Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s wedding this past weekend was all for show (specifically, for her show), because it turns out the two aren’t actually legally married at all — and they won’t be until they can agree on a prenup. C’est l’amour! TMZ says

Two high-powered family law attorneys are already squaring off, trying to hash out the prenup Odom wants as a condition to marriage. The negotiations — which began last Friday — are already contentious.

Our sources say the couple will tie the knot — legally — once the prenup is inked.

Or they could just go ahead and get the divorce papers rolling while they’re there. You know, save everybody involved a little time and legal fees when this all blows up in their faces.

At their rehearsal dinner:

After only six months of marriage, Fergie and husband Josh Duhamel are reportedly on the rocks. Nine MSN says

The tanned pair “are clashing night and day, and they’re desperately trying to get a handle on their problems,” [said] a friend.

“Apparently Josh wants to start a family, but Fergie’s not ready to give up her rock n’ roll lifestyle.”

Hmm… “rock ‘n roll lifestyle” must actually be code for “wiener.” And from what I remember from health class, it’s hard to make a baby with four testicles between the two of you. I’m pretty sure you need a fallopian tube or an ovum somewhere in the mix.

Doing a shoot with the Black-Eyed Peas:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Janet ­Jackson’s boyfriend of seven years Jermaine Dupri was conspicuously absent from Michael Jackson’s July 7th memorial service. Why the no-show? Us Magazine says

“His friends are telling people it’s over,” [says] a source. “They have been moving in different directions for a while.”

“You shouldn’t mix business with pleasure,” [another] pal explains. Dupri produced several tracks on her last two CDs. “Janet felt their lives were too crossed and they should have kept things sepa­rate. [Plus] Jermaine likes to be out there, mingling with everybody, and ­Janet’s more shy.”

Bless her heart. Her pedophile drug addict brother just died, marriage number 3 isn’t happening, her last two albums have tanked and her ass is as big as fucking Kansas. I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel right making fun of her considering the circumstances. It’s a little something I like to call “respect.”

At the memorial service:

After two rejected proposals, Reese Witherspoon has finally consented to Jake Gyllenhaal’s offer of marriage. A source told Star Magazine

“[The engagement ring] was gorgeous, and everyone noticed it right away. But she took it off as soon as she saw people staring. Reese stuffed it in her bag and didn’t put it on again the rest of the day.

There was already word out that she and Jake had gotten engaged, so the ring absolutely confirmed everybody’s suspicions. They’re ready to make it official!”

I don’t know about you, but I’m… happy for Reese. I’m allowed to say that, you know. I don’t just go around mocking celebrities for the sake of their celebrity status. I’m genuinely happy for her. Reese has finally found the girl of her dreams, and she’s about to make her all her own! I think it’d be wrong to sully such a feel-good moment with snark and thinly-veiled homophobic derision.

Shopping in Melrose:

Despite the fact that he did this to her face, Rihanna is now balking at pressing charges or testifying in the case against Chris Brown since she reconciled with him.  She is no longer cooperating with police, according to the Sun UK:

The 21-year-old is refusing to help with their investigation after rekindling her romance with the singer.

But detectives may still have a case against Brown, 19, and will hand their file to the Los Angeles County District Attorney later this week.

A police source said: “Rihanna says she doesn’t want to testify against him. She has had a change of heart and doesn’t want the case to proceed.

“However detectives are still building their case based on what she originally told them and accounts of witnesses.

Oh, but it gets better (if by better, you mean unfathomably worse).  Rihanna may have secretly married Chris Brown at Sean “Poof Doody” Combs’ mansion in Miami last weekend.  This is from Star, so keep in mind that there’s probably a 95% chance that it’s at least halfway made up:

…the couple had a tearful face-to-face meeting at Diddy’s $14.5 million Miami mansion, during which an emotional Chris apologized, begged for forgiveness and proposed to her on the spot.

“All she’s ever wanted was to be with him forever,” a source tells Star. “Rihanna is looking for the husband-and-two-kids deal before she turns 25. She believes in fairy tales, and she wants to live hers with Chris. She was totally up front and confessed to him, ‘I can’t live without you.’”

The pair wasted no time making Rihanna’s fairy tale come true. They even called a minister to the mansion on exclusive Star Island!

Ugh.  Okay, even if this is actually true, I refuse to talk smack about Rihanna because the psychology of the abused woman is a dark and complex web, but Jesus H. Christ on a crumpet, where the shit are her handlers?  Totally discounting the eleventy million other reasons this is a bad fucking idea, at the very least it’s an incredibly poor business decision as far as the future of her career is concerned.  The backlash started once word got out that she was even accepting his phone calls.  If she really did marry his ass, things are going to get very ugly.

Star’s “Secret Wedding” cover:

Chris Brown, whose arraignment is scheduled for tomorrow, looking chagrined and chastised in Miami, like he learned a valuable and life-changing lesson:

Notorious pants-pisser Fergie married long-time boyfriend Josh Duhamel in a “white fantasy wedding” over the weekend. According to People Magazine

The Black Eyed Peas singer, 33, and the actor, 36, tied the knot at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu [on Saturday]. Fergie carried a bouquet of white flowers studded with crystals as the couple exchanged H. Stern rings engraved with personal messages. Ten bridesmaids were dressed in contrasting black.

The bride, escorted by her father and given in marriage by her parents, is the granddaughter of the late Mr. and Mrs. I. P. Freely and the late Mr. and Mrs. I. C. A. Pisstain. The bride wore a white silk Dolce and Gabbana gown, Van Cleef & Arpel jewels, and Depends belted shields with button straps. Depends^TM — because nothing should put a “damper” on your special day!

Heading for their honeymoon:

Apparently the third time wasn’t a charm for Jennifer Lopez — rumors have been buzzing that her marriage to Marc Anthony is over after she showed up to the premiere of “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” last week sans husband or wedding band. So what went wrong? Us Weekly says

“He’s very, very controlling of her. The skirts aren’t as short. You don’t see so much of that booty anymore.” Anthony also picks out Lopez’s clothes and keeps tabs on her phone calls.

Another problem: Lopez — who once commanded $15 million per film — “blames Marc for her career [downturn]. Jennifer looked around and said, ‘This is my life now? I’m a Long Island housewife?’ She hates that everything she worked for went down the tubes.”

Anthony has also been badmouthing his wife. One night after their tense family Thanksgiving in which the couple “didn’t sit together,” Anthony hit NYC hotspots Bungalow 8 and Marquee, where he was spotted with his hand on a woman’s thigh and overheard complaining about his wife to a group of women.

His club spree didn’t stop there: The next night, he was photographed by TMZ.com partying sans wedding band with pal Eva Longoria Parker and Russell Crowe in Las Vegas.

Well, maybe that’s for the best. Now she can get back to her one true love, horribly cliched romantic comedies, and he can get back to his one true love, scurrying through dumpsters and gnawing on the brains of humans. Or whatever it is that zombie sewer rats do in their free time.

More of her at the Benjamin Button premiere without her undead rodent or wedding ring:

Hi guys and dolls, it’s Sonya and I’ll be your writer today. Speaking of guys, Guy Ritchie’s future looks noticeably brighter–hell, anything would probably look a lot less depressing after being married to barracuda Madonna. He won’t have to put up with being scheduled in for “sex”, or have her blaming him for drinking up all the Ripped Fuel, or have to wake up to a penis in the small of his back. Divorce never sounded so sweet! The Mirror reports,

Guy Ritchie was celebrating last night after it was revealed he and Madonna will be divorced today.

The film director blurted out “Thank God” when told of the quickie hearing in London. Guy, who will receive none of the singer’s £300million fortune, made clear his only concern was the children.

He added: “It dragged on much too long. It was never ever about money.”

Friends revealed last night that the star offered him £10million and he turned it down flat.

Guy, 40, said last night: “It was never about money – never about her bloody art collection. I just wanted to settle it and move on.”

He added: “I didn’t raise any objections at any stage until she insisted the children lived permanently in New York.”

The couple have been at war almost constantly since the Mirror exclusively broke the news five months ago that their seven-year marriage had become a sham.

Have a pint for me, Guy!

The Madonna/Guy Ritchie divorce rumors have buzzing for months now, but it finally looks like the couple has shoved the barrel in the metaphorical mouth of their marriage and pulled the trigger. TMZ says

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing, their rep has confirmed.

“Madonna and Guy Ritchie have agreed to divorce after seven-and-a-half years of marriage. They have both requested that the media maintain respect for their family at this difficult time,” says a statement given to the AP.

A quick, clean shot to the back of the relationship throat is definitely the best way to go. So much more efficient than, say, beating the relationship with a shovel and dousing it with kerosene and lighting it on fire in the back of an abandoned car you drive over a cliff, or “making a sex tape with his father” as it’s technically listed in our divorce proceeding.

Sorry boys — Samantha Ronson has officially laid claim to Lindsay Lohan, publicly announcing that she will be marrying everybody’s favorite Firecrotch within the next six months. According to The Sun

Sam used her DJ slot at [the] Chateau Marmont to announce the news, telling clubbers: “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs Ronson. Tonight shows the power of a woman – to underestimate that is to underestimate the world.”

And it’s also to underestimate the power of the penis. Can you tell the sun not to set or the stars not to shine? It’s Lindsay fucking Lohan, people. The only way you’d have a better chance of hitting that is if your penis were a lightning bolt and Lindsay were made of tinfoil and metal rods.

Do your tits hang low:

Justin Timberlake has taken the next relationship step in making an honest man woman out of Jessica Biel — he’s asked her to move in with him. According to In Touch Weekly

“Jessica is preparing to live in Justin’s Hollywood Hills home,” [says] an insider. It’s a big deal for Justin, 27, who has never taken this relationship step before, but the insider insists that “they’re definitely headed for marriage. Moving in is just the beginning.”

If you’re wondering the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is, it’s very simple. When she’s your girlfriend, she looks like Jessica Biel above. When she’s your wife, she starts to look like Jessica Biel below. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, boys!

Watching a Marlins game last month:

Though there has yet to be any official confirmation, singer Beyonce Knowles and her boyfriend of six years, rapper Jay-Z, were reportedly married Friday night in New York. The bride wore a white V-neck gown and a white flower in her hair, keeping theme with an all-white ceremony that included guests Gwyneth Paltrow, her husband Chris Martin, and former Destiny’s Child members Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams. Noticeably absent: The Game, Mase, and Nas. According to OK! Magazine

The ceremony was followed by a lavish party at Jay-Z’s penthouse apartment in NYC’s Tribeca neighborhood, decorated with white orchids and the number ‘4,’ signifying the birthday number Beyonce and Jay-Z both share (Beyonce in September, Jay-Z in December). 60,000 custom-designed white orchid blooms [were flown in] from Thailand for the ceremony.

The only thing more boring than this? The Dewey Decimal system, televised bass fishing, and the interpretive dance version of “Lost in Translation.”

G to the izz-O, P to the izz-A big pimpin at the reception: