Now that Alex Rodriguez’ divorce has been finalized, he’s finally free to pursue his “soul mate” Madonna. Or at least challenge her to an arm wrestling contest. My money’s on ol’ Madge! Us Weekly says
Madonna and New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez took in a cozy dinner for two at Dos Caminos Third Avenue on Tuesday.They pair ate at an alcove-like table in the back.
“They seemed very close,” a source told Us.
I’m fairly certain that a woman is only supposed to look like that right before she sheds her human form to find a new host. That A-Rod is one lucky guy!
I figure we’ve got five minutes before this video gets yanked, so enjoy this footage of Madonna eating the floor on her Sticky ‘n Sweet tour in Lisbon while you still can. Fast forward to the 47 second mark if the sight of her rubbing her ass cheeks and puss all over her guitar makes you ill. You know that song “While My Guitar Gently Weeps?” Now you can finally understand what George Harrison was talking about. May God have mercy on its soul.
Madonna’s husband Guy Ritchie celebrated his 40th birthday in grand British style at the London pub he and Madge own last night. The Daily Mail says
[Guy] helped [Madonna] to a waiting car at 10pm before heading back inside the pub. The birthday boy didn’t follow her home until 4am. He enjoyed a few drinks and was seen at the window making strange faces in the early hours. The raucous party included an old-fashioned sing-song. Revelers belted out classics such as My Old Man’s a Dustman and It’s a Long Way to Tipperary.
And that’s exactly how I imagined British people party — like it’s eighteen ninety-nine. Arseholed off loads of warm beer and belting out early 20th century music hall marching songs. All that’s missing are the gas lamps and the horseless carriages and a spirited bout of The Minister’s Cat. Pip pip cheerio, mates!
In more shocking celebrity news, it seems that being under the employ of anal perfectionist control freak Madonna isn’t as much fun as it sounds. Gasp! Madge’s world tour crew are reportedly this close to walking out on the Queen of Pop after being shipped EasyJet and dumped in a cheap hotel while she wallowed in Caligulan excess. According to Digital Spy
Things went from bad to worse when [the crew] discovered they would be staying at a [$100]-per-night hotel… while Madonna [flew] out to France on a private jet with her family and stayed at the luxury Chateau Saint Jeannet castle at a cost of [$22,000].
[An insider said], “Trouble has been brewing for a few months in the Madonna camp. Everyone is absolutely furious with her and some of them want to walk out of the tour. They feel they are being treated like second-class citizens, despite all their hard work. They are being forced to stay in horrible places and fly on cheap low-cost flights, while she has the lap of luxury.”
I suppose you could go on tour with Madonna, but you could just as easily go on tour with a bear you roused from hibernation with a cattle prod. Six of one, really. And unless you have buzz saws for hands and cry Holy Water tears, you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell surviving Madonna. At least the bear never makes you lick its shoe and call it “Esther.”
At the “RocknRolla” world premiere in London yesterday:
True to form, Madonna kicked off her Sticky ‘n Sweet tour in Wales Saturday night beaver-first. You don’t make that kind of camel toe a regular part of your ensemble without giving center stage, and, apparently, a rhinestone-covered microphone all its own. Perhaps it planned on reciting the soliloquy from Hamlet, or maybe it just wanted to queef “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” Unfortunately, we’ll never know, because Madonna stuck it in her pants the wrong way. This brings us to today’s important life lesson #736: always make sure when sticking things down your pants that they’re pointed in the right direction. This goes double for ferrets and antique dueling pistols. Just trust me on this one.
Some people like to tempt death for kicks–running with the bulls, swimming with great whites, cliff diving–Felicity Huffman, on the other hand, risked STD’s innumerable and possibly catching a fake British accent when she tried on Madonna’s panties. According to Digital Spy,
Felicity Huffman has confessed that she tried on a pair of Madonna’s underpants in the ’80s.
The Desperate Housewives actress claimed that she found the garment in a dressing room she shared with the singer.
“I was like, ‘This is Madonna’s underwear!’” Huffman told America’s More magazine. “So I tried it on - of course, it didn’t fit me.”
Huffman said the incident occurred when she replaced Madonna in Broadway play Speed-the-Plow in 1988.
Woohoo, I can’t think of a better idea than putting my lady bits on Madonna’s snail trail! Oh yeah, and the reason they didn’t fit her might have been because Felicity doesn’t have a penis. Then again, after looking at her picture, that COULD be debatable. Just sayin’.
Madonna was photographed leaving a Kabbalah center in Manhattan on Friday looking like a Jocelyn Wildenstein cadaver. From the looks of her, Madonna was probably hatched underground by wasps. I’m guessing they used her face for target practice before abandoning her like the cruel velvet ants they are. Wasps are notorious that way. Really, when it comes to sticking around, the only thing worse than a wasp is maybe the black guy that knocked you up. Zing!
Hold on to your breakfast, boys and girls — there’s a Madonna and Alex Rodriguez sex tape out there, just waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting public by the highest bidder. According to the Daily Star
[The man responsible for the video] is demanding a fortune for the footage he claims was shot with a hidden camera in an apartment used by the pair for secret afternoon trysts. The video man claimed he secretly installed a hidden camera in the living room with the lens pointed at the sofa.
Last night Madonna’s lawyers said they were “aware” of the lensman’s claims but were not commenting.
Ooh, that ought to be hot. A half hour of him spotting her while she bench presses her weight in human souls. No thanks.
NSFW Madonna in her Sex book because the video footage isn’t available yet:
Madonna’staste for baseball players had apparently been a long time in the making — former Oakland A Jose Canseco is claiming that she tried to seduce him 17 years ago in the hopes of getting a hold of some of his sweet Cuban sperm. Us Weekly released the following excerpts from his candid interview:
Us: How did it happen?
JC: Her people approached me saying she was interested in meeting me.
Us: What did they say was the reason?
JC: I’m Cuban and she wanted a Cuban child.
Us: And she barely knew you at this point.
JC: She didn’t.
Us: So she was interested in your genes.
JC: Yeah, I’m Cuban 6-foot-3, athletic, built.
Us: At that first meeting, what happened?
JC: She turned on Truth or Dare and showed me the masturbation scene and asked me what I thought about it. Then she sat on my lap and kissed me. I then told her that if I left [my wife] I would lose a lot of money and she said, ‘I have lots of money. Don’t worry about that’.
Well, that’s completely normal. Fucking celebrities, man. It’s like they live on the Island of Dr. Moreau. But with less animal-human hybrids and a lot more burning when you pee.
If you thought Madonna and Britney Spears’ little display at MTV Awards in 2003 was “scandalous,” just wait and see what they have planned for Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet tour later this year. An on-set source told The Sun
“It’s probably the raunchiest stuff she has ever done. It leaves nothing to the imagination and will be very controversial. Britney and Madonna are unwrapped like mummies, to appear together almost naked apart from tiny leather bondage pants and knee-high boots. They then dance closely together, pressing their hands and bodies together. There will be big rows over whether it is sexy, shocking or both.”
It doesn’t say what they’re wrapped in, exactly, but I’m hoping it’s duct tape. That way when the thong-boys hit Britney’s asscrack, it’ll be like ripping a beaver out of a cave and they can wave it around and scream and pretend it’s attacking their faces and freak out everybody in the audience and then be all like, “No, it’s Britney’s ass hair! See?” and everybody would have a good laugh. I know I’d pay $69.95 to see that.
It seems that Madonna has been playing puppet master with the media, planting those are-they-or-aren’t-they divorce rumors herself to stir up free press for her upcoming tour. Boy, she makes the devil look like a fucking amateur, doesn’t she? According to TMZ
Guy and Madge’s peeps have been planning this for months, hoping the hubbub will sell more tickets to her upcoming tour. Well-placed sources tell us the Ritchies plan to officially split in after the Mrs.’ upcoming “Sticky and Sweet” world tour. Why [wait]? Big bucks. The concerts are expected to earn close to $300 mil worldwide.
So… they’re saying I’ve been a pawn in all this? A minion? A stooge? God, I feel so cheap! And not just because I woke up without pants in the back of a Chevy Cavalier this morning. That was just an ironic coincidence.
Alex Rodriguez’ wife Cynthia announced that she is filing for divorce first thing this morning, citing the Yankee star’s relationship with Madonna as “the final straw.” Cynthia claims that Madonna used her religion to exude some kind of mind control over A-Rod. According to the NY Daily News
“This all started with kabbalah,” said the friend. “Alex told Cynthia that he’d discovered that he’d been looking for his soul mate. And now, he said, he’d found her.”
Cynthia Rodriguez told a friend, “I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him. I don’t recognize the man he’s become. He was a sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he’s very cold and calculating.”
Madonna issued the following statement in response:
“I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study. I have learned over the years not to take accusations and the many false reports about me very seriously. I also appreciate how fiction and fact seem to be perceived as one and the same by people who read both newspapers and the internet.”
Madonna would do well to remember the words of François de la Rochefoucauld: “The sure way to be cheated is to think one’s self more cunning than others.” Another good way to wind up cheated? “Being an self-righteous old cunt who doesn’t know when to shut her stupid fucking pie hole already.” That’s a lesser known author, Abby, circa 2008. You know, if any of you want to make it your tag line or senior quote or something.
