The only person who takes more pictures of Lindsay Lohan than the L.A. central booking is Terry Richardson (here, here and leering behind her like a child molester on a bender here), and that’s only because he’s a notorious pervert who gets off on taking pictures of girls’ tits, and showing her tits is the only thing Lindsay’s good for these days. It’s a match made in crippling daddy issues/sexual predator heaven.

Lindsay Lohan is telling everyone who’ll listen just how sober and serious about her career she is now, but she spent most of Sunday night in a Chateau Marmont bathroom stall and staggering around slurring her words. Funny, I did the very same thing Sunday night, except I was at Denny’s. Radar Online says:

The Mean Girls star was with friends at the infamous watering hole/hotel and was spotted going to the bathroom frequently.

“Lindsay was spotted going to the restroom with a male companion on numerous occasions in a short amount of time,” an eyewitness [said]. “When the two of them emerged from the bathroom, Lindsay was giggling and her nose appeared red. Lindsay was spotted only drinking water in the lounge area, but she appeared to be loaded on something, and she seemed under the influence. Lindsay’s eyes were glassy and her pupils were constricted.”

A second eyewitness [added] that Lohan, wearing a plunging v-neck black dress sans bra Sunday night, was “definitely on something. She was slurring her words, and needed help walking at one point.”

Well, it’s like they say, “A leopard can’t change his spots.” Especially if those spots are actually sores and freckles.

Out in L.A. without a bra. Surprise:

Lindsay Lohan has always been the model of personal responsibility and sound fiscal management, so I was just as shocked as you are to discover that she somehow owes the The Internal Revenue Service $93,701.57 for failure to pay federal income tax in 2009. TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan had no idea she was so deeply in the hole to Uncle Sam … because she THOUGHT she had accountants to take care of that crap for her, sources close to Lindsay [reveal].

The I.R.S. hit Lohan with a big, fat tax lien, claiming she failed to fork over $93k in federal income taxes from 2009.

Our sources say Lindsay believes the debt was most likely “lost in the shuffle,” but the issue will be handled immediately.

I sure hope for Lindsay’s sake that the IRS accepts stained designer dresses and sea jasper as payment. That’s really all she’s good for these days.

Lindsay for Phillipp Plein:

Lindsay Lohan says she will try to score some dough pursue legal action against a party planning company that claimed she is planning–now prepare yourselves–on being in Dubai for the New Year. DUN DUN DUUUUUN! The nerve! What will people think? Says Digital Spy,

Lindsay Lohan has denied reports that she is seeing in the New Year in Dubai.

The actress insisted that she will not be holding a New Year’s Eve party on the Queen Elizabeth 2 cruise ship, contrary to a party planning company’s claims.

Lohan’s rep Steve Honig said in a statement: “Lindsay is not going to Dubai, nor had she ever considered doing so.

“She will be spending New Year’s Eve in Los Angeles with a few close friends and family.”

According to TMZ, the star will pursue legal action against the source of the rumors.

I once kicked a stranger in the groin because his tie reminded me of the upholstery on my Nana’s couch, which got stained because I peed on it, and she smacked my knuckles with a wooden spoon for it. That totally doesn’t make any sense, but neither does this threatened lawsuit. Just trying to stay with the theme.

Here’s some extremely Photoshopped pictures from next month’s Maxim Australia:

Seems like that Playboy debacle wasn’t a total bust for Lindsay Lohan, since she also managed to get a deal hawking jeans out of it too (read: she blew the photographer). OK! Magazine elaborates,

After her Playboy spread, she inked a deal with Jag Jeans! Here’s the connection: Yu Tsai, the photog who took the skin photos also shot the jeans campaign, as reported by E! News.

In a press release, Yu indicated, “Lindsay did not disappoint.” The release continued, “As Jag Jeans’ newest endorser, Lindsay embodies the strength and fearlessness of the women of today. She is unafraid to be who she is. She is fierce yet exudes feminine grace.”

From the sounds of it, Lindsay was involved in the shoot that she “would go as far as adjusting items on the set. She even requested scissors so she could personally fray the edges of her black crepe blouse because she believed it would look better that way.”

She embodies women today? Well, she might embody a certain type of woman, but that type of woman has more pressing matters than buying or even wearing pants, like where her next hit is going to come from, or who her next anonymous sexual encounter is going to be. Doi.

Turns out big fake freckle tits with weird melanin-less nipples aren’t this season’s must-have Christmas gift, because nobody’s buying the Lindsay Lohan issue of Playboy since it hit newsstands on Friday. Fox News says:

Not many consumers are paying for [the Lindsay Lohan Playboy] experience. In fact, interest seems low in seeing Lohan’s intensely air-brushed impersonation of Marilyn Monroe in glossy print.

Fox411 spent Friday morning trolling the shelves of newsstands and gas stations from New York to Philadelphia only to be confronted with the same reality at each: no one staring back or making a purchase.

“No one has bought it,” was the resounding answer to our query at each stop.

The problem with Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy spread was not that it leaked a week early or that she failed to uphold her contractual obligation to promote the issue. Not at all. The problem with Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy shoot is that Lindsay Lohan is not Kate Beckinsale. That was really Hugh Hefner’s first mistake right there. I guess that’s what they mean when they say hindsight’s 20/20.

Kate in the January issue of Elle Russia:

What, Lindsay Lohan, unprofessional? This is the first I’m ever hearing of this. Us Magazine says:

Playboy’s newest cover girl Lindsay Lohan has canceled an upcoming promotional appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres Show that was scheduled to tape on December 13.

Currently on vacation in Hawaii, the 25-year-old actress missed her flight back to Los Angeles, a show rep confirms.

Never mind that that Russian hacker leaking her cover has already cost Playboy thousands and forced Hefner to move newsstand sales up a week early. Never mind that she was contractually obligated to do the interview. It posed a slight inconvenience to her. And since 9/11, nobody will hold a fucking plane for anybody anymore. I think we can all agree, her hands were really tied here.

Arriving to court today:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

An unretouched photo of Lindsay Lohan at her Playboy photoshoot hit the interwebs this weekend, clearly reinforcing my belief that everything in Playboy is really ninety percent photoshop wizardry. And speaking of wizards, Lindsay Lohan is a fucking dumbass. Case in point (via TMZ):

Lindsay Lohan’s purse [containing her] passport, important probation docs, and [ten thousand dollars in] cash was stolen last night from a Hawaii house party.

One of her friend’s eyed a suspicious-looking local, and asked if he knew where the bag was. The local denied everything, but showed up with the bag minutes later… claiming he found it on the street.

Lindsay was so ecstatic to have the bag back, she didn’t bother asking questions — despite the missing $10,000.

Who other than drug dealers carries ten thousand dollars on their fucking person? I was gonna say “who other than black people carries ten thousand dollars on their fucking person,” but I thought that sounded racist. So I went with “drug dealers” because that covers that base without me actually having to say it. You’re the racist for thinking it.

You’d think anyone would be smart to the fact that it’s never a good idea to pin high hopes on Lindsay Lohan–that is, unless you’re waging on her being drunk, stoned, or late. Then yeah, go for it. Playboy apparently didn’t get the memo and are freaking out now that their cover of Lindsay got leaked yesterday. Technically that’s not Lindsay’s fault, but the girl is bad news. TMZ says,

Lindsay Lohan’s highly classified Playboy photo shoot leaked to the Internet this morning — one week before the issues was set to hit newsstands — and TMZ has learned Playboy honchos are “freaking out.”

First off — the pics aren’t bad … it’s a Marilyn Monroe thing … and it works.

Playboy sources tell us … there are fears the leak could significantly damage sales of the magazine … which is expected to be the best seller of the year.

The shoot was a massive investment for Playboy — the mag shelled out nearly $1 million to Lohan for the spread and we’re told the company has printed thousands of extra copies in anticipation of a sales boom.

Is there really that high of a demand to see an alcoholic coke head topless? Shit, all I have to do is drive downtown Saturday morning and there’s bound to be one passed out in the gutter. I don’t have to pay for a magazine, and there’s the added bonus of getting a um, more tactile experience. Playboy doesn’t have honkable boobs, now do they? Bingo.

*UPDATE* Check out the spread here

Here’s something you won’t see downtown in the gutter: Diane Kruger sideboob!

Lindsay Lohan’s big Playboy cover reveal on next Thursday’s Ellen probably won’t be as big a deal now that it leaked online yesterday and everybody’s already seen it. And also because it’s really fucking lame. The Daily Mail says:

[On the cover], the 25-year-old actress is seen straddling a Playboy bunny shaped chair which manages to cover her modesty, but reveals the curve of her breasts.

Wearing just a pair of black high heels, Lindsay has her hair in big blonde curls falling around her shoulders, and she is seen pouting into the camera with bright red lips, matching her seat and the curtains in the backdrop.

Well, of course Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy cover leaks. It probably has a foul-smelling discharge, too. If you want the authentic Lindsay Lohan experience, Hugh made sure to cover all your bases.

It’s nice to see that Lindsay Lohan’s colorist was able to exactly match her hair color to her teeth. She can probably even scrape some of the tartar off her gums and use it to touch up her roots between visits. And it’s a great way to keep from clashing when wearing graphic prints.

Leaving the Ken Paves salon yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan embarked on her 30-day jail sentence by turning herself in late Sunday night, and despite promises from the L.A. Sheriff that she would serve time and not be shuffled out due to overcrowding, she served less than five hours. Us Magazine says:

The 25-year-old actress checked into a Los Angeles County jail on at 8:50 p.m. Sunday — and was out by 1:40 a.m. Monday.

Serving a 30-day sentence related to her most recent probation violation, Lohan was behind bars at the County Regional Detention facility for under five hours, thanks to overcrowding.

She will avoid serving an additional 270 days in jail if she performs 12 days of community service at the morgue and attends four psychotherapy sessions before December 14.

But in true Lindsay fashion, before she turned herself in, she came straight from her second Playboy shoot and showed up uninvited to Leonardo DiCaprio’s “J. Edgar” afterparty. The NY Post says:

Lohan insisted she was an invited guest to the party and talked her way past security at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel on Thursday night.

A source at the bash told us, “Lindsay was arguing with the security to let her in, dropping every celebrity’s name to get in. She could be heard saying, ‘I have to go and see Leo.’

“Eventually they let her in, but she made everybody uncomfortable. She was aggressive and random, storming around. She tried to get to Leo, but he was surrounded by his security and a posse of his friends.

Lohan’s rep said, “She did not crash, she was invited… she was never asked to leave.”

I once heard a song about this very thing — a stirring ballad about the ails of public rejection and social isolation. It was called “Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, I Guess I’ll Go Eat Worms.” I’m pretty sure in Lindsay’s case, “eat worms” is just a nice euphemism for “suck dick.”