^{Video courtesy JoBlo}

This clip from Carmen Electra’s supposedly “leaked” sex tape features no boobies, no vaginas, and hardly any tongue at all. It’s real Rebecca Gayheart home video quality, let me tell you. I’m not going to come straight out and say it’s boring, but you should know I got a bigger boner watching “The Life Cycles of the Mealworm” while alphabetizing my sock drawer. And I don’t even have a penis. So counting this video, that makes two of us with absolutely no wieners at all.

Lots more screen caps after the jump

(more…)

PHOTO CREDIT: ONEXONE.org

The going rate for a hot lesbian kiss with Charlize Theron? $140,000. The actress auctioned off a trip to South Africa, a meet-and-greet with Nelson Mandela, a safari, World Cup tickets and a chance to lay one on her at a live auction for OneXOne charity last night. Us Magazine says

Theron raised the stakes when bidding [for the South Africa package] stalled at $37,000, far below the $280,000 Jeremy Piven had just raised.

To sweeten the pot, she offered up a 7-second kiss for $130,000.

After one man bid $135,000, a woman upped the stakes to $140,000 — ascending the stage for a 20-second smooch as the audience counted down.

You just don’t see enough hot lesbian action when it comes to combating childhood illnesses. I, for one, am glad to live in a world where and “masturbation” and “acute pediatric lymphoblastic leukemia” can be finally used in the same sentence!

Speaking of charity cases, pics of Lindsay Lohan shopping with her tits hanging out:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Several anonymous Transformers 2 crew members posted an open letter about Megan Fox on director Michael Bay’s official website — and they were, uh, less than complimentary, to say the least. The NY Daily News says

“We’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies,” read the letter, which was taken down from the site after being read by thousands of fans. “And yes we’ve had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it’s very cringe-able.

Megan is the queen of… trailer trash and posing like a porn star… [and] a thankless, classless, graceless, unfriendly [bitch].”

Boy, that’s practically word-for-word the toast I used at my stepmom’s bridal shower. Except I closed with “And you’re not the fucking boss of me, Tina!” and slammed the door so hard a picture fell off the wall. I always like to aim for a strong finish.

At NY Fashion Week, plus bonus stills of her making out with Amanda Seyfried in Jennifer’s Body after the jump:

(more…)

It’s long-been rumored that Queen Latifah is really a lesbian, but these pictures of her partying with lady strippers in a Jersey penthouse ought to pretty much seal the deal for any doubters out there. The National Enquirer says

The wild party was held at together on a regular basis for drinks. “Queen Latifah is a part of the regular group, and she was egging on the strippers to be as outrageous as they could be,” said the source.

“The strippers who were invited to the gathering happily joined the party after they performed. There’s a lot of drinking at these gathering and lots of music. Some of the ladies get so amorous that they pair off together.”

Wow. Photoshop in a couple of little girls with their eyes stitched shut doing a backwards crab walk and that picture pretty much constitutes everything my nightmares are made of.

Where I’m from, you know what they call a girl who can outrun her brothers? A virgin. I guess AnnaLynne McCord’s sisters are natural sprinters.

In Malibu yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Oh look, here’s something you don’t see every day–an angry, fat, ugly lesbian! And according Beth Ditto’s Wikipedia entry, a squirrel-eating, no-deodorant, hairy armpitted lesbian! Fatty angry! Fatty smash! Digital Spy gets in on the gorilla action:

Gossip frontwoman Beth Ditto has slammed Katy Perry for being “offensive to gay culture”.

Speaking to Attitude, the singer admitted that she was unhappy with the content of Perry’s signature track ‘I Kissed A Girl’.

“[It's an] anthem for straight girls who like to turn guys on by making out or faking gay,” she explained.

“I hate Katy Perry! I’m so offended. She’s just riding on the backs of our culture, without having to pay any of the dues and not being actually lesbian or anything at all.”

Ditto is not the first celebrity to criticise the track. Last year, Pink suggested that the song “trivialised being gay” and admitted that her gay girlfriends had been “kinda put off by it”.

Well of course she’s angry. I suspect the daughter of Jabba is all pissy because she knows she can’t get her doughnut-glazed lips near Katy Perry’s cooch. I think Katy is annoying as all hell, but at least she doesn’t make Susan Boyle look like a  Jenny Craig spokeswoman.

Here’s pictures of Katy Perry instead because she’s not a sea cow:

Miss California Carrie Prejean might have taken an unpopular stance against gay marriage, but it’s come to light that her own mother feels a bit differently. Turns out ol’ Mommy Prejean is all about the poonanny herself! According to Star Magazine

Miss California USA’s own mother, Francine Coppola, was entangled in a lesbian love affair right up until the night Carrie placed second in the Miss USA contest!

Openly gay sales rep Valerie Vetrano tells Star exclusively, “Yes, Francine and I dated.”

Francine’s family knew nothing of her affair, although during her 1996 divorce from Carrie’s father both made gay allegations against the other.

I was going to try to find a lesbian spin on that old saying “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones,” but you’d be surprised how few metaphors out there reference patchouli and long-sleeved flannel.

At a press conference with Donald Trump and Shanna Moakler:

Since being dumped by Samantha Ronson two weeks ago, Lindsay Lohan has reverted back to her old pre-rehab self: boozing, clubbing, and all the penis she can swallow — including that of British paparazzo Chris Jepson. According to Page Six

On April 15, Lohan and Jepson were inseparable at a Hollywood Hills house party. They even went into a bathroom together and didn’t come out for quite some time.

Friends fear that Lohan is in a “meltdown” situation and has no career to fall back on.

Since the Ronson split, the former starlet has not only gone back to men — she’s also gone back to partying all night, every night. Last week, she hit six clubs in one evening. Lohan doesn’t have a rep and her former publicist didn’t return calls.

Now, let’s see… floundering career, boning the paparazzi, bulimia, drugs, binge drinking, compulsive spending and a very publicly failed relationship. Now why does this sound so familiar? Just give me a minute and I’m sure it’ll come to me.

The picture of health shopping on Melrose with sister Ali:

Hi guys, it’s Sonya today. Here’s some interesting pictures I can across. Interesting if you like pale freckled royal rugmunchers, this is for you! Pictured is British royal Princess Eugenia of York splashing around with some friends on vacation. I don’t know anything about her and I’ve never even heard of her, but I’d say she’s a lot more interesting than Princess Diana ever was. Princess Di was all about charity work and AIDS awareness, blah blah blah. I never saw her boobs being cupped by another woman. Bor-ing!

Now that Fergie’s all done with her honeymoon, she’s back to doing what she does best. No, not pissing her pants — performing, silly! The Daily Mail says

The Black Eyed Peas singer got to grips with a female dancer at a charity concert in Barbados. As her proud husband Josh watched from the front of the stage, Fergie writhed with the scantily-clad dancer… in a bottom-grazing Aztec print dress and thigh-high boots.

The only way you could possibly consider these pictures sexy is if you were an American business man in Thailand who had requested “full contact she-male wrestling.” Pervert.

British singer Lily Allen recently opened up (pun intended) about her lesbian three-way with identical twins. Processing… processing… and nope, I still don’t care about her. She told the Gay Times

“I did once snog identical twins in San Diego. I was on the sofa and I had them both. I was dancing and shoving my ass on one of them. That’s the only time, but I have lesbian dreams a lot.”

She might have called it a “three-way lesbian romp with twins,” but I have another name for it: incest. Really, I can’t imagine anything worse than doing the nasty with my own sister. Except maybe doing it with Lily Allen. Please excuse me while I go gouge out my mind’s eye now.

Photo shoot for “Interview” Magazine:

Lindsay Lohan accompanied girlfriend Samantha Ronson as she was rushed to hospital for an overnight visit yesterday. A bit of the ol’ “monkey poisoning,” perhaps? Not quite. According to Nine MSN

Samantha is suffering from depression and exhaustion.

Oh, she’s tired, is she? Jesus H. It’s not like she’s spending her nights shepherding invalids over the Afghan border in a hand-pulled oxcart. She stands in a fucking booth and scratches records for three hours a day, once, maybe twice a week. You know what I think this little “hospitalization” is really about? Blue Cross/Blue Shield has finally implemented some of my suggestions and starting offering coverage for “ugly.” Now, to the Bat Cave to get the ball rolling on “fat” and “old!” Away!

Leaving Crown Bar this weekend looking more in love than ever: