Now here’s a costume that’s all trick and no treat! The trick of course being “an enormous shoehorn and two industrial-sized tubs of Crisco.” Mariah would have made a much more convincing Huttese crime lord or Outer Rim gas giant.

Cheesah beecha wonky Chewbacca:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Even MORE of Fatty Fatty Fat Fat after the jump!

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Mariah Carey was already shitfaced last night when she arrived at One Little West 12th in the wee hours of the morning to guzzle champagne with her entourage. Page Six says

According to a witness, Carey showed up to the restaurant at “1:30 a.m. and was quite out of it. When she exited her black Maybach, she tripped twice and had to grab hold of one of her guards so she wouldn’t fall. She ordered a bottle of champagne but she could barely speak.”

A source close to the singer tells Page Six, “She was probably wobbly because she was wearing 7-inch Louboutins. That’s tough to do.”

Yep, that’s it. Her feet were tired. Just like that time my head was tired and the cops tried to tell me I had blacked out and faceplanted on the sidewalk. Drunk and disorderly my ass! My head just needed a little rest was all. I’m pretty sure I had used it for a lot of thinking and stuff that day.

Mariah Carey went on Oprah last week to hawk her new crappy album, and of course she dragged along her little kiss-ass husband Nick Cannon on the stage so they could prove their love to the masses before his back gave out. The Daily Mail says

They shared an exaggerated smooch as Nick bent her over, before an uncomfortable looking Mariah stopped him, saying: ‘Don’t drop me!’

Hey, that picture reminds me of this joke I once heard: How fat is Mariah Carey? Mariah Carey’s so fat, she fell in love — and it broke. Ha ha! Of course, when I first heard the joke, it was actually about yo momma. Try not to take it so personally.

You didn’t think Eminem was going to take Mariah Carey’s parody video Obsessed lying down, did you? In his latest song, “The Warning,” he claims to have “dirt” on the singer in the form of racy pictures and claims that he did, in fact, have sex with her, even if it was only once. And, um, some other stuff:

In the second week we was dry humping/Surely you don’t want me to talk about how I nutted early/cos ejaculated early and bust all over your belly/And you almost started hurling and said I was gross/Go get a towel you’re stomachs curling.

But if I’m embarrassing me, I’m embarrassing you/And don’t you dare say it isn’t true.

Only a white dude would try to convince you of his sexual prowess by rapping about his problem with premature ejaculation. You never heard Dr. Dre or Tupac busting rhymes about their post-coital crying fits or inability to maintain an erection, did you? Sorry, but you can’t make a ho “bow down” and “recognize” when they’re too busy laughing at your limp penis. Might want to go with a different angle next time.

The lyrics in their entirety after the jump

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Hey, Mariah — Donnie Wahlberg called. He wants to know why you made him look like such a faggot in your new video.

As an egomaniacal diva herself and a man in her new video “Obsessed”:

Here’s the cover of Mariah Carey’s new album “Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel.” Let me be the first to say “imperfect angel” my ass. More like fucking “imaginary angel.” I guess “The Memoirs of Back Fat and Pit Bacon” was just too authentic for studio execs.

Click the header image to see what the REAL Mariah looks like:

You’ve heard of Moby Dick, Captain Ahab’s ultimate undoing, that infamous white whale. Now meet the brown version. Just call me Ishmael!

Mariah with husband Nick Cannon on Roberto Cavalli’s yacht in Cannes this weekend:

Singer Mariah Carey has repeatedly claimed her measurements are a diminutive 34-22-35. Perhaps nobody ever told her you’re supposed to measure your bust, waist, and hips, not your forearms, neck, and thighs. Ugh. I haven’t seen that much pit sausage since Bring-Your-Own-Pork night at Talladega.

Celebrating her 1-year anniversary with husband Nick Cannon:

Confessions of a pussywhipped husband: Nick Cannon admits that he is Mariah Carey’s own personal idolater. He is not worrrrthy! OK Magazine says,

While Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon has his own burgeoning recording career, the 28-year-old says he’s not quite ready to go down the duet path with the missus.

“I am not worthy of being on a Mariah Carey record,” Mimi’s humble hubby tells Extra. “I can’t even step into the studio with that woman. She is incredible.”

The happy couple will celebrate their first anniversary on April 30 and Nick says it’s been one wild ride so far: “First year of marriage was amazing. I’m looking forward to the second year. It’s one of those things, it went by so fast… We’re proving people wrong! They said we wouldn’t make it.”

There’s only room for one ego in this marriage, especially given the massive size of Mariah’s. Mariah has chosen her slave mate well! Yes, massa! Toby be good slave!

Lapping up the attention at Mr. Chow’s

I dare you to think of something that you care about less than the following statement: Mariah Carey might really be pregnant. Science says it can’t be done! Page Six says

Spies in LA saw the songbird coming out of a well-known ob/gyn’s office “clutching what looked like a sonogram and being greeted by her entourage with cheers. She was ebullient.” It was the same type of paper that Minnie Driver was holding when she found out she was pregnant at the same doctor’s office. A rep said, “As far as I’m told it’s not true.”

I don’t know if I trust this “source.” Who among Mariah’s circle uses the word “ebullient” in everyday conversation? None of her former collaborators, that’s for sure. If they had said something like “Skeet skeet skeet biyatch” or “Aww, he supersoaked dat ho!” I might believe it. As it stands, I don’t buy it one bit.

At the Grammy Nominations Concert last week:

Halloween exists for two purposes:

1. Eat a shit ton of candy
2. Dress like a slut, go to a party, act like a whore and get wasted

Celebrities are firm believers in upholding these timeless traditions (or at least #2), and this year is no different.  Here’s a Halloween 2008 Slutty Costume Roundup.

Kim Kardashian’s ass dressed as Wonder Woman at some masquerade yesterday:

Heidi Montag and that toolshed she hangs around with dressed as attention-craving retards:

Kendra Wilkinson as — wait, is this a costume?  I can’t tell:

Mariah Carey and her wife, Nick Cannon, dressed as cookies & milk (because they’re idiots) at their costume party at Marquee in NYC yesterday:

Mariah Carey and her wife, again — this time dressed as “sexy firefighters”:

Traci Bingham as Officer Boobage yesterday:

Shauna Sand dressed as… an orange whore (I guess) on Oct. 25th:

Mariah Carey is yachting off the isle of Capri with her husband Nick Cannon, and has apparently constructed an elaborate fantasy in which she is a Bond Girl, and therefore must swan about in a bathing suit approximately 9 sizes too small while being fished out of the Mediterranean by one of her minions. Since she’s slicked into that thing like a wet seal in a greased up corset, it comes as no surprise that her nipples made a desperate bid for freedom. Ain’t nothin’ gonna break their stride, oh no! They’ve got to keep on movin’!

…I’ve inexplicably had that song in my head all day. If I have to suffer, y’all can suffer right along with me. You’re welcome!