Lily Allen got drunk and belligerent last night at the GQ Man of the Year Awards, which is awesome in and of itself, but especially awesome when you consider she was the one hosting the awards show. According to the Daily Mail

When Miss Allen came to announce ‘…and now the most important part of the night’, [so-host] Elton John chipped in ‘What? Are you going to have another drink?’ She fired back: ‘Fuck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!’

The shocked audience fell silent. A clearly rattled Elton replied ‘I could still snort you under the table’. To which she replied: ‘Fuck off. I don’t know what you are talking about.’ When Sir Elton made reference to 82-year-old crooner Tony Bennett’s age as he was given the Inspiration Award, Miss Allen interrupted: “I’ll still fuck him.”

She also drunkenly blurted out the news that her brother had got engaged to girlfriend Jaime Winston, much to the couple’s shock since they had not even circulated the news among their friends.

Miss Allen could be seen pouring herself champagne from a bottle she had hidden behind the lectern, gulping it down in between awards, and finally slumping down at the back of the stage. Such was her state that she barely made it off the stage after the awards ended. She went on to drink even more champagne at the afterparty and had to be helped out to her car by her ever-present bodyguard.

I remember my guidance counselor telling me that binge-drinking to the point of black out was just a “cry for help.” But did you also that it’s also a cry for “I’ll let you put it in my bottom” and “please feel free to take my wallet”? Some of us had to learn that lesson the hard way.

Singer Lily Allen pulled an Amy Winehouse early this morning, tossing a couple of drunken punches at a fellow club-goer after an all-night drinking session in Soho. The Daily Mail says

Lily reacted after being heckled as she left Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club at 2am. With a short reach, the punch appeared to fail to connect. The singer’s friends managed to restrain Lily, persuading her to get into a car. Lily’s target appeared to laugh off the attack, looking more bemused than terrified.

I always imagined getting hit by drunken chubby girl fists would feel like being pummeled by two giant marshmallows. Two sweaty, out-of-breath marshmallows that smell like donuts and shame. Frankly, I’ve seen better right hooks crocheting a sweater. Lily Allen ain’t got nothin’ on my grandma.

Not like you haven’t seen it 4,307 times before, but a nip slip in #5:

Lindsay Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson have patched things up after a very public lovers’ quarrel over the weekend. The Daily Mail says

The pair had a huge fight during dinner at Katsuya restaurant, with one onlooker [saying]: ‘Lindsay kept ignoring Sam all night long as they ate. Then she [Lindsay] made a huge scene and stormed off.’

However the pair had worked out their differences by yesterday afternoon. Samantha was spotted visiting Lindsay on set of her new film Labor Pains, where she received a very warm embrace from the actress.

It’s always nice when lesbians kiss and make up. Even better when they invite the rest of their lesbian girlfriends over for a little lingerie pillowfighting/nude oil wrestling and ask you to videotape it. Unfortunately, that usually only happens if your name is “Dirk” and you have a ten-inch wiener and a German accent. For such is the way of life!

Having dinner with Lily Allen and with Sam on the set:

Lily Allen is apologizing for her drunken behavior at the Glamour Women of the Year Awards on Tuesday. She writes on her MySpace blog

“This time I’m putting my hands up, I got very drunk last night, too drunk. It’s not cool getting that drunk, I feel awful… Kids, drink responsibly or you’ll end up looking like this, not pretty!

I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. No one I know ever accused her of being pretty. A grown-up version of that girl in your tenth grade English class that wrote cliched poems on her arms and refused to let grunge die its slow flannel death, yes. Tubby and party-hat nippled, yes. Pretty, no. Frankly, if she’s going to start apologizing, she might want to start with one of those other ones first.

Nursing hangover before going to the Royal Academy of Arts summer exhibition party:

I take a great deal of pride in the fact that I have never once knowingly listened to a Lily Allen song. I have also never watched an episode of “The Hills” or “Gossip Girl” or any of Season 7 of “American Idol.” I read recently that exposing yourself to too much crap can make you get fat, and if there’s one thing a girl can’t be, it’s fat. Or ugly. Case in point: 23-year-old “singer” (like I said, I can’t confirm that) Lily Allen had to be lugged out of the Glamour Women of the Year Awards in London last night, where she cleverly used her Editor’s Special Award to hide her face from the paparazzi, without considering the bright pink hair and the decapitated Bambi print dress and the teal shoes might give her away anyway. The Daily Mail says

Bleary-eyed and most definitely worse for wear, the newly pink-haired singer covered her face with her very own Glamour gong as a security guard put her in to a car. Lily, who teamed her freshly coloured tresses with a prom dress decorated with prints of a bleeding Bambi, had [to be propped up] as she struggled to keep her balance.

Like my dad once said, “Nobody likes fat chicks.” He also used to say, “Better hope Santy Claus brings you a treadmill” and “What are you, some kind of lesbian?” I think Lily could have really learned a lot from my father.