Iron Man actress Gwyneth Paltrow was photographed bare-faced and makeup-free at a party in the Hamptons last night. It’s not really the best look for her. Unless “relief map of the sink holes of Permian Kaibab” was the look she was going for, in which case she totally nailed it. You could go spelunking in pores that big.

With a face full of paint at the “Two Lovers” premiere in May:

Two years ago, I dressed up as Mystique from X-Men for Halloween. It was the most kick-ass costume ever. I had a bright red wig, yellow contacts, and a blue swimsuit I hand-decorated with blue scales. It took me two and a half hours and almost four bottles of body paint to get ready. Even then, I only had on half as much makeup as Christina Aguilera in the above picture. If Homer Simpson’s makeup gun ever had a “seek and destroy” setting, you’re fucking looking at it right here.

Editor’s note: Ever wondered what a post-op tranny’s tits might look like after a grease fire? Wonder no more!!

More of Frankentits at Luxor’s LAX Nightclub Friday night:

Britney Spears was involved in a minor car accident on the 101 Freeway in L.A. Saturday night. The California Highway Patrol report says that Britney “attempted to brake but failed to stop her vehicle,” rear-ending the Nissan in front of her and pushing it into a third “older model vehicle.” Britney later passed the field sobriety test, so if she wasn’t drunk or high at the time of the crash, what exactly went wrong? According to TMZ

Minutes before Britney Spears caused a three car crash on an Saturday night, she was… putting on her makeup behind the wheel!

The [man she hit] says before the accident, he was admiring the white Mercedes and the woman putting on makeup while driving it. It wasn’t until after she hit him at an estimated 10-15 MPH that he realized the woman was Britney.

The Cleburne County Fair later got hold of the accident pics and set them up in a booth under a banner that read “You done heard of lipstick on a pig. Now watch as the pig puts on its own lipstick — while drivin a car!” Fair attendance reported record highs and sales of Mary Kay and pork products in Herber Springs are rumored to have tripled.

Looking as good as Paula Abdul doesn’t come easy. In fact, perfecting the Abdullian visage requires nearly a third of your entire day and the steady troweling hand of a brickmason. MSNBC says

One makeup artist who very recently worked with Abdul said that it routinely takes as long as four hours before she’s satisfied with her hair and makeup. “Getting her out of the house is a major effort,” said the source. “It… [gets] in the way of real life.”

And real life is something Paula hasn’t been acquainted with for years now, so of course that’s not a problem. But for the readers at home who want to achieve Paula’s dramatic look and haven’t the four extra hours or a team of professionals to spare, allow me to suggest downing a liter of gin and turning one of those Homer Simpson-style makeup guns on yourself at point-blank range. Add extensions, mist with hairspray, mist with hairspray, mist with hairspray, and voilà! — drag queen glamor is all your own.

Paula at “Idol Gives Back” earlier this week:

Look out, fashion world — Amy Winehouse is launching her own clothing and make-up line! For a couple of quid, you, too, can look just as sexy as the girl pictured above. London’s The Sun says

Amy has a meeting scheduled for later this week to discuss the project with fashion and cosmetics experts. A pal revealed yesterday: “There could be hairspray, head scarves, liquid eyeliner. There’s a lot of money to be made. It’s a very distinctive look.”

Well, “syphilitic pirate” and “down-on-his-luck cobbler” are distinctive looks, too, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to appeal to the public at large. And even if they did, why would the public pay to look that way when they could just pass out headlong in a drainage ditch after a night of binge drinking and huffing VCR head cleaner for free? If she really wants to appeal to her target demographic, she should come out with a line of stick-on tattoos and black tooth wax and a little something called Junkie Splash^TM — now with genuine Amy Winehouse¹ urine! Hepatitis and self-loathing sold separately.

¹_{Or hobo}