Madonna was photographed leaving a Kabbalah center in Manhattan on Friday looking like a Jocelyn Wildenstein cadaver. From the looks of her, Madonna was probably hatched underground by wasps. I’m guessing they used her face for target practice before abandoning her like the cruel velvet ants they are. Wasps are notorious that way. Really, when it comes to sticking around, the only thing worse than a wasp is maybe the black guy that knocked you up. Zing!

Hold on to your breakfast, boys and girls — there’s a Madonna and Alex Rodriguez sex tape out there, just waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting public by the highest bidder. According to the Daily Star

[The man responsible for the video] is demanding a fortune for the footage he claims was shot with a hidden camera in an apartment used by the pair for secret afternoon trysts. The video man claimed he secretly installed a hidden camera in the living room with the lens pointed at the sofa.

Last night Madonna’s lawyers said they were “aware” of the lensman’s claims but were not commenting.

Ooh, that ought to be hot. A half hour of him spotting her while she bench presses her weight in human souls. No thanks.

Madonna’s taste for baseball players had apparently been a long time in the making — former Oakland A Jose Canseco is claiming that she tried to seduce him 17 years ago in the hopes of getting a hold of some of his sweet Cuban sperm. Us Weekly released the following excerpts from his candid interview:

Us: How did it happen?

JC: Her people approached me saying she was interested in meeting me.

Us: What did they say was the reason?

JC: I’m Cuban and she wanted a Cuban child.

Us: And she barely knew you at this point.

JC: She didn’t.

Us: So she was interested in your genes.

JC: Yeah, I’m Cuban 6-foot-3, athletic, built.

Us: At that first meeting, what happened?

JC: She turned on Truth or Dare and showed me the masturbation scene and asked me what I thought about it. Then she sat on my lap and kissed me. I then told her that if I left [my wife] I would lose a lot of money and she said, ‘I have lots of money. Don’t worry about that’.

Well, that’s completely normal. Fucking celebrities, man. It’s like they live on the Island of Dr. Moreau. But with less animal-human hybrids and a lot more burning when you pee.

If you thought Madonna and Britney Spears’ little display at MTV Awards in 2003 was “scandalous,” just wait and see what they have planned for Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet tour later this year. An on-set source told The Sun

“It’s probably the raunchiest stuff she has ever done. It leaves nothing to the imagination and will be very controversial. Britney and Madonna are unwrapped like mummies, to appear together almost naked apart from tiny leather bondage pants and knee-high boots. They then dance closely together, pressing their hands and bodies together. There will be big rows over whether it is sexy, shocking or both.”

It doesn’t say what they’re wrapped in, exactly, but I’m hoping it’s duct tape. That way when the thong-boys hit Britney’s asscrack, it’ll be like ripping a beaver out of a cave and they can wave it around and scream and pretend it’s attacking their faces and freak out everybody in the audience and then be all like, “No, it’s Britney’s ass hair! See?” and everybody would have a good laugh. I know I’d pay $69.95 to see that.

It seems that Madonna has been playing puppet master with the media, planting those are-they-or-aren’t-they divorce rumors herself to stir up free press for her upcoming tour. Boy, she makes the devil look like a fucking amateur, doesn’t she? According to TMZ

Guy and Madge’s peeps have been planning this for months, hoping the hubbub will sell more tickets to her upcoming tour. Well-placed sources tell us the Ritchies plan to officially split in after the Mrs.’ upcoming “Sticky and Sweet” world tour. Why [wait]? Big bucks. The concerts are expected to earn close to $300 mil worldwide.

So… they’re saying I’ve been a pawn in all this? A minion? A stooge? God, I feel so cheap! And not just because I woke up without pants in the back of a Chevy Cavalier this morning. That was just an ironic coincidence.

Alex Rodriguez’ wife Cynthia announced that she is filing for divorce first thing this morning, citing the Yankee star’s relationship with Madonna as “the final straw.” Cynthia claims that Madonna used her religion to exude some kind of mind control over A-Rod. According to the NY Daily News

“This all started with kabbalah,” said the friend. “Alex told Cynthia that he’d discovered that he’d been looking for his soul mate. And now, he said, he’d found her.”

Cynthia Rodriguez told a friend, “I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him. I don’t recognize the man he’s become. He was a sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he’s very cold and calculating.”

Madonna issued the following statement in response:

“I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study. I have learned over the years not to take accusations and the many false reports about me very seriously. I also appreciate how fiction and fact seem to be perceived as one and the same by people who read both newspapers and the internet.”

Madonna would do well to remember the words of François de la Rochefoucauld: “The sure way to be cheated is to think one’s self more cunning than others.” Another good way to wind up cheated? “Being an self-righteous old cunt who doesn’t know when to shut her stupid fucking pie hole already.” That’s a lesser known author, Abby, circa 2008. You know, if any of you want to make it your tag line or senior quote or something.

The NY Daily News is reporting that Yankee star Alex Rodriguez and his wife, Cynthia (pictured above), have split after about three months of marital “problems.” It seems that A-Rod isn’t the only one whoring around here lately — according to Us Weekly, Alex Rodriguez’s wife has been nailing singer Lenny Kravitz. The magazine says

Kravitz and Rodriguez’s wife Cynthia have been “spending cozy time” in Paris for at least the past four days. Cynthia and Alex Rodriguez – who wed in 2002 and have two young daughters – attended NBC’s New Year’s Eve 2008 party where Kravitz performed.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave! And no, I’m not talking about Britney Spears’ hair extensions. It’s a metaphor for complexities that sprout from a single lie. I tried to find a better metaphor about a labyrinth made of out orifices and wieners, but it turns out there aren’t any out there. That’s why I made one up. “The shenanigans of those who ho, make a relationship Sloppy Joe.” See, because it’s messy? Yeah? Well, okay then. Fuck you.

Now that Madonna’s seven-year marriage to Guy Ritchie is virtually over, the Material Girl Senior Citizen has been playing late-night “bury the bat” with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. According to Us Weekly

$28-million-a-year Rodriguez, 32, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, [sneaking] out “as late as midnight.”

Rodriguez attended Madonna’s April 30 NYC concert; the singer sat in his seats at a Yankees game on June 22 (it was the first time she ever was photographed at a Yankees game). Her son Rocco, 7, also sported Yankees gear on June 25 while playing in Central Park.

If it weren’t for baseball, A-Rod would be serving as a drug mule for a Colombian cartel or playing pimp to a bunch of underage prostitutes back in the Dominican Republic. Now he’s banging one of the richest women in the world and making millions of dollars for hitting a fucking ball with a stick, while me and my college education teeter right above poverty level. Somewhere, the U.S. Department of Education is pulling down my pants and taunting me, I just know it.

The Madonna/Guy Ritchie divorce is definitely on, with Madonna reportedy upgrading to the same powerhouse attorney who represented Paul McCartney is his divorce from Heather Mills. The Times of London reports

Madonna is… seeking legal advice on a divorce from her husband of seven years. [Attorney] Fiona Shackleton has been lined up by the 49-year-old pop star. [Husband Guy] Ritchie is thought to have had dealings with a lesser-known Mayfair law firm.

Although rumors of a split have been swirling for almost a year now, what was the straw that broke the camel’s back? Besides her being an insufferable egotistical bitch, I mean? Perhaps it was Guy giving the finger to her precious Kabbalah. The Sun says

“Guy has turned his back on Kabbalah once and for all. He also became suspicious of all the Kabbalah crowd living off her money. He told her he doesn’t want anything else to do with it. It didn’t go down well.”

I guess dressing up in costumes for something that doesn’t involve sexual role play and downing $120,000 worth of blessed water a year gets old for a guy after a while. Not to mention that when they were first married, Madonna was technically still a woman. I’m pretty sure he could actually press fraud charges if he wanted to.

Hard Candy press stills:

Get ready to learn more about Madonna than you ever wanted to know in a tell-all book written by her estranged brother. Page Six says

A source said, “[The book] extremely graphic and devastating. He was there through the crazy years and has many stories to tell… he’s seen it all.”

Christopher Ciccone, a gay decorator/chef, was ditched by his sister after she hooked up with her now husband Guy Ritchie, who [actor Rupret] Everett said was “uncomfortable around queens.”

Unless we’re talking about something like her love of post-Victorian architecture and personal choice in dish soap, I don’t think there’s much about Madonna we don’t already know. It’s pretty darn hard to top pictures of someone (NSFW) squatting over a mirror and admiring their own leather donut. Believe me, I’ve tried. It’s scientifically impossible without the aid of a speculum and one of those giant projection screens.

Madonna at the amFAR soiree in Cannes last month:

Despite denying marital trouble for months now, Madonna has reportedly hired celebrity divorce lawyer Nicholas Mostyn. According to Digital Spy

The singer is starting divorce proceedings against her husband Guy Ritchie. The singer apparently met the legal representative at his London office ten days ago.

It was unclear whether Madonna was meeting with Mostyn to begin legal paper work or if she was just there to challenge him to a good old-fashioned arm-wrestling contest. You don’t get those kind of veins without mastering the top roll and hook techniques, baby!

Nipping out in Cannes last month:

Madonna continued convincing the young people how cool she is by using the word “fuck” during a live television performance in England over the weekend. “Fuck,” if you haven’t heard, is a word all the kids these days are saying because it shocks and offends the old folks and the squares. The Sun reports

The singer used the f-word twice during the Radio 1 Big Weekend gig live on BBC3, BBC HD and Radio 1. Holding an S&M-style cane, she [said]: “You guys are going to have to start [fucking] it up out there [because] I need to feel some love. I’m going to do an old song. But not too old. [Fuck] the present. Let’s live in the past.”

Radio 1 apologised on Saturday, saying: “An incredible performance… that said, a quick apology for those people who might have felt the content offensive.” The BBC later confirmed they did receive complaints.

So, did the young folks buy it? Not so much. The Daily Mail said

In a savage review The Times wrote she was “sterile” and “soulless” resembling “an embarrassing auntie desperately trying to be hip”.

Going to a Madonna concert now would be like being invited to dine at the Hall of Justice. Sounds good in theory. Only when you actually get to the Hall of Justice, you discover you’re stuck at a table in the corner with Hawkwoman and the Blue Beetle instead of anybody cool. And the whole time Hawkwoman is arguing that she can so digest fur and bones and the Blue Beetle keeps blathering about the importance vitamins and yelling “Bwah-ha-ha!” every five minutes. You’re be better off just staying home.