A 2006 legal document has been revealed in which Gary Coleman states he did NOT want to be taken off life support in the event he were ever in a coma. Coleman, you’ll remember, died when ex-wife Shannon Price took him off life support after he fell into a coma. Um… whoopsie. Radar Online says

The Utah Valley Regional Medical Centre [is] investigating the emergence of a new document [in which] Coleman specifically directed that he did not want anyone to pull the plug on his life support if he was ever in that situation.

In a 2006 document, Coleman checked a box titled “Choice to Prolong Life” which states, “I want my life to be prolonged as long as possible within the limits of generally accepted health care standards.”

The other option Coleman had — “Choice Not to Prolong Life” — was left unchecked.

Also checked on the document were the boxes “I Want to Be Taken Seriously” and “No One is to Refer to Me as ‘Webster’ or Use the Phrase ‘Whachu Talkin Bout Willis’ in My Presence.’” God only knows how many of this poor man’s wishes have been so wrongfully disregarded by the staff of the Utah Valley Regional Medical Centre and the public at large.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes, that’s Jenny McCarthy in a bikini instead of Gary Coleman, because Gary Coleman looked like this when he died.

I guess nine is the magic number when it comes to extramarital affairs, because Tiger Woods’ wife has packed up her shit and moved out. The Daily Mail says

Elin Nordegren, the mother of Woods’ two young children, has moved out of the family home and is now living in a nearby house.

According to Swedish newspapers she bought Faglaro Mansion, which sits on an island close to Stockholm, with her sister rather than with her husband.

And it seems that Tiger may not have just had a penchant for the poonanny in all this — it’s being reported today that he was rushed to hospital for a suspected overdose the day he crashed his car outside his house:

The star’s wife, Elin Nordegren, gave paramedics at the hospital two bottles of [Tiger's] prescription drugs, Vicodin painkillers and Ambien sleeping pills [after his crash].

He was said to have been having trouble breathing, was falling in and out of consciousness and doctors even had to use a tube to help him breathe.

Woods was said to have been drinking and taking Ambien and Vicodin on the night he crashed his car outside the family home.

And speaking of unconscious and unable to breathe, an unidentified blond woman was rushed from Tiger’s home “on advanced life support” at 2:30 this morning. TMZ says

A middle-aged, blond woman was taken to the hospital early this morning. We have now confirmed the call came from Tiger’s address. We also know a younger blond woman followed the ambulance to the hospital. And, as we reported, Elin’s mom is in the U.S. to be with her daughter. An ambulance reportedly raced to Tiger Woods’ block in Windermere, FL overnight — and transported a middle-aged woman to the hospital … but there are conflicting reports.

So, clearly, Tiger tried to slip a little arsenic into Elin’s Ovaltine and his mother-in-law accidentally drank it instead. That’s one you can’t bounce back from. The public will forgive the occasional wandering penis and addiction issues, even excuse child rape if your last name is Polanski, but you don’t get carte blanche when it comes to killing people just because you’re famous. That only works if you’re drunk and hit them with your car. Just ask the NFL!

UPDATE: TMZ is now confirming that the mystery woman was Elin’s mother, who went to the hospital with “stomach pains” and is in stable condition.

Mike Tyson’s 4-year-old daughter Exodus is on life support today after somehow getting her neck caught in a treadmill cable over the weekend. People Magazine says

The girl was reportedly found by her 7-year-old brother with her neck caught in a cable attached to a treadmill.

The boy alerted the girl’s mother in another room. Her mother called 911 and tried to revive her. Mike Tyson was said to be in Las Vegas at the time of the accident, but has returned home.

Phoenix police told FOX News, “Somehow she was playing on this treadmill, and there’s a cord that hangs under the console – it’s kind of a loop. Either she slipped or put her head in the loop, but it acted like a noose, and she was obviously unable to get herself off of it.”

Emergency personnel performed CPR on Exodus, who was rushed to St. Joseph’s Hospital where she remains on life support. [Officers] described her condition as “extremely critical.”

If there’s one thing my years as a professional journalist have taught me, it’s that innocent children on hovering on the edge of death aren’t exactly “snark material,” so enjoy these pictures of Kim Kardashian in a bikini instead. And then go hug your kid if you have one.

UPDATE: TMZ is now reporting that Exodus died at 11:45 this morning. So, so sad.