Anne Heche wouldn’t shut the fuck up about ex-husband Coley Lafoon on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. People Magazine says

“Can you say ‘lazy ass’ on TV?” Heche, 40, asked when he inquired about her ex, the father of her 7-year-old son, Homer.

When asked by Letterman what Laffoon does for a living, Heche [told] the audience: “He goes out to the mailbox and he opens up the little mailbox door and goes, ‘Oh! I got a check from Anne! Oh! I got a check from Anne! Yay!’ ”

“Don’t get married,” the actress advised. “Forever engaged is a wonderful romantic thing to do.”

Hey, remember that time Anne Heche said she was God and that she would take everyone back to heaven in her spaceship as soon as she took a shower at the house of the stranger onto whose doorstep she’d wandered? It was right after she took a bunch of ecstasy and recovered the repressed memory about her gay father molesting her and giving her herpes. But no, let’s talk about her vitriol for her ex-husband instead. That stuff’s waaay more interesting.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Britney Spears made a “surprise” appearance on Letterman last night for the first time since announcing her divorce from husband Kevin Federline in 2006, reading off the night’s Top Ten Ways the Country Would be Different if Britney Spears Were President in a little black bikini:

10. I’d be the first president to wear eyeshadow since Nixon

9. We would only invade fun places, like Cabo

8. Free pie for everybody

7. My situation room would be a cabana at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas

6. I’d lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance “Circus Fantasy”

5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes

4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy

3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade

2. Three words: Vice President Diddy

1. Finally, the media would pay some attention to me!

Those were lame and uninspired. Kind of like Letterman’s show for the last three years. So, as a gift to you, I present my own Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different if Britney Spears Were President:

10. Laxatives replace bald eagle as national bird

9. New anthem: “Oops, I Did it Again” club remix

8. Air Force One repainted pink and upholstered in glitter

7. New “I’ve shown you mine, now show me yours” policy regarding foreign heads of state

6. Government subsidizing for Frito-Lay and Hostess

5. Inauguration dinner at the Taco Bell

4. The President’s cabinet: Red Bull, Vodka, Correctol, and Xanax

3. All national addresses to be lipsynched and choreographed and accompanied by two submissives in tutus suspended from a ceiling cable.

2. New flag contains 5150 stars

and the number one way the Country Would Be Different if Britney Spears Were President

1. Read my “lips”: No new underpants!