I don’t know who would want to ruin a perfectly good set of pictures of Marisa Miller being sexy by Sharpie-ing eyebrows like those on her face. Groucho Marx or Bert from Sesame Street certainly come to mind. In reality, it was probably some woman-hating gay in a mesh tank top and studded satin pants wielding a kohl eye pencil and enough abject bitterness to fuel an entire army of Rupert Everetts. So probably my dad, then. Yeah. Sorry about that.

Scarlett Johansson graces the cover of next month’s Elle Canada, which poses an interesting question: why would Elle have a Canadian edition? Canada is about the least fashionable country ever, right behind Turkmenistan and The Federated States of Micronesia. There’s only so much you can write about the versatility of the Maple Leaf away-game jersey or the panache that ear flaps add to any woolen hat before it starts to get redundant.

Jessica Gomes seems to have magically Anglicized herself in the March issue of Australian Maxim. She’s like a completely fucking different person. Last time we saw her, she looked a whole lot more, um… exotic, if you catch my drift. I guess you can only go so far in the industry as “Nail Tech #9″ and “Prostitute Turned War Bride/Dry Cleaner.” Crouching tiger, crappy paycheck!

Jessica Biel and Jennifer Garner team up in a best friends-y photo shoot for next month’s issue of Marie Claire, and seeing them side by side like this makes you wonder — which one got the better fake lips? (The last two thumbs below are before-and-after pics of both actresses for your reference.) I’ve been looking at them all morning and I still can’t decide. I think the only way to settle this is with science, by which I mean a good ol’ fashioned girl-on-girl kiss-off. You know, to measure, uh, lip density and overall volume and… um, pressure per square inch and then map it on a graph for an accurate and fair comparison. Or we could just go with a full body contact naked oil wrestling match. See, the great thing about science is that it’s pretty impartial.

Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester can look like a zombie hooker after a triple root canal, and then she can look like this. I don’t know what to make of it. She’s a classic case of the Seinfeld Two-Face. I’m pretty sure only Harvey Dent ever changed that fast.

In the March 2010 issue of InStyle:

I’m sure you lay awake at night worrying about it, but now you can finally rest easy — Nicole Richie never actually had an eating disorder after all. The Daily Mail says

Nicole has come forward [in the March issue of Marie Claire UK] to reassure fans she has always been healthy [and] blast critics who had accused her of suffering from an eating disorder, [saying], “I felt it was a little unfair to say someone has an eating disorder when they don’t. It’s extremely insulting and irresponsible.”

Nicole revealed she is naturally skinny and finds it difficult to put on weight. “When I was heavier, everyone said I was too heavy,” [she said]. “You can’t win in the public eye and I find it really hard. So I ignore it now, I really do.”

I guess “ignoring it” really means “discussing it at length it in a two-page article in a major women’s magazine with an international fan base.” Someone should really tell my ex-boyfriend that’s he’s been doing it all wrong for the last two months.

In the March 2010 issue of Marie Claire: