Uma Thurman, the face of Lancome’s fragrance “Miracle” from 2000 to 2005, is suing the cosmetics giant for millions of dollars for unauthorized use of her image. Lancome, in turn, is suing her right back, but not for being such a fish-eyed uggo who tricked them into hiring her in the first place. According to NY Daily News

[Uma] claims the company is using her old Lancome ads on Asian web sites and a Canadian billboard without permission.The company says… it never “knowingly or intentionally” used Thurman’s image, and that the Web pages were “inadvertently archived” and never meant to be publicly available.

The suit seeks to have a court resolve the dispute by declaring that Lancome did not violate Thurman’s contract and that she is not entitled to the money her lawyer has demanded.

Looks like somebody spent a lot of free time googling themselves lately. Hmm, Uma? Let’s look at the facts here. One: a Canadian billboard. Come on. Who even goes to Canada excepts Canadians and American Black Bears looking for a change of scenery? Number two: Asian website. The fact of the matter is 98% of all traffic on Asian Lancome websites ended up there by mistake while looking for naked underage Asian girls. The other two percent: Uma Thurman. Sorry, but you can’t argue with math, people. That’s why they use numbers in breathalyzers.

The stunning beauty on the set of “Motherhood” in New York yesterday:

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s overpriced hooker Ashely Dupré filed a law suit against Joe Francis and Girls Gone Wild yesterday seeking $10 million in damages for misuse of her name and image for profit. Apparently “misuse of tits and lesbian shower scenes” holds no legal bearing in court. Joe Francis issued the following statement to Us Weekly:

“It is incomprehensible that Ms. Dupré could claim she did not give her consent to be filmed by Girls Gone Wild, when in fact we have videotape of her giving consent, while showing her identification. She’s seeking $10 Million for topless photos taken in front of a room full of people, including two newspapers and multiple crews we had in the room. These images were taken in public places and contain no sexual contact.”

That’s why Kurt Vonnegut once said “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” Also “Quit being such a goddamn slutty whore.” That last one was my mom, but I think it still applies.

Actor Nicolas Cage has won his libel suit against former co-star Kathleen Turner for her autobiographical claims that he used to be a drunken dog-napper. Both Kathleen’s publishers and The Daily Mail — who featured an excerpt from her book “Send Yourself Roses” in their tabloid publication — apologized and admitted the allegations were just the delusions of a crazy old bird who can’t remember what’s real and what isn’t. Reuters reports

Turner stated that Cage was “arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, for stealing a dog [while we were filmng "Peggy Sue Got Married"]. He’d come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket.”

Turner and the two publishing groups accepted that the allegations were untrue and [agreed to] pay the 44-year-old Cage’s legal costs and make a “substantial” donation to charity.

This is why you can’t trust old people. They’re always forgetting stuff and then making stuff up when they can’t remember what it is they were supposed to be doing to begin with. Like this time my uncle flagged down a senior citizen driving the wrong way down the interstate. All the old bastard had to say for himself was — and I quote — “Well, the sheriff said I take my eggs medium and I don’t expect no colored folk to clean my wagon if you aren’t.” True fucking story. So my uncle zapped him with a taser¹ and stole his car. Some people are just born heroes.

¹_{EDITOR’S NOTE: 50,000+ volts not recommended for old people with pacemakers, unless you are CPR certified or are already facing murder charges.}

Kathleen hawking her never-really-happened:

Another one of Joe Simpson’s Stellar Ideas^TM has come back to bite Jessica Simpson in the ass — this time, in the form of a workout video. According to Page Six

In 2005, during a lull in her career, Simpson starred in a workout tape produced by Speedfit, a fitness video company. Although she signed a multimillion-dollar contract, she later changed her mind and prevented the video from being released by not giving final approval. Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million - and since she’s refused to settle, Astilean’s now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well.

I don’t see what the big deal is. Jessica Simpson bending and squatting in spandex is probably the best idea Joe Simpson ever had. Bonus: we don’t have to watch her “act” or see that impacted-feces face she makes when she sings. We just get to watch her breasts jiggle as she struggles to count backwards from ten. “Seven, six, seven — no, I mean six, seven, eight… dammit, this is hard! Which was is left? I have a hard booger in my nose! I thought you said ‘anal seafood!’ And eight, nine, ten!” That Jane Fonda’s got nothin’ on Jessica Simpson.

Jessica leaving the Waverly Inn in New York January 30th:

Tony Parker might be French, but he’s pursuing justice the American way: with a lawsuit. Tony is suing photo agency X17 for their claims that he cheated on wife Eva Longoria with French model Alexandra Paressant. TMZ reports

In the lawsuit, Parker alleges X17 defamed him, claiming, “X17 had to know that the story was false, or at the very least, it had to have entertained serious doubts about the credibility of its supposed source.” The San Antonio Spur seems particularly pissed that X17 never sought to “verify the information with Mr. Parker, Ms. Longoria, any of their representatives or….anyone else who might have knowledge of the truth or falsity of the allegations. Tony Parker never had sexual relations with a woman named Alexandra Paressant.” The suit seeks at least $20 million [in damages].

All this ugliness could have been avoided if Eva would have just taken it in the face and occasionally let him put it in the butt. Simple as that, ladies. Trust me, short of lying, it’s the best solution to most of life’s problems. If I had a nickel for every jam it’s ever gotten me out of, I probably could have retired by the age of twenty-five. At the very least, I could have made a really big pyramid out of nickels. I’m talking huge. Believe me, you’re not going to see Eva Longoria building something like that. Someone really ought to tell her that you can’t put dignity in the bank.

The happy couple on the set of InStyle photoshoot last Friday: