In news that nobody’s sure to care about, former 98 Degrees member Nick Lachey and his longtime girlfriend are getting married. You can almost hear Jessica Simpson’s muffled sobs through the mouthfuls of biscuits and gravy. Radar Online says:

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, who briefly split last summer, are now engaged!

“We’re excited and incredibly happy about our engagement and we look forward to a wonderful future together,” the couple [said in a statement].

And in news you’ll care even less about, that one squinty-eyed country singer who cheated on her gay husband is marrying that guy she fucked while he was still married to somebody else. Vive l’amour! Radar Online adds:

Boyfriend Eddie Cibrian will now call [LeAnn Rimes] his fiancée.

Cibrian got down on bended knee recently, E! Online is reporting.

Their engagement news comes shortly after Rimes did an interview with ABC’s Robin Roberts to discuss the cheating scandal surrounding involving her ex-husband Dean Sheremet and current beau Cibrian.

Why would you buy the cow when you already get the milk for free? Especially if somebody else had already bought the cow first and it wouldn’t give them any milk, but practically hosed down the next thing with a penis that came within twenty feet of the big fake udders they’d bought and paid for while they owned it. I’d say the only reason to invest in that cow is for the choice cuts and shoe leather.

Zzzzzzz:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

How do I know that no one cares about Kate Moss anymore? Because she managed to get married two months ago without the paps knowing about it. Says CelebrityFIX,

Kate Moss reportedly tied the knot with her boyfriend Jamie Hince in a secret Italian ceremony two months ago.

The supermodel is believed to have married Hince in an intimate service with only her closest friends and relatives on the island of Sicily on August 7.

Kate, 36, wore a sheer white dress and went barefoot, while her eight-year-old daughter Lila-Grace was a ring bearer, The Mirror reports.

A source told the UK newspaper, “Kate’s had a fairly turbulent love life. But she’s a romantic at heart. The plans were kept very quiet as Kate wanted the day to be low-key and purely a celebration of their love.

“She’s never been one for convention or tradition, but Jamie’s been there for her through thick and thin, and she simply felt the time was right.

“They planned the day for weeks and were so excited. Kate didn’t want a stuffy, formal do, but something spiritual. Minutes after tying the knot, the giggling newlyweds were outside the church, dancing under trees. It was an incredibly happy day.”

Kate and Jamie have been dating on and off since 2007.

Well, if he wants to be contractually obligated to screw a corpse, more power to him. Fortunately she comes with her own supply of narcotics to take the edge off. He won’t even feel it when he fractures his pelvis!

Spotted leaving a pub in London:

“True Blood” stars Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer got married this weekend in California. Can I get an “awwwwwww Sookie” up in here? Us Magazine says:

Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer wed Saturday evening at a private residence in Malibu. The couple were “surrounded by their family and friends” — many of them bearing gifts in purple boxes and with purple bows.

Paquin, 28, and Moyer, 40, began dating a few months after filming first began in 2008 for HBO’s smash vampire series.

The actor has a son, Billy, and daughter, Lilac, from two previous relationships.

That’s a pretty big age difference between them. Twelve years. Think about it — when Stephen was the age Anna is now, she was just getting her learner’s permit and maybe picking out a dress for the junior prom. Or as I like to call it, “open season.”

One day after the wedding and he’s already “lost” his ring:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

After less than a month of engagement, Orlando Bloom and Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr were married in a ceremony hailed by the press as the “the most secret-y secret in all of secret-dom.” Yes, I count as press. Well, I have my own badge and everything. Plus I wrote “PRESS” on an index card and stuck in the brim of my fedora, just like in the old-timey movies. The Daily Mail says:

Miranda Kerr and film star Orland Bloom are thought to have tied the knot in Los Angeles, but no other details were immediately available.

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda has revealed the pair are already on their honeymoon.

The Pirates Of The Caribbean star reportedly proposed twice before, but the model was said to be reluctant to make the union official.

She still looks a little “reluctant” in that picture up there, don’t you think? He’s got on what appears to be a bulletproof vest and a fake mustache (well, let’s hope it’s fake) and he’s dragging her by the wrist like she was a Pomeranian on her way to the vet’s to get neutered. Definitely raises some suspicions. This is usually the sort of thing you’d see taken from an airport surveillance cam right before they issued an official amber alert.

Virtually eyebrow-less (and topless) in Numéro #114 magazine:

Holy shit. She really did it. After a series of on-again off-again engagements, Megan Fox has married “90210″ veteran Brian Austin Green. Star Magazine says:

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green tied the knot late last week in Hawaii.

The location of the wedding — which took place Thursday or Friday — was the Four Seasons Hualalai at Historic Ka’upulehu on the big island of Hawaii.

“Megan and Brian had already been there for a few days,” [said a source]. “It seemed like a spur of the moment thing. I don’t think it had been planned long. Megan and Brian are still there at the hotel… celebrating their honeymoon.”

Oh, I know all about “unplanned” and “spur of the moment.” It’s called “Jose Cuervo” and “a lifetime of regret.” Ask any one of my four baby daddies. They’ll tell you straight up.

Proof that she should have stopped with the Juvederm about four syringes ago:

After an eight-year engagement, twice-divorced Harrison Ford and “Ally McBeal” actress Calista Flockhart were married yesterday afternoon in New Mexico. According to TMZ:

Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico performed the ceremony.

The couple was married in the Governor’s mansion in Santa Fe. Their marriage license was filed today in the County Clerk’s Office.

Ooh, I bet that’s a really sexy honeymoon night right there. It would be like watching a shell-less tortoise trying to mount a praying mantis without throwing out his back or missing the last ten minutes of Perry Mason. I think I’d have an easier time masturbating to a laxative commercial.

In supremely boring news, Nicole Richie is now engaged to Good Faggot Charlotte frontman Joel Madden. Please hold your zzzzzz’s until the end. People Magazine says

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are planning to make it official.

“Yep. i’m engaged. Very happy. Yeah we’ve been engaged for a while so your all kind of late on that. But Thanks for the hooplah all the same,” Madden Tweeted Monday night, after news of their plans to wed went wide.

Richie, 28, and Madden, 30, began dating in December 2006 and have daughter Harlow, 2, and son Sparrow, 5 months.

My grandma says having babies before you get married is like putting the cart before the horse. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I imagine it looks a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker pushing a grocery basket.

Promoting her Winter Kate spring 2010 collection at Bloomingdale’s yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Oh hey look, one of The Jonas Brothers got married.  Not The Middle One (aka The Gay One) and not The Little One; it was The Old One.  I know that even squeeing tween Jonas Brothers fans don’t care about The Old One, but apparently People Magazine doesn’t know that, because his wedding photo is on their cover like it’s important or something.  But oh mah gawd, y’all, you HAVE to see the article they wrote about it, because this wedding was pretty much the fruitiest thing since Sunny Delight:

Kevin Jonas and Danielle Deleasa’s wedding earlier this month was like a fairy tale – complete with a castle, an enchanted forest and glass slippers in the bride’s shoe size, a gift from the groom.

“I knew that my princess needed her glass slippers and her castle,” Jonas told PEOPLE of the nuptials.

“I always wanted my wedding to have that princess feel,” adds the new Mrs. Jonas. “I couldn’t have imagined this,” she says of her lavish wedding Dec. 19 at Oheka Castle in Huntington, New York.

Despite a blizzard blanketing the roads around the castle, the wedding went forward without a hitch, and the bride, escorted by her father Thomas “Bucky” Deleasa, walked down the aisle to “Bella Notte,” from Lady and the Tramp, played on the guitar by a friend of the Jonas family. “I’m an Italian girl. It just fit me and my dad,” said Danielle of the song choice.

She wore GLASS SLIPPERS, you guys.  And her dad’s name is Bucky and she walked down the aisle to a song from goddamn Lady and the Tramp.  That’s like a clinical level of retardation.  Which I suppose means this marriage is serendipitous, since Old Jonas looks clinically retarded.

Sasquatch impersonator Khloé Kardashian will be marrying L.A. Lakers forward and boyfriend of one month Lamar Odom this upcoming weekend. According to Star Magazine

Khloé Kardashian sure isn’t one to waste time — she’s set to marry her boyfriend of only one month on Sunday!

Why the rush? The attention-grabbing nuptials talk is timed nicely with the debut of his new clothing line and airing of her reality show.

Well, I’ll be damned. All it takes to make Khloe Kardashian look feminine is to put her next to a six-foot ten-inch 230-pound black guy with mitts the size of tennis racquets and arms like a silverback gorilla. Mel B really might want to look into getting one of those for herself.

At Katsuya with Lamar last week:

“Girls Next Door” star Kendra Wilkinson and Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett were wed at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday. According to Us Weekly

Wilkinson’s [ex-boyfriend] Hugh Hefner [and] former Girls Next Door costars Bridget Marquardt and Holly Madison were among the 500 guests.

Her brother Colin walked her down the aisle. Hef was originally slated to do the honor but Wilkinson changed her mind.

Not many guys would be down with your getting married at your ex’s mansion. Especially if your ex was going to be sitting in the audience surrounded by the other whores with whom you used to have lesbian threesomes for his entertainment. Hef might as well have thrown used condoms and Viagra at him instead of rice.

Nothing’s official yet, but it looks as though Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are planning to get married. The Daily Mail says

23-year old [Kerr], who first started dating Orlando Bloom in late 2007, is now rumored to be engaged to the Lord of the Rings star. The couple looked extremely loved-up during a visit to Cannes earlier this week… and Miranda has been spotted wearing what looks like an engagement ring on her left finger.

Orlando Bloom might have starred in two of the most successful movie trilogies of all time and just laid claim to gorgeous lingerie model, but I’m not worried. Not at all. My day’s coming. Why, just last week my mom told me I was destined for a lifetime of fame and success. Only she used the expression “even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and then,” and instead of giving me a reassuring hug, she dumped my suitcase on the ground and peeled off in a cloud of dust and gin, but I know that’s what she meant. Sometimes you have to look past “words” and “actions” to discover the true meaning inside.

(Unretouched!) lingerie shoot and (retouched) VS swimsuit catalog pics:

I guess having three failed three failed marriages under her g-string isn’t enough for Pamela Anderson — the former Playmate is reportedly gearing up to marry her professional scuba diver boyfriend, Jamie Padgett. According to The Sun

[Pamela] has sparked rumors that she is set to wed for the third time after one of her designer pals told friends he is working on the busty actress’ new wedding dress.

Before him, she was married to TOMMY LEE, KID ROCK and RICK SALOMON.

A “professional” scuba diver? In my day, we called them “free-loading beach bums.” Of course, we also called beer “giggle water” and black people “darkies” and television “the talking picture box.” The next time a crazy scientist in a DeLorean DMC-12 offers me a ride, I’m going to have to pass.

With her son and the bum on Malibu beach: