After 12 years of marriage and three children together, Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker have gone their separate ways. Nine MSN says

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are reportedly living in separate houses - right after they welcomed twin babies into their family via a surrogate.

SJP is rumoured to be the one moving out of their New York pad, after reportedly purchasing a nine-bedroom home in Brooklyn.

Now I know why Prince Charming is never a closeted gay and the damsel in distress is a never an American Saddlebred in classic fairytales. It just doesn’t work!

People Magazine scored the rights to the first official picture of Sarah Jessica Parker’s and Matthew Broderick’s new twin girls Marion Loretta Elwell Broderick and Tabitha Hodge Broderick. Ten bucks says changing their diapers is the closest Matthew’s come to an actual vagina since passing through his mother’s birth canal forty-eight years ago.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s surrogate reportedly gave birth to twin girls today. According to TMZ

The babies were born this morning at the East Ohio Regional Hospital in Martins Ferry, according to [local radio station] WTRF.

The station is reporting Matthew and Sarah are currently at the hospital with the surrogate, and will make an announcement about the newborns later this afternoon.

I don’t know a lot about animal husbandry, but I do know that horses usually only give birth to one foal at a time, and in the rare case that there are two fetuses, one of them usually doesn’t survive the birthing process. Good thing Sarah Jessica didn’t try to carry the twins to term herself! That could have been a disaster.

UPDATE: People Magazine is reporting that they named the twins Marion Loretta Elwell Broderick and Tabitha Hodge Broderick. I guess “Future Dyke” and “Fatty-to-Be” were already taken.

SJP, or Madonna/Macbeth witch hybrid?:

So much for those rumors of infidelity and gayness — Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting twins! Only someone else is gestating and delivering them, thanks to Matthew’s adult-onset vagina allergy and chronic jazz hand condition. People Magazine says

The Hollywood couple, who already have son James Wilkie, 6, announced they’re “happily anticipating the birth of their twin daughters later this summer with the generous help of a surrogate.”

Well, you know how that old saying goes — “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make a man have sex with it.” Congratulations to the happy couple!

The most unconvincing display of heterosexuality since that time your drama teacher had to fill in for the gym coach back in high school:

Hi guys it’s Sonya again.  Abby’s currently occupied battling her computer, which at 12:30 EST, became self-aware. That Trojan was one mean sucker!

Star Magazine Star told you first that Sarah Jessica Parker’s husband, Matthew Broderick, was cheating on her with a younger woman. Now they’re reporting that the Sex and the City star is house-hunting–solo!

In the Jan. 19 issue of Star — on sale now! — we report that while Sarah thought she could make it work with her straying mate, she recently visited a midtown real estate broker to help her find her own place.

“The time has come when she realizes it just isn’t worth it,” a friend of the couple tells Star. “Sarah Jessica is determined to get her own place and bring down the curtain on her marriage.”

Adds another insider: “Sarah’s not stupid. She knows exactly what’s going on. For a while it was easier for her to stay than go through a harsh divorce. They’re essentially living separate lives.”

Now that the holidays are over, the actress is revisiting her exit strategy, which takes into careful consideration the couple’s 6-year-old son, James Wilkie — just about the only thing holding the pair together.

“They spent the holidays with him, pretending to be happy,” says another source. “SJP is a great actress when she has to be!”

Well, I’m glad that Sarah finally got the motivation she needed to finally become a great actress. I loved her in Seabicuit, but when all you do is wear a saddle and run around a racetrack, there’s not opportunity to stretch those acting chops.

The little filly in her winter coat, dropping off James Wilkie at school:

After it was revealed that Matthew Broderick had cheated on wife Sarah Jessica Parker last year, other reports of their marriage’s instability began to surface. Nine MSN says

[A] source said: “Sarah and Matthew have been struggling for years. Now that news of Matthew’s cheating has broken, they have decided to make things work - especially for the sake of their son, James.”

Another source said SJP had confessed that she and Matt “had been out of love for a long time, but remain married for their son. They are both great people but just not meant to be in a relationship.”

So all this time, Sarah and Matthew have been living a blah blahblahblah blah. God this is so boring. The only way it could be any worse is if I alphabetized it and then arranged it by molecular weight and relevance to the visions I experienced during my mock Klingon Rite of MajQa.

Sarah Jessica Parker might have metaphorically been put out to pasture by her cheating cad of a husband! According to Star Magazine

While the beloved actress was frantically searching for hubby Matthew Broderick one night earlier this year, he was having sex in the city with a gorgeous redhead half his age.

After meeting in a bar, Matthew began text messaging the 25-year-old youth counselor. Soon after, they began seeing each other and things got passionate quickly when they met at the Manhattan townhouse of a showbiz friend.

I don’t buy it. Not for a second. Not because I believe in the sanctity of their marriage or anything lame like that. It’s because they didn’t once mention the redhead having a penis or smelling like Endure® Sweat Resistant Fly Spray for Horses and sawdust shavings.

SJP with Mr. Big in Vogue Magazine:

“Sex and the City” star Sarah Jessica Parker says she was crushed to discover she topped Maxim magazine’s “Unsexiest Women” list. In her defense, Maxim magazine is without a doubt the world’s douchiest magazine¹ with a less than stellar history when it comes to determining what is “sexy” in the first place. Let the record show that Britney Spears topped their sexiest list on more than one occasion, along with Lindsay “Dirty Sanchez” Lohan and Christina “Tranny-licious” Aguilera. That noted, Sarah Jessica told The Daily Mail

“Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips? No. Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in men’s magazine? Maybe not. Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow! It’s kind of shocking… It’s so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger.

“It upset [my husband Matthew Broderick], because it has to do with his judgment too. It’s condemnation, it’s insane. What can I do? I guess you can’t please all people.”

Well, I think that’s what she said. As long as six foot stamps, one whinny and three tail swishes still translates the same. The last part might have been something about youth-obsessed culture and her saddle chafing.

¹_{Right after Douchebag Weekly and Douche & Garden, respectively}

SJP at the ShoWest Awards last week: