Now that she’s divorced, Christina Aguilera wasted no time getting her lesbian freak on with Lindsay Lohan’s ex-girlfriend, Samantha Ronson. But wait — it gets even ewww-ier! Nine MSN says:

Samantha’s music producer, Marlon David, got all the gossip on Sam’s orange-est lover – and told UK tabloid The Sun.

“Sam said she had a threesome with Xtina in Mexico last month, that’s when she realized she was a ‘hot piece of ass.’ Sam said Xtina is ‘horny as a college freshman.’”

He also said XTina gave Sam a “Skype peep show.”

W. T. F?! Samantha Ronson looks like the cadaver of a meth addict who died after an extensive battle with AIDS-related Kaposi sarcoma. Maybe Christina just wanted to see what it was like to punch her way out of a grave and eat people’s brains without fear of being judged. I’m sure undead zombie lovers are very understanding that way.

Acting legend Tony Curtis passed away yesterday at the age of 85, but he didn’t have any sex tapes for sale, so you can understand why I have to devote the rest of this post to Hobgoblin of the Orient Tila Tequila. It’s called “pageviews,” people. It’s not my fault that all you want to look at is smut. TMZ says:

There are two [Tila Tequila sex] tapes, two different partners with two different sexes, and two porn companies bidding for both.

Vivid Entertainment wants both the girl-on-girl and guy-on-girl configurations — but another company has already gotten a hold of one of the tapes and is angling for the second.

A source close to the negotiations tells us it’s an all-out porn war.

Just file that one two under “Sex Tapes Nobody Wants to See,” right next to “Screeched: Saved by the Smell” and footage of Rosie O’Donnell defiling herself with a pork tenderloin.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Aniston has finally figured out a way to make you interested in seeing her movies — and it’s not “replacing her with somebody else.” The Daily Mail says:

She is to star in the film Wanderlust, which calls for her to strip off for the first time in her acting career.

Aniston is looking to the Judd Apatow directed film to boost her flagging career.

The film is also likely to include several sex scenes as Aniston’s character sleeps with numerous men at a hippie commune where she is living with her husband, played by Paul Rudd.

Her character also indulges in threesome with two other women and takes drugs.

Nothing conjures up interest in a movie like full frontal nudity. And nothing conjures up a scribner elf like three drops of rain water collected during the waxing phase of the moon, a pinch of Mugwort and six chrysanthemum leaves stirred with a Yew branch at midnight on the first Saturday of the month. Hopefully he’ll want to write about Jennifer Aniston’s new movie when it comes out, because God knows I sure as hell won’t.

Speidi has found yet another way to force me to talk about their stupid sex tape this morning: by claiming one of the alleged tapes features Heidi Montag engaging in some hot girl on girl action with Playmate Karissa Shannon (seen above with her twin sister, or possibly Heidi, because they all look the fucking same anyway). TMZ says:

Spencer was at the Malibu house he once shared with Heidi moving out some of his stuff [when] came upon a camera with XXX video of Heidi and Karissa — and the light bulb went off.

Sources say it was then that Spencer decided he could make a fortune selling his “library” to Vivid Entertainment — much of it featuring naked, fornicating Speidi.

And what is that asking price for the sex tape(s)? Put your pinky to the corner of your mouth and grab a bald cat before you read any further, because it’s… five million dollars! Mwah ha ha ha! According to TMZ:

Spencer Pratt has a price in mind for the Heidi Montag sex tape — $5,000,000 — and sources close to the deal [say] that Vivid doesn’t think the figure is “an unreasonable price.”

Spencer [claims] he has an “entire website’s” worth of footage, saying, “I will knock Club Jenna out of the water.”

Spencer went on to say he thinks releasing the tapes will be good for Heidi, saying, “When I realized how much Kim [Kardashian] was making, my logic is this is the best thing I can do for my ex-wife. Kim is on the cover of Allure right now. Heidi isn’t on the cover of Allure.”

I didn’t realize that the secret to landing beauty magazine covers was scissoring another girl while your husband films it or letting a black guy pee on you on the internet. So what happens if a black guy pees on you WHILE you’re scissoring a girl on the internet, then? If my math is correct — and it usually is — that’s when you’ll shed your human form and be revealed as the Antichrist offspring of Rupert Murdoch and MTV.

I’m wrapping up the day with some lesbo action from Queen Latifah and her lady, Jeanette Jenkins. I’d definitely say Queen Latifah got the better end of the deal here. This all goes to show you that even if you’re not a man, you can still get someone out of your league if you’re rich and famous. Of course, Queenie could be really sweet and have a nice personality blah blah blah but I’m too much of a cynical bitch to make that my first guess. It’s the money and fame, dammit.

In France, hanging with Alicia Keys and her new husband Swizz Beatz (tee hee):

Picture Source: Bauer-Griffin

Lindsay Lohan is back on the labia — she reportedly has a new former Isreali soldier girlfriend in her life (the hot little number above). According to Nine MSN:

The lady-loving star has been getting pretty close to Israeli beauty Eilat Anschel.

Eilat, who completed compulsory service in the Israeli army several years ago, started out as a good “shoulder to cry on” for Lindsay. And now Lindsay’s completely obsessed.

“It’s not the healthiest relationship in the world,” says [a] source.

Apparently, she’s not so obsessed that she can’t invited dudes into her apartment at four in the morning and fuck them until their genitals chafe. Like rugby star Danny Cipriani, for example. The Daily Mail says:

[Lohan and Cipriani] were first spotted together as they left Los Angeles nightclub The Tea Room on Thursday night.

Rugby player Cipriani, who recently split from British model Kelly Brook, was spotted entering Lindsay’s apartment at around 4am just 24 hours after their first date.

From lingerie model Kelly Brook (see here, here, here and here) to Lindsay Lohan (see here, here, here and here). That’s like trading in your magic genie lamp for a butter churn that farts glitter.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

I guess “The Empire Strikes Back” isn’t the only sequel that was better than the original — a second Kendra Wilkinson sex tape has emerged, this one depicting everybody’s favorite Girl Next Door engaged in some hot girl-on-girl action. Radar Online says

Kendra’s partner in the explicit home video is a woman named Taryn.

Two sources who have seen the tape confirmed that sex toys were involved. Multiple partners are featured having intimate relations with the reality television star.

“This is really, really graphic and showing her in compromising positions; things you would think would be embarrassing for her,” said a source.

Vivid is reportedly also in possession of the lesbian sex tape.

Sources confirmed Kendra filmed the video with Taryn sometime before she moved in with Hugh Hefner.

It’s smart that her latest sex tape caters to a relatively mainstream demographic. Everybody likes lesbians. Unlike Russian Anal Pantyhose fetishes, which almost nobody likes. I just wish I had known that before I launched my website.

Before pregnancy:

After pregnancy:

Lindsay Lohan supposedly has a new “cougar lesbian lover” — 36-year old photographer and reality-show star Indrani, half of the renown photography duo Markus Klinko & Indrani. Lindsay has reportedly been seeing Indrani (alias Julia Pal-Chaudhuri) since they worked on a photo shoot together last fall. The NY Post says

Sources say Lohan and Indrani have been on a series of dates in LA and recently spent the night at Lohan’s hotel.

Indrani told The Post, “We have been spending a lot of time together. I have never had a relationship with a woman before, but Lindsay is just somebody who I find fascinating, gorgeous and extremely smart, as well as super-hot. Lindsay gets a lot of bad press, but she’s a really strong, creative woman and is trying really hard to get her life in a good, positive place.”

[Indrani's photography partner Markus Klinko said], “Lindsay and Indrani have been seeing each other since we shot her last fall. I’ve seen them on dates, I have seen them making out… Indrani is a good influence on Lindsay — a Princeton graduate, she’s into art and is a philanthropist — not what you’d expect the typical girl for Lindsay to go out with. When they are together, they talk about art and the deeper meaning in life.”

But apparently this is all news to Lindsay. She told the Daily Mail

“No, no, no… in NO way am I dating her.”

Well, drunken make-out sessions and hotel sleepovers don’t necessarily mean you’re dating. At least that’s what that guy told me when I hacked his Facebook account to change his status to “in a relationship” and changed his wallpaper to a giant picture of me holding a gun.

A few more from the Indrani-Klinko photo shoot:

PHOTO CREDIT: Markus Klinko & Indrani

People magazine had a topsecret exclusive celebrity-coming-out-of-the-closet interview set to hit newsstands this week, only TMZ found out who the mystery gay was and effectively pissed all over their parade:

The big “coming out” announcement planned for this week will be … country star Chely Wright.

Wright has a book coming out this week as well — it’s called “Like Me.” And she has a CD coming out too — called “Lifted Off the Ground.”

Wright is the first major country artist ever to come out. It’s unclear how traditionally-conservative country fans will react.

Chely Wright had one song that topped the charts eleven years ago and one ACM award back in 1999, meaning she’s completely obsolete in every sense of the word. But now that’s she’s the “first ever country music singer to come out as a gay,” her CD (which drops tomorrow!) and book (available now!) are suddenly financially viable. Bullshit. This whole thing is one great big marketing maneuver. If her coming out of the closet were any more fucking calculated, you’d need an old-timey adding machine with a lever and one of those green plastic visors.

An unauthorized Oprah Winfrey biography coming to bookstores near you later this month claims not only did the talk show host completely fabricate her claims of childhood sexual abuse and poverty, but that she also paid off former lovers in an attempt to keep her sexual orientation under wraps. The Daily Mail says

Winfrey claimed she was so poor she never had any new clothes or toys and adopted two cockroaches as pets. But her family insisted Winfrey was ‘spoiled’ as a child.

‘Where Oprah got that nonsense about growing up in filth and roaches I have no idea,’ claimed her cousin. ‘I’ve confronted her and asked, “Why do you tell such lies?” Oprah told me, “That’s what people want to hear.”‘

She reportedly paid people off to prevent them speaking out about her alleged lesbian affairs and allegedly maintained a long-term relationship with [Stedman] Graham in order to appeal to her largely female audience — the pair do not even share a bedroom.

[Author Kitty] Kelley claims Winfrey paid one ex-boyfriend [$62,000] not to talk about her alleged lesbian affairs and the fact that her brother, who died of AIDS, was gay.

Interesting fact about the author: she has never been successfully sued for libel or forced to retract any of her written claims, so the chances of these allegations being true are pretty good. Not that it will sway Oprah’s target demographic either way. Middle-aged white women simply can’t be plied from the teat of the mighty O. She farts out exactly the kind of self-actualizing bullshit that overweight and unhappily married 40-something women want to hear. I guess that “embracing the authentic self” is a lesson better taught than applied when your authentic self turns out to be a big fat lesbian liar.

Barfity barf barf BARF! Who thinks mega cooze Tila Tequila would make a good surrogate mother? Her brother and sister-in-law do, apparently.  The Apocalypse will shortly ensue.  Says NYDailyNews,

The 27-year-old (whose real name is Tila Ngyuen) tweeted her “big announcement” on Sunday, “I am going to become a SURROGATE MOTHER for my brother and his Wife!!…That is my xmas present to them.”

Though Tila has not revealed any new details about the decision, she did recently receive a pretty huge gift of her own – a 17-carat diamond engagement ring from heiress Casey Johnson.

“My baby takes care of me,” Tila recently said in a video blog. “Beat that J.Lo! Beat that Khloe and Lamar!”

We can probably look forward to rises to a new level of skank while she’s pregnant, like taking video of herself masturbating or something else equally deviant. Poor kid is going to come out traumatized. I wouldn’t trust a dog I liked with her. Not because she’s Vietnamese and would eat it, but because she’s probably have sex with it.

With her “fiancée” Casey Johnson, showing off her 17-carat “engagement” ring, plus bending over so she can show where the baby will come out:

PHOTO SOURCE: PACIFIC COAST NEWS

I don’t know how this stupid bitch has managed to convince people she’s a celebrity, but former America’s Next Top Model winner Adrianne Curry has found herself in the limelight once again, thanks to pictures of her titty-sandwiching a Darth Vader dildo and playing World of Warcraft naked. She posted the above picture over the weekend and tweeted

jumping into shower. going to spend my afternoon playing World Of Warcraft butt naked & stoned. Perfect Sunday!

According to my eHarmony profile, my perfect Sunday consists of long walks on the beach, snuggling in front of a fire, and arranging my Beanie Babies in alphabetical order after dressing my two cats in footie pajamas and making them pretend to nurse from me. Yet nobody ever calls.

Oh, hey, look — she’s a naked lesbian now zzzzz….: