Dad of less than one year Matthew McConaughey announced yesterday that he is expecting his second child with girlfriend Camila Alves. I guess all that stuff about pot making you sterile is bullshit. He wrote on his official site

“We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father’s Day that [will] make this time next year double the fun. Levi is going to be a big brother… Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time, Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows…. just keep livin, Matthew and Camila.”

The “greatest miracle in the world?” Come on. The mice that live in my pantry just pulled off the greatest miracle in the world like 35 times in the last week alone. I’d say the bigger miracle in all this is that “The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” didn’t result in any attempts on his life. Lucky for him, Tennessee gun laws really got in the way of my doing anything about it.

I’m sure you woke up this morning with several unanswered questions churning inside your head — “What day is it?” “Where am I?” “Is that pee?” and “Who won the American Country Music Awards 2009 Entertainer of the Year?” Well, worry no more, my friends. All the answers you need are right here. People Magazine says

Carrie Underwood became the first woman since 2001 to be named ACM entertainer of the year – and only the seventh female to win the Academy of Country Music’s top honor since it was first handed out in 1970.

Underwood also took home the award for top female vocalist, a repeat of last year’s win.

The answers to the rest of your questions are: Monday, a Tijuana bus station, and yes, respectively. Now might be a good time to check your anus for fissures.

Marisa Miller:

Kelli Pickler:

Leann Rimes:

Taylor Swift:

Carrie Underwood:

Nicole Kidman, Matthew McConaughey, Miley Cyrus and lots more after the jump.

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I’m sure being this limber has its perks. Like when you need to get a birds-eye view of your own asshole or give yourself a blow job, for example. Just ask Matthew McConaughey here. People who say you can’t have your cake and eat it too are fucking liars, man.

On Ipanema Beach:

Hey everyone, it’s Sonya, and I’ll be filling in for Abby today. Did you know that Matthew McConaughey has a movie out in “limited release”, called Surfer, Dude? Yeah, I didn’t either. The synopsis itself makes me want to swallow the muzzle of a gun.

Longboarding soul-surfer Steve Addington (Matthew McConaughey) returns to Malibu for the summer to find his cool hometown vibe corrupted. New sponsorship demands Addington to expand into Virtual Reality Video Games and Reality TV. Unwilling to participate in this new digital-reality, he chooses to spend his summer surfing his home break. But in a twist-of-fate, the waves go flat and stay flat. Out of money, his expense-accounts canceled, and betrayed by his buddies, Addington is backed into a harsh corner. He must endure the insanity that comes with no waves or give into “the Man” and his new, reality-altering machines. Aided by his manager (Woody Harrelson), his mentor (Scott Glenn), his guardian-angel (Willie Nelson) and his summer lover (Alexie Gilmore), Addington has a chance of keeping his cool, but it’s not going to be easy. The dude needs a wave, and there’s never been a drought like this.

You can practically smell the pot, patchouli and B.O. There IS one bright pinpoint of light in the tunnel of weed-induced haze, and that would be that we get to see if McStinky inherited his dad’s “gift“. Pop Wrap says,

There’s no shortage of bare breasts, and McConaughey takes a potshot at himself with a naked didjeridoo session. Though the lighting is low, McConaughey’s junk is on display to guarantee healthy DVD sales.

Now everyone can see what it’s like to be Matthew’s neighbor! All winky, no stinky! Woo-hoo!

Matthew’s girlfriend Camila Alves out and about in Malibu:

In Matthew McConaughey’s mother’s new autobiography “I Amaze Myself,” Mama McConaughey talks about everything from Matthew’s conception to proudly displaying her dead husband’s schlong after he died during intercourse. At least Matthew McConaughey gets it honest. Us Weekly says

“[My husband] and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay, 77, says. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. But it was just the best way to go!”

And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff. “I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

And I’m sure the EMT’s thanked her profusely for her gift. Old man balls are one of those gifts that keep on giving. Primarily by haunting your memories and showing up in nightmares all shriveled and droopy and covered in wiry gray hairs, like two avocados suspended in the feet of old pantyhose hanging over a shower rod.

Anyway, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my parents at some point had relations. It’s an unfortunate truth that everybody has to face with eventually. But it’s one of those things that should be vague and hazy and devoid of specific details, like that accounting class I took my freshman year. At no point should you be able to give accurate descriptions of your father’s genitals or his penchant for back door/grundle action. That’s the kind of stuff that makes you grow up to be a serial killer or some loon who plays bongos in the buff. See Matthew McConaughey for details.

Matthew McConaughey is taking a page from the aboriginal tribes of Australia and planting his newborn son’s placenta in an orchard. Yummy! He told CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta

“It’s going to be in the orchards and it’s going to bear some wonderful fruit. When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river… and all the placentas of whatever aboriginal tribe that was, all the placentas went under that one tree and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength.

This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous.”

Well, who doesn’t love the smell of freshly-tilled placenta decomposing in the heat of a August afternoon? I know I do. I’ve just recently taken to menstruating on my backyard compost heap myself. The tough part is going to be keeping Tom Cruise from sneaking in with a pint of barely water for a little ephemeral organ late night snack. I hear Scientologists can smell a placenta from a distance of fifty paces!

Matthew doing what he does best earlier this summer:

Levi McConaughey makes his debut appearance on the cover of this week’s OK! Magazine, along with Daddy Matthew and Mommy Camila. Matthew was in the room with Camila during the delivery, and was more than happy to divulge all the birthing details:

“We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music. We were jamming! She was sweating. No painkiller, let’s go. She just clicked into that gear that only a woman has at a time like this. [I said,] ‘Let’s handle this… let’s stay in the rhythm. Don’t let the contraction be more than you.’”

