No, this isn’t a Dan Brown gospel revisionist story of incest, we’re talking about the Madge reportedly preparing to tie the red string knot with her model boy toy, Jesus Luz. NineMSN reports,

Never mind their ultra-Catholic monikers – Madonna and toyboy lover Jesus Luz are reportedly planning on sealing the deal Kabbalah style!

The Mirror report the pair are planning a Kabbalah commitment ceremony in New York, with Jesus ditching his Catholic faith in favour of his sugar mama’s religion of choice.

He’s been snapped going to Kabbalah classes since the start of the year, and has been a massive support to Madge lately – she’s said to be shattered after her failed bid to adopt three-year-old Malawi tot Mercy James.

The pair were rumoured to have split during Madge’s adoption attempt, but apparently they were just chilling out on the relationship side of things while Madonna concentrated on trying to adopt the little girl.

“They are totally besotted with each other and he’s really helped Madonna through this tough time,” a source told The Mirror of Jesus and Madonna’s lurve.

“It wasn’t that the relationship went off the boil, it was more a matter of Madonna wanting to concentrate on her adoption bid of Mercy and they wanted to keep a low profile while that became the main focus.”

“Madonna was devastated when the adoption was rejected the first time but now she wants to lavish some attention on Jesus and she’s keen to make sure they have a solid relationship for all the children’s sakes.”

Madonna’s kids Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and David, three, are apparently fond of their mum’s new friend.

“Lourdes teases him by calling him The Babysitter, because he is so young,” said the source. “She likes him, but loves to wind him up.”

Oh yes, it’s going to be all rosy until Lourdes grows up into a beautiful young woman and then Jesus will start canoodling with her, and then Madonna will shapeshift into a harpy, rip poor Lourdes to shreds, pluck out Jesus’ eyes and inhale his gonads. The End.

Jesus and Madonna in her stupid Marc Jacobs Met Costume Gala getup. Looks like she’s trying to hold her head on or something.