Someone is finally telling Mariah Carey no, and this time it’s Britain’s health and safety officials. They flat-out denied her request to be flanked by twenty white kittens and a hundred white doves when she illuminates the Westfield Shopping Center London tonight. The Daily Mail says
The singer had issued a string of extravagant requirements in return for her appearance at the Westfield complex, [including] being driven by Rolls Royce along a pink carpet right to the pink podium where she is to wave a wand to turn on the lights.
Miss Carey [also] wants confetti shaped like butterflies to shower over her [and has] requested an entourage of 15 along with about 80 security guards.
However, her demands for white kittens and doves were turned down. A source said: ‘Due to health and safety, there was no way we could have the animals at Westfield.’
Safety for the kittens, I presume. White kittens are roughly the same size and shape as a Hostess Snoball. Having them at arm’s length from Mariah Carey in semi-darkness could really prove disastrous.
Mariah Carey’s interview and performance on Britain’s “This Morning” started 90 minutes later than it was scheduled because she couldn’t be bothered to show up on time or decide which two-sizes-too-small dress to wear once she got there. The Daily Mail says
Mariah was due to arrive at 5 am but [didn't show up until] 6.
After finally arriving at the studios she delayed proceedings further by changing her mind over what outfit to wear.
["This Morning" host Philip] Schofield, who had earlier taken a picture of the star to upload to his Twitter page, was told by her publicity team that Mariah wanted to approve the picture first and banned the presenter from using it.
I really don’t know who these stars think they’re fooling by screening all their publicity photos. I mean really, does she honestly think we don’t know she’s a fatass? Does she think that by only signing off on photographs taken from her “good side” with her hand on her hips and her body twisted at a 45 degree angle and one foot in front of the other, we wouldn’t notice the extra thirty pounds around her midsection? Bitch, please. We’ve seen you in a swimsuit. Your knees look like goddamn Christmas hams and you could fit a fucking grapefruit in that trough of a belly button.
Unscreened pics of her filming a music video in L.A. earlier this month:
Now here’s a costume that’s all trick and no treat! The trick of course being “an enormous shoehorn and two industrial-sized tubs of Crisco.” Mariah would have made a much more convincing Huttese crime lord or Outer Rim gas giant.
Mariah Carey was already shitfaced last night when she arrived at One Little West 12th in the wee hours of the morning to guzzle champagne with her entourage. Page Six says
According to a witness, Carey showed up to the restaurant at “1:30 a.m. and was quite out of it. When she exited her black Maybach, she tripped twice and had to grab hold of one of her guards so she wouldn’t fall. She ordered a bottle of champagne but she could barely speak.”
A source close to the singer tells Page Six, “She was probably wobbly because she was wearing 7-inch Louboutins. That’s tough to do.”
Yep, that’s it. Her feet were tired. Just like that time my head was tired and the cops tried to tell me I had blacked out and faceplanted on the sidewalk. Drunk and disorderly my ass! My head just needed a little rest was all. I’m pretty sure I had used it for a lot of thinking and stuff that day.
Mariah Carey went on Oprah last week to hawk her new crappy album, and of course she dragged along her little kiss-ass husband Nick Cannon on the stage so they could prove their love to the masses before his back gave out. The Daily Mail says
They shared an exaggerated smooch as Nick bent her over, before an uncomfortable looking Mariah stopped him, saying: ‘Don’t drop me!’
Hey, that picture reminds me of this joke I once heard: How fat is Mariah Carey? Mariah Carey’s so fat, she fell in love — and it broke. Ha ha! Of course, when I first heard the joke, it was actually about yo momma. Try not to take it so personally.
You didn’t think Eminem was going to take Mariah Carey’sparody video Obsessed lying down, did you? In his latest song, “The Warning,” he claims to have “dirt” on the singer in the form of racy pictures and claims that he did, in fact, have sex with her, even if it was only once. And, um, some other stuff:
In the second week we was dry humping/Surely you don’t want me to talk about how I nutted early/cos ejaculated early and bust all over your belly/And you almost started hurling and said I was gross/Go get a towel you’re stomachs curling.
But if I’m embarrassing me, I’m embarrassing you/And don’t you dare say it isn’t true.
Only a white dude would try to convince you of his sexual prowess by rapping about his problem with premature ejaculation. You never heard Dr. Dre or Tupac busting rhymes about their post-coital crying fits or inability to maintain an erection, did you? Sorry, but you can’t make a ho “bow down” and “recognize” when they’re too busy laughing at your limp penis. Might want to go with a different angle next time.
Here’s the cover of Mariah Carey’s new album “Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel.” Let me be the first to say “imperfect angel” my ass. More like fucking “imaginary angel.” I guess “The Memoirs of Back Fat and Pit Bacon” was just too authentic for studio execs.
Click the header image to see what the REAL Mariah looks like:
Singer Mariah Carey has repeatedly claimed her measurements are a diminutive 34-22-35. Perhaps nobody ever told her you’re supposed to measure your bust, waist, and hips, not your forearms, neck, and thighs. Ugh. I haven’t seen that much pit sausage since Bring-Your-Own-Pork night at Talladega.
Celebrating her 1-year anniversary with husband Nick Cannon:
Confessions of a pussywhipped husband: Nick Cannon admits that he is Mariah Carey’s own personal idolater. He is not worrrrthy! OK Magazine says,
While Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon has his own burgeoning recording career, the 28-year-old says he’s not quite ready to go down the duet path with the missus.
“I am not worthy of being on a Mariah Carey record,” Mimi’s humble hubby tells Extra. “I can’t even step into the studio with that woman. She is incredible.”
The happy couple will celebrate their first anniversary on April 30 and Nick says it’s been one wild ride so far: “First year of marriage was amazing. I’m looking forward to the second year. It’s one of those things, it went by so fast… We’re proving people wrong! They said we wouldn’t make it.”
There’s only room for one ego in this marriage, especially given the massive size of Mariah’s. Mariah has chosen her slave mate well! Yes, massa! Toby be good slave!
I dare you to think of something that you care about less than the following statement: Mariah Carey might really be pregnant. Science says it can’t be done! Page Six says
Spies in LA saw the songbird coming out of a well-known ob/gyn’s office “clutching what looked like a sonogram and being greeted by her entourage with cheers. She was ebullient.” It was the same type of paper that Minnie Driver was holding when she found out she was pregnant at the same doctor’s office. A rep said, “As far as I’m told it’s not true.”
I don’t know if I trust this “source.” Who among Mariah’s circle uses the word “ebullient” in everyday conversation? None of her former collaborators, that’s for sure. If they had said something like “Skeet skeet skeet biyatch” or “Aww, he supersoaked dat ho!” I might believe it. As it stands, I don’t buy it one bit.
