Lindsay Lohan is hailed as the new Marilyn Monroe on the cover of the August issue of Spanish Vogue. The “new” Marilyn. For the record, this is the old Marilyn. Now here’s the “new” Marilyn. You can call last year’s Ford Focus the new ‘64 Ferrari 250 LM, but that doesn’t mean it’s still not the automotive equivalent of a can of fucking spam.

Scarlett Johansson is on the April 2009 cover of Vogue Paris, looking like she could fall asleep at any second as the magazine labels her “The Anti-Marilyn” (as in Monroe).

Whatever, France.  Marilyn Monroe may have been a bipolar pill popping floozy, but she was at least 763% more interesting and charismatic than stupid dumb Scarlett Johansson.  The only things ScarJo has going for her are a fantastic rack and a smokin’ husband.  From the neck up, she’s usually at least eight kinds of hot mess, and every time she opens her mouth she somehow manages to be both completely jackassy and intensely boring at the same time.  Also, nobody wants to be this familiar with her nostrils.  Knock it off, France.  Go do something useful.  Make me some brie.  With sliced strawberries.  And those tiny toast crackers that taste kinda like unseasoned croutons.  Jesus, I’m starving.  Fix it, France!  Lazy bastards.

The real Marilyn:

New York magazine released a couple of outtakes from Lindsay Lohan’s now infamous Marilyn Monroe “Last Sitting” recreation, and boy, are they boring. I say “boring” because although still technically naked, there’s not nearly as many nipples as before. Well, kinda, in one, if you strain. And I’m not big into straining. That’s why I use a ladle and balance the carton on my chest when I’m eating ice cream. I find key positioning and wider delivery devices can cut your carton-to-mouth recovery time in half. Believe me, between that, my Hover Round and my Poise pads, I barely ever strain at all.

Boring, loring, snoring:

Lindsay Lohan’s mother Dina has finally spoken out about her daughter’s New York magazine recreation of Marilyn Monroe’s famous “Last Sitting.” In three words? Thumbs-fuckin’-up. Dina told People Magazine

“It was very tastefully done. I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. I looked at it as art. I don’t look at them like it’s Playboy… Trust me, I wouldn’t have sent my 14-year-old [daughter Alli] to the set [if the shoot was in bad taste]. And obviously Lindsay wouldn’t do anything with her sister there that was risqué.”

All I can say is Dina was a hell of a lot more supportive of her daughter’s nudity than my own mother ever was. When my mom found those naked picture of me my junior year, I never heard the words “congratulations on your art” come out of her mouth. Instead it was all “You’re only sixteen” this and “Oh my God — is that your stepfather?!” that. I’m sure I could have really made a difference if my mother hadn’t divorced Todd and pulled the plug my artistic visions back in high school.

Lindsay at WWE Raw Monday night and smoking her way to beautiful:

Lindsay Lohan poses topless and totally-nude-but-artfully-covered in a tribute to Marilyn Monroe in NY magazine this month. This would be totally exciting and newsworthy had I not seen her nipples 2,534 times in the last year alone. I don’t think this skank even owns a bra. Unless it’s to hold back some dude’s balls for maximum penetration or to serve as a chin rest when she’s taking turns gobbling a couple different wieners at once. Form and function, my friends!

LSFW nakedness:

Paris Hilton showed up to the LA premiere of her new film “The Hottie And The Nottie” yesterday a lovely shade of tangerine and in a blatant rip-off the gown worn by Marilyn Monore in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” She talked about her role in the move and how “hottie and nottiness” played into her everyday life. Daily Mail quotes her as saying:

“I think we’re humans. All girls feel like a ‘nottie’ some days—like someone who isn’t turning heads. That’s just part of life. I just get a facial… to [get] back into ‘hottie’-ness.”

Oh, I bet she gets a facial. I’m sure that nothing makes Paris Hilton feel prettier than a big load to the face. Except for maybe a Mexican Avalanche or the Beverly Hills Whiffer. Hear that, Stavros, Jared, Travis, Vincent, Tom, Nick, Rick, Deryck, Elijah, Brandon, and various others? Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! Now you’ll know exactly what to get for the girl who has everything. Just make sure you’re near a flight of stairs when it’s time for your “present.”

At the premiere: