Mariah Carey posted a picture of herself in a hospital bed with husband Nick Cannon on her official website this morning (click header for closeup), revealing that Nick had been hospitalized with kidney failure. The Daily Mail says:

The mother-of-two, 41, bizarrely posted a photo of herself posing beside an ailing Nick, 31, in his hospital bed in Aspen, Colorado

She wrote: ‘Please pray for Nick as he’s fighting to recover from a mild kidney failure. #mybraveman.’

She then wrote a more detailed description of his medical drama on her official website.

I like that she can’t resist an opportunity to post pictures of herself on the web, even if it’s the father of her children’s impending renal shutdown. Jesus Christ. Ten bucks says she replaced all the lights in the Nephrology unit with those soft-focus incandescent bulbs before this picture was taken, and another ten bucks say that she threw a fit when the doctor told her she couldn’t release a box full of glitter-covered butterflies while they were changing his catheter.

I know I just told you about Mariah’s post-pregnancy 70 pound weight loss, but it’s feast or famine in the gossip world here lately, so I’m gonna make a whole other post about her ridiculously photoshopped “bikini bod” on the cover of Us Weekly. I know, I know — two Mariah posts in one day? Look, I didn’t want this for us either. Believe me. I wanted Lindsay Lohan to get hit by a bus. Not to say I’m not still holding out hope. I just play the cards I’m dealt.

Unveiling herself as a Jenny Craig spokesmodel today:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Mariah Carey made an appearance on Rosie O’Donnell’s soon-to-be-canceled “The Rosie Show” to reveal her incredible seventy pound weight loss since giving birth to twins six months ago. The Daily Mail says:

Arriving in style, being lowered onto the stage on a crescent shaped moon, the songstress proudly showed off her figure in a skin-tight black mini skirt and a cleavage-baring leather jacket.

She went on to reveal that she has dropped an incredible 70lbs over recent months.

Mariah started the strict Jenny diet plan, for which she is now a spokeswoman.

She said: ‘The first week, I lost 40 pounds… of just water. It was just water, initially. But when I started with the program, I lost at least 30 lbs of weight that needed to be lost.’

‘The diet is 90 percent of it,’ she told Rosie.

Hang on… I’m sorry, but since when has “being lowered onto the stage on a crescent shaped moon” been considered the height of “arriving in style?” She looks like a suckling pig on a platter.

Twin Birthinator Mariah Carey and underling Nick Cannonhave some new kind of attention–and it isn’t the good kind. Says Daily News,

New parents Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey should still be blissed out on baby joy with less than two weeks passing since their twins’ birth, but the couple is reeling from a shocking accusation.

“The Child Protective Services were called with allegations that there was some drinking and drugs and all that going on while in the hospital,” Cannon revealed during a pretaped appearance on Thursday’s “Piers Morgan Tonight.”

The babies, daughter Monroe and son Moroccan, were born April 30 and remain hospitalized with Carey, 42.

Cannon, 30, said the false rumor began when “a nurse suggested to my wife that if you drink Guinness … the yeast improves breast-feeding.”

“I don’t know if someone overheard that,” he explained, “but then they were saying that my wife was drinking beer and all this stuff.”

And it culminated with a visit from a CPS worker, who approached Cannon in one of the hospital’s hallways on Tuesday.

“When I spoke to the person from the Child Protective Services, I was like, ‘This is ridiculous,’” Cannon recalled.

The 92.3 NOW morning show host said the incident proves that “people will do anything to try to conjure up a story.”

It’s “really sad when you think about people trying to make a buck off of newborn babies,” he said.

He’s right. It’s horrible how some people try to make money off tiny, helpless infants. That being said, while they’re in utero, they’re totally fair game.

Here’s some pics of Cheryl Cole’s amazing rack to purge your mind’s eye of Mariah’s distended uterus:

Hope you got your fill of pictures of Mariah Carey’s distended uterus, because she finally gave birth to her twins this weekend, on the same day of her third wedding anniversary to husband Nick Cannon. People Magazine says:

Carey, 42, delivered the babies Saturday at 12:07 p.m. ET at an undisclosed hospital in Los Angeles. Carey’s representative [said that] the baby girl was born first, weighing 5 lbs. 3 oz., and was 18 inches long; her brother was next, at 5 lbs. 6 oz., and was 19 inches.

[The rep also said] she and Nick were listening to Carey’s “We Belong Together” after the children were born.

Asked if the birth was planned to coincide with her anniversary, she said: “No, not even Mariah could plan that!”

I just feel sorry for the poor doctor that had to tell her that “on a rainbow with unicorns and glitter” was not a viable birth plan and that butterflies wouldn’t be performing the actual delivery. What with the issue of weight ratios and maintaining air-speed velocity and the fact that insects tend to get stuck in the afterbirth.

Dear God, why:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Eight months pregnant Mariah Carey decided to show off her baby bump in a naked photo shoot for Life & Style magazine. And in case that wasn’t enough nekkidness for you, she and her husband also posed together in the nude for a series of photographs that will hang about the family home. I hope she’s already budgeted for a therapist. The Daily Mail says:

Nick Cannon has revealed he recently stripped down for a naked photo shoot with his heavily pregnant wife Mariah Carey.

He confessed that he is already regretting the artistic photos which are set to be displayed on the walls of their family home.

‘My children are going to have to see these pictures. It’s a little weird,’ he remarked during his Rollin’ with Nick Cannon radio show.

‘It’s a little nasty. I mean, have you ever seen your parents naked? When they get older and their friends come over… they will see the pictures and say, “Your daddy’s butt naked.”‘

It could be worse. They could actually see your dad butt naked in the flesh. Good luck getting anybody to come over to the house then. Trust me, all your friends will be too busy telling the guidance counselor and branding your house “the pervert factory” to have a sleepover after that.

Note to Mariah Carey: It’s best to leave the sheer clothing to non-pregnant women. God damn, woman, I think I can see the little spawn pressing its face against your belly.

Going to her doctor’s office:

Nick Cannon announced on his 92.3 Now radio show this morning that he and wife Mariah Carey are expecting more than one baby in the spring. Repeat, Nick announced it. Without Mariah’s express written consent. There’s throwing caution to the wind, and then there’s giving the wind the finger and farting in its general direction. Us Magazine says:

“I didn’t even tell my wife I was gonna do this,” he admitted. “I’m probably gonna get yelled at for not getting permission… we are having twins!”

[Cannon revealed that] the very first folks in the world to know about the twins were President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama! After recently performing for the First Family for a White House Christmas special, Carey met with the Obamas backstage, Cannon said.

She hadn’t told anybody anything! Because of the excitement and emotion, she shared [the news] with the President and the First Lady.”

There aren’t enough diamond-studded Hello Kitty accessories in the world for Nick to make up for stealing Mariah’s twin thunder like that. And for the record, this marks the first time I’ve used the words “twin thunder” in a Mariah Carey post without referencing her thighs.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

After months of speculation, 40-year old Mariah Carey finally confirmed that she’s pregnant with her first child with husband Nick Cannon. Radar Online says:

In a story airing on NBC’s The Today Show, Carey told Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush: “Yes, we are pregnant.”

The Hero singer said she’s expecting in the spring, but wouldn’t give any further details.

Carey also revealed that she had been pregnant before – a few years ago – but had suffered a miscarriage.

“It kind of shook us both and took us into a place that was really dark and difficult,” Carey told Bush about the miscarriage. “When that happened… I wasn’t able to even talk to anybody about it. That was not easy.”

Oh, great. She had a miscarriage? How am I supposed to make a fat joke now? It’d be like pantsing a blind kid. And it took me a good two days before I could even laugh about that. Way to ruin the joke for everybody, Mariah.

Mariah Carey was performing at the Formula 1 Singapore Grand Prix on Sunday when she accidentally tripped over her own high heels and tumbled to the floor like a rhino who’d been hit with a tranquilizer gun. Yahoo News says:

She slipped while striding across the stage and clapping along to her 1992 hit “Make It Happen.”A nearby backup dancer quickly rushed to her aid and a smiling Carey [told] the crowd, “I did that on purpose.”

“Someone come out here and take these shoes off,” Carey said into her microphone.

When an assistant arrived with a bottle of water, Mariah pointed to her feet and gesticulated repeatedly until her message was clear.

Three dancers helped Carey balance while an additional assistant ran out from backstage to help her out of her heels.

There is not a word for how much I hate this self-entitled cunt. “Visceral loathing and abject disdain” comes close, but doesn’t quite capture the sphincter-clenching rage that washes over me when she orders the help to remove her shoes. It’s the same feeling I get when someone in the express line decides to pay with a check.

There have been is-she or isn’t-she rumors swirling for the last two years, but fairly reputable news sources are reporting today that Mariah Carey is four months pregnant. Radar Online says:

The Hero singer and husband Nick Cannon are overjoyed but have decided not to talk about the pregnancy publicly.

Despite his public hesitation to confirm the news, RadarOnline.com’s insider says, “Nick has been telling friends how excited he is to be a dad. Mariah has tried so hard to get pregnant.”

The source adds that Mariah has passed the four month mark in her pregnancy.

They’re saying she’s only four months along? That can’t be right. From the looks of it, Mariah Carey’s been pregnant since May of 2009. Unless she’s giving birth to a walrus or a sperm whale, she’s about fourteen months past due. I hope she likes her babies with facial hair and all their adult teeth.

And now for someone who’s not fat or pregnant, Katy Perry on Letterman last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Every good chola knows that nothing goes with capri-length sweats like a pair of four-inch platform stilettos. Mariah might not have a rose tattoo or any visible knifing scars, but she more than makes up for it with the diamond pacifier on a chain and the massive camel toe. I just hope she’s not planning on visiting anyone in Arizona anytime soon.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News