This is Ashley Greene at the Rock & Republic Robertson store opening.  Ashley Greene is in those Twilight movies, where she plays Alice Cullen.  Twilight sucks hard like a Dyson vacuum, but you know what doesn’t suck?  Cleavage.  Everybody loves breasts, right?  Right.

I do have one question, though.  Why is Ashley having so much trouble just standing still?  Why the hell are all these Twilight chicks so damn clumsy and awkward looking?  When they’re in dirty jeans, Chuck Taylors & sloppy hoodies they do an okay job of keeping themselves upright, but stick ‘em in a dress and a pair of heels and all of a sudden they’re like giraffes with fetal alcohol syndrome.  How is it possible that every one of these bitches always looks like she’s about to tip the fuck over?  They can’t all be stoners, can they?  Listen, there’s nothing wrong with smoking up once in awhile, but there is a TIME and a PLACE for rendering yourself the mental equivalent of a squirrel after a frontal lobotomy, and public appearances for YOUR JOB are not it.

Whatever.  Boobs:

More bad news for Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps — Dophin Boy has officially been suspended from USA Swimming competitions for the next ninety days. USA Swimming said in a public statement:

“This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero.”

To add insult to injury, Kellogg’s cereal manufacturers have decided not to renew Phelps’ contract when it expires at the end of this month. Kellog’s said

“We originally built the relationship with Michael, as well as the other Olympic athletes, to support our association with the US Olympic team. Michael’s most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg. His contract expires at the end of February and we have made a decision not to extend his contract.”

Well, fuck Kellogg’s, and fuck USA Swimming. Who needs them anyway? There’s a whole world of opportunities and open doors just waiting for Michael Phelps. I can think of at least ten right now right off the top of my head.

TOP TEN MICHAEL PHELPS POTENTIAL ADVERTISING GIGS:

10. Magic Mushroom head shop — now carrying Michael Phelps brand Gold Metal pocket-sized pipes!

9. The Urinator — Michael Phelps says “urine luck!”

8. Goldenseal — Goldenboy Michael Phelps Stays Golden with this all-natural herb!

7. Funions: it’s a Michael Phelps munchies must-have!

6. Visine: Get the red out, keep the gold in

5. Downy dryer sheets: because Michael Phelps’ mom doesn’t need to know

4. Track and Field II for Super NES: because you’ll never be Michael Phelps, so you might as well get high and pretend

3. Ohaus Voyager® laboratory analytical scales: because Michaels Phelps knows that every little bit counts

2. High Times cover boy: Goldenboy brings the Golden Haze to the Cannabis Cup

and the number one Michael Phelps potential advertising gig:

1. Hydrofarm Hydroponic Grow System: because Michael Phelps only does it with water!

On his way to practice in Baltimore:

A picture of the greatest Olympic athlete of all time smoking pot made the media rounds over the weekend, outraging fogies and squares the world over. It seems Michael Phelps was photographed toking on a bong at a USC house party last November, where he was ass-tapping visiting a student there named Jordan Matthews. Michael quickly issued a public apology, telling the Associated Press in a written statement:

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

So what’s to become of his fledgling career and endorsement deals now? According to News of the World

After sporting chiefs announced laws which mean four-year bans for drug-taking, Phelps’ dreams of adding to his overall 14 gold medal tally at the 2012 games in London could already be over.

Phelps earned [$8 million] last year in endorsements… with huge brands such as Mastercard and HSBC. The [companies] admitted proven cannabis use would be “a major taint” on Phelps’ character.

Jesus effing Christ on a stick. So everybody’s cool with that DUI he got a few years back — Mastercard and HSBC are still content to milk that tainted cow — but God forbid he dare to smoke a little pot. You know, because driving drunk never killed anyone or ophaned any children or maimed any innocent bystanders the way marijuana does. No sir. Big companies can put their dollars behind DUIs. But smoking pot? Why, it’s like playing a game of Russian roulette. If instead of a gun you had a old N64 and instead of bullets you had Tostinos pizza rolls. Good on corporate giants for maintaining such a strict moral code and sense of decency.

It’s that special time of year, folks, when we gather together with friends and family to celebrate the most successful cultural obliteration in the world’s history. Let’s all take a page from Twilight’s Kristen Stewart and pass the peace pipe and the small pox blanket and remember what we’re really thankful for — Squanto’s lack of foresight. Without it, none of us would be here! Snarky Thansgiving, bitches!

Amy Winehouse was photographed taking a step in the right direction yesterday — smoking a little Mary Jane while cruising around London with a friend. Finally. This bitch could seriously use a joint or seventeen. Mellow her out a little. God knows alcohol just turns her into the Tasmanian Devil with a beehive and coke makes her a snarling, clawing mess of insane, so marijuana is just the thing to quiet her demons. Provided you don’t have a two by four or a tranquilizer gun handy, of course.

Actors Seth Rogen and James Franco made a big stink last night when they “pretended” to spark up a doobie on stage at the MTV Movie Awards. Seth and James claimed the fake J they shared was provided by MTV as part of a skit to announce the Best Summer Movie So Far category. The NY Daily News says

Before TV audiences could see them smoking, the cameras pulled to an extremely wide angle, and stayed that way until Rogen and Franco left the stage. “Kids, don’t really smoke fake weed like this,” Rogen told the crowd. Despite Rogen’s claim, the sweet scent wafting through the Gibson Amphitheatre suggested the herb was real.

MTV officials declined to comment on the dope-smoking stunt.

I see we’ve applied to the Howard Stern school of thought, where “shock value” magically equals “funny and cutting edge.” Instead of pretending to smoke pot, Seth and James should have maybe tried pretending to kill themselves instead. At least that might have actually been funny. Especially if there was a man in a bee costume who shrugged his shoulders and blurted, “Que idiotas!” before being hit in the groin with a football. 100 million Mexicans can’t be wrong!

For a list of the night’s winners, click here

Megan Fox as her usual foxy self:

Charlize Theron in the Tin Man’s lingerie collection:

Yawn. Lindsay Lohan:

Pretty in pink Liv Tyler with Mrs. Potato Head:

Anne Hathaway in pleather and Sarah Jessica Parker bringing back go go:

R&B singer Ray J was kicked out of a Washington D.C. Hyatt Regency early Saturday morning for possession of the hallucinogen known as PCP. According to TMZ

Ray J went to his room after partying it up when hotel management got a complaint. Security went up to the room where they allegedly found… a stash of marijuana and the [club drug PCP known as] “Boat.” The singer tried to bribe hotel security so he could stay but they didn’t bite.

When the hell did PCP become a “club drug?” Kids these days. I watched an episode of COPS one time where this guy was high on PCP and it took nearly six cops half an hour to wrestle him to the ground. They tased him like five times and hosed him down with pepper spray and the dude didn’t even flinch. I think they finally had to shoot him in the knee to bring him down. If LSD is the respectable banker uncle at the family reunion, then PCP is the belligerent cousin who shows up with a shotgun down the front of his overalls yelling about communist bears stealing beer out of his trailer again. Yeah, I think I’ll pass.

Ex-toilet Kim Kardashian at a nightclub in The Hamptons on Sunday:

Forget Northern Lights and White Widow — there’s a new strain of medical marijuana on the scene, cleverly dubbed the “Tom Cruise Purple.” Tom Cruise, like the actor! Coincidence? Not really. Rush and Molloy say

… Licensed cannabis clubs in Northern California are selling vials of pot featuring a picture of Cruise laughing hysterically. Word is that the actor’s lawyers are taking a serious look at the strong brand of bud after we brought it to their attention. One weed devotee said, “I heard it’s the kind of pot that makes you hallucinate.”

I suppose that’s better than the being the kind of pot that makes you believe that the aliens souls implanted with false memories and flown to Earth in DC-10s and blown up with H-bombs in volcanoes are to blame for your being a closet homosexual with abandonment issues. Talk about your fucking buzzkill!

22-year old actress Mischa Barton was formally charged yesterday for that DUI she got last December. People Magazine says

Mischa Barton has been charged with driving under the influence and possession of marijuana… [and] driving without a valid license. Her arraignment on the misdemeanor charges is set for Thursday in Beverly Hills Superior Court.

Let’s just hope this arrest won’t interfere with her busy career of hawking canvas tennis shoes and affordable teen fashion! It’d be a real shame if she couldn’t continue to collect a paycheck for having been “The O.C.’s” Marissa Cooper. And finding a generic half-decade-old-teen-drama¹ spokesmodel replacement would be damn near impossible. It’d be like looking for a needle in a haystack, or in the case of the Fox network, a turd in a septic tank.

¹_{Excluding the cast of “Beverly Hills, 90210,” “Party of Five,” “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” etc., etc.}

Clairols #172 “Trailer Park Blonde” shopping at Urban Outfitters last week: