31-year-old sex tape star Kim Kardashian and 29-year-old homewrecker LeAnn Rimes have more in common than just a prescription for Valtrex — they both attended the same church in Calabasas this past Sunday. The Daily Mail says:

LeAnn attended the morning service at the Life Change Community Church with her husband Eddie Cibrian, while Kim arrived with her mother Kris Jenner, sister Kourtney and nephew Mason.

Following the service on Sunday, Twitter-mad LeAnn posted: ‘Thank you a great service [Pastor Brad Johnson] you made me cry.

She then added: ‘@KimKardashian great seeing you and the fam. See you soon xoxo.’

Kim then swiftly replied with: ‘You too babe! See you soon! Xoxo.’

I’m fairly certain that in the Bible, the earth opens up and swallows the whores of Babylon whole when they dare to cross the threshold of the most holy. Which is really ironic when you stop and think about it, in that it’s usually the whores doing most of the swallowing and everything.

If someone had told me that there were busty girls in string bikinis jumping up and down and spreading their legs in Bochee Ball, I might have actually played it, instead of just yelling that it was a game for faggots and urinating on the green. In hindsight, that may have been a tad premature.

LeAnn Rimes playing Bochee Ball/aerial jumping jacks in Hawaii (10 more pics after the jump):

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Nothing ruins a good bikini picture like a stupid baby. It makes masturbating take twice as long, and as you well know, I don’t have that kind of time. Not while the ancient flowers in the Larunya Mines in Zelda Skyward Sword still beckon.

LeAnn Rimes in Hawaii over the weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Yesterday I said that Leann Rimes’ ass was all flat and sad and Caucasoid, and then today I see these pictures of her in a different bikini. Look, I’m not one to mince words, and I’m not one who won’t own up to mistakes. I was wrong about Leann Rimes’ ass. Plain and simple. It’s just all part of the learning process. Mistakes are how we grow. I know it will take a while for you to trust me again, but with time and healing, I think we can make our way through this.

Leann Rimes and her very not-sad not-flat technically-Caucasoid-but-not-in-the-way-I-meant-it ass in Hawaii

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Leann Rimes looks like she’s flaring her nostrils in every last one of these pictures, which means she’s either permanently in a huff (entirely plausible) or she’s lost so much weight that her nostrils are too big for her face (also entirely plausible). Thank God the breast implants are there to distract from it.

With husband Eddie Cibrian in Hawaii:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

From the neck down, this is the best I’ve ever seen Michelle Williams look. The rest of her just looks like LeAnn Rimes doing “Pagliacci” in a bad Katherine Heigl wig.

She’s been name-dropping Mikoh Swimwear on her Twitter all summer, but now Leann Rimes is officially posing for the company. I don’t know that Mikoh Swimwear really thought this thing through, though. They’re gonna have to do a whole lot of photoshopping to get both of her tits to point the same direction in any of the photos.

I vaguely remember hearing about a Leann Rimes sex tape last week, but it was supposedly with her closeted ex-husband Dean Sheremet, so I didn’t really give it much though. If I wanted to see a gay man muffling his sobs and choking back dry heaves while thrusting half-heartedly, I’d just get my honeymoon video out again. But that’s probably all for the best, because her sex tape doesn’t even have any sex, not even the gay-man-playing-hetero kind — just footage of her changing while he coos at her in a creepy baby voice. She tweeted yesterday:

Since when is changing in front of a mirror in a thong a “sex tape?” the fact that someone has STOLEN a tape of private moments of when I was 18 and is trying to profit off of it is sick and the fact that the media is trying to make more of it than it is, a few private moments of me changing and joking around [e.g., the baby voice] is misleading and wrong. Once again, I have never filmed myself having sex period. All I know is you see more of me on a beach in a bikini. Moving on, so should everyone else!

The only thing worse than farting during sex is using the baby voice during sex. The second you start coochie-cooing and saying words like “widdle bittums” and “daddy likey,” my legs instinctively snap shut like a Venus Flytrap. You’d have better luck plying me with a ski mask and a roll of duct tape.

Despite rumors that she made a sex tape, LeAnn Rimes claims she never did the deed in front of a camera. I know, you’re all really broken up about this, aren’t you? Says Digital Spy,

LeAnn Rimes has dismissed claims that she made a sex tape with ex-husband Dean Sheremet.

The ‘How Do I Live’ singer laughed off speculation that intimate footage of the former couple was about to be released after being discovered in a truck.

She wrote on Twitter: “I hear there are rumors of a ‘sex tape’ I have never filmed myself having sex on tape, period. Haven’t joined that club Lol (sic)”

A spokesperson for Rimes further stated to the New York Daily News: “LeAnn has absolutely never filmed a video [of herself] having sex.”

Sheremet – when questioned about the alleged tape – is quoted as arguing: “We were married for eight years, we did a lot of s**t. I honestly don’t even remember. I’m sure it was fun and innocent.”

The footage was claimed by its finder to feature Rimes “posing provocatively” in a thong.

Whew! I’m glad we cleared that one up. If I wanted to see an unusually large member of the order Rodentia , I’d go over to my cousin Clive’s house and see his 7-year-old rat get it on with his harem of red-eyed lady friends. I’m sure that option would prove to be less frightening and probably sexier.

At Sirius XM’s “The Highway Super Fan Concert Series” in Nashville:

The only woman in the world who might love herself more than Adrianne Curry is LeAnn Rimes, as evidenced by her insatiable need to post pictures of herself in a bikini on the internet every five goddamn minutes. Like these two pics, for example, taken while on honeymoon with current husband Eddie Cibrian in Mexico last week. The Daily Mail says:

The holiday picture – which shows the Grammy award winner on the beach in a blue and white two piece – quickly prompted concern among some of her thousands of her followers.

A fan wrote that the star looked ‘scary skinny.’

But LeAnn jumped straight on the defense, saying: ‘Those are called abs not bones love.’

She went on to say: ‘Thx but this is my body and I can promise you I’m a healthy girl. I’m just lean. Thx for your concern but no need to be.’

If those sharp, jutting, pointy things on her lower torso are supposed to be her abdominal “muscles”, she’s either in the process of digesting a bunch of roofing tiles or a baby pterodactyl is trying to claw its way out of her abdomen. Hips don’t lie, my friends. Just ask Shakira.

LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian reportedly wed on Friday in an intimate ceremony in Malibu. It’s just like a fairytale! That is, if one of the Ugly Stepsisters ran off with Cinderella’s Prince Charming. Says Us Magazine,

Rimes, 28, and Cibrian, 37, married at sunset under a tree. (The two met in 2008 on the set of their Lifetime movie Northern Lights. At the time, both were married to other people. Us Weekly broke the news of their ongoing extramarital affair in March 2009.)

Following their “I do’s,” the couple and their guests partied on at the reception. Rimes thanked her mom and friends “for being so supportive and always being there for [her.]”

At 11:09 p.m., Cibrian and Rimes cut their three-tier wedding cake while the oldies song ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ played.

At 11:11 p.m., Cibrian made a toast. “Someone loves the f****** microphone and that’s me! We’ve both had much larger weddings before, about 100-150 people both, but we just wanted our closest of friends and family here with us tonight. The next one will be ever smaller though,” he joked. “We’ll just keep parring it down!” The crowd laughed had cheered, and Cibrian finished his toast, saying, “Seriously, you guys are here because you guys mean a lot to us.”

Rimes echoed Cibrian’s sentiments and told her guests, “I love you all.” She added: “Now let’s have some cake, bitches!”

After hitting the dance floor, the newlyweds left in an SUV at 12:52 a.m.

On Saturday, Rimes wrote on her Twitter page: “Eddie and I are overwhelmed by the amount of lovely well wishes. We are blessed and…. I’m Mrs. Cibrian!!! So wonderful to wake up as husband and wife. Love to all of you.”

Personally, I think “philanderer and harlot” have a much more musical ring than boring old “husband and wife”. That’s what I decided to go with anyway, when I got all my linens embroidered.

Rachel Bilson in a bikini with Hayden Christensen, because I’d take one bikini-clad Rachel over a dozen nude LeAnns:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Instead of shutting up about her whole messy cheating/divorce debacle, LeAnn Rimes continues to seek attention by explaining why she’s a husband-stealing tramp. Us Magazine says,

It’s been over two years since Us Weekly first broke news of LeAnn Rimes’ extramarital affair with Eddie Cibrian — eighty-sixing both of their marriages — and the country singer, 28, isn’t afraid to own up to her mistakes.

“I know I didn’t do it the right way,” Rimes says of falling for her Northern Lights costar in “Backstory: LeAnn Rimes,” a new special airing Sunday on the Great American Country channel.

“I didn’t have the tools to know how to do it the right way, how to let go the right way. I’d never been taught that,” she says of cheating on then-husband Dean Sheremet with Cibrian, who was then wed to Brandi Glanville, mother to his two sons. (She and Cibrian, 37, are now engaged; Sheremet is also engaged to girlfriend Sarah Silver.)

“I have the strength [now] but I didn’t at the time… So, it got really messy, but I have learned a lot from that. And I’m not glad it happened, but I know why it did.”

She adds: “[Country music] has such a double standard. You know, Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash and all these guys. God knows what they did back in the day? And if a woman did it, you never were accepted or forgiven. But if it was a guy, it was just their life… It’s quite interesting to have to navigate those waters as a woman in this business.”

God I hate that touchy-feely crap about not having the “tools” to know how to end your marriage. It’s called “taking a backhoe to your husband’s Harley that he loves waaaay more than you”. If your husband isn’t demanding a divorce after you do that, then I don’t know what would.

Looking like a Pekingese in need of a grooming: