Mary-Kate Olsen made an appearance at the Museum of Modern Art’s Second Annual Film Benefit honoring Tim Burton last night in a knee-length leopard-print coat and a jaunty bowler’s hat. When asked for comment, all she could reportedly say was “Beeeee… gooooooood.”

A few more of Mary-Kate, plus some of the always-disheveled Helena Bonham Carter:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Ozzy Osbourne swore he would never play for pink slips again after losing his motorcycle to the Wicked Witch of the West in a late-night game of Winkie poker.

Mary-Kate “Bark at the Moon” Olsen and her boyfriend in the East Village yesterday:

Dozens of female celebrities and actresses — from the Olsen Twins to supermodel Cindy Crawford — get almost-naked in photographer Timothy White’s new book “Hollywood Pinups” ($39.95, Collins Design). Actress Angie Harmon, seen above, gets the most naked of all, but not just because naked hot chicks are awesome. The collection of naughty photos is actually a charitable endeavor — 100% of the proceeds go to fight global poverty. And, it seems, to aid those without an impetus to masturbate. Statistics indicate it’s the biggest problem currently facing males age 14-73 in our nation today! Won’t you do your part and get naked, too? I say it’s time to stop being part of the problem and start becoming part of the solution, ladies!

Mary-Kate does her best impression of a scarecrow walking around in what looks like Kurt Cobain’s old shirt. Poor little rich girl, she obviously doesn’t get enough food and her synapses aren’t all firing, making her latest outfit yet another epic fail in a long line of failures. Would it really kill her to drop the Schlumpy McDumpy look, do something NEW with her hair, and actually SHOW HER TEETH when she smiles, instead of that pursed smirk she always does? Damn! For being so vanilla, she seriously annoys me.

More of Mary-Kate wishing if she only had a brain

You might remember that Mary-Kate Olsen was the first person called after Heath Ledger’s unconscious body was discovered in his apartment in January of this year. Interestingly, Mary-Kate Olsen is also the only acquaintance of Heath’s refusing to talk to federal investigators. According to The Daily Mail

MK is demanding “immunity from prosecution” before she’ll give any details about his death to the feds.

Investigators believe the powerful painkiller [on which Heath overdosed] may have been obtained illegally and are desperate to find out where it came from. They contacted Olsen’s lawyer asking for the star’s help, but he has reportedly not allowed her to talk unless she is given immunity from prosecution.

Everyone else connected to Heath has been interviewed by federal investigators. Everyone except Mary-Kate, who has refused to speak.

Jeez, guilty much? Of course, once the media got a hold of this little tidbit, Olsen’s attorney issued the following statement:

“Despite tabloid speculation, Mary-Kate Olsen had nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger’s home or his body, and she does not know where he obtained them. Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed. These descriptions are incomplete and inaccurate.”

Perhaps when under federal review, her decision to send her bodyguard instead of paramedics might be construed as “monumentally stupid” and “the final nail in his coffin.” Not to mention the all the decency laws she’s broken over the years wearing clothing that asinine. I’m sure there’s a substantial fine and mandatory jail time for those glasses at least.

Mary-Kate in Hollywood July 16th:

Although rumors emerged last month that she was headed to rehab, is Mary-Kate Olsen refusing to acknowledge that she has a drinking problem. According to Star Magazine

The twin was so out of it that she collapsed in a public parking lot and then spent a short time in a holistic health spa to detox. But that didn’t slow her down, and… now she’s out of control and needs more treatment fast!

“Mary-Kate seriously needs to get to rehab, but she doesn’t think she has a problem,” says a source. “She thinks she’s young, hip and entitled to live her life as she sees fit. But it’s affecting everything.

Look, just because people keep telling you that you have a problem doesn’t mean you actually have a problem. If I checked myself into rehab every time my parents or H.R. or the docent at the National Space and Air Museum told me I needed to get my shit together, I’d have spent the last ten years of my life in detox instead of drunk on the couch writing about people I don’t actually know. Think of all the good stuff you guys would have missed!

At the screening of The Wackness:

At the Late Show with David Letterman:

Video footage of Mary-Kate Olsen being carried to her car and then tumbling out of the backseat after partying in L.A. Thursday night has sparked rumors that The Thinspiration will be taking another sabbatical in rehab. (I searched high and low this morning for the footage, but it’s all mysteriously been yanked after making the rounds late Friday afternoon.) According to Full Disclosure

Olsen went to rehab in Utah in 2004 for an eating disorder amid rumors that she was also being treated for substance abuse. Now friends say she is out of control again.

