Matthew McConaughey is taking a page from the aboriginal tribes of Australia and planting his newborn son’s placenta in an orchard. Yummy! He told CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta

“It’s going to be in the orchards and it’s going to bear some wonderful fruit. When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river… and all the placentas of whatever aboriginal tribe that was, all the placentas went under that one tree and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength.

This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous.”

Well, who doesn’t love the smell of freshly-tilled placenta decomposing in the heat of a August afternoon? I know I do. I’ve just recently taken to menstruating on my backyard compost heap myself. The tough part is going to be keeping Tom Cruise from sneaking in with a pint of barely water for a little ephemeral organ late night snack. I hear Scientologists can smell a placenta from a distance of fifty paces!

Matthew doing what he does best earlier this summer:

Levi McConaughey makes his debut appearance on the cover of this week’s OK! Magazine, along with Daddy Matthew and Mommy Camila. Matthew was in the room with Camila during the delivery, and was more than happy to divulge all the birthing details:

“We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music. We were jamming! She was sweating. No painkiller, let’s go. She just clicked into that gear that only a woman has at a time like this. [I said,] ‘Let’s handle this… let’s stay in the rhythm. Don’t let the contraction be more than you.’”

I can’t think of anything worse for the birthing experience than Matthew McConaughey “going tribal” in between my legs while a seven pound larva tries to rip its way out of my vagina. Maybe Robin Williams with a kazoo doing the Duttywine in between my legs while a seven pound larva rips its way out of my vagina, but it’s a distant second.