I can’t think of anything worse for the birthing experience than Matthew McConaughey “going tribal” in between my legs while a seven pound larva tries to rip its way out of my vagina. Maybe Robin Williams with a kazoo doing the Duttywine in between my legs while a seven pound larva rips its way out of my vagina, but it’s a distant second.

Just two weeks after slobbering all over the locals and passing out in a drainage ditch in San Juan del Sur, Matthew McConaughey is officially a daddy to a baby boy. Us Weekly reports

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves welcomed their first child into the world Monday afternoon in Los Angeles. Alves gave birth to the as-yet-unnamed baby at 6.22 p.m. local time weighing 7 lb., 4 oz.

I’m sure Matthew is “stoked and wowed” that he has someone to follow in his footsteps. His one-flip-flopped, face-first-in-a-ditch footsteps. That kid sure has some rockin’ waxed abs to fill!

UPDATE: OK! Magazine is reporting that they named their kid Levi Alves McConaughey.

Matthew McConaughey spent a week away from his pregnant girlfriend earlier this month, drinking himself retarded and groping female patrons at the Iguana Bar in San Juan Del Sur. An eyewitness told Star Magazine

“He was acting like an out-of-control 18-year-old. He already seemed to be drunk when he arrived alone, and he only got worse from there on. He was putting the make on every woman in his path, throwing his arms around them and trying to kiss them, and trying to dirty-dance with a few out on the floor. But he was a mess, slurring his words and stumbling around.

A few minutes after he finally left the bar, someone found him in a sewage ditch outside. When they asked him what he was doing, he mumbled, ‘I’ve lost my flip-flops!’”

Nothing says “new dad” like slobbering drunk in a ditch. Wait, not “new dad.” I meant “nude ad.” Nothing says “nude ad” like slobbering drunk in a ditch. The last time I passed out in a gutter, my picture ended up front and center on concert posters for a punk band called “Drainage Ditch Debbie.” I have yet to see a paycheck for it, either.

Girlfriend Camila Alves in Spanish Elle February of this year:

This is all news to me, but apparently actor Matthew McConaughey doesn’t wear anything that inhibits his natural smell. That means no cologne and no deodorant. And he hasn’t worn it for more than 20 years. According to Page Six

While on the set of Fool’s Gold, actress Kate Hudson begged the shirtless one to scrap his long-standing anti-deodorant policy. “She always brings a salt rock, which is some natural deodorant, and says, ‘Would you please put this on?’” he said. “I just never wore it. No cologne, no deodorant.”

Matthew [insists] that the ladies dig it, saying, “The women in my life, including my mother, have all said, ‘Hey, your natural smell smells, one, like a man, and, two, smells like you.’” Kate, apparently, was an exception. Not that he’s against hygiene. He brushes his teeth at least five times a day and claims, “I take a few [showers] a day.”

Total surprise. I always imagined Matthew McConaughey would smell like virility and handsomeness. I wouldn’t have in a million years pictured him smelling like a cabbie in the middle of July. But even without the deodorant, there have still got to be hundreds of celebrities that smell worse than Matt. To save time, I’ll just list ten:

10. Paris Hilton — straight up jizz

9. Tara Reid — vodka, but with base notes of jizz and soggy cigarette butts

8. Kirstie Alley — kung pao chicken and krispy kreme

7. Jared Leto — Always with Wings^TM

6. Rumer Willis — potatoes

5. Andy Dick — jizz and nasal drip coke breath

4. Courtney Love — cheap whiskey and vomit

3. Amy Winehouse — tears and three-day gin bender sweat

2. Fergie — tinkle and synthetic estrogen

AND THE NUMBER ONE SMELLIEST CELEBRITY:

1. Britney Spears — sweat, cheetos, and Marlboro Lights, with a whiff of menstruation (NSFW)

Matthew McConaughey’s girlfriend of a year Camila Alves is three months pregnant with their first child. McConaughey writes on his personal site (NOT making this up, via Us Weekly)

“my girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together… its 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. we are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being a mother and a father, and [shepherding] him or her through this life… thanks for bein fans of me and my work and now this new and miraculous chapter in my life, as me and Camila and our child do our best to just keep livin…

wow, McConaughey”

Interestingly, he wrote the whole thing from the back of a pickup using a only a hayseed, a quarter bag of bud, and an empty two-liter of Sun Drop. Somebody else played the banjo and held his shirt for him.

Vintage McConaughey for my ladies:

Matthew McConaughey told Oprah Winfrey he has a new dog to replace Ms. Hud, the faithful pet he toured America with for 12 years. A snarky guy like me never cry, but I was almost in tears when I heard the story of Ms. Hud:

“Ms Hud, that’s a good woman there… I got her in a pound in Tucson, Arizona, 12 years ago and cancer got her. We went on a road trip from California to Florida and back. She got diagnosed with cancer in Louisiana on the way east. We got her leg amputated on the way back. We went for swims in the river… in Texas, and then we made it back, and the night she got me back home she fell off the bed and looked up and was like, ‘Hey man… I need a little help.’ I took her to the hospital that morning and her hind legs were paralysed… The doctor said, ‘We’ve amputated hind legs before but that’s with dogs who have two front legs.’ He and I looked at each other and I said, ‘Ms Hud, do you wanna be a one-legged dog?’ and she looks up and she says, ‘Let me move on, Pop,’ so we let her move on.”

This story reminded me of my dog Sparky. The cute little beast had no hind legs and balls of steel.

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