Former Miss California and heterosexual marriage champion Carrie Prejean went on Larry King Live last night to promote her new book “Still Standing” and ended up storming off the set when he pressed her about the reason behind her settlement with Pageant officials (that would be the sex tape they screened in front of her mom at mediation, remember?) Only by “storming off,” I mean “grappling with her mic like a retard at a shoe-tying contest and then sitting there with a stupid shit-eating grin on her face for a whole goddamn minute after she finally gets it off.” Yeah, take that, old guy! Gawker says

Larry King broaches the subject of the lawsuit Carrie settled with Miss California USA [because they were in possession of her sex tape]. Then, Carrie complains that King is “being inappropriate,” and after a full minute of wrangling, she removes her microphone and announces she is leaving—only to end up sitting there for another minute, playing the “I ca-a-an’t he-e-ear y-o-o-ou” game until Larry cuts to commercial.

God love her, this girl needs a gay man in her life. She needs like six of them. Now those bastards know how to make an exit. You break something, you throw something, you speak in a voice 20 decibels louder and three octaves higher, and you finishing by throwing what’s left of your appletini in your lover’s face while snapping your fingers and bobbing your head like it was mounted on a fucking spring-loader. Carrie Prejean: FAIL.

Miss California Carrie Prejean was demanding over a million dollars in compensatory damages from pageant officials in a lawsuit last month — that is, until Pageant attorneys showed Carrie they were in possession of her sex tape. According to TMZ

The video the lawyer showed Carrie is extremely graphic and has never been released publicly. We know that, because TMZ obtained the video months ago but decided not to post it because it was so racy. Let’s just say, Carrie has a promising solo career.

We’re told it took about 15 seconds for Carrie to jettison her demand and essentially walk away. She pocketed nothing in the settlement.

So when it happens to David Letterman, it’s extortion that merits FBI intervention and jail time. When Carrie Prejean is blackmailed out of a million-dollar settlement with a sex tape, it’s just “legal negotiations.” I see. I’ll have to remember that when I show that girl from HR the secret camera-phone footage I took of her on the crapper last week.

Annoyingly censored topless pics before she got the fake titties:

You better not ever, ever make fun of Kate Winslet, or she’ll go and sue you for forty grand and somehow win. The technical legal term for said phenomenon is “crybaby puss.” According to Us Magazine

On Tuesday London’s High Court awarded the actress 25,000 British pounds (about $40,000 in American currency) in libel damages from the Daily Mail [for their] January article entitled “Should Kate Winslet win an Oscar for the world’s most irritating actress?” which she said “hurt and embarrassed” her. [The article also] claimed that Winslet, 34, lied about her exercise routine.

In a statement, Winslet said, “I was particularly upset to be accused of lying about my exercise regime and felt that I had a responsibility to request an apology in order to demonstrate my commitment to the views that I have always expressed about body issues, including diet and exercise. To suggest that I was lying was an unacceptable accusation of hypocrisy.”

Back in grade school, we had the remedy for this sort of tattletale-type behavior. It was called “the purple nurple” and “the swirly.” Too bad she’s no longer bound by the rules of afternoon recess.

Kelly Brook topless in her debut performance in “Calendar Girls,” because we’ve already seen (NSFW) Kate Winslet’s tits, and frankly, (NSFW) they’re disgusting:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

A blogger is claiming that Oprah Winfrey pirated some of his poetry and used it in her internet-published work “Pieces of My Soul,” and now he wants recompense — to the tune of one TRILLION dollars! The National Enquirer says

In an intellectual property case filed July 31 with the US District Court in Washington, D.C. author Damon Lloyd Goffe of the Bronx, New York is suing the talk show titan and her production company Harpo, Inc for damages he claims to be worth $1 trillion.

In the legal papers, Goffe says that “in April 2008 Oprah confessed to seizing original works of authorship” and published on the internet the first draft of his work ” A Tome of Poetry” under another title “Pieces of My Soul.”

The suit also alleges Oprah sold over 650 million editions of the work online
for $20 a copy which “calculates for 1.2 trillion dollars.”

Then Damon went on to say, “The details of my life until this point are quite inconsequential… My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner and my mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking. I highly suggest you try it” and then went back to stroking his hairless cat from an underground volcano lair.

PHOTO CREDIT: thestar.com

The nutjob lady pictured above (the mannish looking one on the left) is trying to extort $10.8 million in support payments from Keanu Reeves for her four children, all of whom are adults.  From The Toronto Star:

A Barrie woman has filed a request to an Ontario court to compel actor Keanu Reeves to provide a DNA sample as part of a bid to get support for herself and her four children.

Karen Sala, 46, who is acting as her own lawyer, filed notice on Monday in the Superior Court of Justice family branch. Legal papers were served on Reeves’ business manager in Los Angeles two days ago. The first court date for the case is July 6 in Barrie.

A spokesperson for the actor said Reeves denies even knowing Sala and strongly rejects her claims. None of the allegations have been proven in court.

Sala said she has tried “privately” over the years to persuade Reeves to provide support.

In addition to the DNA test, Sala is seeking child support of $150,000 per month, retroactive to June 1988, as well as $3 million per month in spousal support retroactive to November 2006.

A Los Angeles spokesperson for Reeves issued a statement last night denying her allegations.

“Karen Sala’s allegations are completely false and absurd. Mr. Reeves has no knowledge of who she is,” Cheryl Maisel said in a statement.

Paul Knell, Reeves’ Los Angeles business manager, questioned Sala’s motives, noting that all four children are now adults.

“Before you disparage my client and lend validity to this, there’s clearly something wrong with someone who claims child support after all the kids have grown. I’m just pointing that out,” Knell said.

Keep in mind that this lady’s four children range in age from 20 to 25 years old.  I bet you’re thinking, “Gosh, that all sounds pretty fucking crazy.”  Well hang on a second, because this lady’s bucket of crazy is still at least half full:

Sala is the first to admit that she’s no angel, claiming that she and Reeves had a sexual relationship before and during her stormy marriage. She also acknowledged she is not sure which, if any, of her children he has sired.

But Sala insisted that Reeves was aware that he might be the father of some or all of her children, noting that at least one of them bears a resemblance to him.

Sala said she has a picture of Reeves when he was a teenager – though she was unable to produce it yesterday – and that she is hoping to get a photo from a friend of the two of them together more than 20 years ago.

Sala has what she describes as a sample of his handwriting, and said she has Reeves’ phone number and current address in Los Angeles.

Um… yeah, okay.  I don’t even really know where to start with this.  She might have a picture of them together two decades ago and she has some handwritten scrap of paper, and for that shit she wants nearly 11 million goddamn dollars?

Listen, I not only own both of the Bill & Ted movies on DVD, but I also have an old Ken doll with the head ripped off and I can totally draw a picture of some stick figure babies.  Based on this crazy bitch’s calculation system, I am probably owed upwards of 15 million dollars.  It’d be Canadian money though, so it’d come out to about $19.98 or something.  Hardly seems worth the trouble.

Victoria Principal, the woman who played Pamela Ewing on the hit TV show Dallas, is being sued for assault, false imprisonment and emotional distress by her former maid, Maribel Banegas. TMZ says

Banegas claims she had taken the dog for a walk — when she returned home to an enraged Victoria who couldn’t understand why it took so long.

Banegas explained the dog wouldn’t poop, but Victoria wasn’t [satisfied]… and fired Maribel on the spot. Maribel asked for her final check and Victoria went upstairs, allegedly only to come down with a gun, “which she then pointed and aimed” at the maid.

Victoria “verbally threatened to kill plaintiff”… and asked another housekeeper who was present “to stand aside in order that she could kill the plaintiff.”

Expect Victoria to countersue when it’s revealed next season that the whole maid incident, like Bobby Ewing’s death, had just been a dream.

UPDATE: TMZ is saying that Victoria Principal has filed a counter lawsuit, admitting she did pull a gun on her former maid, but only after the maid flew into a rage and “struck and injured another maid in the house, [kidnapped] Victoria’s small dog and [demanded] money.” I can’t prove it, but if there’s anything countless hours of daytime television have taught me, it’s that Stefano DiMera is probably behind it. And also that I might have an evil twin intent on stealing my baby and raising it as her own. It happens more often than you would think.

Victoria’s Secret models Miranda Kerr and Bar Rafaeli at the Costume Institute Gala because they’re not old and disgusting:

George Clooney is coming to the legal defense of Cindy Crawford’s husband’s Rande Gerber, who is currently embroiled in a sexual assault lawsuit filed by a pair of former waitresses who claim they were 86ed from his restaurant after refusing his sexual advances. According to Us Weekly

While working at [Gerber's] Moonstone Lounge in San Diego, one of the women claims the supermodel’s husband attempted to kiss her three times during the night, then “put his hand up [her] dress in between her legs in an attempt to fondle her crotch.”

“I was with Rande the entire night — as were a lot of people,” [Clooney] said in a statement Monday. “They will all say the same thing that I’m saying. This event never happened. Period.”

A Gerber Group spokesperson [said] “Mr. Gerber and Mr. Clooney will take lie detector tests to prove that the allegations against Mr. Gerber are false.”

That Gerber fellow better pray that his judge is a woman, because everybody knows that no female mortal can resist the mischievous grin and smoldering eyes of the Silver-Haired Rake. His mere presence makes bras spontaneously unhook themselves and panties disappear into thin air. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up on the floor of a Toledo airport bar bathroom without any underpants to speak of. It’s just a shame that I always somehow manage to miss actually seeing him when he’s there.

Wife Cindy looking gorgeous at the Costume Gala Institute last night:

Jesus Christ, I am so sick of this stupid fucking picture.  If Miley Cyrus could just do me a gigantic favour and get hit by a bus or something, that’d be great.

In the meantime, Miley’s racist hillbilly ass is getting sued over this picture.  For $4 BILLION DOLLARS.  From TMZ:

A Los Angeles woman has filed a class action suit against Miley Cyrus, claiming she mocked Asians in a recent photo by slanting her eyes. Price tag: $4 billion.

Lucie J. Kim claims to represent more than 1 million Asian Pacific Islanders who live in L.A. County. Kim claims when Cyrus posed for the photo, she “knew or should have known that her image would be publicly disseminated via the media, which Cyrus knew focused on her private life, specifically TMZ.”

Kim says in the suit, filed Wednesday in L.A. County Superior Court, that each Asian Pacific Islander is entitled to the minimum damages for a civil rights violation — $4,000. Add it up — $4 billion.

Hahahaha!  Four billion fucking dollars!  I hope this lady wins, and I hope Miley and her whole retarded family get cleaned out for every penny they’ve got, and I hope it somehow turns out that every jackhole who ever paid money for anything having to do with this dumb bitch is left liable for their fair portion of the remaining debt.

Everyone’s favourite peg-legged shrew, Heather Mills, is getting her golddigging ass sued by her former nanny, Sara Trumble, for “sex discrimination and intimidation.”  From the Daily Mail:

Sara Trumble claims she was given duties way beyond her role as childminder to five-year-old Beatrice, Miss Mills’s daughter by Sir Paul McCartney.

She has complained she was asked to give Miss Mills naked spray tans, come to work at 7.30am to blow dry her hair, and work as late as midnight.

The nanny however, lodged a constructive dismissal claim with an employment tribunal in Ashford, Kent, last week.

The two sides now have 28 days to try to reach an agreement  -  and if they fail they will have to air their differences in court.

The last time Miss Mills was involved in a court case, during her divorce from Sir Paul, she poured a jug of water over the head of his divorce lawyer, Fiona Shackleton.

Miss Mills, worth £24million after her divorce, has rejected an offer to pay an out-of-court settlement to Miss Trumble.

If that’s not a full enough bucket of crazy for you, then feast on this, gluttons:

In a new development, a two minute YouTube video, entitled Sara Trumble: My true story was posted on the website last night featuring Miss Trumble praising Miss Mills and her parenting skills.

Although the initial seconds of the video feature Miss Trumble speaking over footage over the news story of her recent allegations, she does not address them directly.

In the video, Miss Trumble said: ‘It drives me mad the stories that come out and they’re all lies. So many lies. You just want to shout and scream at the press and tell them that it’s just rubbish.’

A friend of Miss Trumble claims the footage was shot months ago and she is furious over the way she has been portrayed.

A close pal said: ‘Sara is absolutely fuming about that video, but it’s just the sort of stunt her ladyship pulls.

‘All Heather’s staff are ordered to film a 15-minute interview when they join, saying what a wonderful woman she is and how evil the newspapers are.

‘She has chosen a few seconds of footage from Sara’s interview and stuck them together with pictures of the story about her court case, to make it look like she’s being interviewed today.’

Heather Mills is a straight-up lunatic, so it is my fervent wish that this shit goes to court and plays out like a subplot from an 80s prime time soap.  I just hope like hell she wears this suit again:

It’s just like the uniform of a campus security guard at Clown College!

Uma Thurman, the face of Lancome’s fragrance “Miracle” from 2000 to 2005, is suing the cosmetics giant for millions of dollars for unauthorized use of her image. Lancome, in turn, is suing her right back, but not for being such a fish-eyed uggo who tricked them into hiring her in the first place. According to NY Daily News

[Uma] claims the company is using her old Lancome ads on Asian web sites and a Canadian billboard without permission.The company says… it never “knowingly or intentionally” used Thurman’s image, and that the Web pages were “inadvertently archived” and never meant to be publicly available.

The suit seeks to have a court resolve the dispute by declaring that Lancome did not violate Thurman’s contract and that she is not entitled to the money her lawyer has demanded.

Looks like somebody spent a lot of free time googling themselves lately. Hmm, Uma? Let’s look at the facts here. One: a Canadian billboard. Come on. Who even goes to Canada excepts Canadians and American Black Bears looking for a change of scenery? Number two: Asian website. The fact of the matter is 98% of all traffic on Asian Lancome websites ended up there by mistake while looking for naked underage Asian girls. The other two percent: Uma Thurman. Sorry, but you can’t argue with math, people. That’s why they use numbers in breathalyzers.

The stunning beauty on the set of “Motherhood” in New York yesterday:

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s overpriced hooker Ashely Dupré filed a law suit against Joe Francis and Girls Gone Wild yesterday seeking $10 million in damages for misuse of her name and image for profit. Apparently “misuse of tits and lesbian shower scenes” holds no legal bearing in court. Joe Francis issued the following statement to Us Weekly:

“It is incomprehensible that Ms. Dupré could claim she did not give her consent to be filmed by Girls Gone Wild, when in fact we have videotape of her giving consent, while showing her identification. She’s seeking $10 Million for topless photos taken in front of a room full of people, including two newspapers and multiple crews we had in the room. These images were taken in public places and contain no sexual contact.”

That’s why Kurt Vonnegut once said “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” Also “Quit being such a goddamn slutty whore.” That last one was my mom, but I think it still applies.

Actor Nicolas Cage has won his libel suit against former co-star Kathleen Turner for her autobiographical claims that he used to be a drunken dog-napper. Both Kathleen’s publishers and The Daily Mail — who featured an excerpt from her book “Send Yourself Roses” in their tabloid publication — apologized and admitted the allegations were just the delusions of a crazy old bird who can’t remember what’s real and what isn’t. Reuters reports

Turner stated that Cage was “arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, for stealing a dog [while we were filmng "Peggy Sue Got Married"]. He’d come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket.”

Turner and the two publishing groups accepted that the allegations were untrue and [agreed to] pay the 44-year-old Cage’s legal costs and make a “substantial” donation to charity.

This is why you can’t trust old people. They’re always forgetting stuff and then making stuff up when they can’t remember what it is they were supposed to be doing to begin with. Like this time my uncle flagged down a senior citizen driving the wrong way down the interstate. All the old bastard had to say for himself was — and I quote — “Well, the sheriff said I take my eggs medium and I don’t expect no colored folk to clean my wagon if you aren’t.” True fucking story. So my uncle zapped him with a taser¹ and stole his car. Some people are just born heroes.

¹_{EDITOR’S NOTE: 50,000+ volts not recommended for old people with pacemakers, unless you are CPR certified or are already facing murder charges.}

Kathleen hawking her never-really-happened: