Self-professed sober non-lesbian Lindsay Lohan was caught on tape mixing herself a Red Bull and vodka and sucking face with Samantha Ronson at a nightclub in D.C. over the weekend. Security cameras don’t lie, sweetheart! That’s what the prosecution is always telling me, anyway.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson came to blows at a London night club this week after Sam caught girlfriend Lindsay dry-humping ex-boyfriend Calum Best on the dance floor. The Sun says

Lindsay was having a boogie on the dance floor with Calum. Sam came screeching up to Lindsay, screaming blue murder and throwing punches. She went ballistic. The pair traded a series of blows before Calum managed to pry them apart.

Before leaving more blows were traded in the venue’s lobby. Lindsay launched herself at Sam, spitting at her and clawing at her chest. She was fuming.

The warring couple were driven back to their hotel in Kensington, West London, at around 4.30 am. But an hour later distraught Lindsay left speaking on her mobile phone before sinking to the ground in tears.

No, no, no. That’s not how you do it at all. According to my hours of research — including such reputable endeavors as “Lusty Lesbians on Lickester Row” and “Clitty Clitty Bang Bang” — lesbian fights do NOT involve “punching.” (Side note: they can, however, involve fists). Lesbian fights require plenty of oil, tear-away bikinis and an innocent by-stander/prison guard who can later join in all the fun. Either get it right or don’t do it all, ladies.

Back in January of 2006, Lindsay Lohan reportedly scrawled “Scarlett Johansson is a cunt,” in sharpie on the bathroom wall of a New York City nightclub. And two years later, Scarlett is finally ready to talk about it. MSNBC reports

“I really don’t know [Lindsay]. I only met her, like, three times,” Johansson told Allure magazine.

As for the stall-scrawl incident, Johansson said in the December issue, “I don’t know what the motivation was behind that. I remember it was something really vulgar — I mean, shockingly so, like, ‘Whoa, what, who are you?’”

Ah, the bathroom stall disparaging! A fail-safe when TP-ing her locker or tripping her in the cafeteria isn’t an option. I’d still watch your back if I were you, Scarlett. And also maybe your husband’s front. The only thing that makes penises disappear faster than Lindsay Lohan’s vagina is Lorena Bobbitt and a carving knife.

Candids from the Allure photoshoot:

Lindsay Lohan was pelted with flour bombs by anti-fur demonstrators in Paris this weekend after arriving at girlfriend Samantha Ronson’s DJ gig wearing a fur wrap. Interestingly, this marks the first time that the expression “Lindsay Lohan bombed” did not involve a bottle of Absolut or a remake about an anthropomorphic Volkswagen Beetle. It’s also the first time “Lindsay Lohan covered in white stuff” had nothing to do with an eightball or the stuff that comes out of penises. This has gotta be one for the books, people!

She gets tagged around the 50 second mark.

Lindsay Lohan sat down with Access Hollywood’s Maria Menounos last night and tried to sound smart by discussing her sentiments on the election of new President Barack Obama. Unfortunately, within the first thirty seconds of the interview, Lindsay referenced Obama as “our first colored president,” officially marking the first time the word “colored” has been used on prime time television since 1974. Statistics indicate that the only way this could be more embarrassing for Lindsay is if she had also been in black face sitting atop a forty acres and a mule.

Negro-free in next month’s Harper’s Bazaar:

Lindsay Lohan has been fired for the 4,398th time, this time dumped as the host of the 2008 World Music Awards. The Post-Chronicle says

The ‘Mean Girls’ star has been replaced by actress Denise Richards after organizers lost confidence in Lindsay’s ability to present the Monaco event next week.

At the 2006 awards, Lindsay, 22, messed up several of her lines and accidentally called Beyonce to the stage while she was still getting ready for her performance.

Too bad getting plowed by a bunch of coked-up losers and driving around piss-drunk and high isn’t a marketable source of income. Lindsay would be the new Steve Jobs. Hell, I’d be the next Warren Buffet. And not just because of my belief in value investing or my insight into the downfall of the “sharecropper society,” either. Because I’m a drunk armed with low-self esteem and birth control pills.

Lindsay in Hollywood yesterday:

New reason to watch ABC sitcom Ugly Betty: star America Ferrerra apparently loathed Lindsay Lohan so much that her guest role was chopped from the agreed-upon six episodes to only four. Oh, and it gets even better — America even made Lindsay cry on the set during rehearsals. Ha ha ha ha ha! According to Page Six

One episode, titled “Granny Pants,” was about how Lohan, playing Betty’s high school nemesis, would “de-pants” Ferrera. But Ferrera exacts her revenge and pulls down Lohan’s pants instead. “Lindsay wasn’t wearing any underwear,” the source said.

But a Lohan pal fumed, “[Bullshit]! Lindsay wears underwear all the time now. She was wearing a G-string. And it was America’s fault. They were rehearsing the scene and America wasn’t supposed to pull Lindsay’s pants down - but she did. Lindsay was so embarrassed, she started crying. America was mean to Lindsay. Lindsay didn’t do the last two episodes because America didn’t like her and got her kicked off.”

Lohan’s rep said, “Lindsay was scheduled for six episodes and is appearing in four but had a lovely time.”

This just goes to show you that fat girls, while unsightly and sweaty and downright nauseating at a buffet, can still serve a purpose. Ladies and gentleman, America Ferrerra!

Nursing her wounds at a fashion show in Tokyo yesterday:

With reports of Madonna’s and Guy Ritchie’s divorce now confirmed amid rumors of a lack of a prenup, everybody’s wondering just how much money Madonna’s going to end up losing in the settlement. Well, all I can say is it’s a good thing she’s so limber, because I have a feeling she’s going to be spending a lot of time gripping the backs of her knees to maximize penetration. The Daily Mail says

A divorce settlement could potentially leave film director Guy pocketing up to [$300] million — the costliest in showbusiness history.

Madonna, 50, is one of the world’s richest women, with an estimated fortune of [$600] million. Ritchie has his own independent wealth but it comes nowhere near his wife’s.

She might have to cough up three hundred mil, but at least Madonna’s stylist isn’t going anywhere. “Goldendoodle spiral perm” is the unequivocal property of one Madonna Ciccone! And, um, Lindsay Lohan, apparently. And Whitesnake and Denise Huxtable and the years 1989 to 1992. Well, if he doesn’t nab it in the settlement, at least the cone bra will come in handy for catching her many impotent tears.

Lindsay at the Filth and Wisdom premiere in L.A. Monday night:

Lindsay Lohan will be one of the millions dressing up as Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin this Halloween. According to the NY Daily News

[Lindsay's] costume will include the glasses, the perky red suit and ample cleavage. Even better, Lohan gal pal Sam Ronson is thinking about dressing as Sarah’s snow-machine-ridin’ hunky hubby, Todd, to complete the package.

The most predictable costume of 2008? I have to say I’m a little disappointed. I thought Lindsay would go the irony route and dress up as Anne Heche. Something a little more tongue-in-cheek, you know. Because the whole “tongue-in-vagina” bit isn’t foolin’ anybody!

Speaking of costumes, Jessica Simpson dressed as Dale, Jr. at the Bank of America 500 this weekend:

Fun fact: every time you see Lindsay Lohan’s nipples, an angel gets its wings. Or at least a massive boner. Amen!

I know the first thing you think when you hear the name “Lindsay Lohan” is “Why doesn’t this girl have a couple of babies under her belt?” Well, don’t you worry — that’s all about to change. According to the NY Daily News

The 22-year-old star told Marie Claire, “I want to adopt a kid … A child in need or a newborn from another country. I’m not sure yet.” Lohan believes her own experience would make her that much more qualified as a mom.

If there’s one thing children thrive on — other than Mountain Dew and a public education — it’s emotional instability and substance abuse. That’s why so many famous people have kids. To “share the wealth,” as it were. The only way that little Lohan, Jr. could be any luckier is if he found himself a ward of the state or camped out in Josef Fritzl’s basement. Congratulations to the happy mom-to-be!

In L.A. Thursday night:

I’m sure you often wondered, “How are George Bush and Samantha Ronson alike? Other than the haircut, I mean?” Well, the answer’s pretty obvious — neither one of them does dick. Ka-ching!

More Sam and Lindsay in bikinis in Cabo: