Drew Barrymore signed up for her third try at marriage, but before you say, “Who the fuck cares?”…oh wait. There isn’t any reason you should care. But you can at least stick around as a simple courtesy to me. Says Celebrity Fix,

Drew Barrymore is reportedly engaged to her art consultant boyfriend, Will Kopelman.

According to US Weekly Will popped the question in Sun Valley, Idaho, over the holidays, with a source telling the mag: “He’s madly in love and knows she’s The One.”

Drew and Will have been (publicly) dating since February last year, and a ‘pal’ of Drew’s told US in October that the 36-year-old is “yearning to get married and have kids.

I thought for a moment that I should go to the doctor and get tested for narcolepsy, because I was in the middle of reading this article and then the next thing I realized, I woke up with my face in my bowl of cereal. The only reason I’m not going is because this gig doesn’t provide medical benefits, so I figured if I posted it, and then asked if you had a similar reaction, then I could figure out if it was just me or if the story is really boring enough to make you spontaneously pass out. Let’s compare notes, shall we?

In a photoshoot by Amanda de Cadenet:

Tara Reid hasn’t been photographed with her new husband Zack Kehayov in several weeks now, leading to speculation that getting married the day he proposed might have been a little premature. Good thing they were never actually legally married, then. The Daily Mail says:

The Hollywood star, 35, was quizzed by a photographer about married life as she landed at LAX, only for her to confess she isn’t actually wed.

When asked if she could win US show The Newlywed Game, Tara replied: ‘We would lose… we were never really married, it was never legal.’

She did not comment whether or not they were still together or if they had known at the time what they were doing was not legal.

Tara Reid looks like she was pieced together with cadaver parts and fishing twine, so my interest in this story has long since waned. However, my interest in model Natasha Poly nude in next month’s Vogue Espana has not. When I close a door, I always make sure to open a window.

NSFW:

Former Beatle Paul McCartney wed for the third time this weekend in London, this time to 51-year old New York businesswoman Nancy Shevell. People magazine says:

The couple… have been dating since 2007 and were engaged in May.

Shevell, 51, wore a long-sleeved, v-neck, knee-length ivory dress and shoes by her new stepdaughter, fashion designer Stella McCartney, who also made her father’s navy blue suit.

Paul’s youngest daughter Beatrice, 7, served as the flower girl and was seen wearing a long dress under a pink wool coat, and a flower wreath in her hair.

Gah, this is so fucking boring. She’s not scandalously young or a gold-digger or pregnant with his child. She’s just a some old chick he married. It’s like trying to make a four-course meal out of a bowl of bran flakes and melba toast.

Whoop-de-fuckin-do:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In case you were trapped in a well for the last three days, Kim Kardashian married New Jersey Nets star Kris Humphries in a ten million dollar ceremony that didn’t cost her a fucking dime on Saturday. E! is of course milking it for all it’s worth with a two-part special entitled “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event” set to air in early October. People Magazine says:

The couple, who became engaged in May after dating for six months, wed at a private estate in front of 440 guests.

Kardashian donned an ivory custom-designed Vera Wang gown with full tulle skirt, basque waist and hand-pieced Chantilly lace appliqué on the bodice and train.

For later in the evening, Kim planned two more changes, both Vera Wang ivory dresses.

The first was a Georgette mermaid gown with hand-pieced Chantilly lace appliqué and hand-cut organza petals intermixed with Chantilly lace motifs and organza sprig embroidery.

The other Vera Wang dress was a bias-cut crepe back satin gown with V-neck and circle skirt.

The dress pictured above isn’t one of the three dresses she wore Saturday night — it was Madame Tussaud’s attempt at milking the event by putting her wax statue in a wedding gown. As if the real Kim Kardashian could ever get away with wearing white on her wedding day or look that natural under fluorescent lights.

Hot mess Tara Reid married her Danish businessman fiance of two hours (no, really) in Greece on Saturday. People Magazine says:

Reid, 35, Tweeted the happy news herself in a series of short messages. “Just got married in greece I love being a wife,” she Tweeted Saturday evening.

And it wasn’t a long engagement: only hours earlier she wrote on Twitter: “I just got engaged!”

The actress met Michael Lilleund in November in Saint-Tropez.

Reid was previously engaged to Internet entrepreneur Michael Axtmann, but called it off in 2010.

Poor Tara. I give it three months before she finds out that snowballing and felching aren’t really part of traditional Danish wedding vows. But by then it’ll be too late, because she’ll already be divorced. Sad.

UPDATE: So the guy she married wasn’t Michael Lilleund. She married some local named Zack Kehayov. I bet it wasn’t so much a “wedding” as it was “identity theft.”

Looking dazed and confused in L.A. last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jessica Simpson’s ex-husband Nick Lachey and former MTV something-or-other Vanessa Minnillo were married today, and surprise, surprise — Nick’s already found a way to make a reality show out of it. Because it worked out so well the first time, you see. Us Magazine says:

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo said “I do,” on Friday… at the top of a cliff overlooking the ocean on Necker Island. The wedding was extremely small and close family only.

They allowed reality cameras to document their big day as a part of a TLC wedding special.

These two D-list nobodies aren’t worth the time and energy it would take for me to burn them. Besides, just being Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo should be plenty burn enough. Or “Who and who again?” as they’re collectively known to the rest of the world.

Vanessa in a bikini in Mexico (hey, I’m trying to make this as interesting somehow):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

For a while, it was looking like January Jones‘ ex-boyfriend Jason Sudekis was the mystery father of her yet-unborn child, but in the immortal words of The Dude, some new shit has come to light, man! The Daily says:

It’s no wonder January Jones won’t reveal the father of her unborn baby. Sources say the dad-to-be is married.

Sources say Jones had an affair on the set of “X-Men: First Class,” which opens on June 3. [Some of the men in the cast who are married] include Matthew Vaughn, James MacAvoy, Kevin Bacon and Oliver Platt.

This just proves that everyone in the world — even unborn bastard children — are only six degrees away from Kevin Bacon. Eerie, isn’t it?

January in Pasadena last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

After a year-long engagement, country music stars Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert were married in Texas this weekend. I guess he finally tasted all she’s cookin’ — and in this case, it was venison. According to People Magazine:

The couple exchanged vows Saturday night at the Don Strange Ranch north of San Antonio.

The menu was unique: venison, which the bride harvested herself.

Shelton, 34, proposed last May in the woods near Lambert’s Tishomingo, Okla., home.

I’m sorry — the bride served “venison she’d harvested herself?” Come on. That’s a bit over the top, even for country music stereotypes. They should have gone for something a little more believable, like a wedding dress made of possum skins and rebel flags and a guy in overalls playing the washboard and jug from the bed of a Ford F-150 truck.

LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian reportedly wed on Friday in an intimate ceremony in Malibu. It’s just like a fairytale! That is, if one of the Ugly Stepsisters ran off with Cinderella’s Prince Charming. Says Us Magazine,

Rimes, 28, and Cibrian, 37, married at sunset under a tree. (The two met in 2008 on the set of their Lifetime movie Northern Lights. At the time, both were married to other people. Us Weekly broke the news of their ongoing extramarital affair in March 2009.)

Following their “I do’s,” the couple and their guests partied on at the reception. Rimes thanked her mom and friends “for being so supportive and always being there for [her.]”

At 11:09 p.m., Cibrian and Rimes cut their three-tier wedding cake while the oldies song ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ played.

At 11:11 p.m., Cibrian made a toast. “Someone loves the f****** microphone and that’s me! We’ve both had much larger weddings before, about 100-150 people both, but we just wanted our closest of friends and family here with us tonight. The next one will be ever smaller though,” he joked. “We’ll just keep parring it down!” The crowd laughed had cheered, and Cibrian finished his toast, saying, “Seriously, you guys are here because you guys mean a lot to us.”

Rimes echoed Cibrian’s sentiments and told her guests, “I love you all.” She added: “Now let’s have some cake, bitches!”

After hitting the dance floor, the newlyweds left in an SUV at 12:52 a.m.

On Saturday, Rimes wrote on her Twitter page: “Eddie and I are overwhelmed by the amount of lovely well wishes. We are blessed and…. I’m Mrs. Cibrian!!! So wonderful to wake up as husband and wife. Love to all of you.”

Personally, I think “philanderer and harlot” have a much more musical ring than boring old “husband and wife”. That’s what I decided to go with anyway, when I got all my linens embroidered.

Rachel Bilson in a bikini with Hayden Christensen, because I’d take one bikini-clad Rachel over a dozen nude LeAnns:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon married boyfriend of one year Jim Toth at her 6-acre ranch in Ojai, California on Saturday. It was the second marriage for Reese, who was wed to actor Ryan Phillipe for seven years before divorcing him in 2007. Us Magazine says:

Wearing a custom-designed Monique Lhuillier gown, the actress, 35, exchanged vows with CAA agent Toth, 40, in front of 120 family members and friends (including Renee Zellweger, and Alyssa Milano, and Tobey Maguire) in the front courtyard of the Ojai house.

Witherspoon’s best friend, Heather Rosenfield, served as matron of honor, and her kids with ex-husband Ryan Phillippe — daughter Ava, 11, and son Deacon, 7 — took part in the ceremony. The Oscar winner’s young nieces served as flower girls.

The “Tennessee Waltz” was the processional music for Toth and the kids, while Witherspoon walked down the aisle to “Here Comes the Bride.”

I actually met Reese Witherspoon right after she did Fear at this bar called Boundry in Nashville, and she was as nice and down-to-earth as she could be. At least until my douchebag boyfriend sauntered up and asked her if being finger-banged by Mark Wahlberg was the highpoint of her career. Then she said, “Yeah, it’s on my fucking resume, asshole” and flipped us the bird before storming off. Then I cried because a famous person gave me the middle finger in public. True story.

Leaving church with Jim earlier this month:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

In news that nobody’s sure to care about, former 98 Degrees member Nick Lachey and his longtime girlfriend are getting married. You can almost hear Jessica Simpson’s muffled sobs through the mouthfuls of biscuits and gravy. Radar Online says:

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, who briefly split last summer, are now engaged!

“We’re excited and incredibly happy about our engagement and we look forward to a wonderful future together,” the couple [said in a statement].

And in news you’ll care even less about, that one squinty-eyed country singer who cheated on her gay husband is marrying that guy she fucked while he was still married to somebody else. Vive l’amour! Radar Online adds:

Boyfriend Eddie Cibrian will now call [LeAnn Rimes] his fiancée.

Cibrian got down on bended knee recently, E! Online is reporting.

Their engagement news comes shortly after Rimes did an interview with ABC’s Robin Roberts to discuss the cheating scandal surrounding involving her ex-husband Dean Sheremet and current beau Cibrian.

Why would you buy the cow when you already get the milk for free? Especially if somebody else had already bought the cow first and it wouldn’t give them any milk, but practically hosed down the next thing with a penis that came within twenty feet of the big fake udders they’d bought and paid for while they owned it. I’d say the only reason to invest in that cow is for the choice cuts and shoe leather.

Zzzzzzz:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

How do I know that no one cares about Kate Moss anymore? Because she managed to get married two months ago without the paps knowing about it. Says CelebrityFIX,

Kate Moss reportedly tied the knot with her boyfriend Jamie Hince in a secret Italian ceremony two months ago.

The supermodel is believed to have married Hince in an intimate service with only her closest friends and relatives on the island of Sicily on August 7.

Kate, 36, wore a sheer white dress and went barefoot, while her eight-year-old daughter Lila-Grace was a ring bearer, The Mirror reports.

A source told the UK newspaper, “Kate’s had a fairly turbulent love life. But she’s a romantic at heart. The plans were kept very quiet as Kate wanted the day to be low-key and purely a celebration of their love.

“She’s never been one for convention or tradition, but Jamie’s been there for her through thick and thin, and she simply felt the time was right.

“They planned the day for weeks and were so excited. Kate didn’t want a stuffy, formal do, but something spiritual. Minutes after tying the knot, the giggling newlyweds were outside the church, dancing under trees. It was an incredibly happy day.”

Kate and Jamie have been dating on and off since 2007.

Well, if he wants to be contractually obligated to screw a corpse, more power to him. Fortunately she comes with her own supply of narcotics to take the edge off. He won’t even feel it when he fractures his pelvis!

Spotted leaving a pub in London: