Sometimes you see things in black and white because the very nature of an absolute truth leaves no room for a middle ground. Other times you see things in black and white because you’re a pretentious idiot in a pair of gigantic bifocal sunglasses. See if you can guess which one Mary-Kate Olsen is.

UPDATE: I’m moving this up so it can stare at you all weekend long.

Heath Ledger was reportedly dating actress Mary-Kate Olsen in the months before he died. People magazine says

Both the New York Post and Daily News reported this week that Ledger and the Olsen twin were dating. “Mary-Kate and Heath were casually dating for three months before Heath’s death,” a source [said]. “They were hooking up, but neither were particularly interested in making it exclusive. They had a bond that was based on partying, and they had the same tastes in partying … like, in terms of where they liked to hang out in New York, what time they would want to go out.”

Which still doesn’t explain the four calls the masseuse made to Mary-Kate the day of his death, three of them before she ever even called the 911. According to Us Weekly

The masseuse who discovered Heath Ledger’s body Tuesday spent nine minutes making three phone calls to Mary-Kate Olsen before she called 911. She then called Olsen a fourth time after paramedics arrived.

A timeline:

2:45 p.m. Wolozin shows up for Ledger’s massage appointment and knocks on his door.

3 p.m. She calls his cell phone to wake him up.

3:17 p.m. She calls Olsen. The conversation lasts 49 seconds.

3:20 p.m. She calls Olsen again. The conversation lasts one minute and 39 seconds.

3:24 p.m. She calls Olsen a third time. The conversation lasts 21 seconds.

3:26 p.m. She calls 911.

3:33 p.m. Paramedics arrive and go up in the elevator to the apartment with Olsen’s security guards.

3:34 p.m. Wolozin calls Olsen a fourth time. The length of that conversation is unknown.

3:36 p.m. Ledger is declared dead.

I know if I’m staring down at the body of an unconscious guy who’s not breathing, the first person I’m calling is Mary-Kate Olsen. If nobody picked up at Movie Phone or 1-800-CUM-SLUTZ first, I mean. And if Ashley were out shopping. Definitely Mary-Kate Olsen. Then maybe the cops if I remembered.

Mary-Kate Olsen in this month’s issue of Nylon magazine

Mary-Kate “Fats” Olsen was hospitalized with a kidney infection yesterday. People Magazine reports

The actress entered the emergency room of a New York hospital on Monday. [Rep Nicole Caruso says], “She’s resting comfortably and will be released in the next day or so.”

Incidentally, Somethng Fishy – a website devoted to recognizing the various symptoms of eating disorders — notes

The vitamin deficiencies, dehydration, infection and low blood pressure [associated with anorexia] increase the likelihood of getting a kidney infection. Permanent kidney damage and kidney failure is also more likely to occur as a result of the infection.

Well, who needs kidneys anyways? They were just making her back look all fat. And good luck trying to find a plastic surgeon who’ll take them out for you. It’s all “medical malpractice” this and “wrongful death” that. So this kidney infection is actually a win-win! Dialysis is so this year’s celebrity secret to getting that bikini bod you’ve always deamed of. I bet you never realized your vital organs were holding you back from perfection all this time!

Mary-Kate with sister Ashley at a wedding in Mexico last weekend:

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