You’d think anyone would be smart to the fact that it’s never a good idea to pin high hopes on Lindsay Lohan–that is, unless you’re waging on her being drunk, stoned, or late. Then yeah, go for it. Playboy apparently didn’t get the memo and are freaking out now that their cover of Lindsay got leaked yesterday. Technically that’s not Lindsay’s fault, but the girl is bad news. TMZ says,

Lindsay Lohan’s highly classified Playboy photo shoot leaked to the Internet this morning — one week before the issues was set to hit newsstands — and TMZ has learned Playboy honchos are “freaking out.”

First off — the pics aren’t bad … it’s a Marilyn Monroe thing … and it works.

Playboy sources tell us … there are fears the leak could significantly damage sales of the magazine … which is expected to be the best seller of the year.

The shoot was a massive investment for Playboy — the mag shelled out nearly $1 million to Lohan for the spread and we’re told the company has printed thousands of extra copies in anticipation of a sales boom.

Is there really that high of a demand to see an alcoholic coke head topless? Shit, all I have to do is drive downtown Saturday morning and there’s bound to be one passed out in the gutter. I don’t have to pay for a magazine, and there’s the added bonus of getting a um, more tactile experience. Playboy doesn’t have honkable boobs, now do they? Bingo.

*UPDATE* Check out the spread here

Here’s something you won’t see downtown in the gutter: Diane Kruger sideboob!

MediaTakeOut got their hands on more leaked semi-nude photos of Rihanna, supposedly texted to a former boyfriend late last year. The Daily Mail says:

One photo shows the 22-year-old topless, clad only in a pair of lacy underwear, covering her breasts with her arms as she poses in a mirror.

Another shows her lifting her shirt open with a finger resting on her tongue.

These may be the most boring topless pictures in history. Even my family Christmas card was more shocking than this. I really tried to put the “ho” in “holiday” this year. God knows Grandma shouldn’t always be the one to have to do it.

It was reported earlier this week that a couple of Germans had hacked their way into a ton of celebrity computers, which might explain the timely appearance of these mostly-nude pictures of Christina Aguilera. As for their authenticity, I did some research, and 1) that’s definitely Christina’s closet, 2) the tattoos match up, and 3) she was wearing that very same outfit in her “Not Myself Tonight” video. That’s about the time I realized I’d spent the last hour and a half scouring the internet for ways to prove it was really her, so I ran a hosepipe from the exhaust pipe of my car, put “Everybody Hurts” on repeat and laid back and waited for the carbon monoxide to kick in. I had a degree, you know!

Whether or not those Miley Cyrus’ nude shots are actually her or not remains to be seen, but these newly leaked pictures from her stolen cell are definitely the real deal. And they are definitely more embarrassing. Everybody knows the only thing that goes with dreamcatcher jewelery is the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt!

Miley Cyrus’ iPad and iPhone were stolen along with her purse last week, so it was just a matter of time before naked pictures of Hannah Montana found their way onto the interwebs. These were supposedly taken at the Westin Palace Hotel in Madrid earlier this year, right before she turned 18 (hence the censoring). True, you can’t see her whole face in the photo, but the girl has the same shitty hair extensions and the same ugly flannel shirt that Miley was photographed wearing in early November. Also, the rings and bracelets match up. And as for her tattoo, it’s a mirror shot, so you’re actually looking at her right breast, and the tattoo is under her left. My pipe and the Sherlock Holmes-style detective hat I’m wearing should assuage any of your doubts as to their authenticity. Elementary, my dear bitches!

UPDATE: Zack Taylor is now saying that they are fake and claiming that’s some British woman. I don’t know if I buy that, though.

Acting legend Tony Curtis passed away yesterday at the age of 85, but he didn’t have any sex tapes for sale, so you can understand why I have to devote the rest of this post to Hobgoblin of the Orient Tila Tequila. It’s called “pageviews,” people. It’s not my fault that all you want to look at is smut. TMZ says:

There are two [Tila Tequila sex] tapes, two different partners with two different sexes, and two porn companies bidding for both.

Vivid Entertainment wants both the girl-on-girl and guy-on-girl configurations — but another company has already gotten a hold of one of the tapes and is angling for the second.

A source close to the negotiations tells us it’s an all-out porn war.

Just file that one two under “Sex Tapes Nobody Wants to See,” right next to “Screeched: Saved by the Smell” and footage of Rosie O’Donnell defiling herself with a pork tenderloin.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Heidi Montag’s sex tape might not ever see the light of day, but one of her supposed co-stars will still get her chance to bare all on the internet — a “stolen” tape of Playmate Karissa Shannon doing the nasty has mysteriously fallen into Vivid Entertainment’s lap. TMZ says:

Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch [says] he actually laid eyes on the tape which co-stars Karissa’s boyfriend, “Smallville” actor Sam Jones III. Hirsch says it was sent to him from “a reputable third party” and that he’d “love to be able to release it.”

The footage in question sounds a lot like the sex tape Karissa claims Spencer Pratt stole from her house — which she’s threatening to sue him over if he doesn’t return.

Vivid’s chief isn’t divulging who dropped the tape in his lap, but does say he’s “very impressed with the quality and content.”

If it was a “reputable third party” who gave it to Vivid, then it must not have been Spencer Pratt who leaked it. They would have used the term “belligerent loudmouthed fame-hungry assface.” Maybe the cleaning woman found it or something.

Sam and Karissa not having sex outside of Trousdale last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

If you’re a fan of Kelly Brook, today is your lucky day: Nuts magazine managed to get their hands on the first grainy stills of her nude in “Piranha: 3D.” You’re probably saying, “Oh, big deal — I see blurry naked chicks all the time!” Well, smartypants, this time the naked chick isn’t blurry because you’re crying while collecting your pants and apologizing. She’s blurry because she’s actually underwater.

Revisit her bikini scenes with Riley Steele here:

News of Ke$ha’s sex tape broke back in March, but the first of the supposedly leaked screen caps/naked photos just started making the rounds today. You’ll note that DJ Stolen (I’m not a detective, but probably not his real name) had the foresight to label the seminal fluid on her stomach for you, in case you thought it might have been snot or egg whites, because plenty of women like to do their cholesterol-free cooking topless. I just wish Lipitor had been around when I was growing up. It would have made breakfast with Mom a hell of a lot less disturbing.

Scarlett Johansson for Mango, because Ke$ha looks like a fat sk8er boi/gypsy fortune teller hybrid:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

You asked for it — the Danielle Staub sex tape screen captures are finally here! Wait… you didn’t ask for it? Oh, my bad. Radar Online says

Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member Jacqueline Laurita turned to Twitter Tuesday night to declare: “Heard from a VERY reliable source that [Danielle] released her OWN sex tape. Heard it’s disgusting. Such disregard 4 her kids.”

Hustler Inc. has confirmed that Staub “knows it’s being released.”

The 47-year-old mother of two has already dealt with her share of sex tape scandals. Just last year, Staub successfully obtained a court order to block her ex-boyfriend, Stephen Zalewski, from releasing an X-rated video of her.

RadarOnline.com has confirmed Zalewski is not in the soon-to-be-released tape.

You should know that the strategically placed stars don’t go away when you click the thumbnails below. You should also know that if you’re actually considering clicking the thumbnails below, you need to take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself when your life went so terribly wrong. Denial is the biggest hurdle on the path to self-acceptance!

A sex tape Chelsea Handler made nearly twenty years ago “as a joke” has resurfaced like a rogue turd that didn’t make it down on the first flush. Unfortunately, there’s no Chuy involved in the video. Radar Online says

[We have] viewed the graphic tape, which was made nearly a decade ago after Chelsea moved to Los Angeles. During the first part of the tape, Chelsea is fully clothed. She begins by introducing herself by name before going into a stand-up routine before suddenly cutting to Chelsea and her male partner engaging in an explicit sex act.

Chelsea, who is on all fours on a bed is naked and looks directly at the camera. Her breasts are bare and swinging during the sex act. At the end of the “performance”, Chelsea’s partner speaks in a clear British accent, asking, “Did we get the [cum] shot?” Chelsea looks into the camera and smiles at this point. Then the tape immediately cuts back into Chelsea continuing her stand-up routine in her apartment.

So what part of that was the “joke,” exactly? Well…

“This is an old demo tape that Chelsea had put together just a couple years after moving out to Hollywood when she was trying to make it as a comedienne,” the source said.

“Chelsea gave this demo tape to a bunch of talent agents and managers hoping to book some gigs. It was taken so long ago and distributed on old VHS tapes, that I’m sure most people just threw them out because her stand-up was so bad and they didn’t realize she would make it big one day. It’s highly possible that many of the recipients of the tape didn’t even watch past the first couple of minutes and missed the sex tape part altogether.”

Ah. It was a work joke. I see. But when I send a sex tape to the boys in HR, it’s “cause for termination.” You gotta love how things work on the West Coast. Anyway, Chelsea herself confirmed the existence of the tape on her show “Chelsea Lately”last night, saying:

“I would like to say to RadarOnline.com, thanks for ruining my surprise Christmas gift to my staff, and number two, it was made as a joke. I put it on an audition tape for a comedy club, because I’m a comedienne, and I’ve been showing it at birthday parties for [fucking] years!”

Which I imagine is why she never gets invited to her nieces’ birthdays anymore. The management at Chuck E. Cheese always freaks out when they see vaginal penetration.

With Chuy at some gay thing last year here; watch her Chelsea Lately response from last night after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Nude pictures of the “model” who is suing Steven Seagal for sexual assault have found their way onto the interwebs, as has a clip of her on a January 2009 episode of “The Tyra Banks Show” entitled “The Gay Kingdom” (clip after the jump). See if you can guess if this is gonna help her credibility at all. CBS says

[While on the Tyra Banks show], Kayden Nguyen claimed to be a “lipstick lesbian” who could manipulate any [man] she wanted.

She brags about how she can use her “sex appeal” and “trick any guy” into getting what she wants.

So she has a history of getting naked for money and using her sexuality to manipulate and deceive. I see. I guess if you can’t actually crawl up on the bench and take a dump on the witness stand, this would be the next best thing for you sexual assault case.

UPDATE: TMZ is now retracting their story and saying the girl pictured above is NOT Kayden Nguyen. However, it doesn’t change the fact that the mystery girl in the pictures is still naked. Therefore no further action is necessary.

Thumbs 1 & 2 (NSFW) are Kayden; the rest are Tila Tequila bogarting the stage at The Crazy Horse to promote her crappy new song “I Fuck the DJ.” I figure one cheap Asian’s as good as another:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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