You’ve already seen her completely naked in Playboy, but here’s some pictures of Lisa Rinna in a bikini in Malibu yesterday anyway. It’s kinda like opening up the present “Santa Claus” left and discovering that it’s actually the BMX bike your parents gave you for your birthday before dad lost his job, only repainted with primer and one of the pedals replaced with a ping pong paddle and a wad of old newspaper where the seat’s supposed to be. Merry fucking Christmas, ingrates.

^{PHOTO CREDIT: Nine MSN}

Lisa Rinna went on the Today Show yesterday to plug her new book “Rinnavation,” and naturally the talk turned to her comically oversized lips. She said:

“I went out and had silicone put in my top lip 23 years ago. Period, end of story. I had a small top lip, my girlfriend and I went and did it together [after seeing Barbara Hershey in "Beaches,"]… but what happens is, after years and years, you form some scar tissue.

But I like [them]! I’ve always been okay with [them]. I’ve always felt good about [them].”

She might have said she was going for the “Barbara Hershey” look, but it’s pretty obvious her doctor heard the (NSFW) “bulging hemorrhoid” look. It’s an easy mistake to make. That’s why you never want to talk to your plastic surgeon with a mouth full of saltwater taffy from a distance of 50 paces.

The first of 45-year old Lisa Rinna’s Playboy pics have leaked online, and let me be the first to say that god damn her body is fantastic. The face, not so much, but the rest is masturbatory gold. You can see lots more of her nakedness by joining Playboy’s Cyber Club, which you have to admit is a fantastic name for a bunch of naked lady pictures. It sounds futuristic and highly exclusive, like a kind of Jetsons-meet-the-Kennedys sort of thing, like maybe you’d sit around in leather wingback chairs with a snifter of brandy inside a starship equipped with a warp drive and a hologram deck. I can see why “Jerk Off Team” and “Meat Beaters Convention” didn’t make the cut.

UPDATE: Now with even more meat-beating action!

The Grammy Awards were last night, and they were a total snoozefest.  Admittedly, I was powerfully hungover all day yesterday, but I watched the Grammys and they were so boring that I swear I fell asleep at least nine times before they finally ended.  Every performance that wasn’t Radiohead sucked, and  nearly everyone looked like ass on fire.  The header pic is Coldplay, who (naturally) showed up looking particularly jackassy.  Nothing awesome happened at all, and if there were any funny acceptance speeches then they were during my bouts of unconsciousness.  Here’s a round-up of the shiny, the slutty, and the strange.

Carrie Underwood looked super boring, but otherwise okay I guess:

Miley Cyrus was dressed like she was attending the funeral of her own dignity:

Taylor Swift was in mourning with Miley, apparently:

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Meryl Streep and Sean Penn were the big winners at last night’s 15th annual SAG Awards, along with “Slumdog Millionaire” and oh, Jesus Christ, who fucking cares anymore. People Magazine says

The SAG Awards – which are voted on by the union celebrating actors and are broadcast from Los Angeles’s Shrine Auditorium – are considered by many in the industry to anticipate Oscar winners.

The cast of Slumdog Millionaire was named outstanding cast in a motion picture, foreshadowing a probable Best Picture Oscar win.

Kate Winslet was named best female actor in a supporting role for her part in the Holocaust drama The Reader. In the supporting male category, Heath Ledger earned another posthumous trophy for his role as the macabre Joker in The Dark Knight.

But everyone agreed that the biggest surprise of the evening was learning that SAG stood for “Screen Actors Guild,” not “Self-absorbed Ass-kissing Gasbags.” Acronyms can be so misleading sometimes!

Eva Longoria in a shitty orange dress with shitty orange hair:

Lisa Rinna looking like a blow-up doll that was hosed down with turpentine and left in the sun:

Teri Hatcher in a ridiculously fluffy dress and the always impeccable Marcia Cross:

Hell yes Jack Bauer:

Obligatory Brad and Angelina:

Kate Winslet showing off her Golden Globes:

The eh-sultry and eh-spicy Penelope Cruz:

The complete list of winners, along with more pics of Tina Fey, Christina Applegate, Olivia Wilde and additional Brangelina for your viewing pleasure after the jump.

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Lisa Rinna is going to let you in on a little secret — those aren’t her real lips! Who know? Her secret: injectable Juvéderm. Gallons of it. She tells In Touch Weekly

“We all know everyone does it! We go on Jenny Craig and do all these things to change ourselves, so why can’t we get a little filler?”

But while a little is one thing, Lisa admits she recently overdid it. “I saw a picture of myself and thought, ‘Uh-oh,’” admits Lisa. “You have to be careful. I’m a perfect example of that!”

She thought, “uh-oh?” What the hell is that? “Uh-oh” is what you say when a four year-old spills his milk in the floor. “Uh-oh” is what you say when your shoe comes untied. “Uh-oh” is NOT what you say when you realize you’ve mangled your once-beautiful face and turned your mouth into a greasy pulsating hemorrhoid that talks. What she should have said is “Oh, God, NOOOOOOOO!” before smashing every mirror in the house and using the broken pieces to hack away at her sausage lips in front of her terrified children and housekeeper. You gotta make it mean something, Lisa. Otherwise, people will never understand the dangers of Juvederm addiction.

In a bikini, because it helps distract from her lips:

A rainbow-bikinied Lisa Rinna frolicked in the waves on the beach in Malibu yesterday, and why wouldn’t she? Her whole fucking life is practically a vacation. It’s one of the many perks of playing pretend for a living, besides the money and the sense of entitlement. Not that I’m bitter or anything. See, I have my own ways of escaping reality. They’re called “World of Warcraft” and “grain alcohol.” Lisa Rinna can suck it!