“She refused to talk to Elle magazine about her involvement with Heath Ledger [and it] has brought the whole thing up in the press again and she has been depressed all over,” one pal tells us.

Boy, I wish I could make a living out of drinking my body weight and passing out on the street. Of course, for Mary-Kate, drinking her body weight translates to three Bacardi Breezers and a buttery nipple if she’s retaining water, but still. I’d be fucking Fortune 500 by now. You know, instead of just part-time in your mom’s pants. Buuurrn, mothafuckas!

At the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala last month with her sister:

Mary-Kate Olsen debuted the latest in Mrs. Roper’s goiter-concealing evening wear line at a children’s charity event last night in New York. Later on that same evening, she lead the crowd in a series of motivational exercises to chart-toppers from the fifties and sixties and encouraged them all to say “Farewell to Fat!”

One more of Roper/Simmons sexing it up after the jump

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Sometimes you see things in black and white because the very nature of an absolute truth leaves no room for a middle ground. Other times you see things in black and white because you’re a pretentious idiot in a pair of gigantic bifocal sunglasses. See if you can guess which one Mary-Kate Olsen is.

UPDATE: I’m moving this up so it can stare at you all weekend long.

Heath Ledger was reportedly dating actress Mary-Kate Olsen in the months before he died. People magazine says

Both the New York Post and Daily News reported this week that Ledger and the Olsen twin were dating. “Mary-Kate and Heath were casually dating for three months before Heath’s death,” a source [said]. “They were hooking up, but neither were particularly interested in making it exclusive. They had a bond that was based on partying, and they had the same tastes in partying … like, in terms of where they liked to hang out in New York, what time they would want to go out.”

Which still doesn’t explain the four calls the masseuse made to Mary-Kate the day of his death, three of them before she ever even called the 911. According to Us Weekly

The masseuse who discovered Heath Ledger’s body Tuesday spent nine minutes making three phone calls to Mary-Kate Olsen before she called 911. She then called Olsen a fourth time after paramedics arrived.

A timeline:

2:45 p.m. Wolozin shows up for Ledger’s massage appointment and knocks on his door.

3 p.m. She calls his cell phone to wake him up.

3:17 p.m. She calls Olsen. The conversation lasts 49 seconds.

3:20 p.m. She calls Olsen again. The conversation lasts one minute and 39 seconds.

3:24 p.m. She calls Olsen a third time. The conversation lasts 21 seconds.

3:26 p.m. She calls 911.

3:33 p.m. Paramedics arrive and go up in the elevator to the apartment with Olsen’s security guards.

3:34 p.m. Wolozin calls Olsen a fourth time. The length of that conversation is unknown.

3:36 p.m. Ledger is declared dead.

I know if I’m staring down at the body of an unconscious guy who’s not breathing, the first person I’m calling is Mary-Kate Olsen. If nobody picked up at Movie Phone or 1-800-CUM-SLUTZ first, I mean. And if Ashley were out shopping. Definitely Mary-Kate Olsen. Then maybe the cops if I remembered.

Mary-Kate Olsen in this month’s issue of Nylon magazine

Mary-Kate “Fats” Olsen was hospitalized with a kidney infection yesterday. People Magazine reports

The actress entered the emergency room of a New York hospital on Monday. [Rep Nicole Caruso says], “She’s resting comfortably and will be released in the next day or so.”

Incidentally, Somethng Fishy – a website devoted to recognizing the various symptoms of eating disorders — notes

The vitamin deficiencies, dehydration, infection and low blood pressure [associated with anorexia] increase the likelihood of getting a kidney infection. Permanent kidney damage and kidney failure is also more likely to occur as a result of the infection.

Well, who needs kidneys anyways? They were just making her back look all fat. And good luck trying to find a plastic surgeon who’ll take them out for you. It’s all “medical malpractice” this and “wrongful death” that. So this kidney infection is actually a win-win! Dialysis is so this year’s celebrity secret to getting that bikini bod you’ve always deamed of. I bet you never realized your vital organs were holding you back from perfection all this time!

Mary-Kate with sister Ashley at a wedding in Mexico last weekend:

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