Hello, my pretties. It’s Sarah. I had a Benadryl smoothie with a shot of Hendricks for breakfast this morning, so today should be a cavalcade of crazy. Are you excited? I’m excited! I might actually just be dizzy and hallucinatory, but to be honest, I haven’t much been able to tell the difference for years. It’s hard work being this awesome, y’all.
Oh hey look, it’s Lourdes. She’s all trussed up in the outfit made famous in her mum’s performance of “Like a Virgin” at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards. Isn’t that sweet? Except for the part about how LOURDES IS 12. Like, twelve (12!) years old. Twelve, motherfuckers. Also, for those of you who’ve never seen Reservoir Dogs or were zygotes in 1984, the song “Like a Virgin” is a little ditty about a slut machine getting banged by a dude so big it was painful. What kind of retard thinks it’s a good idea to tart up a 12-year-old in the “Like a Virgin” costume? Apparently, Madonna is precisely that kind of retard. I wonder if she made Lourdes wear the “Boy Toy” belt, too? Oh, who are we kidding here? I bet Madonna makes Lourdes wear that belt every damn day of her life.
Anyway, this photo was taken on the set of Madonna’s new “Celebration” video. You know, the one where she makes out with Jesus and Lourdes has a seizure in a crowd? Yeah. Who’d have thought that hot mess was the best of the options they had to work with?
The “Celebration” video keeps getting yanked because I guess some people are fussy about copyrights and such, but hopefully this one will stay put long enough for each of you yokels to have the opportunity to torture yourselves:
51-year old Madonna paws at her crotch and thrusts her way through her new video “Celebration,” which also boasts the “talents” of boyfriend Jesus Luz and her preteen daughter Lourdes. The Daily Mail says
Luz, posing as a topless DJ, ends up kissing the mother-of-four before the scene cuts to a troupe of breakdancers - including Madonna’s 12-year-old daughter Lourdes.
If you can’t bear watching the video (I only could because somebody’s paying me to), there’s a “spoken word portion” in which Madge whispers to Luz
Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? You look familiar… You wanna dance? Yeah?
I guess I just don’t recognize you with your clothes on. What are you waiting for?
Yeah, what are you waiting for, Jesus? Her Geritol to kick in? High five!
Madonna’s daughter Lourdes Ciccone Leon was photographed out and about wearing a SpineCor corrective brace, which is commonly used in the treatment of scoliosis. And sure, maybe she has scoliosis. A lot of kids have scoliosis, because good posture is for losers. It’s also possible that she does not have scoliosis and she simply sustained an injury. SpineCor braces are often used by dancers, for example, but serious back injury is not terribly common in one so young as Lourdes. I suspect it’s more likely related to the fact that she probably has to bend over backwards at her mother’s whim at least eight or nine times a day. That shit takes a toll, you know.
File this one under “Things You Only Read about in Fairy Tales with Poison Apples:” Madonna is reportedly jealous of her 12-year old daughter Lourdes’ beauty. According to OK! Magazine
“Madonna can’t stand that Lourdes is growing into a beautiful teen,” a source [says] of the 50-year-old singer. “She seems envious of her youth and looks. She knows Lourdes is going to be gorgeous and will get the attention. It’s disturbing.”
Not surprisingly, the superstar is desperately trying to keep her daughter in a permanent state of girlhood. Last year, the beauty team on Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet Tour had strict orders not to touch Lourdes’s bushy eyebrows. “[And] Madonna refused to let Lourdes have a hairdresser. She probably didn’t want her daughter to look better than her,” [adds] the source.
Mmm, yeah, that seems about right. All that’s left now is for Lourdes to prick her finger on a spinning wheel’s spindle before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday and Madonna can finally turn into the evil fire-breathing dragon she really is. From the looks of her face in that picture, I’d say she’s already halfway there.
Madonna’s daughter Lourdes attended the London premiere of “Fred Claus” yesterday. Something about her face seemed a bit “off” to me, if you know what I mean. So I walked up to her and said, “My, Lourdes, what big eyebrows you have!” She replied, “All the better to see you with.” Then I notced her mouth and exclaimed, “But Lourdes… what big teeth you have!” to which she replied, “All the better to smile at you with.” Then it occured to me what was amiss, and I squatted down and poked a deliberate finger in her chest and said coldly “And my, Lourdes (poke) — if that is your real name (poke) — what a big moustache you have (poke poke poke)!” Then I wrestled her into a headlock and did my damndest to rip off the mask and reveal her Big Bad Wolfiness. Unfotunately, that’s about the time security decided to taser me instead instead of giving me a shotgun like the hunter in “Little Red Riding Hood.” It would seem the police aren’t the literary buffs you’d assume, because they acted like they’d never heard of it. Well, if they’re comfortable with a 200 pound wolf masquerading as a little girl wandering through a theater packed with children, it’s their funeral, not mine. No wolf’s gonna be eating me while I’m safe inside the holding cell. That’s why the say knowledge is power. Take a look — it’s in a book – Reading Rainbow! Also power: a 50,000-volt taser from three yards. But apples and oranges, really. Spine-searing, fire-breathing, thunderbolt-of-Zeus apples and oranges. There’s really no comparison.
