Hayden Pannettiere is mimicking cunnilingus. I could start saying all sorts of witty things, but you wouldn’t even bother to read it, would you? Your eyes would just drift back up to that picture, right? I could say random stuff like hopscotch buttered toast and chopping so much broccoli and you wouldn’t even know it. Blah blah blah, ajd jfd nfweanfdskf sdfj j . You’re welcome.

Lindsay Lohan’s big Playboy cover reveal on next Thursday’s Ellen probably won’t be as big a deal now that it leaked online yesterday and everybody’s already seen it. And also because it’s really fucking lame. The Daily Mail says:

[On the cover], the 25-year-old actress is seen straddling a Playboy bunny shaped chair which manages to cover her modesty, but reveals the curve of her breasts.

Wearing just a pair of black high heels, Lindsay has her hair in big blonde curls falling around her shoulders, and she is seen pouting into the camera with bright red lips, matching her seat and the curtains in the backdrop.

Well, of course Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy cover leaks. It probably has a foul-smelling discharge, too. If you want the authentic Lindsay Lohan experience, Hugh made sure to cover all your bases.

Scarlett Johansson opens up about those hacked nude photos that surfaced online back in September in next month’s Vanity Fair magazine. The Daily Mail says:

Miss Johansson, 26, has explained that she sent [the photos] to her former husband, Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds.

‘Those are old, from three years ago,’ she told the magazine. ‘They were sent to my husband. There’s nothing wrong with that.

‘It’s not like I was shooting a porno – although there’s nothing wrong with that either.’

She even joked that they showed her in a flattering light because ‘I know my best angles’.

Did she just hint at a possible sex tape? Because it sounds like she was hinting at a possible sex tape. The little cricket on the poster at the library says if we believe hard enough, we can make it happen!

R.E.M. announced yesterday that they were going their separate ways after over thirty years together. Front man Michael Stipe wrote on their official website:

“A wise man once said ‘the skill in attending a party is knowing when it’s time to leave.’ We built something extraordinary together. We did this thing. And now we’re going to walk away from it.

I hope our fans realize this wasn’t an easy decision; but all things must end, and we wanted to do it right, to do it our way.

We have to thank all the people who helped us be R.E.M. for these 31 years; our deepest gratitude to those who allowed us to do this. It’s been amazing.”

And he shot down any rumors of dissension within the band, adding:

“We have always been a band in the truest sense of the word. Brothers who truly love and respect each other. We feel kind of like pioneers in this — there’s no disharmony here, no falling-outs, no lawyers squaring off. We’ve made this decision together, amicably and with each other’s best interests at heart.”

And to prove there were no hard feelings, Michael Stipe promptly unleashed his (NSFW) wiener and riotous mane of pubic hair on the internet. Makes perfect sense, really. We just broke up, so here’s my dick. You’d be surprised how many of my relationships have ended with that very phrase.

I came across this photo of Miley Cyrus in her panties on the set of her “Who Owns My Heart” video, but I have no idea when or how this thing found its way online. I don’t know if it just leaked or if it’s part of the set that leaked earlier in the year, or if it has anything to do with the same guy who hacked Mila Kunis and Scarlett Johansson’s phone last week. To be honest, I really didn’t care. It’s a hot 18-year old girl in her panties. If it’s “information” you want, maybe you should start by asking the gentleman behind you to remove the dick from your ass, because you’re obviously gay. Queer.

Since those (now removed) nude photos of Scarlett Johansson were leaked Wednesday, her camp has been on the war-path to have the culprit tracked down and prosecuted, and have called the FBI in on the hunt. Says TMZ,

The scofflaws who hacked Scarlett Johansson’s cell phone … and then leaked several nude pics — are in the crosshairs of the FBI, and we’re told the Feds already know the identity of the main culprit.

TMZ broke the story … Scarlett contacted the FBI yesterday after the pics — one which features her bare breasts and another showcasing her behind — were leaked to several websites.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the FBI is “honing in” on the group of hackers and know the identity of at least one of them — and we’re told it’s the ringleader.

Our sources say the hackers have done their dirty work on the cell phones of other celebs, including Vanessa Hudgens, Jessica Alba, Lindsey Vonn, Ali Larter and Emma Caulfield.

It’s nice to know that the FBI is there to protect us from the terrifying threat of boobies. Now I can sleep peacefully at night knowing I’m not going to be pummeled in my sleep by a devious set of breasts. Actually, I’m not worried about that happening, it’s more like hoping.

With Taiwanese actress Shu Qi at a Moët & Chandon event in Shanghai:

Scarlett Johansson’s cell phone was hacked back in March, and there were rumors nekkid pictures were forthcoming. Well, here they are. Enjoy Scarlett’s nipples and ass crack for the next .05 seconds, which is how long it will take before her lawyers threaten to break my kneecaps and make me take them down.

UPDATE: The fuzz got to us, so we had to take the pictures down.

Because being Ryan Seacrest’s beard just wasn’t paying off with the job offers like she expected, Julianne Hough had her cell phone “hacked” and the photos “leaked” online yesterday. Wink, wink. And I’m sure more people would be talking about her if the pics were any good. They’re not. Sure, there’s some stripper wear and the bikini, but there’s also a swim cap and a mustache and a very large zit she just picked right in the middle of her forehead. To be honest, they’re really more embarrassing than they are sexy.

Andrew Breitbart — the conservative blogger who earlier this week claimed to have an “X-rated” photograph of shamed Representative Anthony Weiner’s dick as “insurance,” BTW — made the mistake of passing around his little (NSFW) insurance wiener pic on Opie and Anthony’s Sirius show today, not realizing they were being videotaped the whole time. Opie wrote in a series of tweets:

We had @ AndrewBreitbart on the show today and we prodded him to see the “pic” that was rumored to be out there. He finally passed his phone around to show a pic of @repweiner ‘s well “weiner”. I believe it was not @AndrewBreitbart ‘s intention to get the pic out there at this time. As the phone made the rounds around the room to @jimnorton @anthonycumia and myself the picture was captured by a video camera that was on! I did try to take a pic of @AndrewBreitbart ‘s phone but it came out blurry because @anthonycumia grabbed the phone. Wasn’t until @AndrewBreitbart left the studio that we realized what was captured on our video camera.

So what you have here is a blurry screen cap of someone holding a phone on which is the photo of Weiner’s wiener. The good news is you can still tell it’s really Weiner’s wiener because it leans to the left. You know, because he’s a Democrat? High five!

With all the naked “Not Blake Lively” we’ve had here lately, I thought it was time for a little change of pace. Something along the lines of this full-frontal naked photo of MMA fighter Tito Ortiz to cleanse our collective palate, if you will. TMZ says:

The photo surfaced [last night] — when it was uploaded to Tito’s personal photo-sharing website, which is connected through his Twitter page.

The photo appears to be a naked self-portrait shot with a cell phone.

Tito tweeted [shortly thereafter], “Someone hacked my fucking phone.”

Note to guys everywhere: if you’re gonna take a picture of your wiener — impressive though it may be — you don’t want to do it with a huge shit-eating grin on your face. It gives the same aesthetic effect of a retard who pulled down his pants on the bus because somebody told him to, but wasn’t quite in on the joke. You want to think more along with lines of Senior Portrait Pensive, or maybe a nice Blue Steel. Something that says, “I’m serious about my wiener, and you can be, too.”

Wife Jenna Jameson at Scott Disick’s birthday party last week:

^{More of her showing off the tattoos she wore in 2009′s “The Town”}

Whoever hacked into Blake Lively’s cell phone and leaked all those nekkid pics online got a little incensed after her publicist publicly announced that the photos were “100% fake” and that “Blake has never taken nude photos of herself,” because he leaked several more photos last night (albeit not as naked, but with a whole lot more visible face) and now these pics surfaced this morning, all tagged with the mocking caption “Oh, yes, Blake’s rep. These are totally fake. We really, really believe you. Want moar? BTW, thanks for all the faps.” Or in layman’s terms, “PWNED, biyatch!”

UPDATE: Photos have been removed at the request of Blake Lively’s attorneys.

When asked for comment, Blake Lively’s representative reportedly said, “Awww….. goddammit.”