In douchebag news, it looks like Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag finally got pretend married in the publicity-stunt wedding of their jackassy dreams.  They “eloped” in Mexico last Thursday, in a 15-minute “unplanned” ceremony.  From US Weekly:

Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!

The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 20, US Weekly reports in its newest issue.

“The minute we said our vows, I couldn’t stop crying,” Montag, 22, tells US.

At the altar, Pratt, 25, told his bride: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”

Uh huh.  Suuure.  Love, forever and always.  Love of headlines and magazine covers and attention, in any form, good or bad.  Gosh, it’s just so romantic, innit?  Heidi’s family is, of course, incredibly supportive of this magically enchanted journey into wedded bliss, if by “supportive” you mean “completely unaware”.

Someone who might not be so thrilled? Montag’s mother.

“I called her right before the ceremony, sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, ‘Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle,’” Montag tells Us.

“She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that,” she adds. “I don’t know when I’ll tell her.”

Well, thank heavens you had the taste and decorum to tell her by way of an attention-whoring announcement in US Weekly, Heidi.  You are truly a beacon of class.

If these two spawn, I swear to God I might hurt someone.  If there really is a Santa Claus, all I want him to do for Christmas is to render them infertile.  It’d be a gift for the whole world.  Please, Santa?  I’ve been a good girl all year!  I didn’t even get arrested, except for that one time I was held on suspicion of impersonating a police officer, but that was all just a misunderstanding involving a pair of handcuffs, three schoolboys, and a public bathroom.  No charges were filed!

Despite the pleas of men the world over, Megan Fox is still planning on marrying 90210 douche Brian Austin Green. Brian told People Magazine at GQ’s Woman of the Year bash on Tuesday

“[The ceremony will be] small. We might have a few people there. Don’t expect a lot of press hoopla surrounding [the] big day… You might hear about it the week after.”

Brian Austin Green better have a donkey-sized penis, because that’s about the only thing that could make this union credible. Either a giant wiener, or maybe sole possession of a ring forged in the fires of Mount Doom by the Elven smiths of Eregion. It’s the only way this makes any goddamn sense.

After swearing off marriage until gay people have the right to wed, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may end up tying the knot after all. She told the Italian edition of Vanity Fair

“Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards. But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us [to get married]. You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, “Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?”

Ah, Shrek! I’ve learned many important life lessons from that movie. Namely, that it’s perfectly normal to have to have pets that talk back to you and that one day, giant cookies will join forces with us in our fight to overthrow the establishment. Don’t let your psychologist tell you any different!

Actress Scarlett Johansson is officially off the market, at least for the next, oh, year and a half, tops. According to Us Weekly

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are now husband and wife, her rep has confirmed to Usmagazine.com.The wedding took place Saturday evening at a remote wilderness resort outside Vancouver. Guests included Scarlett’s mother, Melanie Sloan, and her brother, Adrian Johansson.

How rustic and quaint! A wilderness wedding. I get it. The becoming one with nature as they become one with each other and stuff. I would now like to offer my congratulations with a heartfelt toast. Hang on, what’s Canadian for “pretentious asswipes” again?

Scarlett in the August issue of Gloss Magazine:

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi finally made it official over the weekend. Their spokesperson told People Magazine

“Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were married tonight in an intimate ceremony at their home in Los Angeles. DeGeneres, 50, and de Rossi, 35, both wore Zac Posen and exchanged rings by Neil Lane during the Saturday ceremony.

The intimate ceremony was attended by 19 guests who witnessed the couple exchange handwritten vows.”

I suppose the eternal love and together foreverness is alright, but once two lesbians are legally bound and cohabiting, they lose a lot of freedoms they for granted. Namely, the freedom to ask, “Your face or mine tonight?” I swear, that never gets old!

Jessica Alba married long-time boyfriend and father of her no-longer-bastard child Cash Warren in a civil ceremony in Beverly Hills yesterday. People Magazne says

Warren arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m, applied for a marriage license and waited for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them. They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail. Nobody else attended the wedding.

Well, it’s like they say — “Give a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” May their love burn bright the rest of their days! Or until they file for divorce two years down the road due to “irreconcilable differences.”

With her mom last week:

Looks like Joe Simpson’s shameless begging paid off — despite their recent split, Tony Romo was on hand to escort maid of honor Jessica Simpson down the aisle at little sister Ashlee’s wedding this weekend. People Magazine says

Simpson and her NFL-star beau were spotted together Friday… during Ashlee’s rehearsal dinner, held at Jessica’s Beverly Hills home. “They were very cozy and cute together,” said a source close to the couple. “She was in an amazing mood and so happy her sister was getting married.”

As for Saturday’s wedding and Alice In Wonderland-themed reception, Romo [and Jessica] “were kissing and holding hands throughout the night. He was very sweet to her. They were very much a couple.”

Joe Simpson likes to fancy himself as some kind of clever pirate, commandeering his daughter’s lives and steering them toward his own fiscal success. The reality is he’s like a retarded puppeteer who mostly uses his sock puppets for jerking off and keeping his hand cool while he shoots himself in the foot.

Ashlee Simpson is all set to get married to boyfriend Pete Wentz this weekend. Squeal! Us Weekly says

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a “top secret” location. “Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice.” On Saturday, “all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location.”

In lieu of cash, you could probably just send the happy couple boxes of tampons and Lady Bics. You know, something they can both use for years to come!

Ashlee with friends in L.A. on Sunday:

Singer Mariah Carey secretly married boyfriend Nick Cannon in an impromptu Bahama wedding on Wednesday. Best part is, she didn’t make him sign a pre-nup. The New York Post says

Carey married little-screen actor Nick Cannon at the home Carey just bought in Eleuthera. “They have been smitten with each other for days, weeks,” a friend said. “And it could work out - some people know each other for five years and get divorced, maybe this is true instant love. There was no pre-nup - there wasn’t time.”

Nick Cannon’s biggest claim to fame is getting dumped by Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks five months after he proposed to her. Mariah Carey, on the other hand, just surpassed Elvis as the artist with the most number one Billboard singles in history. Even if “All That” was shown 57 times a day in all 195 countries around the world for the next quarter of a century, Nick still wouldn’t have come within smelling range of Mariah Carey’s income tax bracket. But now that’s he’s married her, he gets to wipe his ass with Benjamin Franklin’s face for the rest of his life. The only way this guy could be any luckier is if his parents happened to be leprechaun-genie hybrids who lived in a wishing well.

Carmen Electra set to get married a third time, this time to boyfriend Rob Patterson of Korn. Is that true love I smell? Or did somebody just forget to flush again. According to People Magazine

Patterson, 37, who is the former touring guitarist for Korn, popped the question over the weekend while he and Electra were in Las Vegas to celebrate her 36th birthday. The couple have been dating less than a year.

Mind you, this woman got drilled by Dennis Rodman. More than once. A six foot seven inch black guy. I bet having sex with her now is like stirring a cup of coffee with a spoon. Sure, it’s warm and wet, but you have to really swirl it around to hit all the sides. Congratulations, Korn guy! You really won big.

Vegas Birthday bash:

They’ve been married for all of 14 days now, and the honeymoon is already over for Beyonce and Jay-Z. According to The Mirror

The newlyweds have had their first lovers’ tiff. It kicked off at the Hollywood Bowl in LA. [Jay-Z] climbed on stage [and started] rapping over a few songs. The DJ slapped on one of Beyonce’s biggest hits, Crazy In Love. Jay-Z… stormed to the mic and growled “Fuck that. Sorry, Bey, but fuck that - let’s play something else.”

Furious, Bey stalked off. After he came off stage, she confronted him, demanding to know what the hell his comments had been about. She was gesturing wildly and not looking happy.

Ah, marriage. That special union that makes his formerly cute little habit of winking seem like a fucking Tourettes’ tic and his penchant for leaving wet towels in the floor a direct assault on your emotional well-being. Like Katherine Hepburn once said, “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.”

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz announced that they are getting married in a statement posted on their blog yesterday. Ashlee wrote:

“We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I, and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes – it means the world to us.”

In a special Yeeeah! exclusive, I got a hold the vows Pete and Ashlee have written for each other for the big day. Pete’s were written in his own tears, so they impossible to make out, but Ashlee’s are posted below:

I, Ashlee, take you, Pete, to be my lawfully wedded husband, my never-ending source of hair product, my sexually ambiguous soul mate and partner from this day forward.

In the presence of God, my dad and your psychiatrist, I offer you my solemn vow to be yours in Ativan overdoses and in health, in good times and in bad, and in good hair days as well as the days your flat iron short circuits.

I promise to share my eyeliner, my skinny jeans and my nail polish with you, to cry with you and cut with you, and to never make you actually touch my vagina for as long as we both shall live.

The happy couple leaving Beso restaurant in Hollywood April 5th: