David O. Russell, the Oscar-nominated director of The Fighter is in hot water after allegedly groping his 19 year-old transgendered niece’s boobs. TMZ reports,

The Broward County Sheriff’s Dept. has confirmed … Russell has been accused of inappropriately grabbing his niece’s breasts during a workout session at a South Florida hotel gym on Dec. 30.

According to the police report taken 3 days after the incident, Russell’s niece … who was born a man and is currently in the preoperative phase of her transition … told cops the two had been doing abdominal exercises when he asked questions about her transformation.

The niece — who does NOT have a blood relation to Russell — told cops they began to talk about her breasts … and how certain hormones she’s taking have made them larger.

According to the report, the niece claims Russell then “put his hands under [her] top and felt both breasts.”

Cops say the woman said she felt “uncomfortable” … but admitted she “did not ask him to stop at any time.”

Investigators later contacted Russell … and according to the report, the director confirmed he DID touch his niece’s breasts … but only after she gave him permission.

Cops say Russell explained that during the conversation about her chest, the niece informed him that one of her breasts was bigger than the other. The official report says … Russell told cops his niece then “allowed [him] to feel both of [her] breasts.”

According to the report, Russell told cops his niece asked him to “pinky swear” that he would never tell anyone about the incident.

In the report, cops say Russell insisted he repeatedly asked his niece if she was ever uncomfortable during the incident… and claims she gave consent.

In the police report, one of the investigators notes, “Russell stated [his niece] is always causing drama since the transgender transformation and has become very provocative and seductive.”

A spokesperson for Russell tells us, “David O. Russell emphatically denies any wrongdoing and has cooperated fully with the authorities.”

A man starts taking female hormones and turns into a slutty drama queen with lopsided boobs? Sounds like she’s looking for some funding for a boob job. Welcome to the ranks of money-digging, sexual-harassment-lawsuit-filing women. Well done, sister. Well done.

Emmy Rossum at the premiere of Shameless Season 2:

Lindsay Lohan says she will try to score some dough pursue legal action against a party planning company that claimed she is planning–now prepare yourselves–on being in Dubai for the New Year. DUN DUN DUUUUUN! The nerve! What will people think? Says Digital Spy,

Lindsay Lohan has denied reports that she is seeing in the New Year in Dubai.

The actress insisted that she will not be holding a New Year’s Eve party on the Queen Elizabeth 2 cruise ship, contrary to a party planning company’s claims.

Lohan’s rep Steve Honig said in a statement: “Lindsay is not going to Dubai, nor had she ever considered doing so.

“She will be spending New Year’s Eve in Los Angeles with a few close friends and family.”

According to TMZ, the star will pursue legal action against the source of the rumors.

I once kicked a stranger in the groin because his tie reminded me of the upholstery on my Nana’s couch, which got stained because I peed on it, and she smacked my knuckles with a wooden spoon for it. That totally doesn’t make any sense, but neither does this threatened lawsuit. Just trying to stay with the theme.

Here’s some extremely Photoshopped pictures from next month’s Maxim Australia:

Lady Gaga’s former personal assistant has filed a lawsuit against the singer saying that she is owed thousands of unpaid overtime. I figured if she was going to be sued for anything, it would be auditory damage from being required to listen to her songs on a regular basis. Go figure. The Daily Mail says:

Lady Gaga’s former personal assistant has launched legal action against the Poker Face singer, claiming she was overworked and underpaid.
Jennifer O’Neill, from Long Island, was employed by the star for 13 months, accompanying the 25-year-old her on her Monster Ball world tour last year.

She alleges that she put in 7,168 hours of unpaid overtime and is now owed more than $380,000, according to a report in the New York Post.

The 41-year-old claims she had to cater to the singer’s at times unreasonable demands around the clock.

She insists she had to ensure ‘the promptness of a towel following a shower and serving as a personal alarm clock to keep [Gaga] on schedule.’

She was not given breaks for meals ‘or, at times, even sleep,’ and needed to be available at the star’s ‘earliest waking hour’ or for ‘spontaneous, random matters in the middle of the night,’ according to the court papers.

O’Neill, who was paid $75,000-a-year, also had to ensure ‘the availability of chosen outfits’. Gaga is, of course, famous for her eccentric wardrobe and once wore a meat dress to MTV Video Music Awards.

She filed the lawsuit in Manhattan federal court last week against the superstar’s Mermaid Touring company for unpaid overtime.

My math skillz may be off a tad, but I’m not sure how you can work 7,168 hours of overtime in 13 months. In any case, for $75,000, even I’d hand Lady Gaga a towel for her freshly-washed penis and keep her on schedule with a blowhorn to the ear. Hell, I’d tell her that she’s the greatest, most original artist in the history of the world for that much money. I may loathe her, but principals are for the wealthy.

Lady Gaga introduces Japan to flapjacks:

A lawyer for Mariah Yeater denied TMZ’s claims that she had withdrawn her paternity suit against Justin Bieber last week, claiming negotiations to obtain a confidential DNA test were still taking place. The Daily Mail says:

Chicago based paternity lawyer Jeffrey Leving confirmed he is still very much on board [with Yeater] and negotiations with teen star Justin Bieber’s legal team are still active.

In a telephone interview with a Chicago news station today he confirmed: ‘I did not step down… it’s a new legal team. In light of death threats against my client, strategies have been reviewed.

Negotiations are going on right now with Bieber’s council and we’re trying to negotiate a private, secure DNA test with the same safe guards that would exist if there were a court order, but without a court order.

My goal is that when the DNA test is completed is to keep everything confidential.”

Which points to Yeater’s legal team pushing for a financial settlement regardless of paternity — basically paying her to go away. However, Yeater’s lawyers have not addressed how this is gonna work exactly now that she’s been busted asking friends to delete old text messages from her in which she indicates another man is actually the father of her bastard child. Awkward! TMZ says:

Justin Bieber’s alleged baby mama sent a text Wednesday to a friend, begging him to erase an incriminating text in which her mom says someone OTHER than Justin Bieber is the baby daddy, and then promising to give him a cut of the action when she scores a payday.

In the text, Yeater pleads “ERASE ALL MESSAGES from my mom.” The text goes on to say that her mom sent messages in the past stating that baby Tristyn was fathered by Robbie — an ex-boyfriend.

She then goes on to talk about giving [him] money if he cooperates: “Ill kick u when we get paid.”

In [another] text, Mariah writes, “Would you please stress to Robbie how important it is for him to be in his son’s life?” Apparently, Mariah forgot about this text, because she didn’t ask him to erase it.

Howard Weitzman, Justin Bieber’s lawyer said: “This information proves Mariah Yeater fabricated the story. Our independent investigation indicates Ms. Yeater never met Justin, she has consistently identified another man as the child’s father, and Ms. Yeater and her co-conspirators hatched this scheme in order to extort money from him and to sell her story to the media.”

Weitzman adds, “There have been no settlement discussions and there never will be.”

Once I was pretty sure I had “Bieber fever,” too, but it turned out it was just chlamydia. Fortunately, they make a pill for that nowadays.

The teenage girl who accused Justin Bieber fathering her bastard child has quietly dismissed her paternity lawsuit against him, mostly because he publicly announced he would take a paternity test and counter-sue her for defamation. TMZ says:

The suit was quietly dismissed late last week. What’s more, Mariah Yeater’s lawyers have withdrawn from the case.

Justin not only planned to take a DNA test when he returned to the U.S., he was going to sue Yeater and her lawyers for making a bogus claim. Justin’s lawyer called the [Yeater's] attorneys and informed them a suit was looming.

Apparently, they got the message.

It’s a well-known fact that teenage girls are total liars. The only thing they do more than lie is steal. That’s why you can’t trust them. And also because half of them turn out to be undercover police officers once you meet them outside the internet.

UPDATE: Not exactly.

Despite rapper Pitbull’s public apology and invitation to accompany him the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday, Lindsay Lohan is still charging ahead with her completely frivolous lawsuit against him for mentioning her name in one of his songs. TMZ says:

On Wednesday, Pitbull taped an apology claiming he meant no harm, and invited Lindsay to join him at the VMAs this weekend — where he’s scheduled to perform the song.

Sources close to Lindsay tell us she has no interest in going to the VMAs — and Pitbull’s apology has no impact on the lawsuit … it’s moving forward.

Oh, for the love of God. I don’t have time for this stupid shit. I’ve got more important things to deal with right now. Things like keeping the disciples of Ragnos from desecrating the Jedi Master’s tomb on Chandrila. Jedi Academy isn’t gonna play itself, you know.

“Defamatory” and “degrading” song in question:

Oscar winning star Joe Pesci is suing the producers of the new Gotti movie starring (Lindsay Lohan and John Travolta) for $3 million dollars, claiming they offered him a title role in the film but then dumped him after he’d already gained weight for the part. The Daily Mail says:

Pesci claims he was offered the part of Angelo Ruggiero and agreed to a $3m deal.

In preparation for the role he gained almost 30lbs to help play Ruggiero, who was well known for his heavy and stocky build.

But in legal papers filed in Los Angele, [Pesci] claimed he was dropped from the role and offered a lesser role and reduced salary.

The lawsuit claims the producers of the film Gotti: In the Shadow of My Father used Pesci’s name and status to drum up support for the project.

The lawsuit says: ‘Defendant has no intention of paying (Pesci) $3 million or having him portray Ruggiero in the film. Rather, plaintiff secretly planned to use (Pesci’s) name and likeness to promote the film and then to later concoct some pretext for terminating the contract so as to avoid paying plaintiff anything for the substantial publicity and “buzz” that was generated.’

If Joe Pesci wants to sue anybody, he should start with the dipshit that got him a role in the same movie as Lindsay Lohan and Vinny Barbarino. Agent FAIL.

Candice Swanepoel in Victoria’s Secret’s new exercise line because Joe Pesci is old and not sexy:

“Gossip Girl” star Leighton Meester is suing her ex-convict mother for using the money Leighton sent to cover her brother’s medical bills for her own plastic surgery. TMZ says:

According to the suit, Leighton’s mom refused to work, but Leighton felt badly for her younger brother Lex, who has severe medical issues. So Leighton sent her mom $7,500 a month so she could provide for Lex.

But the suit claims the mother, Constance Meester, used the money for cosmetic procedures and other personal expenses.

According to the suit, Constance even tried to convince Leighton they had an oral contract requiring Leighton to pay her $10,000 a month for life. Leighton says it’s a total lie.

Leighton wants the judge to declare there’s no contract between her and her mom.

Constance has since filed a $3 million dollar lawsuit against Leighton for violating that imaginary oral contact that entitled her to ten grand a month. And also for being assaulted with a water bottle. It’s like a high-stakes version of Jerry Springer in here. The NY Daily News says:

Constance Meester has filed a $3 million suit complaining her famous daughter reneged on an oral agreement to pay her $10,000 a month, canceled her health insurance and assaulted her during a 2 a.m. confrontation Dec. 11.

“[Leighton] pushed her mother to the floor and just started hitting her over the head with a water bottle,” Constance Meester’s lawyer [said].

[He also] denied allegations the mom spent the star’s $7,500 monthly checks on cosmetic procedures.

“That’s absurd,” he said. “She did have some cosmetic surgery, but not with the money from her daughter. She has some money saved up from when she managed her daughter.”

Did you catch that? She paid for her plastic surgery “not with money from her daughter, but with money saved up from when she managed her daughter.” Ah. I see. Maybe English isn’t her first language and nobody explained that no matter how many extra words you stuff between the preposition and the object of the preposition, it still means you paid for your new tits and fake hair with money you stole from your kid. Casey Anthony would make a better mother than this bitch does.

Leighton the set of Gossip Girl earlier this week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The former bodyguard that sued Britney Spears for sexual harassment last year is speaking out against the singer again, this time alleging that he was subject to her infrequent bathing and indiscriminate farting during the five months he worked for her. No, seriously. The Daily Mail says:

Flores [states in his suit]: ‘[Spears] broke wind or picked her nose unselfconsciously and unapologetically [in front of Flores] and she was constantly and gratuitously loud and profane in her speech. She did not bathe for days on end, did not use deodorant, did not brush her teeth, did not fix her hair, did not wear shoes or socks.’

Now the singer’s lawyers have filed a motion to strike Fernando Flores’ latest allegations, saying his claims that the star had disgusting hygiene habits are false.

She can sue him for defamation if she wants, but we all remember the year 2007. Or at least, you probably do. At the time I was subsisting on nothing but tequila and the occasional maraschino cherry or lemon wedge stolen from the bar’s garnish station. Or as my parents liked to call it, “college.”

Looking surprisingly good on her “Femme Fatale” tour last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

If you have long black hair, brown eyes and a huge ass, then you should know you owe Kim Kardashian royalties for unauthorized use of her image, and she will sue you just like she’s suing Old Navy. It seems the retail giant was impertinent enough to use ethnic-looking model in their television commercials (see photo above) without her express written consent. TMZ says:

Kim is filing a lawsuit against [Old Navy] — claiming they intentionally used a look-alike in an effort to dupe the public into thinking Kim was affiliated with [the brand].

Kim is especially furious that Old Navy has been tweeting to her page about the look-alike — in an effort to gain even more publicity.

One of those tweets read, “@CBSNEWS reports that Old Navy’s Super CUTE star looks like @kimkardashian. #LOL. What do you think?”

We’re told Kim believes the copycat campaign has damaged her wallet somewhere in the range of $15 to $20 million.

Perhaps Kim has never been to the Philippines. Or South America. Or the Middle East, or India, or Central America, or Mexico, where 98% of the population is short and swarthy with long black hair and brown eyes. Why not just sue entire third world while you’re at it? I’m sure it’d be more cost-effective, you self-important cunt.

Old Navy model in question Melissa Molinaro, who is superior to Kim Kardashian in every sense of the word imaginable:

Kim Kardashian has threatened to sue NFL star Bret Lockett after he went public with claims he’d had a fling with her while she was dating fiance Kris Humphries. TMZ says:

Kim threatened to sue Lockett and In Touch Weekly for defamation over a story in which Lockett claimed Kim’s been cheating on her fiance Kris Humphries with him.

But Lockett says he’s not afraid of Kim Kardashian’s legal threats — [claiming] he has CONCRETE PROOF the two hooked up while Kim was dating her fiance Kris Humphries.

Lockett claims he has phone records, text messages and very personal cell phone pics of Kim — and if push comes to shove, he’s willing to present the evidence in court.

Let that be a lesson to all of you. You never want to have sex with someone without first taking the necessary steps to procure evidence that intercourse did, in fact, occur. It doesn’t always have to be in the form of pics or video, either. For instance, I always pull the used condoms out of the trash post-coitus and put them in individually-labeled Ziploc baggies that I arrange alphabetically in my freezer. Something about snipping a lock of hair after they passed out just seemed a little too creepy for my tastes.

Promoting her new perfume yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

There’s always drama with the Lohan clan, so what could be more natural fodder for a movie script? The Lohans are pretending they’re not delighted to be getting more attention drawn to them, so what’s the best way to up the ante? File a lawsuit. TMZ says,

Producers of “Dogs in Pocketbooks” — a movie pretty clearly based on Lindsay Lohan’s wild ride — may have to open their own pocketbooks, because the Lohan clan is considering legal action.

As we told you yesterday, “Dogs” is based on a spoiled brat prone to alcohol and cocaine binges, reckless driving, failed rehab attempts, career-ending partying and ruthless hangers-on.

Lydia Hearst, Lindsay’s spitting image, will star in the movie.

Dina Lohan says the new movie “is definitely based on Lindsay’s likeness,” and “We have a very strong case. It’s shadowing E*TRADE” — referring to Lohan’s suit against the online brokerage firm which produced a commercial featuring a baby Lindsay.

Now we’ve learned Lohan’s family lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, has been contacted by the Lohan family and it seems Ovadia thinks they have a case: “They are again using her likeness without her being compensated.”

Ovadia adds, “Not only that but they are advertising the fact that they are using her likeness.”

Dina warns, “Anyone bringing negativity will be dealt with accordingly.”

Oh please beeyatch. You hear “spoiled brat prone to alcohol and cocaine binges, reckless driving, failed rehab attempts, career-ending partying and ruthless hangers-on”, who else are you going to think of but Lindsay? You could slap a wig on a springer spaniel and everyone would know who you’re talking about. Believe me, I know. They asked my dog to play the part, but she was really offended.

In a Benn Jaye photoshoot: