Statistics indicate you’re more likely to encounter an Asian Crested Ibis on your way to work than see Lindsay Lohan in a bra, but lo and behold, she’s actually wearing one in these pictures. That probably means odds are good that one of us is getting struck by lightning this afternoon.

In L.A. on Friday afternoon:

Seeing pictures of Lindsay Lohan always makes me wanna take a shower. You feel nasty just looking at her. Between the indiscriminate patches of self-tanner and the coke sweat, she always looks greasy and dirty and like she should be crawling out of a frat house at 4:30 in the morning with a condom stuck to her shoe and barf in her hair. And then there’s the makeup. Dear God, the makeup. The only thing she did right was covering up that cold sore with lipstick.

At the A&E Networks 2012 Upfront in New York last night:

If festooning yourself in criminally unflattering pants were an art form, Lindsay Lohan would be Michel-fucking-angelo by now. Even Mariah Carey’s asymmetrical spandex labia are embarrassed for her.

FUPA-ing it up (thanks to the sailors aboard the USS Eisenhower for that little gem!) with her equally repugnant sister Ali:

Yeah, I know this is my third post about Lindsay Lohan today, but damn she makes it so easy to take pot shots at her. Case in point: Remember how she got invited to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner? Because apparently she forgot. TMZ says,

Lindsay Lohan was a no-show at LAX for her scheduled 1 PM flight to the nation’s capital for the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

We know Lindsay was supposed to be on the flight, along with her lawyer, Shawn Holley. Shawn made the flight, as did another passenger named George Clooney, who will also be at the dinner.

As for why Lindsay missed the flight … we’re told she just couldn’t pull it together. She PLANS on taking a later flight.

God, it must be nice to be able to decide that you’re going to act like a spoiled child for the rest of your life and not have to worry about silly adult things like responsibility and obligations. The heaviest thing weighing on her mind is probably how much more filler she can inject into her lips before they explode. Which, I’d like to add, I wouldn’t mind seeing.

Michelle Pfeiffer at CinemaCon, who is everything Lindsay is not:

Despite her publicist’s protestations that Lindsay Lohan was not late on set and that she had in fact “busted her ass” on ‘Glee’, sources are naturally saying otherwise. Just goes to show you that anything she or her publicist say should be taken with a 10-ton chunk of salt. Says the New York Post,

While Lindsay Lohan reportedly started off being “so professional” while shooting her guest-starring role on “Glee” last week, sources say that she has devolved into being a “total nightmare.”

“Lindsay was a total nightmare yesterday,” a source told E! News, characterizing Lohan’s showing on the set on Wednesday. “She was three hours late in the morning, and when she did finally arrive, she just didn’t want to be there. She did not want to work. She had not memorized her lines, and she kept disappearing so no one could find her.”

Lohan is playing a Nationals judge in the “Glee” season finale, alongside Rex Lee of “Entourage” and Perez Hilton, to air May 15. When the star began filming last week, she was widely praised for her performance.

“[She was] really great,” a source told E! at the time. “She was so professional and it looked like everything was going to go so well.”

But while Lohan seems to have rubbed the cast and crew of the series the wrong way on Wednesday, it appears that she might have made up for it yesterday. The actress reported to her rep that she finished her scenes three hours ahead of schedule.

A source added, “Everyone on ‘Glee’ is still rooting for Lindsay.”

Finishing three hours ahead of schedule doesn’t prove a thing. It just means they wanted to get it over with, because they knew it wasn’t any use trying for better. It’s like how I just lie there during sex and wish my husband would just get it over with. That bottle of gin in the cupboard isn’t going to drink itself, you know.

Tell me if you’ve heard this one: Lindsay Lohan gets accused of something, then her publicist denies it. Well, surprise! It’s happened again. Shocking, right? Says Digital Spy,

Lindsay Lohan’s publicist has lashed out at reports claiming that the actress was late to filming on the set of Glee.

Rumors of the star’s late arrival began after Glee cast member Dot Marie Jones, who plays Coach Beiste, tweeted: “Gonna be a long day!! Some ppl show up late and just throw a wrench in things. Not cool! I’d rather be an hour early (I was) than 5 minutes late!”

Lohan’s publicist Steven Honig has now told E! Online that the reports of tardiness are not true and that the actress was in hair and make-up.

“The production team came to us and said that they wanted to start right after lunch, which was at two,” he explained. “They wanted to begin with Lindsay at three, so that meant she had a lot of time where she wasn’t doing anything.

“That’s why people didn’t see her. She was then in hair and make-up and began after lunch at three.”

Honig also expressed his frustration, saying that Lohan was merely being criticized because of her troubled past.

“If there was a problem yesterday, I would have just said, ‘No comment’, however I can’t ignore this because this is utter B.S,” he added. “This is a classic example of people trying to bash Lindsay. She busted her ass yesterday and is back on set again today.”

Lindsay didn’t steal that necklace, Lindsay didn’t beat that woman up at the club, Lindsay wasn’t late for the ‘Glee’ shooting, and I didn’t just eat a whole package of Oreos in the time it took to write this post. See a pattern here?

Mustachioed behemoth Rosie O’Donnell was on the Today Show this week as part of the Today’s Professionals segment, and comments that she made about Lindsay Lohan’s downward spiral and Lifetime’s mistake casting her as Elizabeth Taylor in their new movie “Liz & Dick” had people so fired up that the Today Show brought her back today to defend her stance — namely that Lindsay Lohan is a fucking trainwreck caught in the dregs of addiction who hasn’t had a decent movie out “Mean Girls” opened 96 months ago. USA Today says:

Rosie stuck to her opinion about Lohan, recalling her as a “beautiful, talented little kid,” when she was doing Parent Trap. And then, “We’ve all seen what’s happened in the last decade and it’s tragic.”

“Listen, I’m 50 years old, and watching Whitney Houston’s funeral I remember thinking why didn’t more people say what they knew. We all knew. When she would not show up to do this show, not show up to my show. We watched Being Bobby Brown. It was like watching Sid and Nancy. They were people in the throes of addiction. But all we cared about was the ratings, not that this talented individual, this human being, this mother, this daughter, was worth saving and pulling out of the money market industry and I know only someone can be in control of their own sobriety, but to look at Lindsay Lohan you cannot help but feel for her. I do not think she’s untalented. I think she’s quite talented.”

And what does Lindsay think about Rosie’s completely factual and accurate statements about the current state of her career? See if you can guess:

Lohan isn’t too worried about Rosie’s rant. “I know that I’m great,” she told Access Hollywood. “I know Liz Taylor really well and we shared some makeup artists … same hairstylist. We’ve worked with a lot of the same people.”

With such a profound personal connection — makeup AND hair stylists! — they’re practically the same person. Except, you know, Elizabeth Taylor has two Academy Awards and a Screen Actors Guild’s Life Achievement Award, and all Lindsay has to show for the last six years is 10 Razzies and the herpes simplex virus. The same, only different.

Sonya’s in till Tuesday while I do some court-ordered drying out of my liver, but in the meantime, enjoy 90′s Victoria’s Secret model Stephanie Seymour in a see-through dress at the Tribeca Film Festival, because I’m a giver:

It’s gonna be a real who’s who of useless twatterdom at the annual Washington Correspondents’ Dinner this weekend, because in addition to Lindsay Lohan, reality whore Kim Kardashian will also be in attendance. TMZ says:

Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan will be seated at the same table Saturday night at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

Kim and Lindsay were both invited by Fox News Channel and they will be face-to-face at the table, sources planning the event [revealed].

I bet it didn’t take much to convince Kim Kardashian to show up. All Fox had to say was, “There’s gonna be a black guy and lots of cameras.”

What the hell kinda outfit is this:

You’ll never believe this, but Lindsay Lohan was late yesterday morning for her guest appearance on “Glee” after she stayed out till three in the morning partying the night before. I certainly didn’t see this coming. TMZ says:

Dot Marie Jones — who plays Coach Beiste on the show — tweeted, “Gonna be a long day!! Some ppl show up late and just throw a wrench in things. Not cool! I’d rather be an hour early than 5 minutes late!”

Dot didn’t say who was late, but we’ve confirmed the person MIA was LiLo.

So Lindsay Lohan was late and unprofessional. In other equally shocking news, the sun rises in the east and the sky is blue. Further bulletins as events warrant!

On the Glee set yesterday:

If you thought the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner was sorely lacking in the blowjob and vodka department, your laments have finally been addressed — Lindsay Lohan will be attending this year’s dinner courtesy of Fox News. The Washington Post says:

Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren and her husband, John Coale, are bringing Lohan to the annual celeb-political event at the Washington Hilton on Saturday. Which means the off-probation actress will probably be hitting the D.C. party scene Friday and Saturday nights.

Interestingly, this will be the first year the White House forgoes the sterling for plastic forks and spoons, and all female guests have been instructed not to wear jewelery or check their coats. And you can forget about the open bar. On the plus side, the Secret Service has never been more stoked.

At Star’s “All Hollywood” event last night:

I thought Lindsay Lohan’s lips were all swollen from getting busted in the mouth the other night at the Standard Hotel, but those wiser than me suggest that pout is just the aftermath of too much filler. And when I say “those wiser than me,” I of course mean “the British tabloids.” The Daily Mail says:

Lindsay Lohan certainly has cause to pout after recent allegations of vicious bar brawl surfaced, but perhaps the actress has gone slightly to far trying to perfect her pose.

The 25-year-old actress stepped out with swollen lips, sparking rumors she may have gone too far with plumping injections.

As well as sporting swollen lips the actress looked like she had a double chin as she was heading out in LA yesterday.

After I read that little bit in the Daily Mail, I almost felt bad for her. No, seriously. Think about it. Okay, so she’s a compulsive liar and a thief, and yeah, she’s self-entitled and skeezy and completely fucking unlikable in every sense of the word, but she was raised by alcoholic drug addicts who routinely beat the hell out of each other and sacrificed her on the altar of Hollywood before she was even out of diapers. Maybe tearing her apart isn’t helping matters. Maybe I should step back, gain a little perspective and stop judging.

Nah, I’m just kidding. Fuck Lindsay Lohan.

Apparently The Captain was here at Coachella, too:

Remember how Lindsay Lohan said she was home watching TV the night a patron at the Smoke & Mirrors nightclub claimed to have been assaulted by her? Yeeeah… that was a lie. The cops now have The Standard Hotel’s surveillance video in which Lohan can clearly be seen inside the club on the night in question. Radar Online says:

“Investigators obtained the surveillance video from the Smoke & Mirrors nightclub at The Standard Hotel and it clearly shows that Lindsay was there on the night of the alleged assault,” a law enforcement source [said]. “The investigation is still ongoing… two other witnesses besides the alleged victim filed police reports, including the bouncer of the nightclub.”

And because it worked out so well three days before, Lindsay Lohan went back to the Standard Hotel last night, and you’ll never guess what happens next. TMZ says:

Lindsay… got into it with ANOTHER woman, and it ended with LiLo on the receiving end of a flying drink.

Lindsay’s friend drove her car to the hotel — LiLo was in the passenger seat. The driver pulled into the parking garage and hit another car. Lindsay then called her dad, Michael and he dutifully showed up.

He took Lindsay inside the club and the two hung out for hours … we’re told without any alcohol.

A woman in the booth next to theirs made a snide comment about Lindsay showing up with her dad. Lindsay then got up and screamed at the woman, “Shut the fuck up.” That’s when the drink drenched the actress.

Michael then grabbed his daughter and made a beeline for the door.

Captain Sober’s been at either Coachella or The Standard Hotel every night this week, not drinking and not doing drugs and not shoving girls who are prettier than she is. Like in this photo, for instance. She’s not totally geeked up here. It’s probably just the flash making her eyes do that. And this one? She’s not drunk. I bet the shutter speed was too slow. And as for this pic with Snoop Dogg, well, maybe she’s got pinkeye in both eyes and an Asian great-grandmother. We really shouldn’t jump to conclusions.

At Jeremy Scott’s Coachella party: