If you didn’t catch her wincingly awful performance on SNL last weekend, Lana del Rey is the latest thing to be shat out of a music industry attempting to capitalize on the success of Amy Winehouse and “Mad Men.” But this “gangster Nancy Sinatra,” as she’s calling herself — no, really — is actually one failed pop star Lizzy Grant, before the nose job and lip injections and the Miss Clairol hair. Calling her a hipster fraud would be giving her entirely too much credit.

You can watch her newest video “Born to Die” after the jump, and while you’re at it, might I also suggest you do a couple of bong hits and re-watch her Saturday Night Live performance? I find it’s extra hilarious when you’re high:

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Evan Rachel Wood likes to think she’s pushing the envelope with her new androgynyous haircut and her tiny androgynous breasts, but I find her entire Flaunt shoot completely trite and cliched. It’s the sorta crap a first-year art student who’s just come out of the closet in the big city would post in his online gallery under the title “Duality of Being: the Dénouement.”

Julianne Hough has a lovely spread in this month’s issue of Prestige Hong Kong, and I went out on a limb and assumed you hadn’t already bought the magazine. She looks nice and all, but that sweater she’s wearing on the cover is a little small, isn’t it? I wouldn’t have thought Ryan Seacrest would let her borrow his best cashmere shrug for some photo shoot. Especially if she were gonna wear those shoes with it.

The August issue of Remix magazine features a photo shoot with gorgeous Victoria’s Secret Angel/Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton, but 1) she’s not wearing lingerie, and 2) she’s not wearing a bikini. That should pretty much solve the mystery as to why you’ve never heard of Remix magazine before today.

36-year-old mom of fourteen Nadya Suleman talked about her loathing of sex and masturbation as she posed in a bikini for the latest issue of Steppin’ Out magazine. They wanted her to talk about her loathing of food while wearing a chef’s hat and gnawing on a turkey leg, but everyone agreed that just seemed weird. The NY Daily News says:

Even when she was married, Suleman said she never liked to be intimate with her husband.

“I can tell you that I never touched [my husband] physically. It was a different type of marriage. I’m the kind of person who can be with a man for years and never touch him. My mind is not wired that way. I don’t need that kind of thing. People need sex, but I don’t .. I have zero sexual interest.”

And that includes with herself.

“I’ve never even touched myself in that way,” she added. “Maybe if I had touched myself things would be different. I never tried it so I don’t know what I’m missing.”

Fourteen kids, but completely sexually repressed? Sounds like a textbook Catholic if you ask me.

Nobody likes Gwyneth Paltrow, and no matter how hard she tries to sound cool and down-to-earth, she always comes off like a pretentious cunt. Case in point — her interview in next month’s Elle Magazine:

On getting support from Beyoncé on her surprise duet with Cee Lo Green at the Grammys: “This story always makes me cry… It’s 10 in the morning and Beyoncé schleps it all the way down to the Staples Center to watch. I mean, She’s Beyoncé!”

On the advice Beyoncé gave her before her performance: “Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”

On creating a solo album: “Beyoncé and Jay — they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go… in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”

I have never seen such a blatant case of flagrant name-dropping in all my life. Jesus Christ. We get it, Gwyneth! You’re friends with Beyonce and Jay-Z. BFD. I have black friends, too. Well… I know some black people. Know of them, anyway. I generally avoid them unless it’s sunny or I have less than twenty bucks on me. Now what were we talking about again? Oh, right:

On showing the world a different side of herself: “If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then… Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”

On deciding to launch GOOP: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”

On going public with her personal care regimens: “It’s so much easier to sit home and not exercise and criticize other people. What I love is inspiring people. People come up to me and say, ‘I want to have two kids and wear a bathing suit and not feel terrible about myself. I see how hard you work and it makes me feel like I can do that too.’”

It may surprise you, Gwyneth, but most of Middle America isn’t going to Europe to get their snatch waxed. And most of Middle America is too worried about how they’re gonna raise their kids after losing their jobs to worry about how those kids ruined their swimsuit figure. It’s called “reality.” More people would like you if you spent any time in it.

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Kim Kardashian graces the cover of the premiere issue of World’s Most Beautiful, the first-ever magazine shot entirely in 3-D. She posted some pics from the shoot and wrote on her official site:

The magazine comes out Thursday and is the world’s first 3-D magazine… so you need 3-D glasses to see the photos! How cool is that!?

Nick Saglimbeni came up with the idea and we had the most amazing shoot out in the desert with all kinds of stunning outfits.

These are the 2D versions of the Issue 1 cover shoot!!

Ironic that the world’s first 3-D magazine would feature the world’s most one-dimensional person. As if her ass weren’t already big enough in two dimensions.

Three pics from the shoot + pics from her bachelorette party:

I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason Olivia Wilde has her fist in her crotch and a flannel shirt around her waist. Maybe it’s 1992 and she really, really has to pee.

From the August issue (thumbs 1-5) + outtakes from the shoot:

Lady Gaga and her “bones” posed in a provocative shoot for NME magazine, which I assumed was a periodical published by Nightmare Enterprises for King Dedede to aid in his attempts to take down the mighty star warrior Kirby. Apparently this was not the case, although it may still give you nightmares. She says in the interview (via the Daily Mail):

“I feel I have been probed endlessly about who the fuck I am. I have been quite open about it. And still nobody seems to have a clue.

I’m not going to start churning out what you expect. If you’re looking for me to be something that isn’t there, STOP LOOKING. I am not that. I am not created. If you want me to be a manufactured act, you can fuck off.

Let me tell you something. If you fucking rip my hairbow and my wig off my fucking head, my shoes, my bra, every single thing on my body, and you throw me on a piano with a microphone, I will fucking make you cry.”

She’s right, you know. You would cry. Seeing that disgusting leprechaun naked on a piano would unleash a torrent of anguish and despair unlike anything you had ever known. It’s the same feeling you get after seeing “Two Girls, One Cup” or when the bartender cuts you off before happy hour is even over.

Her new controversial single “Judas”:

I didn’t think any Parisian fashion houses designed with the massive rear end in mind, but rapper Nicki Minaj managed to stuff her ass into some haute couture in the May issue of Elle magazine. It’s good to know you can have more crack than a drug dealer and still dress like a white girl with a house in the Hamptons. I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would be proud.

I like Miley Cyrus‘ assertion on the cover of March’s Marie Claire that she “never, ever said I was perfect”. A classic cop-out statement to release responsibility for herself for the bad image she put out there for her underage fans. I’ve heard ‘em all. “It was the alcohol talking”, or how about “I wouldn’t have gotten that ticket for doing 103 if you weren’t such a bitch when I get home late” or my personal favorite, “I was totally sleepwalking when I banged the neighbor”. It’s my favorite because I’ve used that one. On more than one occasion.

Looks like they did a good job of Photoshopping the ‘tard out of her:

Former Hills star Heidi Montag is boo-hooing to Life & Style magazine about her numerous plastic surgery scars that no one even would have ever seen had she not made the photographer zoom in 200x and then drawn little arrows pointing to them. The Daily Mail says:

She revealed a two-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a jagged line behind her ears from having them pinned back, lumpy legs and four spots on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction, a bright-red mark inside her right nostril, uneven boobs and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job.

“I feel like I’m stuck with [my G-cup breasts] now,” she told the magazine. “Sometimes I wish I could go back to the original Heidi. I would love to not be ‘plastic girl’ or whatever they call me.

I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back. Surgery has ruined my career and my personal life and just brought a lot of negativity into my world.”

Yes, surgery ruined her career. Not her complete lack of talent or likability. Not her douchebag asshat of a husband. Not MTV. Surgery. Even Sarah Palin isn’t that much in denial.