Jalouse magazine somehow got their hands on a limited edition Megan Fox with realistic kung fu grip and swivel arm action, but I’m still holding out for one with a double-hinged jaw and 180 degree leg rotation. So long as it’s still in its original packaging.
The magazine is called “Men’s Style,” but it was good that they put Kate Beckinsale on the cover. Frankly, I don’t see that tuxedo really working on anything with balls.
If you smear enough Vaseline on the lens and photoshop fifteen pounds off her, Christina Hendricks looks alright. It’s what we in the industry refer to as “the Jose Cuervo effect.”
Kate Moss is two years shy of forty, but that hasn’t stopped her from flashing her tits every chance she gets. Needless to say, she’s my own personal hero.
Drunken upskirt while celebrating the big 3-8 in London:
Izabel Goulart is a Victoria’s Secret/Sports Illustrated model with a body that could move a man to tears, but the good folks at Muse decided the perfect backdrop for all that nekkid splendor was a dirty public restroom. I guess the juxtaposition of the two is supposed to be provocative somehow, in the same way that poking a diamond into a turd might be considered provocative. Is it a metaphor for the ugliness of consumerism? Does it represent the dirty reality of a society mired in youth-obsession and vanity? Or is it just a really crappy attempt to shock you into thinking it’s somehow art? I don’t really know. Maybe we should ask Izabel Goulart’s tits. They seem to know what’s up.
This year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover girl Kate Upton does her best Marilyn Monroe for MUSE magazine, which up until now I always assumed was just a periodical for pretentious artist types and hipsters. And by “up until now” I mean “30 seconds ago,” because I’d never actually heard of MUSE magazine before then. It doesn’t really matter, though, because Kate Upton’s naked inside. That’s really all anybody needs to know here.
If you didn’t catch her wincingly awful performance on SNL last weekend, Lana del Rey is the latest thing to be shat out of a music industry attempting to capitalize on the success of Amy Winehouse and “Mad Men.” But this “gangster Nancy Sinatra,” as she’s calling herself — no, really — is actually one failed pop star Lizzy Grant, before the nose job and lip injections and the Miss Clairol hair. Calling her a hipster fraud would be giving her entirely too much credit.
You can watch her newest video “Born to Die” after the jump, and while you’re at it, might I also suggest you do a couple of bong hits and re-watch her Saturday Night Live performance? I find it’s extra hilarious when you’re high:
Evan Rachel Wood likes to think she’s pushing the envelope with her new androgynyous haircut and her tiny androgynous breasts, but I find her entire Flaunt shoot completely trite and cliched. It’s the sorta crap a first-year art student who’s just come out of the closet in the big city would post in his online gallery under the title “Duality of Being: the Dénouement.”
Julianne Hough has a lovely spread in this month’s issue of Prestige Hong Kong, and I went out on a limb and assumed you hadn’t already bought the magazine. She looks nice and all, but that sweater she’s wearing on the cover is a little small, isn’t it? I wouldn’t have thought Ryan Seacrest would let her borrow his best cashmere shrug for some photo shoot. Especially if she were gonna wear those shoes with it.
The August issue of Remix magazine features a photo shoot with gorgeous Victoria’s Secret Angel/Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton, but 1) she’s not wearing lingerie, and 2) she’s not wearing a bikini. That should pretty much solve the mystery as to why you’ve never heard of Remix magazine before today.
36-year-old mom of fourteen Nadya Suleman talked about her loathing of sex and masturbation as she posed in a bikini for the latest issue of Steppin’ Out magazine. They wanted her to talk about her loathing of food while wearing a chef’s hat and gnawing on a turkey leg, but everyone agreed that just seemed weird. The NY Daily News says:
Even when she was married, Suleman said she never liked to be intimate with her husband.
“I can tell you that I never touched [my husband] physically. It was a different type of marriage. I’m the kind of person who can be with a man for years and never touch him. My mind is not wired that way. I don’t need that kind of thing. People need sex, but I don’t .. I have zero sexual interest.”
And that includes with herself.
“I’ve never even touched myself in that way,” she added. “Maybe if I had touched myself things would be different. I never tried it so I don’t know what I’m missing.”
Fourteen kids, but completely sexually repressed? Sounds like a textbook Catholic if you ask me.
Nobody likes Gwyneth Paltrow, and no matter how hard she tries to sound cool and down-to-earth, she always comes off like a pretentious cunt. Case in point — her interview in next month’s Elle Magazine:
On getting support from Beyoncé on her surprise duet with Cee Lo Green at the Grammys: “This story always makes me cry… It’s 10 in the morning and Beyoncé schleps it all the way down to the Staples Center to watch. I mean, She’s Beyoncé!”
On the advice Beyoncé gave her before her performance: “Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”
On creating a solo album: “Beyoncé and Jay — they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go… in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”
I have never seen such a blatant case of flagrant name-dropping in all my life. Jesus Christ. We get it, Gwyneth! You’re friends with Beyonce and Jay-Z. BFD. I have black friends, too. Well… I know some black people. Know of them, anyway. I generally avoid them unless it’s sunny or I have less than twenty bucks on me. Now what were we talking about again? Oh, right:
On showing the world a different side of herself: “If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then… Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”
On deciding to launch GOOP: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”
On going public with her personal care regimens: “It’s so much easier to sit home and not exercise and criticize other people. What I love is inspiring people. People come up to me and say, ‘I want to have two kids and wear a bathing suit and not feel terrible about myself. I see how hard you work and it makes me feel like I can do that too.’”
It may surprise you, Gwyneth, but most of Middle America isn’t going to Europe to get their snatch waxed. And most of Middle America is too worried about how they’re gonna raise their kids after losing their jobs to worry about how those kids ruined their swimsuit figure. It’s called “reality.” More people would like you if you spent any time in it.
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