In supremely boring news, Nicole Richie is now engaged to Good Faggot Charlotte frontman Joel Madden. Please hold your zzzzzz’s until the end. People Magazine says

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are planning to make it official.

“Yep. i’m engaged. Very happy. Yeah we’ve been engaged for a while so your all kind of late on that. But Thanks for the hooplah all the same,” Madden Tweeted Monday night, after news of their plans to wed went wide.

Richie, 28, and Madden, 30, began dating in December 2006 and have daughter Harlow, 2, and son Sparrow, 5 months.

My grandma says having babies before you get married is like putting the cart before the horse. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I imagine it looks a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker pushing a grocery basket.

Promoting her Winter Kate spring 2010 collection at Bloomingdale’s yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Oh hey look, one of The Jonas Brothers got married.  Not The Middle One (aka The Gay One) and not The Little One; it was The Old One.  I know that even squeeing tween Jonas Brothers fans don’t care about The Old One, but apparently People Magazine doesn’t know that, because his wedding photo is on their cover like it’s important or something.  But oh mah gawd, y’all, you HAVE to see the article they wrote about it, because this wedding was pretty much the fruitiest thing since Sunny Delight:

Kevin Jonas and Danielle Deleasa’s wedding earlier this month was like a fairy tale – complete with a castle, an enchanted forest and glass slippers in the bride’s shoe size, a gift from the groom.

“I knew that my princess needed her glass slippers and her castle,” Jonas told PEOPLE of the nuptials.

“I always wanted my wedding to have that princess feel,” adds the new Mrs. Jonas. “I couldn’t have imagined this,” she says of her lavish wedding Dec. 19 at Oheka Castle in Huntington, New York.

Despite a blizzard blanketing the roads around the castle, the wedding went forward without a hitch, and the bride, escorted by her father Thomas “Bucky” Deleasa, walked down the aisle to “Bella Notte,” from Lady and the Tramp, played on the guitar by a friend of the Jonas family. “I’m an Italian girl. It just fit me and my dad,” said Danielle of the song choice.

She wore GLASS SLIPPERS, you guys.  And her dad’s name is Bucky and she walked down the aisle to a song from goddamn Lady and the Tramp.  That’s like a clinical level of retardation.  Which I suppose means this marriage is serendipitous, since Old Jonas looks clinically retarded.

Sasquatch impersonator Khloé Kardashian will be marrying L.A. Lakers forward and boyfriend of one month Lamar Odom this upcoming weekend. According to Star Magazine

Khloé Kardashian sure isn’t one to waste time — she’s set to marry her boyfriend of only one month on Sunday!

Why the rush? The attention-grabbing nuptials talk is timed nicely with the debut of his new clothing line and airing of her reality show.

Well, I’ll be damned. All it takes to make Khloe Kardashian look feminine is to put her next to a six-foot ten-inch 230-pound black guy with mitts the size of tennis racquets and arms like a silverback gorilla. Mel B really might want to look into getting one of those for herself.

At Katsuya with Lamar last week:

“Girls Next Door” star Kendra Wilkinson and Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett were wed at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday. According to Us Weekly

Wilkinson’s [ex-boyfriend] Hugh Hefner [and] former Girls Next Door costars Bridget Marquardt and Holly Madison were among the 500 guests.

Her brother Colin walked her down the aisle. Hef was originally slated to do the honor but Wilkinson changed her mind.

Not many guys would be down with your getting married at your ex’s mansion. Especially if your ex was going to be sitting in the audience surrounded by the other whores with whom you used to have lesbian threesomes for his entertainment. Hef might as well have thrown used condoms and Viagra at him instead of rice.

Nothing’s official yet, but it looks as though Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are planning to get married. The Daily Mail says

23-year old [Kerr], who first started dating Orlando Bloom in late 2007, is now rumored to be engaged to the Lord of the Rings star. The couple looked extremely loved-up during a visit to Cannes earlier this week… and Miranda has been spotted wearing what looks like an engagement ring on her left finger.

Orlando Bloom might have starred in two of the most successful movie trilogies of all time and just laid claim to gorgeous lingerie model, but I’m not worried. Not at all. My day’s coming. Why, just last week my mom told me I was destined for a lifetime of fame and success. Only she used the expression “even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and then,” and instead of giving me a reassuring hug, she dumped my suitcase on the ground and peeled off in a cloud of dust and gin, but I know that’s what she meant. Sometimes you have to look past “words” and “actions” to discover the true meaning inside.

(Unretouched!) lingerie shoot and (retouched) VS swimsuit catalog pics:

I guess having three failed three failed marriages under her g-string isn’t enough for Pamela Anderson — the former Playmate is reportedly gearing up to marry her professional scuba diver boyfriend, Jamie Padgett. According to The Sun

[Pamela] has sparked rumors that she is set to wed for the third time after one of her designer pals told friends he is working on the busty actress’ new wedding dress.

Before him, she was married to TOMMY LEE, KID ROCK and RICK SALOMON.

A “professional” scuba diver? In my day, we called them “free-loading beach bums.” Of course, we also called beer “giggle water” and black people “darkies” and television “the talking picture box.” The next time a crazy scientist in a DeLorean DMC-12 offers me a ride, I’m going to have to pass.

With her son and the bum on Malibu beach:

David Letterman announced during the Monday taping of his CBS Late Show that he had married longtime girlfriend and mother of his child, Regina Lasko. Us Weekly says

“On Thursday, at 3 p.m., March 19, 2009, at the Teton County Courthouse in Choteau, Montana, I was married to Regina Lasko,” Letterman said about 20 minutes into the show, before he read the “Top 10″ list.

Letterman and Lasko — who began dating in 1986 when Lasko worked for him on his show — welcomed Harry in November 2003.

If you’re wondering why it took him 23 years to propose, I’m guessing it’s because it took fifteen just to convince him she wasn’t really a lesbian, and then maybe another seven before he finally gave up looking for her secret ax and blue ox. Congratulations to the happy couple!

Bruce Willis married his long-time model girlfriend Emma Heming over the weekend at his home on the Turks and Caicos islands. Us Weekly says

This is the second marriage for Willis, 54, and the first marriage for Heming, 30. Willis’ daughters, Rumor, 20, Scout, 17, and Tallulah Belle, 14, and their mother, Willis’ ex Demi Moore, were present, as was Moore’s current husband, Ashton Kutcher. Madonna was also among the guests.

“The couple will be having a civil ceremony when they return to California,” Willis’ rep tells Us.

Just think, when he was her age, she was just starting first grade. Bet that would have made for some awkward first dates. Especially if she’d already circle-circle-dot-dotted herself with a cootie shot and mastered the monkey bars. They’re virtually unattainable then.

A couple of her modeling in a bikini, and with Bruce at the “House Bunny” premiere:

In the most boring news ever to befoul your screen, singers Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams were married earlier this week in Georgia. Zzzzzzz… Us Weekly says

They tied the knot Tuesday in Savannah… [in a] secret wedding.

After confirming her engagement to Adams in February, Moore said she wanted the wedding “to slip by unnoticed by everybody. I guess we have to be sort of sneaky about it, but I’ll see what I can accomplish.”

I don’t know how two people who look like that managed to escape the public eye for so long! You’d have thought the Center for Disease Control would have snatched them right off the street and properly quarantined them until they consented to their Hepatitis vaccinations.

Boring, loring, snoring:

It’s official — Gisele Bundchen is now Mrs. Tom Brady! According to Us Weekly

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady wed [yesterday] at the St. Monica Catholic Church.

The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce & Gabbana. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce & Gabbana floral lace collars.

The ceremony — which began at dusk — was “very small and intimate” — guests mostly consisted of immediate family.

Does anybody else see what’s going on here? Eugenics, baby! Eugenics! Let’s consider the facts: Tom Brady looks like he was sculpted by Michelangelo himself, and Gisele might as well have been birthed from the sea on scallop shell surrounded by Zephyrs. Now look to your left and right. Is there anyone in your office/school/mother’s basement that is even remotely as attractive as these two? You know goddamn well there isn’t. The world is rife with uggos and fatties and wheezing invalids that should have been weeded out of the gene pool years ago but managed to be kept alive by the miracle of modern medicine. And so now, it begins. The master race. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World. Now we just wait for the Bokanovsky to process replace the immigrant work force and drink our Soma like the good little World State citizens we are.

In a bikini and on a photoshoot at Santa Monica beach:

The Times is reporting that Salma Hayek allegedly married on Saturday in Paris:

Mexican-born actress Salma Hayek has married French businessman Francois-Henri Pinault, reports the online edition of the weekly Le Point reported.

According to the report, the 42-year old Hayek, who is a naturalised US citizen, and Pinault, 46, were married on Valentines Day in the city hall of the Sixth Arrondissement in central Paris.

The news, if confirmed, comes as something of a surprise, because the star of the films Frida and Bandidas and Pinault had announced the end of their engagement in July last year.

On September 21, 2007, while engaged to Pinault, Hayek gave birth to her first child, Valentina Paloma Pinault, in Los Angeles.

Pinault is CEO of the luxury giant PPR and the son of one of France’s richest men, Francois Pinault, whose fortune has been estimated at $16.9 billion by the 2008 Forbes List of Billionaires. He also owns the publication Le Point, which broke the story

I’d love to get video footage of those two fighting. You’d have Salma shrieking away in Spanish, possibly throwing bric-a-brac at Pinault’s follicly-challenged head, and him cursing at her in French, hand on hip and gesticulating into the air with the other hand.
Now, if love can’t conquer all the turmoil their relationship has been through, then there’s two things that has been proven time and time again to do the trick: a fabulous rack and big bucks! Viva la romance!

Looking like a naughty schoolmarm at the ‘One Pack = One Vaccine’ campaign:

In douchebag news, it looks like Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag finally got pretend married in the publicity-stunt wedding of their jackassy dreams.  They “eloped” in Mexico last Thursday, in a 15-minute “unplanned” ceremony.  From US Weekly:

Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!

The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 20, US Weekly reports in its newest issue.

“The minute we said our vows, I couldn’t stop crying,” Montag, 22, tells US.

At the altar, Pratt, 25, told his bride: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”

Uh huh.  Suuure.  Love, forever and always.  Love of headlines and magazine covers and attention, in any form, good or bad.  Gosh, it’s just so romantic, innit?  Heidi’s family is, of course, incredibly supportive of this magically enchanted journey into wedded bliss, if by “supportive” you mean “completely unaware”.

Someone who might not be so thrilled? Montag’s mother.

“I called her right before the ceremony, sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, ‘Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle,’” Montag tells Us.

“She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that,” she adds. “I don’t know when I’ll tell her.”

Well, thank heavens you had the taste and decorum to tell her by way of an attention-whoring announcement in US Weekly, Heidi.  You are truly a beacon of class.

If these two spawn, I swear to God I might hurt someone.  If there really is a Santa Claus, all I want him to do for Christmas is to render them infertile.  It’d be a gift for the whole world.  Please, Santa?  I’ve been a good girl all year!  I didn’t even get arrested, except for that one time I was held on suspicion of impersonating a police officer, but that was all just a misunderstanding involving a pair of handcuffs, three schoolboys, and a public bathroom.  No charges were filed!