Break out your hankies, boys and girls — Lily Allen is retiring from music. The Sun says

Lily Allen has confirmed she will never make another album.

She wrote [on her new blog]: “Just so you know, I have not renegotiated my record contract and have no plans to make another record. The days of me making money from recording music has been and gone as far as I’m concerned.”

The 24-year-old star is now focusing on her appearance in a London theatre production called Reasons to be Pretty. “The play is about themes close to my heart, about the really damaging cult of beauty among young girls,” [Lily said].

I’m glad young girls will have a strong feminine icon like Lily to look up to so they can finally escape that “damaging cult of beauty.” A belligerent, yo-yo dieting, coke-binging, titty-flashing piss-ass drunk of an icon. Amy Winehouse was probably too busy.

Lily in this month’s GQ, plus some more behind the scene shots of Lily in her underpants — and some NSFW completely topless — after the jump

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The first thing I thought of when I saw this picture of 24-year old Lily Allen sucking her thumb in next month’s issue of Elle magazine was the time my Uncle Lloyd got wasted at my sister’s wedding and finished his toast with, “Wanna know what the best thing about having sex with twenty-four year olds is? That there’s twenty of ‘em! Ha hahaha ha!” That was also the same year my Aunt Tina got arrested for stabbing him in the neck with a lawn dart at a pee-wee football game. True fucking story. Really, you can’t make this shit up.

You don’t usually see eye makeup like Lily Allen’s here unless it’s accompanied by a series of clicks and whistles and the hurling of spears at anyone who gets too close to the sacred goat. I would have mentioned the AIDS and illiteracy, but I figured that was already implied. No sense in being redundant!

In London last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Remember when my beloved Lily Allen and I were in a fight for, like, a million years?  And then we came to a tenuous understanding, but it was still awkward and gross because I had a lot of suppressed anger and so everything was passive aggressive and lame?  Well, that’s all behind us now, because Lily made it up to me by wearing a panda suit for no discernible reason in the new issue of i-D magazine.  The cuteness… it is killing me.  Anyway, Lily and I have truly reconciled and I’m so relieved, because it upsets me terribly when my imaginary friendships hit a rough patch.  Now Lily Allen Cutewatch ‘09 can get back to blowing our minds with adorableness.

You pervs will probably be more interested in the fact that besides donning a fuzzy animal costume, Lily also went topless in the new issue of i-D magazine:

Lily performing at Somerset House on Saturday:

Oh my God, you guys, GET EXCITED.  It’s the triumphant return of Lily Allen Cutewatch ‘09!  Lily and I have been in a fight for so long, I was beginning to fear we would never mend our rift.  I still really miss the days when my beloved Lily would let her freak flag fly and just be all crazy in public, but sedate airport pictures are better than no pictures at all.

Arriving in Sydney for a stop on her world tour:

Lily Allen wrapped up the US leg of her tour last week in NYC, and according to her Twitter she’s been holed up at home in the UK ever since, doing adorable stuff like eating her mum’s mac & cheese and watching television in bed.  That would all be well and good, if only she’d post some goddamn pictures of the cuteness.  But noooooooo, apparently my beloved Lily and I are STILL in a fight, and she continues to hurt me by hiding her light under a bushel or some shit.  It’s like she WANTS the Cutewatch to turn elsewhere for comfort!

Fine, Lily.  Have it your way.

Gratuitous baby animal cuteness posted in heartbroken despair:

My beloved Lily Allen and I are still in a fight, it seems, because there are (once again) no new pictures of her today.  These are from last Thursday (I think) and are of Lily in D.C.  They are not particularly exciting, but Lily is still adorable enough to make my teeth hurt.  She is also once again playing peek-a-boo, and y’all know how much I love it when that happens.  However, I must say that my heart aches for the Lily of yore, who would run around wasted, sometimes with pink hair and possibly wearing underoos as formalwear.  Wherefore art thou, fair deranged moppet?  I miss you.  Come back to me!

In other news, I am starting to run out of silly sequel subtitles (but not consonance, apparently) and have been forced to resort to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II.  Times are desperate, sweetings.  Please leave me some movie sequel subtitles in the comments so that I don’t have to someday sink to the level of Pig in the City.  Lily Allen Cutewatch ‘09 deserves so much better than that!

Lily arriving by train to Washington, DC:

Heading to her tour bus after a concert at the 9:30 Club:

Since today is Friday it should be totally awesome and gorgeous, so I don’t know why it has such halitosis and varicose veins.  The most interesting things that have happened all day involved the spawning of a couple who hasn’t been famous in half a decade and the imaginary matrimonial shenanigans of a pretend couple who should never have been famous in the first place.  Furthermore, there haven’t been any new Lily Allen pictures in a WHOLE WEEK.

What the hell, Lily?  I know you’ve been busy with your super charming concert ticket scavenger hunts on Twitter (they even involve poems!) but this lack of photos is ridiculous.  I’m not sure what kind of road show you think I’m running here, but how am I supposed to conduct the Cutewatch without twee pictures of your adorable self?  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am putting your ass on notice.  I am officially pissed at you, and shall remain so until you return to cavorting in public where people can photograph you for my enjoyment.

Lily on Jimmy Kimmel last week:

Lily Allen performed in Los Angeles last night on the second stop of her US tour.  She wore glittery hot pants at one point, because why wouldn’t she?  Cute people can wear whatever the fuck they want.  It’s true.  Lily also drank three glasses of white wine, which was apparently just sufficient to convince her it was a good idea to let Lindsay Lohan climb up on stage and shake her ginger ass.

Whatever.  Nobody cares about stupid dumb Lindsay Lohan.  Hopefully she’ll die of malnutrition one of these days, and her tombstone will read, “Man cannot live by Red Bull alone”, and we’ll finally be rid of her.  In the meantime, let’s focus on what’s important: not only did dear Lily wear glittery hotpants, but she also brought back the bunny ears (!!!) and, because she hearts me so hard, she finally wore a doofy hat again.  I love it when hats happen.  Oh, Lily.  Shine on, lil star!

With La Lohan:

Workin’ her adorable little heart out:

Holy shit, you guys.  My beloved Lily Allen might be quitting music!  From MTV UK:

Lily Allen has announced that her current tour could be her last after revealing that she might be retiring from music.

The singer, 23, told The London Lite: “I am definitely considering quitting music.”

Lily, whose latest album It’s Not Me, It’s You stormed the UK charts also revealed that she has a few new ideas for future ventures:

“After this album and tour I have a brand new business I am setting up, but I can’t say what it is yet.”

She is also rumoured to be opening up a fancy dress shop with her brother Alfie’s fiancée, Dead Set actress Jamie Winstone.

This makes me a sad panda.  Unless… does this “fancy dress shop” involve costumes?  I love it when costumes happen!  Actually, Lily can pretty much do whatever she wants and my love for her will survive, so long as she doesn’t go gently into that good night.  What the hell would Cutewatch ‘09 be without fair Lily?  Am I supposed to embark on a fictional platonic love affair with the likes of Britney Spears?  Fuck that noise.  That bitch is crazy!

[Header image is courtesy of Twitpic and shows Lily on a rooftop pool in San Diego yesterday before the kickoff of her US tour].

Lily Allen is back on the heartbreak bandwagon and is giving me the cold shoulder by providing me with no new pictures today.  Thanks to TwitPic, however, Lily Allen Cutewatch ‘09 survives to fight another day.  Remember the ducky outfit?  Well, these aren’t quite as mind-blowingly adorable as that was, but they’re still pretty goddamn cute.  As with the ducky outfit, I have no earthly idea why costumes happened, but it’s not really my practice to question the cuteness.  I just hope she someday dresses up as either a koala or a frog.  I honestly don’t care why, just so long as it happens.  Preferably sooner rather than later.  Get on that, Lily!

Lily in a monkey hat, a panda suit, and a beer hat:

The adorable saga of Lily Allen Cutewatch ‘09 continues with these delightful pictures of everyone’s favourite crazypants moppet going to In-N-Out after she flew in from London yesterday (which, of course, you would already know about if you follow her on Twitter).  Sadly, dear Lily wasn’t wearing anything totally bonkers, but she made it up to me by doing some kind of weird dance.  Or possibly having a seizure.  I don’t really know what the hell’s going on in some of these pictures, actually, but I like it.  I like it a lot.