I’m sorry, what was that? You’ll have to speak up. I can’t hear you over Nicki Minaj’s makeup. It looks like they snapped that photo the exact moment she realized that dark spot in her periphery was just the shadow cast from the rail of bronzer going down the side of her nose.

At the sixth annual Billboard “Women in Music” event in New York Friday night:

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PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

You would need help not tipping over if you were wearing 5 pounds of slap. That’s not even counting the weight of dermal fillers and hair extensions.

The first of Giorgio Armani Holiday Makeup ads are out today, starring a dead-eyed and soulless Megan Fox that wouldn’t even make the cutting room floor at Madame Tussaud’s. It’s probably just as well. Enough concealer to cover the bags under your eyes, the cold sore on your mouth and the rugburn on your forehead is really all the “holiday makeup” a girl ever needs anyway.

A few more ads plus some of her and husband Brian Austin Green in L.A. earlier this month:

Mexican he-she who’ll suck your dick for five dollars, or Jersey Shore’s Snooki? It’s alright — take your time. Even her own mother wasn’t sure.

At Harrah’s Resort in Atlantic City last Friday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

These are supposed to be pictures of Megan Fox for Giorgio Armani Beauty’s 2011 campaign. Unfortunately, all I could find is this photo of nice Asian lady and what appeared to be a series of lovely oil paintings.

Gwen Stefani stepped out in a uber low-cut dress at the premiere of The Tree of Life in Cannes yesterday, probably in the hopes it would distract you from all the slap on her on her face. Seriously, WTF? It looks like she had her makeup done by Phyllis Diller. In the dark. After she got done pounding a fifth of gin. Even Bozo the Clown doesn’t wear that much goddamn makeup.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Ashley Judd looked liked she’d been flour-bombed in the face while promoting her autobiography All That Is Bitter And Sweet in New York yesterday. Maybe next time she’ll think twice before applying pressed powder with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.

15 years younger Ashley naked in Norma Jean and Marilyn (NSFW):

You’d think with all the makeup that Taylor Momsen drowns her face in, she could spare a little for the big freaking red pimples on her neck. I guess all that time on the tour bus, you pick up some bad habits, like picking said pimples and screwing your bandmates. Add a few more and she’d have her own Ring of Fire.

Getting off her tour bus in Vienna:

The last time I saw this much sexy, it was inside a dive bar and serving me drinks. I call it an “It” since it was so encrusted with makeup and the patina of years of cigarette smoke exposure that I’m not sure it was still quite a woman. At least I only had to give the thing in the bar a few bucks in a tip; who knows how much they’re still paying Kate Moss for photoshoots. I’d tell them, next time, just visit your local bar. It would be so much more affordable.

In Rio de Janeiro for an upcoming Brazilian Vogue photoshoot. I hope their Photoshop artists are warming up.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Taylor Swift is the new face of CoverGirl’s NatureLuxe line, and the first of her ads was released yesterday. And… well, I don’t have anything negative to say. I’m sorry. She’s just so damn wholesome and cute. The good news is they can always use her as anti-venom if you accidentally get a Lindsay Lohan bite. They’re a lot more common than you’d think.

More from the CoverGirl shoot, plus a couple of her at the AMA’s:

PHOTO CREDIT: CoverGirl, Fame Pictures

It’s amazing what makeup and photoshop will do for a mare girl. Here’s Hilary Swank looking downright pretty in September’s InStyle Magazine. But even the photographers had the horse sense during this photo shoot to connect Hilary back to her equine roots. Notice the caption that says “Close Range”? Where, may I ask, do young fillies like to roam? And what horse will say no to a nice, juicy apple? So, who agrees with me? Stomp your hoof once for yes, two for no.

No, that’s not chemical burns in the pic on the left; it’s Kat Von D wearing her own line of tattoo concealer for Sephora, but without all the retouching on the right. See if you can guess which of those they’re running in the ad campaign. But it’s good to know they’ve got back up pics if psoraisis and Rocky Mountain Fever ever become all the rage in 2009. Wouldn’t want to put all our eggs in one lie-blackened basket, now would we, Sephora?

At the Teen Choice Awards (top) and in German FHM (bottom):