Well, look who’s on the cover of next month’s Elle magazine! It’s Carrie Bradshaw, patron saint of wannabe fashionistas everywhere. I guess being perceived as a clotheshorse has really paid off for Sarah Jessica Parker. God knows it has to be better than just being perceived as a regular horse like before. Zing!

In Equistrian Monthly Bridle & Bit the December issue of Elle:

Former Bond girl Eva Green gives a whole new meaning to the term “buffing the table.” I’d like to wax her floor and vacuum her lampshade, if you know what I mean! Cause I sure as hell don’t.

Completely NSFW naked in “The Dreamers:

“Twilight’s” Ashley Greene has two different covers for the December issue of Maxim. I guess it’s some kind of marketing ploy to get you to buy two copies of the same magazine, but I’m not sure the the public is going to go for that kind of fuckery in today’s economy. Unless one of the covers is scratch-and-sniff and the other one is 3-D and topographically correct, I ain’t buyin’. Masturbation isn’t an art; it’s a science! And I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to pay for science. I’ll save that for the hippie liberals and their left-wing agenda.

Putting the “tight” in Twilight over the last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Rachel Bilson sexes it up in the November issue of Flaunt magazine, and boy, is flaunt ever right. Rawr. She’s like a (NSFW) young Sophia Loren, that one. I still can’t believe someone as hot as she is is engaged to the douchebag that forever ruined Darth Vader. It’s like finding out Princess Leia married Jar Jar fucking Binks. Blasphemy!

Over a year and a half after it happened, Rihanna is finally opening up about the beating Chris Brown gave her in next month’s issue of Glamour magazine. She says in the interview (via Reuters):

On the ordeal with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown: “I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the
next day.”

On her message to young women: “My story was broadcast all over the world for
people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women.”

On how she made it back: “My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and everyone has been there for me. But at some point you are there alone. It’s a lonely place to be — no one can understand. That’s when you get close to God.”

Another time you get close to God? When you wake up bleeding from the anus in a drainage ditch off I-40 without any pants or memory of the last three days and there’s two men in overalls with shovels standing over you. Let me tell you, Jesus and I were never closer.

Nicole Kidman dishes about sex and marriage in a more-than-you-ever-wanted-to-know interview in next month’s GQ magazine. The Daily Mail quotes her as saying:

‘I’ve explored obsession. I’ve explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I’ve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy,’ she said.

But she described her present marriage as ‘raw’ and ‘dangerous’.

‘You work on it,’ she said. ‘It’s a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous.’

“Raw” and “dangerous?” I’m sorry — isn’t she married to Keith Urban? The only thing “raw” about that guy is maybe his ass cheeks because his leather pants were so tight they chafed. He’s about as dangerous as a retard wielding a pair of safety scissors and a giant foam finger.

Looking like a wax statue at the Omega store on Fifth Avenue last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

The Office’s Pam Beasly looks absolutely amazing on the cover of next month’s Shape magazine. And the best part is, she didn’t even use a personal trainer or dietitian to lose all the weight — she’s been completey hands-on, doing it all by herself. Ha ha, that’s what she said! Okay, so maybe it’s funnier when Michael Scott says it.

Showing a little cleave at the “He’s Just Not That Into You” premiere:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News

A bunch of super-sexy pictures from January Jones’ September GQ photo shoot made their way onto the interwebs yesterday. These were the outtakes, in that they didn’t print them. Yeah. I guess they figured, “Who wants to look at more sexy pics of January Jones when you can read five extra pages of “The Well-Dressed Gentleman’s Guide to Cashmere?” I think it’s also safe to say that GQ’s primary audience is largely homosexual.

I gave you the sexy November cover a couple of weeks ago; now, I’m giving you the goods — Battlestar Galactica’s Tricia Helfer and Grace Park in next month’s issue of Maxim magazine. To be honest, I don’t know much about either of the women, but by the looks of this photo, I’m guessing Grace Park spent most of her life crouched over a bowl of cornmeal brushing flies from the corners of her eyes, and Tricia appears to have suffered from amoebic dysentery for the last fifteen or so years. I honestly don’t know whether I want to take off my pants or donate to the Christian Children’s Fund here.

Please, won’t you call today:

If you want to see a waste of a perfectly good naked woman, try on next month’s Details magazine for size. You’ll find American Idol runner-up and notorious flamer Adam Lambert doing his best hetero impression all over a beautiful naked female model inside. I just don’t get it. Adam Lambert is gay, and Details magazine is gay… it doesn’t make any sense. The only way a naked woman is going to appeal to that target demographic is if there’s an article about the sophisticated old world charm wainscoting adds to a room and a recipe for the perfect risotto al Barolo printed on her backside.

Those “water goddess” pictures of Kim Kardashian I put up earlier this week were actually part of her shoot for next month’s South African FHM. Because really, with all the HIV, gang rape, and rampant murder, why wouldn’t you want to do a bikini shoot in South Africa? For authenticity’s sake, though, they should have included a few shots of a farmer getting stabbed in the neck and maybe a school girl or two being jackrolled in the background. These just smack of American opulence.

I can’t believe ESPN would put Ugly Wanda on the cover of their ‘Body Issue,’ because Jamie Foxx isn’t even a real athlete. He only played one in “Any Given Sunday.” That’s fraud, buddy!