Eva Mendes looks just like legendary screen siren Sophia Loren in the March issue of Marie Claire. They’re both just so unattainably beautiful. The only thing I have in common with either one of those women is the facial mole, but mine’s about the size of a saucer, so it has a different overall effect.

I was all set to say something pointlessly mean and spiteful about Angelina Jolie in Marie Claire until I got a load of her face the cover. Holy shit she is beautiful. Wow. It’s like staring into the face of God. I just didn’t know God would have such nice DSL’s.

If Irina Shayk’s leading this round of Hokey Pokey, then you can count me in. I’ve got more than a few body parts I wouldn’t mind sticking in and shaking all about.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Look, ladies! This issue of Marie Claire South Africa is gonna teach you how to love your body, flaws and all, by putting the very ideal of feminine perfection Candice Swanepoel on the cover in a tiny swimsuit. That way you’ll realize just how much your body sucks and that no matter how hard you exercise or diet you’re not gonna ever, EVER look like that and stretch marks never go away and gravity hates your tits and you’re getting older with every passing day. Unless that issue comes with Prozac and a bottle of Jack, I’m canceling my subscription.

Newly-married Reese Witherspoon was taken to the hospital yesterday after being hit by a car while jogging in Santa Monica. Radar Online says:

Witherspoon, 35, was jogging when she was hit by the car that was going 20 mph, according to the Santa Monica Police Department. She was then taken to a local hospital.

“Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car on Wednesday and sustained minor injuries,” a police spokesperson [said].

Thankfully, Reese seems to be on the mend already and is currently back home and resting.

It’s gotta be hard to keep your chin up after surviving an accident like that. Particularly when your chin constitutes 45% of your entire face. Neck muscles aren’t meant to support that kind of weight.

Reese in next month’s Marie Claire:

Olivia Wilde’s face looks suspiciously overplumped into Tamara Mellon-esque proportions on the cover of next month’s Marie Claire. Something’s just… off. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Mostly because I can’t get within 500 feet of it. Protective orders have a way of squelching most of my romantic intentions.

Because if you’re going to climb a ladder, you should do it in a price-by-request haute couture gown with a cathedral-length train:

Nothing says “I’m a grownup now!” like a generous display of sideboob. That’s why I’ve cut the armpits out of all of my suit jackets and button-down shirts. That oughta show the judge I’m “mature” enough to regain custody of my kids again.

Miley Cyrus in the March issue of Marie Claire:

I like Miley Cyrus‘ assertion on the cover of March’s Marie Claire that she “never, ever said I was perfect”. A classic cop-out statement to release responsibility for herself for the bad image she put out there for her underage fans. I’ve heard ‘em all. “It was the alcohol talking”, or how about “I wouldn’t have gotten that ticket for doing 103 if you weren’t such a bitch when I get home late” or my personal favorite, “I was totally sleepwalking when I banged the neighbor”. It’s my favorite because I’ve used that one. On more than one occasion.

Looks like they did a good job of Photoshopping the ‘tard out of her:

I have yet to watch a single episode of “Glee,” mostly because I was in chorus in high school and I know exactly how fucking lame it really is. Whatever they’re selling in that show, it’s all lies. Nobody in glee club wears PVC boots and rubber underpants. We wear headgear and what’s left of the hot lunch that got dumped in our lap. And occasionally a festive brooch when performing a Christmas melody in the Glendale Mall food court.

Glee star Lea Michele getting a little S&M-y in next month’s Marie Claire:

Jessica Simpson appears on the cover of next month’s Marie Claire without any make-up or retouching in an effort to promote her new turd of a show “The Price of Beauty.” She tells the magazine:

“There’s always something that I’ve wanted to fix because there’s always somebody who looks better; that’s what we always compare ourselves to. So I think the [show] really was finding what was beautiful inside of me and knowing that it’s unique and rare. And it was a very powerful journey. It has definitely changed my life.

I just wish I was taller, so all those dresses would fit! I like the bump in my nose. It’s an imperfection, but to me it’s perfection. I’m not against reconstructive surgery if it is for a woman to have more confidence.”

I’m not sure how looking as unattractive as possible on a magazine cover is gonna increase potential viewership, but then again, I’m not a fancy television producer. My instinct would be to go with “boobs” and “more boobs,” followed by a couple of high-speed car crashes and footage of fat people falling down. Which is precisely why I’m already in early stages of development with Fox.

Because the title “The Price of Having a Fame-Hungry Father and a String of Failed Relationships that I Eat My Way Through” didn’t really appeal to test audiences:

Jessica Biel and Jennifer Garner team up in a best friends-y photo shoot for next month’s issue of Marie Claire, and seeing them side by side like this makes you wonder — which one got the better fake lips? (The last two thumbs below are before-and-after pics of both actresses for your reference.) I’ve been looking at them all morning and I still can’t decide. I think the only way to settle this is with science, by which I mean a good ol’ fashioned girl-on-girl kiss-off. You know, to measure, uh, lip density and overall volume and… um, pressure per square inch and then map it on a graph for an accurate and fair comparison. Or we could just go with a full body contact naked oil wrestling match. See, the great thing about science is that it’s pretty impartial.

Marie Claire succeeds in making the only hot piece of Twilight ass look as androgynous as possible in their next month’s issue. FAIL. Look, if I wanted to see some eunuch stare soulfully into space, I’d go punch a Jonas brother in the breadbasket when he wasn’t looking. And once was quite enough for that, thank you very much. Apparently, bodyguards are legally allowed to carry tasers now.

Ashley Greene in the March 2010 issue: