Jessica Biel and Jennifer Garner team up in a best friends-y photo shoot for next month’s issue of Marie Claire, and seeing them side by side like this makes you wonder — which one got the better fake lips? (The last two thumbs below are before-and-after pics of both actresses for your reference.) I’ve been looking at them all morning and I still can’t decide. I think the only way to settle this is with science, by which I mean a good ol’ fashioned girl-on-girl kiss-off. You know, to measure, uh, lip density and overall volume and… um, pressure per square inch and then map it on a graph for an accurate and fair comparison. Or we could just go with a full body contact naked oil wrestling match. See, the great thing about science is that it’s pretty impartial.

Marie Claire succeeds in making the only hot piece of Twilight ass look as androgynous as possible in their next month’s issue. FAIL. Look, if I wanted to see some eunuch stare soulfully into space, I’d go punch a Jonas brother in the breadbasket when he wasn’t looking. And once was quite enough for that, thank you very much. Apparently, bodyguards are legally allowed to carry tasers now.

Ashley Greene in the March 2010 issue:

I’m sure you lay awake at night worrying about it, but now you can finally rest easy — Nicole Richie never actually had an eating disorder after all. The Daily Mail says

Nicole has come forward [in the March issue of Marie Claire UK] to reassure fans she has always been healthy [and] blast critics who had accused her of suffering from an eating disorder, [saying], “I felt it was a little unfair to say someone has an eating disorder when they don’t. It’s extremely insulting and irresponsible.”

Nicole revealed she is naturally skinny and finds it difficult to put on weight. “When I was heavier, everyone said I was too heavy,” [she said]. “You can’t win in the public eye and I find it really hard. So I ignore it now, I really do.”

I guess “ignoring it” really means “discussing it at length it in a two-page article in a major women’s magazine with an international fan base.” Someone should really tell my ex-boyfriend that’s he’s been doing it all wrong for the last two months.

In the March 2010 issue of Marie Claire:

Actress Natalie Portman goes green in a photo shoot for next month’s Marie Claire magazine. Not green as in “eco-friendly”; green as in “she’s in the middle of the damn woods in a stupid pork-pie hat.” All she’s missing is the bow and arrow and a band of merry men.

I have no idea why Charlize Theron is in the May ’09 issue of Marie Claire UK.  Does she have a new movie coming out or something?  I didn’t actually read the article, because all the highlighted bits were about boring shit like what kinds of questions people ask Sean Penn and how women get a raw deal in Hollywood and then a bunch of junk about complex roles and her “craft”, and I fall asleep each and every single time some actressin’ narcissist starts talking about their goddamn craft.  You ain’t Monet, honey; let’s not overcomplicate things here.

The hell was my point?  I’m actually not sure I had one, aside from the fact that Charlize Theron is unfathomably beautiful, but best enjoyed mute.

Nekkid Dior ad:

Article from May ’09 Marie Claire UK: