^{PHOTO SOURCE: NY Daily News}

Our Lady of the Peace Madonna toured a child care center in Malawi with her adopted children David and Mercy yesterday, where local villagers proclaimed her to be their God. You probably know her better as “White Devil, White Devil.” The Daily Mail says

During the visit, one young orphan told Madonna: ‘You are our god. Where could we have been without you?’

Madonna is said to have looked bemused by the comment. The 51-year-old also promised electricity to a local village.

The singer told [the villagers], “I know you work in darkness. I will bring you electricity.”

And then Madonna said, “Let there be light”: and there was light. And she saw that it was good. And then she said, “Let all of the light be recessed indirect lighting and pink-tinted LEDs.” For Madonna was very, very old.

With Mercy on Kabbalah night:

Yeah, no such luck. Madonna may have thought about throwing herself off a building, but she has so much to live for. No, not her kids or anything, but her work. Daily Mail says,

She may have a tough exterior but Madonna has admitted she took a real blow during her divorced from director Guy Ritchie last year.

The 51-year-old revealed she was distracted only by her work, which included a gruelling world tour.

‘It was a challenging year,’ she says. ‘I may have thrown myself off a building. I think work saved me and I’m very grateful that I had work to do.’

I doubt any harm would have come if she did happen to throw herself off a building. I’ve always said she resembles a muscular spider, and you never know, she might be hiding some spinnerets under those black vinyl bodysuits. Peter Parker ain’t got nothin’ on her!

Just when you thought you couldn’t possibly hate Madonna and Lady Gaga any more than you do right now, they go and do something like this:

Madonna and Lady Gaga continued their catfight from “Saturday Night Live” well into Sunday — they got into a one-on-one dance-off at SoHo hot spot Submercer at a Sunday night birthday party for Madge’s manager. “[The DJ was] alternating their songs ‘Holiday’ and ‘Poker Face,’ and then they both started going at it,” says an onlooker. “Madonna seemed to be the winner. People were going wild.”

There’s not any video of the real dance-off, but just imagine two shemales in S&M attire vogue-ing and thrusting like they’ve got tardive dyskinesia and you’ve pretty much covered it. It’s like my Dad always said — “it’s not really a birthday party unless a tranny pulls a groin muscle.” Of course, “until a little kid throws up from crying so hard” seemed to suffice until I went away to college. Asshole.

Lady Gaga looking more beautiful than she ever looked in her life this past summer:

I dare you to find something unfunnier than Madonna and Lady Gaga’s Saturday Night Live skit. Other than my last ten posts, I mean. That’s not really even trying.

UPDATE: Now with equally unfunny screen cap action!

Now you finally have an answer to that old joke: what do you get when you cross Madonna with a horse? No, I meant besides pages 6, 24, and 83-87 of her Sex book (although page 85 is a technically a donkey if you look close enough). The trick is not to interpret the question literally. Then the joke’s not funny at all. Kind of like this post, if you really think about it. Looks like the joke’s on you, suckas!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin, Splash News

Hello, my pretties.  It’s Sarah.  I had a Benadryl smoothie with a shot of Hendricks for breakfast this morning, so today should be a cavalcade of crazy.  Are you excited?  I’m excited!  I might actually just be dizzy and hallucinatory, but to be honest, I haven’t much been able to tell the difference for years.  It’s hard work being this awesome, y’all.

Oh hey look, it’s Lourdes.  She’s all trussed up in the outfit made famous in her mum’s performance of “Like a Virgin” at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards.  Isn’t that sweet?  Except for the part about how LOURDES IS 12.  Like, twelve (12!) years old.  Twelve, motherfuckers.  Also, for those of you who’ve never seen Reservoir Dogs or were zygotes in 1984, the song “Like a Virgin” is a little ditty about a slut machine getting banged by a dude so big it was painful.  What kind of retard thinks it’s a good idea to tart up a 12-year-old in the “Like a Virgin” costume?  Apparently, Madonna is precisely that kind of retard.  I wonder if she made Lourdes wear the “Boy Toy” belt, too?  Oh, who are we kidding here?  I bet Madonna makes Lourdes wear that belt every damn day of her life.

Anyway, this photo was taken on the set of Madonna’s new “Celebration” video.  You know, the one where she makes out with Jesus and Lourdes has a seizure in a crowd?  Yeah.  Who’d have thought that hot mess was the best of the options they had to work with?

The “Celebration” video keeps getting yanked because I guess some people are fussy about copyrights and such, but hopefully this one will stay put long enough for each of you yokels to have the opportunity to torture yourselves:

I guess bean sprouts and 2% body fat don’t cut it when you’re 51 — Madonna collapsed twice onstage during her Sticky & Sweet show in Bulgaria over the weekend. The Sun says

Madge lost consciousness singing Holiday and had to be held up by a dancer. Then, as she left the stage during Spanish Lesson, she passed out and fell over.

A source said: “Madge was really worried backstage. She had to sit down for a longer than usual between songs. She refused to end the show or take a break after the [first] dizzy spell. She’s suffering from exhaustion… she is anaemic.”

Has anyone considered the idea that maybe she just got tired and fell asleep? Old people like taking naps, you know. And Ovaltine and orthopedic shoes, but that’s neither here nor there.

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News

51-year old Madonna paws at her crotch and thrusts her way through her new video “Celebration,” which also boasts the “talents” of boyfriend Jesus Luz and her preteen daughter Lourdes. The Daily Mail says

Luz, posing as a topless DJ, ends up kissing the mother-of-four before the scene cuts to a troupe of breakdancers - including Madonna’s 12-year-old daughter Lourdes.

If you can’t bear watching the video (I only could because somebody’s paying me to), there’s a “spoken word portion” in which Madge whispers to Luz

Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? You look familiar… You wanna dance? Yeah?
I guess I just don’t recognize you with your clothes on. What are you waiting for?

Yeah, what are you waiting for, Jesus? Her Geritol to kick in? High five!

Duffman, thrusting:

Thousands booed Madonna at a concert in Bucharest this week when she turned her get-in-your-cage-and-dance-monkey performance into a pulpit from which to preach her personal beliefs. Yahoo News says

At first, fans politely applauded — and the cheers gave way to jeers.

“It has been brought to my attention … that there is a lot of discrimination against Romanies and Gypsies in general in Eastern Europe,” she said. “It made me feel very sad. We don’t believe in discrimination … we believe in freedom and equal rights for everyone.”

Thousands booed and jeered her.

“I jeered her because it seemed false what she was telling us. What business does she have telling us these things?” said Ionut Dinu, 23.

It’s hard to take cultural mandates from a fifty year old woman dressed like Ming the Merciless’ daughter from Flash Gordon. All she’s missing is a damn midget on a leash.

Geri Haliwell in a bikini because her daughter Bluebell Madonna, and that’s close enough:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Remember how before Madonna became a children’s book author and foster mother to third world urchins, she used to be a giant whore? Yeah, so does the rest of the world. And now some of that whoredom is up for grabs in an online auction! The Mirror UK says

The personal artifacts [include] two micro cassette tapes of answering machine messages and 21 faxed letters [to former bodyguard turned lover] Jim Albright, [with whom she was involved for] two years.

Her saucy faxed letters to Jim - in which Madge signs off as “Lil’ Booty” — are embarrassing enough.

But what is even worse is the 15-minute VHS tape [made while Madonna was working on the 1993 movie Dangerous Game] called Snake Eyes Wife Swap Footage [that] shows her flashing her boobs while appearing to snort cocaine and inhale nitrous oxide… [before letting] co-star James Russo snort cocaine off her body.

A source said yesterday: “She is mortified. Some of this stuff makes her Sex Book of the 90s look tame. [It's] horrendously embarrassing.”

Bidding on the New York Gotta Have It! auction site for the cassettes starts at $25,000; $10,000 for the tape and [$3,00] for the letters.

Well, let me save you some trouble. Here’s her Penthouse spread. Now here’s her Sex book pics. Using the power of imagination, take those naked images you just saw, add in one dude thrusting, and then put it all on a 15 year-old VHS tape, which in 1993 had the quality resolution roughly equivalent to 320×480 pixels, with a signal-to-noise ratio at 43 dB (DVDs today usually have an S/N ratio at 120+ dB, meaning VHS tapes have three times as much background noise and humming) and voilà! — a fuzzy, grainy, white-noise riddled analog video of Madonna getting railed over a decade ago. Congratulations. I just saved you $10,000.

Having dinner with Dolce and Gabbana:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News

Madonna’s daughter Lourdes Ciccone Leon was photographed out and about wearing a SpineCor corrective brace, which is commonly used in the treatment of scoliosis.  And sure, maybe she has scoliosis.  A lot of kids have scoliosis, because good posture is for losers.  It’s also possible that she does not have scoliosis and she simply sustained an injury.  SpineCor braces are often used by dancers, for example, but serious back injury is not terribly common in one so young as Lourdes.  I suspect it’s more likely related to the fact that she probably has to bend over backwards at her mother’s whim at least eight or nine times a day.  That shit takes a toll, you know.

This is what the SpineCor brace looks like:

Madonna’s appeal of her rejected adoption bid was approved this morning by the Malawi High Court.  From Us Weekly:

On Friday, Malawi’s highest court ruled that Madonna can adopt a second child — 3-year-old Chifundo “Mercy” James — from the African country.

A lower court had denied Madonna’s bid to adopt in April, claiming she had not spent enough time in the country.

But in Friday’s one-hour ruling, Chief Justice Lovemore Munlo praised Madonna’s commitment to helping disadvantaged children and slammed “old laws” that prevented first adoption attempts.

“The matter of residence should be determined at the time of application of the adoption,” Chief Justice Lovemore Munlo said. “In this case, Madonna was in Malawi not by chance but by intention. She is looking after several orphans whose welfare depends on her. She can therefore not be described as a sojourner.”

He later added: “Every child has the right to love.”

Uh huh.  Love.  Suuuuuuuure.  Because Madonna is such a loving mother.  This poor little girl is doomed.  DOOMED, I say!  If she grows up to be even remotely attractive, Madonna might snap and seal her behind a brick wall or something.  But probably not before harvesting her organs in an effort to capture eternal youth, so I guess there’s always that to look forward to.