I don’t know what this “Chinawhite” in London is that Ice-T and his dulcet bride Nicole “Coco” Austin visited, but I do know that they should change it to “Chinadischargeyellow” after she’s been there. You know that with her wardrobe made entirely of spandex, she’s gotta be baking a sourdough loaf down below.

Britney Spears‘ performing style hasn’t changed much since she first arrived on the music scene, which is unfortunate because instead of looking like a young, sexy siren, she reminds me more of those times when my mom would get drunk and strip down to her underwear and sing karaoke in our living room. Believe me, it made for an awkward situation in front of the TV repair man. This too, makes for an awkward situation. I don’t know if Britney is shimmying around because she’s performing her dance moves, or she’s trying to pass through that load of fish and chips, figs and prunes she ingested backstage. Says the Daily Mail:

According to sources on the tour, Britney asked for portions of fish and chips and 100 figs and prunes.

Insiders have also claimed that the singer requested a photo of Princess Diana backstage at her UK gigs.

‘Britney adores the monarchy, Diana was in many ways her inspiration. Also, she doesn’t count calories when she’s in Britain,’ said the source.

Newsflash! From the looks of things, she doesn’t count calories stateside, either.

These people lining up to see Meloncholia are going to feel pretty stupid when they realize they didn’t have to pay $15 just to see Kirsten Dunst’s boobs. They could have come here to see them for free. Give yourself a pat on the back. You’re the smart ones, my friends. Don’t say I never did anything nice for you.

I must say, Jessica Biel is looking smoking hot here, especially with her penis under wraps, except for her “I-did-my-hair-with-a-leaf-blower” look. What’s up with the black bodysuit under the see-through dress though? They DO make nude-colored ones. Otherwise people are staring at your underwear, not at your dress. That’s what happens to me when I wear my black open cup bra under a sheer white tank top, anyway.

Whitney Houston continued her Crash & Burn World Tour last night at London’s O2, disappointing nearly 20,000 fans by not even bothering to attempt the high notes in most of her signature songs. The Daily Mail says

Houston admitted to the crowd that she couldn’t hit the high notes and even abandoned The Greatest Love Of All after only a couple of verses, [saying]: ‘She don’t want to come, my soprano friend. Sometimes the old girl sings, but not tonight. I want to do it, but she doesn’t want to. … She’s getting a little … temperamental, even.’

She struggled further with another of her classic songs, cutting short I Will Always Love You, and paused and panted for breath between songs.

Fans were still unhappy, with some even demanding their money back.

Remember those old “this is your brain on drugs” commercials with the egg in the frying pan? Well, they could do one for “this is your voice on drugs,” only instead of a frying pan, they’d just show the footage of sweaty Whitney Houston in a Rick James wig screeching like a barn owl caught in a hairnet made of live wires. Any questions?

Beyonce did a little stage-diving in the crowd Monday night at London’s O2 arena as she wrapped up her hit song Halo in a free concert for her fans. What the video doesn’t show is the aftermath of hundreds of people’s spines simultaneously telescoping and discs herniating and lumbars spasming before they collapsed to the floor. I bet it looked just like Moses parting the Red Sea, only with more involuntary loss of bowel control and clutching of the lower back.

Thousands of women and gay men gathered outside Leicester Square for “Sex and the City’s” London premiere yesterday. The big buzz, of course, was Sarah Jessica Parker’s hideous hat, which served as a welcome distraction from decidedly mixed reviews of the film. The Times of London says

“There may be a problem with a film when a narrator constantly tells you the meaning of what you have just seen. There may be a problem with stretching Sex and the City into a two hour and twenty minute film – it can feel like a never ending dinner party: however pleasant the courses, after a while you can hardly eat another one.”

But of the hat:

Parker topped her custom “pistachio prom-style” Alexander McQueen dress with a made-for-her hat from legendary designer Philip Treacy. Parker’s piece included butterflies, a giant lime-hued rose, some greenery and an acorn top.

All the hat was missing was a mischievous squirrel who pops out at regulated intervals while Benny Hill zips around on a tiny bicycle to campy theme music. That’s probably all the movie was missing, too. You can never have too many impish rodents in a movie, I always say. I also say “God’s wounds!” and “Galatiriel’s beard!” from time to time, but they don’t really apply here. It’s best to save those kind of spirited exclamations for a round of mead at ye old tavern or an online chat with your coven. Frolicsome squirrels, on the other hand, are always comedy gold.¹ You can quote me on that one.

¹_{“Caddyshack,” anyone?}