Lindsay Lohan was photographed “necking” with rumored girlfriend Samantha Ronson at P. Diddy’s yacht party in Cannes yesterday. The Sun says

In one shot Lindsay nuzzles the DJ’s neck, while in another they’re holding hands leaving at 5:30 a.m. A fellow guest said: “They looked like proper lovebirds. And they didn’t care who saw them draped over each other.”

Rumours that Lindsay and Samantha were lovers started last year.

In Lindsay’s defense, it’s pretty hard to resist the call of a pork pie hat. Next to a heartfelt ballad played on the didgeridoo or a your collection of mint-condition Star Wars action figures, it’s practically the only thing guaranteed to moisten a girl’s panties. Well, maybe a good kick in the bladder, too. But that’s just not as sexy.

Yielding to the pork pie call in at Dolce & Gabbana in Cannes:

Actor Jude Law has descended from the resplendent heights of Sienna Miller kitty-dom to the D-list shantytown known as Kimberly Stewart. The two were photographed sucking face at 195 Nightclub in Essex over the weekend. According to The Sun

“Jude Law’s the first big name we have ever seen in there. We couldn’t believe it when we saw Kimberly Stewart snogging [his] face off. They were really going at it and barely came up for air. [We] asked if we could have our photo taken with them… they said no, turned back to face each other again then carried on kissing.”

I guess those rumors of Jude Law being a satyriasist are completely true. I wouldn’t patch my damn roof with Kimberly Stewart’s face, and yet here he is bumping uglies with her. For all intents and purposes, he could have just covered his wiener in haggis and bean dip casserole and then let a couple of wolverines take turns chewing on it. Last time I checked, there was still a little dignity in that.

More haggis, anyone?

Britney Spears has been getting an awful lot of attention lately, so Paris Hilton decided to swing the limelight her way with a fake lesbian make-out session with “House of Wax” co-star Elisha Cuthbert. Page Six says

Revelers at Tenjune in the Meatpacking District Tuesday night spotted Paris making out with “24″ star Elisha Cuthbert. “They were drinking and dancing, and all of suddenly they just started kissing,” said the onlooker who told us the liplock lasted “about a minute.” Cuthbert’s rep denies the story, although several witnesses confirmed they saw the face-suck.

That’s one of those things that sounds sexy until you get up close. Sorry, but those two are just gross. Paris Hilton looks like a combination of the Goon from Popeye and claymation Gumby and Elisha Cuthbert might as well be my seventh grade gym teacher with that haircut. It’s just like that time I rented this flick called “From Pole to Pole” and ended up with a documentary about the Earth’s inconstant magnetic field instead of the penis-fest I was expecting. Needless to say, I won’t be hitting up PBS for porn anymore. That goes double for the Discovery Channel and TLC. “Wild Down Under” my ass.

Paris arriving at the TRL Tuesday and Elisha shopping at Bristol Farms over the weekend:

If Pete Doherty’s nipples didn’t melt your panties earlier, ladies, allow me to present a little hot tongue-on-tongue Jared Leto/Ashely Olsen action. Us Weekly says

Ashley Olsen, 21, and Jared Leto, 36 — who dated briefly in 2005 — turned heads while holding hands at the Art of Elysium gala in L.A. on Jan. 12. “They looked like a couple and they were making out,” a witness tells Us.

Think “Ethran, warlock of the Coven of Rasehmen” sucking face with a 45-year old diabetic meth addict turned truck stop prostitute. Then punch yourself in the stomach a couple of times, shove a trout in your mouth and finish up with a thorough dusting cigarette butts and eyeliner. It’s pretty much the same thing as making out with the two of them, only minus the pussy emo soundtrack and the dead animal skins.

Ashely doing a little Sabbat shopping with the coven last month: