Sorry boys — Samantha Ronson has officially laid claim to Lindsay Lohan, publicly announcing that she will be marrying everybody’s favorite Firecrotch within the next six months. According to The Sun

Sam used her DJ slot at [the] Chateau Marmont to announce the news, telling clubbers: “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs Ronson. Tonight shows the power of a woman – to underestimate that is to underestimate the world.”

And it’s also to underestimate the power of the penis. Can you tell the sun not to set or the stars not to shine? It’s Lindsay fucking Lohan, people. The only way you’d have a better chance of hitting that is if your penis were a lightning bolt and Lindsay were made of tinfoil and metal rods.

Do your tits hang low:

Justin Timberlake has taken the next relationship step in making an honest man woman out of Jessica Biel — he’s asked her to move in with him. According to In Touch Weekly

“Jessica is preparing to live in Justin’s Hollywood Hills home,” [says] an insider. It’s a big deal for Justin, 27, who has never taken this relationship step before, but the insider insists that “they’re definitely headed for marriage. Moving in is just the beginning.”

If you’re wondering the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is, it’s very simple. When she’s your girlfriend, she looks like Jessica Biel above. When she’s your wife, she starts to look like Jessica Biel below. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, boys!

Watching a Marlins game last month:

Though there has yet to be any official confirmation, singer Beyonce Knowles and her boyfriend of six years, rapper Jay-Z, were reportedly married Friday night in New York. The bride wore a white V-neck gown and a white flower in her hair, keeping theme with an all-white ceremony that included guests Gwyneth Paltrow, her husband Chris Martin, and former Destiny’s Child members Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams. Noticeably absent: The Game, Mase, and Nas. According to OK! Magazine

The ceremony was followed by a lavish party at Jay-Z’s penthouse apartment in NYC’s Tribeca neighborhood, decorated with white orchids and the number ‘4,’ signifying the birthday number Beyonce and Jay-Z both share (Beyonce in September, Jay-Z in December). 60,000 custom-designed white orchid blooms [were flown in] from Thailand for the ceremony.

The only thing more boring than this? The Dewey Decimal system, televised bass fishing, and the interpretive dance version of “Lost in Translation.”

G to the izz-O, P to the izz-A big pimpin at the reception:

It’s official — the marriage of Pamela Anderson and Rick Saloman is over. The couple was granted an annulment yesterday on grounds of fraud. TMZ says

Both Rick and Pam privately stipulated to fraud. Pam promised Rick they would have children together. As we reported, Pam was pregnant at the time the couple separated. Shortly after the separation, we learned Pam was no longer pregnant.

Well, I guess “fraud” does sound better than “she had the fetus torn into chunks and vacuumed out of her snatch after our first fight.” Kinda like how “It’s not you; it’s me” sounds better than “I slept with your roommate and maxed out all the credit cards I opened in your name.” Ladies, I hope you’re taking notes.

Skanking it up at the un-aborteds’ little league practice last week:

Britney Spears continues careening down the highway to hell her chosen path with rumors of an impending marriage to Osama Lufti. According to MSNBC

This time she wants to hitch her wagon to professional hanger-on Sam Lutfi. In fact… Britney already announced her marital ambitions to her lawyers and ex-hubby, Kevin Federline. “[The lawyers] begged her to at least get a prenup, but she didn’t seem to be listening, and Kevin has forbidden Britney from having Sam around the boys [and] has threatened to get a restraining order. She’ll lose custody if she allows Sam around them, Kevin will make sure of it.”

But will the danger of losing her kids be enough to keep Brit from heading down the aisle a third time? … Unlikely. “Britney is completely under Sam’s spell. Everyone sees through him, except her. I hear that he stays with her most of the time, and she pays for his food, his bar and restaurant tabs and his clothing. She takes car of everything.”

Sam Lufti is like the poor man’s Kevin Federline, and Kevin Federline is already the poor man’s Rico Suave, so figuring it all out gets a little complicated. Basically, if Rico Suave took a dump in a box and slapped a goatee and sideburns on it, you’d be left with Sam Lufti. And if you scraped the cheese off Rico Suave’s dick and mixed in a little Cool Water cologne, you’d get Kevin Federline. Mix the both of them together and you get cauliflower ear and burning when you pee. I don’t recommend it.

Britney gas stationing it up over the weekend: