I thought Lindsay Lohan’s lips were all swollen from getting busted in the mouth the other night at the Standard Hotel, but those wiser than me suggest that pout is just the aftermath of too much filler. And when I say “those wiser than me,” I of course mean “the British tabloids.” The Daily Mail says:

Lindsay Lohan certainly has cause to pout after recent allegations of vicious bar brawl surfaced, but perhaps the actress has gone slightly to far trying to perfect her pose.

The 25-year-old actress stepped out with swollen lips, sparking rumors she may have gone too far with plumping injections.

As well as sporting swollen lips the actress looked like she had a double chin as she was heading out in LA yesterday.

After I read that little bit in the Daily Mail, I almost felt bad for her. No, seriously. Think about it. Okay, so she’s a compulsive liar and a thief, and yeah, she’s self-entitled and skeezy and completely fucking unlikable in every sense of the word, but she was raised by alcoholic drug addicts who routinely beat the hell out of each other and sacrificed her on the altar of Hollywood before she was even out of diapers. Maybe tearing her apart isn’t helping matters. Maybe I should step back, gain a little perspective and stop judging.

Nah, I’m just kidding. Fuck Lindsay Lohan.

Apparently The Captain was here at Coachella, too:

I’ve always thought “Transformers 3″ star Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s lips were fake, so I did a little digging for some good before-and after-pics to put up with this shoot. Turns out they’re 100% real. I found this pic of her at 17 toking on a water pipe, and her lips are as gigantic as ever. So logically, that would have to mean that one of her biological parents is part grouper (see last 5 thumbs below). It’s the only way to explain her mouth that doesn’t involve autonomous migratory hemorrhoids or a serious allergic reaction to bees.

Something’s really off about Kim Kardashian’s mouth. The last time I saw lips like that, they were made of waxy candy and in my trick-or-treat bag. Next time she should just go that route. It’d be a lot cheaper but would still give her the fake look she’s apparently after.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Despite proclaiming that she loved the end results of her 1986 silicone injection, Lisa Rinna had her top lip surgically reduced on August 26. According to People magazine:

“My lips started to define who I am,” Rinna, 47, [said] about why she decided to undergo the procedure. “That bothered me.”

Public reaction to her plastic surgery confession last year also upset her. After finally admitting that she had silicone injected into her upper lip, Rinna says, “I took a big hit for being honest. It gave everyone online permission to lambaste me. It hurt my feelings.”

[But Rinna] is ready to keep a stiff upper lip about her new upper lip. “It doesn’t matter what other people think,” she says. “I did it for myself.”

People who make a point of saying they’re doing something “for themselves” and that they don’t care what other people think are always full of shit. She just said the reason behind her surgery was that she didn’t like PEOPLE defining her by her lips and she didn’t like PEOPLE making fun of her hemorrhoid mouth. Ergo, it was completely because she cares what other people think. The defense rests, your honor!

See Lisa and her pucker naked here:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

^{PHOTO CREDIT: Nine MSN}

Lisa Rinna went on the Today Show yesterday to plug her new book “Rinnavation,” and naturally the talk turned to her comically oversized lips. She said:

“I went out and had silicone put in my top lip 23 years ago. Period, end of story. I had a small top lip, my girlfriend and I went and did it together [after seeing Barbara Hershey in "Beaches,"]… but what happens is, after years and years, you form some scar tissue.

But I like [them]! I’ve always been okay with [them]. I’ve always felt good about [them].”

She might have said she was going for the “Barbara Hershey” look, but it’s pretty obvious her doctor heard the (NSFW) “bulging hemorrhoid” look. It’s an easy mistake to make. That’s why you never want to talk to your plastic surgeon with a mouth full of saltwater taffy from a distance of 50 paces.

If Nikki Cox was going for that Han-Solo-frozen-in-carbonite look, congratulations. She fucking nailed it.

More of Nikki and husband Jay Mohr at the People’s Choice Awards nominations yesterday:

There’s something different about Jennifer Aniston these days. Can you guess what it is? Hint: it rhymes with nips. Coincidence? I think not. Palm Beach-based cosmetic dermatologist Kenneth Beer, M.D. tells Star Magazine

“There is definitely a difference in the volume and shape of [Jennifer Aniston's] lips. The two peaks of the upper portion of her lip underneath the nose look more prominent and well-defined. Also, the facial line on the right side of her smile is pretty much gone.”

With the surgically-enhanced lips, the shaved-down nose, and the anti-cellulite spa-sculpting treatments, Jennifer Aniston is well on her way to being a whole new woman. And once they finally perfect that pesky personality implant, she might actually be able to hold on to a man for more than fifteen minutes! I hear they’re really making amazing advances with science these days.

Jen’s new lips keep her company on the UCLA campus yesterday:

Nicole Kidman showed off a little more than just her baby bump at “The Golden Compass” premiere in Tokyo today. Have a look at those monstrous surgically enhanced lips of hers. Yikes. They’re like damn bloodworms or something. I just want to thread ‘em with a hook and go trolling for flounder or sprinkle them in my little sister’s hair while I videotape it.