As Election Day nears, you can expect to see more and more celebrities spouting off political rhetoric like the pompous blowhards they all are. I’ve always been of the opinion that celebrities should shut the hell up and get back in their cages and dance like the monkeys they are. They’re here to entertain — possibly show us their tits and/or beaver — not to educate the masses. Come on. Like I’m going to take the guy who got his salad tossed by a dog in “Booty Call” seriously. Please.

So, anyway, enjoy the requisite slew of celebrities in a four-minutes-too-long public service announcement urging you to register to vote. Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry and Forest Whitaker, just to name a few. Bottom line — vote or don’t vote. Whatever. Both bastards are pretty much the same useless puppets of the Bilderberg New World Order. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Everybody knows the only real hope for change is open revolt and exile. Just ask South America!

Break out your bow ties and rohypnol, boys — lingerie model Bar Rafaeli is back on the market! According to the San Francisco Chronicle

Actor Leonardo DiCaprio’s relationship with Israeli model Bar Refaeli is on the rocks and the couple has already been spending weeks apart.The pair have been dogged by rumors of an impending break-up in recent months, and new reports allege the actor is already moving on.

According to the New York Daily News, DiCaprio was spotted in New York over the weekend cozying up to a mystery brunette, with Rafaeli no where in sight.

Well, I hope you’re happy, Leonardo DiCaprio. You just lost out on your only chance to yell out “I now declare open Bar!” while going down on your girlfriend. Also, “administering the Bar exam” while copping a feel or “raising the Bar” when you’re doing it standing up. Golden opportunities like that only come around once in a lifetime, you know.

Bar at the grand opening of Lavo Restaurant and Nightclub in Vegas on Friday and in Arena magazine February 2008:

Leonardo DiCaprio might be 5′8″ on a good day and lack the ability to grow facial hair or pubes and have a higher pitched voice than my eight year-old niece, but make no mistake: he’s porking Bar Rafaeli, and I’m not. Also, both he and his girlfriend share names with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My name, on the other hand, rhymes with “scabby” and “flabby.” I think it’s pretty obvious who wins here.

You already know that Lindsay Lohan gets drilled more often than the Alaskan coastline in the late nineteen-eighties. But what happens when Lindsay doesn’t get her daily requirement of wiener? Rush and Molloy say

Lindsay Lohan was working her charms as she fluttered back and forth between Adrian Grenier and Leonardo DiCaprio Tuesday night at a West Hollywood club. LiLo at first gravitated to Grenier, pulling off her red leather jacket and pulling him onto the dance floor. But when the girl he came with reclaimed the “Entourage” star, Lohan made her way over to the table where Leo was partying with Kevin Connolly and Lukas Haas. “She was very flirty with Leo,” says our spy. “But he wasn’t saying much to her.” DiCaprio and Grenier and their posses exited around 2 a.m., leaving Lohan [penis-less].

Then the sound of fabric ripping echoed through the club as Lindsay lumbered to the center of the floor with a vagina bulging three times its normal size. She frantically scoured the room and bellowed “Ho-han horny! Ho-han smash!” before ripping the top from a table so she could mount its base, alternating between angry snarls and whimpers of delight. Unfortunately, by that time most everyone had already run screaming from the building, so nobody got pictures. But they weren’t kidding when they said you don’t want to make Lindsay Lohan horny! Trust me — you wouldn’t like her when she’s horny.

The Bill Bixby Lindsay at a Fendi celebration on Wednesday:

I’m sure you’ve lain awake in your bed at night, trying to figure out Leonardo DiCaprio’s secret for scoring such hot lingerie-model kitty. Well, believe it or not, Leo wasn’t always such a ladies’ man. In fact, he graduated from high school jerking it just like you and me. According to Page Six

[Leonardo] was still a virgin at 17, says Russell Crowe in the new issue of Entertainment Weekly, on stands today. “You know, I worked with Leonardo when he was 17 on ‘The Quick and the Dead [1995],’ ” says Crowe. “He was a virgin, and he’d talk about that constantly. So I’m hoping we have some time so he can fill in what’s happened in between, maybe show some photos, because I’m sure life’s different now.”

Maybe show some photos? Yeah, there’s no better way to catch up with friends you haven’t seen in fifteen years than asking to see pictures of their old girlfriends’ vaginas in action. Another sure winner is pouring them a glass of “Jesus Juice” while asking about their children. Or if they ask, “So, what’ve you been up to lately?” you could pull the shotgun down from over the fireplace, pump it once or twice before pointing it at their head and say “Nothin’ you need to worry about, tough guy.” I’ve found that soiling one’s pants is a real conversational icebreaker.

Ex-girlfriend Bar Rafeali at the Galician Lingerie show in Barcelona last week: