How come in Hollywood, lesbians look like Amber Heard, but every dyke I know look like this?

I just assumed that Ashton Kutcher’s infidelity was the impetus behind Demi Moore’s filing for divorce, but mysterious sources have since cropped up like warts on the taint of the tabloid media, and they’re alleging that Demi and Ashton had an open marriage the entire time they were together. The Daily Mail says:

It is believed Moore and Kutcher embarked on an ‘open marriage’, with suggestions hinting that the 49-year-old actress is bisexual.

An insider [said]: “Demi is attracted to women just as much as men, so she didn’t always get all she needed from Ashton.”

“Everyone in Hollywood knows about their arrangement, but they’ve managed to keep it a secret from the general public… she was cool with Ashton having flirtatious relationships too. Somehow they made it work all these years. Both of them were respectful of each other. It was a lot of fun for them.”

However, it all changed when Ashton’s affairs became public and that has been the reason for their separation.

Look, I’m about as free-minded as a girl can be, but everybody knows open marriages and threesomes just do not fucking work. As a rule, people don’t like to share. You have to be taught the concept of sharing as a child. It goes against the most basic aspects of human nature. If you were hungry and had a big slice of chocolate cake, you wouldn’t give it to the next dude that walked by, would you? And you sure as hell wouldn’t then stand there watching him eat your cake, waiting for your turn to tap in so you could maybe get a bite of your cake that wasn’t already covered with spittle or semen or your own bitter tears? Of course not. That kinda thing only works out in late-night cable movies.

On vacation in the Caribbean awhile back:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Amber Heard showed up to the premiere of The Rum Diary in a fire engine-red gown slit up to here and towering spike stilettos. The great thing for her about being a lesbian is that she can go home and bitch about how much her shoes were killing her, and her girlfriend can actually sympathize with her instead of giving her a blank stare and the question, “Then why do you wear them if they hurt so much”? I suppose there are benefits to being in a peen-less relationship.

Because “being bisexual” is this year’s “adopting a third-world orphan,” True Blood actress Evan Rachel Wood has come out as a part-time lady-lover in the May issue of Esquire magazine. Radar Online says:

In a new interview with the magazine, Wood [says], “I was always into very androgynous things. Guys, girls… I’m into androgyny in general. I’m up for anything. Meet a nice guy, meet a nice girl…”

So is she switching teams?

When asked by Esquire if she dates women, she proudly stated: “Yes!”

“I’m more kind of like the guy when it comes to girls. I’m the dominant one. I’m opening the doors, I’m buying dinner. Yeah, I’m romantic.”

How is this news, exactly? We already knew she was bisexual. For chrissakes, she dated Marilyn Manson for the last three years. The only way that assclown has any balls is if they’re attached to a big black guy in a gimp mask drilling him from behind.

A 3 minute clip from Tila Tequila’s yet-to-be-released lesbian threesome sex tape has leaked online (watch it here), and mother of God is it disgusting. I actually have a vagina, and even I don’t know what I’m seeing in half of the pics. Like (NSFW) here, for instance. What the fuck IS that? Is it the tip of an elephant’s trunk? The all-seeing eye of Sauron? Am I looking into the Sarlaac in the Great Pit of Carkoon? I don’t know whether to be terrified or aroused, so I’m going to go with my gut and just start drinking.

Puppy thumbnails are extremely NSFW screen caps:

There were rumors Kendra Wilkinson was sitting on (no pun intended) a yet-to-be released lesbian sex tape when she released her first sex tape with Justin Frye last year, and now those rumors have been confirmed. According to Radar Online:

“Kendra has sex in the video with Taryn Ryan,” a source close to the situation [said]. “It’s a long tape, about 45 minutes. And there is nothing left to the imagination.”

The tape was shot by Justin Frye, Kendra’s ex boyfriend and partner in last year’s sex tape.

“Kendra and Taryn started fooling around and then Kendra wanted the light turned off,” the source [revealed]. “But the camera that was recording them had night vision, so it looks like the Paris Hilton porn tape. Everything is completely clear.”

There’s $39.95 I won’t be spending. I am NOT a fan of night vision porn. I don’t like what it does to people’s eyes. Having big glow-y green retinas make you look like some kind of hairless raccoon caught rummaging through an overturned trashcan. And who wants to beat off while thinking of raccoons? Forest rangers, maybe, but I’m not Smokey the fucking Bear. Come on. You gotta work with me, people.

Revisit her first sex tape pics here.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Following in the skanky footsteps of Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus before her, some risque pictures of Disney star Demi Lovato pulling down her shirt and sticking her tongue in another girl’s face surfaced today. I don’t know what the hell’s going on at Disney here lately. At this rate, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to see a video of the Imagination Movers gangbanging Daisy Duck before the year’s over.

“Zombieland” and “Pineapple Express” star Amber Heard officially outed herself at the GLAAD 25th anniversary bash in Hollywood Friday night when she walked down the red carpet with girlfriend of two years Tasya van Ree. Radar Online says:

Amber [explained her decision to come out, saying] she had to ask herself if by being closeted, she was part of the problem in denying “millions of hard-working, tax paying Americans” their rights.

“I think GLAAD is one of the many reasons that I, as a 24-year-old, can come out,” she explained.

Tasya Van Ree is a photographer and artist. She and Heard have quietly been together since 2008 but the GLAAD celebration was their formal coming out as a couple.

I think we all should embrace these brave young women and their courageous decision to come out of the closet. Embrace, and then maybe tickle, and then maybe playfully spank before we disrobe and oil each other up in a bout of frenzied sexual ecstasy. I don’t know any real live lesbians per se, but I know that’s how they do it in the movies my dad watches on Pay-Per-View.

Pics of Amber from Maxim and another almost naked photo shoot:

Now that she’s divorced, Christina Aguilera wasted no time getting her lesbian freak on with Lindsay Lohan’s ex-girlfriend, Samantha Ronson. But wait — it gets even ewww-ier! Nine MSN says:

Samantha’s music producer, Marlon David, got all the gossip on Sam’s orange-est lover – and told UK tabloid The Sun.

“Sam said she had a threesome with Xtina in Mexico last month, that’s when she realized she was a ‘hot piece of ass.’ Sam said Xtina is ‘horny as a college freshman.’”

He also said XTina gave Sam a “Skype peep show.”

W. T. F?! Samantha Ronson looks like the cadaver of a meth addict who died after an extensive battle with AIDS-related Kaposi sarcoma. Maybe Christina just wanted to see what it was like to punch her way out of a grave and eat people’s brains without fear of being judged. I’m sure undead zombie lovers are very understanding that way.

Acting legend Tony Curtis passed away yesterday at the age of 85, but he didn’t have any sex tapes for sale, so you can understand why I have to devote the rest of this post to Hobgoblin of the Orient Tila Tequila. It’s called “pageviews,” people. It’s not my fault that all you want to look at is smut. TMZ says:

There are two [Tila Tequila sex] tapes, two different partners with two different sexes, and two porn companies bidding for both.

Vivid Entertainment wants both the girl-on-girl and guy-on-girl configurations — but another company has already gotten a hold of one of the tapes and is angling for the second.

A source close to the negotiations tells us it’s an all-out porn war.

Just file that one two under “Sex Tapes Nobody Wants to See,” right next to “Screeched: Saved by the Smell” and footage of Rosie O’Donnell defiling herself with a pork tenderloin.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Aniston has finally figured out a way to make you interested in seeing her movies — and it’s not “replacing her with somebody else.” The Daily Mail says:

She is to star in the film Wanderlust, which calls for her to strip off for the first time in her acting career.

Aniston is looking to the Judd Apatow directed film to boost her flagging career.

The film is also likely to include several sex scenes as Aniston’s character sleeps with numerous men at a hippie commune where she is living with her husband, played by Paul Rudd.

Her character also indulges in threesome with two other women and takes drugs.

Nothing conjures up interest in a movie like full frontal nudity. And nothing conjures up a scribner elf like three drops of rain water collected during the waxing phase of the moon, a pinch of Mugwort and six chrysanthemum leaves stirred with a Yew branch at midnight on the first Saturday of the month. Hopefully he’ll want to write about Jennifer Aniston’s new movie when it comes out, because God knows I sure as hell won’t.

Speidi has found yet another way to force me to talk about their stupid sex tape this morning: by claiming one of the alleged tapes features Heidi Montag engaging in some hot girl on girl action with Playmate Karissa Shannon (seen above with her twin sister, or possibly Heidi, because they all look the fucking same anyway). TMZ says:

Spencer was at the Malibu house he once shared with Heidi moving out some of his stuff [when] came upon a camera with XXX video of Heidi and Karissa — and the light bulb went off.

Sources say it was then that Spencer decided he could make a fortune selling his “library” to Vivid Entertainment — much of it featuring naked, fornicating Speidi.

And what is that asking price for the sex tape(s)? Put your pinky to the corner of your mouth and grab a bald cat before you read any further, because it’s… five million dollars! Mwah ha ha ha! According to TMZ:

Spencer Pratt has a price in mind for the Heidi Montag sex tape — $5,000,000 — and sources close to the deal [say] that Vivid doesn’t think the figure is “an unreasonable price.”

Spencer [claims] he has an “entire website’s” worth of footage, saying, “I will knock Club Jenna out of the water.”

Spencer went on to say he thinks releasing the tapes will be good for Heidi, saying, “When I realized how much Kim [Kardashian] was making, my logic is this is the best thing I can do for my ex-wife. Kim is on the cover of Allure right now. Heidi isn’t on the cover of Allure.”

I didn’t realize that the secret to landing beauty magazine covers was scissoring another girl while your husband films it or letting a black guy pee on you on the internet. So what happens if a black guy pees on you WHILE you’re scissoring a girl on the internet, then? If my math is correct — and it usually is — that’s when you’ll shed your human form and be revealed as the Antichrist offspring of Rupert Murdoch and MTV.