Worldwide Entertainment Group Inc. has filed a $75,000 lawsuit against Paris Hilton for not fulfilling her promotional obligations for 2004’s flaming turd “National Lampoon’s Pledge This!” According to the Associated Press

Hilton entered into an agreement in 2004 for the production and distribution of the movie, starred in the film and received credit as an executive producer.

The Miami-based [production company] said it paid Hilton and Paris Hilton Entertainment Inc. $1 million for her “acting services” and for “reasonable promotion and publicity” for the movie.

I’m supposing the “reasonable promotion” including stocking bar room crappers with the official movie poster and copies of the unrated DVD. You know, so patrons would have something to steady that wobbly bar stool or wipe their ass with after a case of the beer shits.

Paris at the Playboy Mansion Pajama Party this weekend:

Tiny actor Verne Troyer is suing his ex-girlfriend and sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider for allegedly beating his ass throughout the course of their relationship. TMZ reports

In the lawsuit, Troyer is accusing Shrider of intentional infliction of emotional distress and battery. Verne’s lawyer [says], “When you pick up a 2′8″ human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts.” Troyer says [Shrider] terrorized him, once picked the lock to his bedroom door, pushing away a 100 pound scooter that was used to block the door, and then [threw] him to the floor.”

This sounds like something you might pay to see after taking in a donkey show and two liters of Dos Equis while on Spring Break in Tijuana. Full-contact midget wrestling followed by tongue-sucking midget porn. Gross. I don’t know whether I want to laugh or throw up. Or throw up while I’m laughing, which is really a lot harder than it sounds. Fortunately, I had plenty of practice on my wedding night.

All is not well in Tom Cruise-ville.

First, former member Peter Letterese filed suit against the Church of Scientology in Florida earlier this month, calling the church a “crime syndicate” and fingering Tom Cruise for his “foreign and domestic lobbying” on behalf of the religion. According to Rush and Molloy

He singles out Cruise, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is “aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

Letterese calls the church a “crime syndicate” and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

On top of all that, wife Katie Holmes has finally put her foot down and demanded that he kick his mother, his sister, and his sister’s two sons out of their home. In Touch Weekly says

When Katie and Tom recently moved into a $35 million home in Beverly Hills, Katie put her foot down and insisted that everyone — other than Suri and Tom’s two children with Nicole Kidman, Isabella, 15, and Connor, 13 — find another place to live. “It’s about time for Tom and Katie to live alone,” another pal adds. “They never have before.”

With Momsy finally out of the house, Tom won’t have any excuses for not doing the whole penis-in-vagina thing. Before, he could blame his avoidance on the threat of Grandma Cruise popping in to have her eye ointment applied or her bottom wiped. Now it’s just him, Katie, and a wiener with nowhere to go.

Katie Tom Katie out and about July 24th:

A fan is suing “rocker” Pete Wentz for allegedly kicking his ass at Fall Out Boy show last year. That would be Pete Wentz. Of Fall Out Boy. Ahem. The one in the eyeliner about to lock lips with another man in the above picture. TMZ says

According to the lawsuit, Andy Kallas claims he was watching the boys perform at Schuba’s Tavern in Chicago when Wentz and his [bodyguards] beat him to a pulp for several minutes. Kallas claims he suffered “serious injuries to his head, mouth and face.”

Kallas is suing both Wentz and the club for an unspecified amount in damages.

How does something like this happen? It doesn’t make any sense. I’d put my money on a blind kittycat on stilts before I’d bet on Pete Wentz to win a fight. Unless the fight was some kind of emotive poetry-off or a competition for World’s Biggest Vagina. Then all the chips would be on ol’ Petey.

At the airport with Ashlee Simpson April 18th:

The Church of Scientology is going on the legal offensive after video of Tom Cruise ranting about saving the world through Scientology made its way online, claiming the footage was stolen from their website and threatening to sue anybody who posts it (see the letter they sent Gawker Media after the jump). I personally give it about two hours before they pull the above footage of him talking to and saluting L. Ron Hubbard’s portrait, because this new footage sure isn’t going to help Tommy in his attempts to resurrect what’s left of his career and marketability. The Daily Mail says

[Cruise] has had trouble sleeping and been tearful at times [because he] is entrenched in a crisis… spearheaded by this week’s leaked internet video, on top of the stress caused by the publication of a scandal-drenched biography and his continually misfiring career.

But it is perhaps even harder for him to live down the humiliation of being dumped from a producing deal with Paramount by media mogul Sumner Redstone - because women, including Redstone’s wife, Paula, found him creepy. “He turned off all women and a lot of men,” Redstone said. “Paula and women everywhere had come to hate him.”

If I understand this correctly — and I’m pretty sure I do — you could have a Nazi Klansman child pornographer and Tom Cruise vying for the same role in a movie and there’s 99% chance that the studio would go with the Jew-hating pedophile in Grand Wizard costume. I mean, you can at least relate to that kind of crazy. It’s been around for a couple thousand years. But volcanoes full of hydrogen bombs and operating thetans and past lives and secret levels, well, that doesn’t make any goddamned sense. I’m pretty sure that’s why they invented electroshock therapy and straight jackets in the first place.

Katie arriving at The Late Show With David Letterman, plus some vintage crazy Tom Cruise and after the jump:

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