Let’s be honest — there’s really no point in me even typing words here. It’s not like you’re gonna be looking at anything other than Kelly Brook’s rack for the next fifteen minutes.

Photographer Kate Orne clearly knows that subtlety is for pussies. Just like condoms and seatbelts.

Thumbs 1-7 from the Kate Orne photoshoot; thumbs 8-15 from New Look Lingerie photoshoot:

I’d like to give Rihanna’s latest Armani ads a big thumbs up, but I can’t, on account of the cuffs and everything. I sure hope somebody’s writing an outraged letter to a Congressman or staging a protest on my behalf, because I wasn’t “charging toward Rihanna wielding a knife” — it was the Dagger of Heccabees forged by a coven of dwarf-witches long extinct — and I wasn’t trying to “stab” anybody, I was trying to harvest a lock of her hair with the Blade of the Dwarf-Witch Queen so I could properly cast a protective spell around her. Honestly, I don’t see what’s so hard about this.

You know what I can’t say no to? No, besides a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and a bottle of Wild Turkey. Boobs. I’m not even that particular if the girl is attractive, but today I lucked out with Behati Prinsloo being the bearer of the breasts. I’d say more about her, but now that I mentioned ice cream, I’m starting to get hungry.

All I know is I passed out in 2011, and when I woke up this morning, it was already three days into 2012. So Happy New Year, boys and girls! A fortune cookie I found under the seat of my aunt’s Chrysler LeBaron told me 2012 is supposedly the Year of the Dragon, which I know is just a secret code meaning “The Year the Chinese Finally Take Over the World.” Don’t worry, I’ve already started stock-piling weapons and I dug out a bomb shelter under the foundation of my aunt’s house, so when the Asian apocalypse is nigh, you can bet I’m gonna be the last white girl standing. That goes double for zombie attacks and alien invasions. Believe me, I’ve covered all my bases.

And when I get a chance to wallpaper inside my bunker, I’m gonna do it with these pics of Victoria’s Secret model Lily Aldridge:

I’ve always found Carey Mulligan very refined and lady-like and intelligent, by which I of course mean “inescapably boring.” However, that was before I saw this W Magazine cover with her in her bra. Now I might have to re-think everything. I’m like the Aristotle of boobs.

Remember how I told you that the 2012 Kelly Brook calendar only had six months instead of twelve? Turns out I was wrong. I was also never probed by aliens and I don’t have a tracking device in my head. What a difference a day and 240 volts make!

The tags on these photos of Candice Swanepoel said they were new, but I could neither confirm nor deny this, mostly because finding out would have involved me not looking at the pictures. I just figured I couldn’t run the risk of them not being new, because it wouldn’t be fair to you if they were. That’s just how much I care. Better to err on the side of of caution, I always say.

Just in time for Christmas, UK glamour model Kelly Brook’s super-sexy 2012 calendar is here. Only it seems the Kelly Brook calendar year is divided into six months instead of your traditional Gregorian twelve and the year apparently ends with June, because that’s all the scans I could find on the interwebs. I didn’t think it really mattered. I’ve never believed in the concept of linear time, anyway. Particularly when there’s boobs involved.

This is isn’t part of the calendar, but it provides a hearty does of WTF? to your day:

It’s exactly thirty-seven days, eleven hours and forty-three minutes until Christmas, so I thought that pics of Adriana Lima in Victoria’s Secret’s Christmas catalog would help get us in the holiday spirit. And for the record, I was almost ten before I learned that “getting in the holiday spirit” didn’t mean “stumbling around drunk in a red velvet suit with a visible erection and vomit in your beard.” Yeah, my dad made a pretty shitty Santa. You don’t even wanna know what I though “decking the halls” was.

When my kid starts bitching about taking tennis lessons this summer, I’m gonna march him right over to the computer and pull up these pics of Sports Illustrated model Brooklyn Decker and then smack him upside the head with his own racquet. Don’t ever question your mother, dumbass.

Tennis star Andy Roddick’s wife for La Senza lingerie:

The thing that sucks about winter is you get way less hot bikini action than you do in the summer. Fortunately, Victoria’s Secret has taken it upon themselves to rectify that injustice by putting pics of Candice Swanepoel in a bikini in their holiday catalog. Which ultimately begs the question, is that a yule log in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? Beats the hell outta ten lords a-leaping, I can tell you that.