God. Damn. Salma. Hayek. That is all.
Arriving at Letterman (row 1) and on the red carpet at the Puss in Boots premiere:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Transformers director Michael Bay is a complete idiot who mistakes “big” and “loud” for “plot,” but the man never skimps on quality T&A. Case in point, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. It’s gonna take a whole lotta sideboob to make me forget jive-talking robots and robot testicles, but I’m willing to give it the ol’ college try. And by “ol’ college try” I mean “masturbate.” Just so we’re on the same page here.
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Eva Longoria went on Letterman last night wearing the latest from Antoine Merriweather’s formal wear line to promote her new cookbook that no one will ever buy, but before you interrupt with “BORING!” and “zzzzzzzz,” you should know that halfway through the interview, her jacket button pops open and she flashes the audience. Except not really. Instead she’s just sitting there and suddenly squeals, “Ooh, my button!” and makes a big show of grabbing at her non-existent tits and clutching her jacket together to cover herself, even though nobody, including Letterman, can see anything. So basically, it’s just her shamelessly fishing for media coverage this morning with a fake nipslip, which of course now she gets because I’m a slave to pageviews. If you want to thank anybody, thank yourselves, “Natalie Portman anus” and “Demi Moore bush” googlers. Don’t pretend like you don’t know who you are.
The Daily Mail says these pics of a shirtless Justin Bieber were sent by the Bieb himself to girlfriend Selena Gomez, but I don’t know if I believe it. They look more like the photos they pull off the hard drives of those guys on “To Catch a Predator.”
Less uncomfortable pics of Justin arriving at Letterman:
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
What the overly-tanned hell is this? At first glance I thought this was Joan Collins caught in dark lighting or something. But it turns out to be Snooki looking like a goddammed Disney villain. I can only hope that develops hemophilia and pricks her finger on a stray thorn in that bouquet and bleeds to death. I’ve never even seen that show and I detest her. Can you imagine how much more I would hate her if I did? Coming back to the Joan Collins thing, I’d like to suggest a new show for her: Die-Nasty.
Her Royal Stumpiness at David Letterman (bet she bought herself the roses):
Anne Heche wouldn’t shut the fuck up about ex-husband Coley Lafoon on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. People Magazine says
“Can you say ‘lazy ass’ on TV?” Heche, 40, asked when he inquired about her ex, the father of her 7-year-old son, Homer.
When asked by Letterman what Laffoon does for a living, Heche [told] the audience: “He goes out to the mailbox and he opens up the little mailbox door and goes, ‘Oh! I got a check from Anne! Oh! I got a check from Anne! Yay!’ ”
“Don’t get married,” the actress advised. “Forever engaged is a wonderful romantic thing to do.”
Hey, remember that time Anne Heche said she was God and that she would take everyone back to heaven in her spaceship as soon as she took a shower at the house of the stranger onto whose doorstep she’d wandered? It was right after she took a bunch of ecstasy and recovered the repressed memory about her gay father molesting her and giving her herpes. But no, let’s talk about her vitriol for her ex-husband instead. That stuff’s waaay more interesting.
PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News
Britney Spears made a “surprise” appearance on Letterman last night for the first time since announcing her divorce from husband Kevin Federline in 2006, reading off the night’s Top Ten Ways the Country Would be Different if Britney Spears Were President in a little black bikini:
10. I’d be the first president to wear eyeshadow since Nixon
9. We would only invade fun places, like Cabo
8. Free pie for everybody
7. My situation room would be a cabana at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas
6. I’d lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance “Circus Fantasy”
5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes
4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy
3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade
2. Three words: Vice President Diddy
1. Finally, the media would pay some attention to me!
Those were lame and uninspired. Kind of like Letterman’s show for the last three years. So, as a gift to you, I present my own Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different if Britney Spears Were President:
10. Laxatives replace bald eagle as national bird
9. New anthem: “Oops, I Did it Again” club remix
8. Air Force One repainted pink and upholstered in glitter
7. New “I’ve shown you mine, now show me yours” policy regarding foreign heads of state
6. Government subsidizing for Frito-Lay and Hostess
5. Inauguration dinner at the Taco Bell
4. The President’s cabinet: Red Bull, Vodka, Correctol, and Xanax
3. All national addresses to be lipsynched and choreographed and accompanied by two submissives in tutus suspended from a ceiling cable.
2. New flag contains 5150 stars
and the number one way the Country Would Be Different if Britney Spears Were President
1. Read my “lips”: No new underpants!
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