Both Miranda Kerr and Kim Kardashian were in Australia recently, both hawking handbags, yet there the similarities end. Miranda was there with Louis Vuitton, Kim was with her krappy Kardashian Kollection. They’re like the Yin and Yang of the fashion world. It reminds me of those shitty “arts and crafts” shows where would-be artists display their tacky pastel landscapes and sunsets, or God forbid, pensive clowns, and clueless people stand in front of them and nod to each other and make comments about how “perty” they are. It’s exactly like that, except instead of oils and acrylics in pastel shades, it’s spandex , man-made materials and goldtone finishes. Yech.

Katy Perry was front and center at the Louis Vuitton fashion show in Paris yesterday in this sexy little number. Rowr. Now, don’t speak French, but I think it’s pretty obvious “haute couture” must mean “massive cans.” Everything sounds fancier when you say it in the language of love.

The latest Madonna Louis Vuitton ad has made its way online, a seamless blend of vintage glamour and gritty film noir sexuality (click banner pic for full-size). Of course, I’m presuming “film noir” is French for “from inside the seventh circle of hell.” I don’t know because I don’t speak the language of surrender, as it were. But Frog or not, you have to admit that Louis sure knows what he’s doing. Nothing makes me think “leather bag” like a 50-year old woman’s hoo-ha. Except maybe a catcher’s mitt that’s been left out in the rain or an old bean bag chair that’s been partially deflated and trampled by children, but those things just don’t have the same kind of artistic resonance.

What Madge would look like without all the plastic surgery and placenta wraps — her 4-years-younger sister Melanie: