, to the Matthew Shepard Foundation.

And I will continue to speak out for equality and support the great work done by LGBT organizations, such as LAMBDA Legal and HRC.

Sincerely,
Perez

I really think the cab driver in “Old School” said it best: “I recommend you stop being such a faggot.” It’s the very same advice I gave my kid when I dropped him off at summer camp.

Worldwide Entertainment Group Inc. has filed a $75,000 lawsuit against Paris Hilton for not fulfilling her promotional obligations for 2004’s flaming turd “National Lampoon’s Pledge This!” According to the Associated Press

Hilton entered into an agreement in 2004 for the production and distribution of the movie, starred in the film and received credit as an executive producer.

The Miami-based [production company] said it paid Hilton and Paris Hilton Entertainment Inc. $1 million for her “acting services” and for “reasonable promotion and publicity” for the movie.

I’m supposing the “reasonable promotion” including stocking bar room crappers with the official movie poster and copies of the unrated DVD. You know, so patrons would have something to steady that wobbly bar stool or wipe their ass with after a case of the beer shits.

Paris at the Playboy Mansion Pajama Party this weekend:

Tiny actor Verne Troyer is suing his ex-girlfriend and sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider for allegedly beating his ass throughout the course of their relationship. TMZ reports

In the lawsuit, Troyer is accusing Shrider of intentional infliction of emotional distress and battery. Verne’s lawyer [says], “When you pick up a 2′8″ human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts.” Troyer says [Shrider] terrorized him, once picked the lock to his bedroom door, pushing away a 100 pound scooter that was used to block the door, and then [threw] him to the floor.”

This sounds like something you might pay to see after taking in a donkey show and two liters of Dos Equis while on Spring Break in Tijuana. Full-contact midget wrestling followed by tongue-sucking midget porn. Gross. I don’t know whether I want to laugh or throw up. Or throw up while I’m laughing, which is really a lot harder than it sounds. Fortunately, I had plenty of practice on my wedding night.

All is not well in Tom Cruise-ville.

First, former member Peter Letterese filed suit against the Church of Scientology in Florida earlier this month, calling the church a “crime syndicate” and fingering Tom Cruise for his “foreign and domestic lobbying” on behalf of the religion. According to Rush and Molloy

He singles out Cruise, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is “aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

Letterese calls the church a “crime syndicate” and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

On top of all that, wife Katie Holmes has finally put her foot down and demanded that he kick his mother, his sister, and his sister’s two sons out of their home. In Touch Weekly says

When Katie and Tom recently moved into a $35 million home in Beverly Hills, Katie put her foot down and insisted that everyone — other than Suri and Tom’s two children with Nicole Kidman, Isabella, 15, and Connor, 13 — find another place to live. “It’s about time for Tom and Katie to live alone,” another pal adds. “They never have before.”

With Momsy finally out of the house, Tom won’t have any excuses for not doing the whole penis-in-vagina thing. Before, he could blame his avoidance on the threat of Grandma Cruise popping in to have her eye ointment applied or her bottom wiped. Now it’s just him, Katie, and a wiener with nowhere to go.

Katie Tom Katie out and about July 24th:

A fan is suing “rocker” Pete Wentz for allegedly kicking his ass at Fall Out Boy show last year. That would be Pete Wentz. Of Fall Out Boy. Ahem. The one in the eyeliner about to lock lips with another man in the above picture. TMZ says

According to the lawsuit, Andy Kallas claims he was watching the boys perform at Schuba’s Tavern in Chicago when Wentz and his [bodyguards] beat him to a pulp for several minutes. Kallas claims he suffered “serious injuries to his head, mouth and face.”

Kallas is suing both Wentz and the club for an unspecified amount in damages.

How does something like this happen? It doesn’t make any sense. I’d put my money on a blind kittycat on stilts before I’d bet on Pete Wentz to win a fight. Unless the fight was some kind of emotive poetry-off or a competition for World’s Biggest Vagina. Then all the chips would be on ol’ Petey.

At the airport with Ashlee Simpson April 18th:

The Church of Scientology is going on the legal offensive after video of Tom Cruise ranting about saving the world through Scientology made its way online, claiming the footage was stolen from their website and threatening to sue anybody who posts it (see the letter they sent Gawker Media after the jump). I personally give it about two hours before they pull the above footage of him talking to and saluting L. Ron Hubbard’s portrait, because this new footage sure isn’t going to help Tommy in his attempts to resurrect what’s left of his career and marketability. The Daily Mail says

[Cruise] has had trouble sleeping and been tearful at times [because he] is entrenched in a crisis… spearheaded by this week’s leaked internet video, on top of the stress caused by the publication of a scandal-drenched biography and his continually misfiring career.

But it is perhaps even harder for him to live down the humiliation of being dumped from a producing deal with Paramount by media mogul Sumner Redstone - because women, including Redstone’s wife, Paula, found him creepy. “He turned off all women and a lot of men,” Redstone said. “Paula and women everywhere had come to hate him.”

If I understand this correctly — and I’m pretty sure I do — you could have a Nazi Klansman child pornographer and Tom Cruise vying for the same role in a movie and there’s 99% chance that the studio would go with the Jew-hating pedophile in Grand Wizard costume. I mean, you can at least relate to that kind of crazy. It’s been around for a couple thousand years. But volcanoes full of hydrogen bombs and operating thetans and past lives and secret levels, well, that doesn’t make any goddamned sense. I’m pretty sure that’s why they invented electroshock therapy and straight jackets in the first place.

Katie arriving at The Late Show With David Letterman, plus some vintage crazy Tom Cruise and after the jump:

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